Don't know what to do anymore

[cerette]

I have a person very close to me (family) who is doing drugs and doesn't ever seem to stop. He says he has quit but then later on I find out he is still on drugs. We have tried everything: Being understanding, getting angry, detox, jail, hospitalization etc etc.

I have come to a point where I wish I could not care anymore. It hurts too much. I feel like I can't deal with it anymore. I don't believe in any treatment anymore because it doesn't work anyway. This has gone on for years.

I try to pray. I try to talk to him & the other family members about God. I even try to scare them with hell. But it doesn't work.

I am exhausted. All I can do now is cry and cry and eventually I go numb.

Any suggestions?

Maybe I should mention this is a person in his late teens.

 

[AngelDove1]

I can relate,maybe this will help you as it has me.


Making Allowance For Each Other’s Faults
by Jon Walker


“Be patient with each other, making allowance for each other’s faults because of your love.” (Ephesians 4:2b NLT)


The more we understand, the more patient we become.

When we see the hurt beneath the anger, or the reason behind the behavior, we’re more likely to “make allowance for each other’s faults.”

The ability to understand is a sign of patience. (Proverbs 14:29) The Bible teaches, “A man’s wisdom gives him patience; it is to his glory to overlook an offense.” (Proverbs 19:11 NIV) God’s wisdom teaches us that love is patient (1 Corinthians 13:4), and that impatience is not love.

When facing a challenge to our patience, it helps to remember God is not asking us to give more patience to others than the patience he gives to us. The apostle Paul uses his own life as an example of this, saying God showed him mercy, despite his many sins, so that “Christ Jesus might display his unlimited patience.” (1Timothy1:16 NIV)

We need patience with one another because God created each of us with different shapes, assigning each of us a different mission in life. We all have different backgrounds, and we’re each at a different place in our journey with Jesus. Practicing patience keeps our view on the things above, allowing us to see how God works even in the most difficult of circumstances. It is in patience we often learn that diversity is a strength, instead of a weakness.

The apostle Paul wrote, “Welcome with open arms fellow believers who don’t see things the way you do. And don’t jump all over them every time they do or say something you don’t agree with – even when it seems that they are strong on opinions but weak in the faith department. Remember, they have their own history to deal with. Treat them gently.” (Romans 14:1 MSG)

What does this mean?

· Work at being consistently patient – Anybody can be patient when it’s convenient, but it’s much harder to remain patient when the day is slipping away or when you’re faced with the same mistake for the third time in one week. Patience often comes at significant cost; it requires you set aside your agenda and yield your rights in order to “welcome each other with open arms.”

· Learn to listen – Listening means more than just hearing someone talk; it means carefully considering what the other person is saying and actively trying to understand his or her point of view. The Bible says, “Listen before you answer. If you don’t, you are being stupid and insulting.” (Proverbs 18:13 TEV) That’s pretty clear! It means we shouldn’t evaluate what someone has done or said until we’ve heard the full story. God gave us two ears and one mouth, perhaps to tell us we should listen twice as much as we talk. Ha!

· Ask yourself these questions:
§ What makes me impatient?
§ What does my impatience say about my priorities?
§ How can I better understand the people who bring out my impatience?
§ Have I taken time to listen to their full stories?
§ In what ways do people have to be patient with me?
§ Do I give the same amount of grace to others as I expect them to give me?
“Love is patient.” (1 Corinthians 13:4 NIV) – that means love puts up with a lot for a long time. The next time your patience reaches its limit, remember how patient and understanding Jesus is with you.

 

[cerette]

This has some wisdom in it, thanks AngelDove, but what if the person isn't willing to tell his story even if you'd be glad to listen, and if the person doesn't seem to care he is causing so much hurt & worries & problems to the rest of the family. I am starting to think it is all done out of selfishness.

 

[AngelDove1]

you might want to find help for yourselves.
Al-anon,n open AA meetings might help you
understand the disease.

Letting go and letting God or tough love....
does not mean you don't care but to care about,or that you stopped caring,
does not mean your putting blame or trying to change that person,i
t is not to be protective,
it is to permit another to face reality,letting go is to fear less
and LOVE more.

He has to want the help.Love him through it.
Ya I know your thinking...man how do I do this?
Easy,God through you will help you.
Let Him help you and this person.

I can relate....
God moves in when we step out of the way.
Let this teen know you all love and care
about what he is doing to himself.
that you fear for his life,and how much its hurting all of you.

You'll never fix the person,hard as you try.
It will only drive him away.

Also don't permit the drugs in your
home.

 

[AngelDove1]

 

[cerette]

Thanks.
I feel right now as if I would rather allow drugs in my home, than him doing them in places I don't even know exist. It is horrifying to find out things afterwards, because it awakens all kinds of 'all kinds of bad things could have happened to him when he was there'-thoughts.
I feel like we have tried everything. He has lots of support from his aunts and parents, but no matter what we do to help (threats, punishments, major rewards for being good for a while) it always goes back to square 1. He spent a whole year in a detox place, but as soon as he got out it all started again. He is legally an adult now so we cannot force him to stay home etc.
I watch the Intervention shows on A&E, and it's always tough love and looks so easy, but it truly isn't easy. I feel like I want to give up and not care anymore, but it is not possible. I do care because I love him. if he spends all his money on drugs, I will still feed him because my heart can't stand seeing him hungry. etc etc etc.
All I can do anymore is cry.

 

[AngelDove1]

I know exactly where your coming from....
My prayers are with you and your loved one.

being in the program myself,both al-anon AA,NA... shows me where they a headed.

And I feel powerless,like you do.
All's I can do is have faith and hope in God
that things will work out.
As they did for my other child.We serve a mighty God.
I must believe God will pull him through.

I have to take it ,one day at a time.

 

[cerette]

Yes. Thanks for your support!
All I could do today was to cry. Hopefully I will be able to feel 'hope' tomorrow.

 

[AngelDove1]

Yes. Thanks for your support!
All I could do today was to cry. Hopefully I will be able to feel 'hope' tomorrow.

 

[keeperOFsecrets618]

I know you'll probably think a 15 year old like me won't have any good advice on this but I understand where you're at. Both my parents and my brother are drug addicits and its scary. I used to be as well. It seems to me you're doing what I do and thats try to fix it all on your own. Every time I'd try to make it better by myself it would come back at me and knock me on the ground. I'd constantly wonder why I was doing this since I knew it would just knock me down and not impact my family what so ever. Then I realized that I was trying to walk this journey alone without God and I leaned on him for support. I'm not saying its easy cuz I know its tough. My mom has attempted to stop many times and then starts back up and denies it all. My father and brother as far as I know have made no effort to stop. That doesn't mean they won't though. God has constantly reminded me that things take time and not everyone can realize how badly they are screwing up their lives and others like I did. I went to ala-teen meetings for a while and they helped. Try finding an ala-non meeting near you. They are really really great. It helps to talk to other adults who know exactly what you're going through.

So what I'm saying is just let God take control of this because by the looks of it only God can help him but he's still going to need the love from his family. Pray for him every night and still attempt to talk about God with him and pray with him. God WILL get through to him. Its just going to take time.



Gods child,
keeperOFsecrets

 

[cerette]

I know you'll probably think a 15 year old like me won't have any good advice on this but I understand where you're at. Both my parents and my brother are drug addicits and its scary. I used to be as well. It seems to me you're doing what I do and thats try to fix it all on your own. Every time I'd try to make it better by myself it would come back at me and knock me on the ground. I'd constantly wonder why I was doing this since I knew it would just knock me down and not impact my family what so ever. Then I realized that I was trying to walk this journey alone without God and I leaned on him for support. I'm not saying its easy cuz I know its tough. My mom has attempted to stop many times and then starts back up and denies it all. My father and brother as far as I know have made no effort to stop. That doesn't mean they won't though. God has constantly reminded me that things take time and not everyone can realize how badly they are screwing up their lives and others like I did. I went to ala-teen meetings for a while and they helped. Try finding an ala-non meeting near you. They are really really great. It helps to talk to other adults who know exactly what you're going through.

So what I'm saying is just let God take control of this because by the looks of it only God can help him but he's still going to need the love from his family. Pray for him every night and still attempt to talk about God with him and pray with him. God WILL get through to him. Its just going to take time.



Gods child,
keeperOFsecrets

Thank you for sharing your story! Now I am about to weep for your sake also, because you are only 15 and have had to deal with this kinda stuff. Life is so cruel sometimes!

You are both right about having to handle it over to God. I try that. But I also get guilty if all I do is pray and then nothing else... Like..how about the practical things? Am I not supposed to do anything? Shouldn't I be out looking for him at night when he is nowhere to be found? Shouldn't I make sure he gets food to eat? etc etc. It's all just a big mess.

Thanks for your replies. I appreciate.

 

[cerette]

Oh and i forgot to say that when I do help with food etc I feel guilty then as well... because I feel like I am allowing the addiction by helping with the things he doesn't handle himself because of the drugs.

 

[keeperOFsecrets618]

Oh and i forgot to say that when I do help with food etc I feel guilty then as well... because I feel like I am allowing the addiction by helping with the things he doesn't handle himself because of the drugs.

Seeing as I don't have to support my family I'm not really sure what I'd do in that situation. Your struggling with not wanting him to go hungry but your also struggling with feeling guilty after you give him food. God tells us to give to anyone who asks (Luke 6:30) He also tells us to gaurd our heart (Proverbs 4:23). What I'm trying to say is do what you can to help him but don't do anything that will hurt you. Right now he needs to know that he's loved. When he realizes that his life is going no where knowing that he can come to you will help him more than you can imagine. I had a friend who always showed me love. The times when I was high or drunk she was furious with me but she still was there to help me come down and she'd talk to me about God and tell me how much she cared. She knew about my home life and that I was thinking that I had no choice but to be just like my parents. She just kept loving me. Thats what I think you family member needs. Love.



Gods child,
keeperOFsecrets

 

[cerette]

I've tried love and tough love as well for many years now. Doesn't seem to work. Thanks for your uplifting story though!

 

[BlessEwe]

I know you'll probably think a 15 year old like me won't have any good advice on this but I understand where you're at. Both my parents and my brother are drug addicits and its scary. I used to be as well. It seems to me you're doing what I do and thats try to fix it all on your own. Every time I'd try to make it better by myself it would come back at me and knock me on the ground. I'd constantly wonder why I was doing this since I knew it would just knock me down and not impact my family what so ever. Then I realized that I was trying to walk this journey alone without God and I leaned on him for support. I'm not saying its easy cuz I know its tough. My mom has attempted to stop many times and then starts back up and denies it all. My father and brother as far as I know have made no effort to stop. That doesn't mean they won't though. God has constantly reminded me that things take time and not everyone can realize how badly they are screwing up their lives and others like I did. I went to ala-teen meetings for a while and they helped. Try finding an ala-non meeting near you. They are really really great. It helps to talk to other adults who know exactly what you're going through.

So what I'm saying is just let God take control of this because by the looks of it only God can help him but he's still going to need the love from his family. Pray for him every night and still attempt to talk about God with him and pray with him. God WILL get through to him. Its just going to take time.



Gods child,
keeperOFsecrets

Wow you have so much knowlege, and are a very wise person.
Age should never matter, you have so much to give and share.

 

[BlessEwe]

I have a person very close to me (family) who is doing drugs and doesn't ever seem to stop. He says he has quit but then later on I find out he is still on drugs. We have tried everything: Being understanding, getting angry, detox, jail, hospitalization etc etc.

I have come to a point where I wish I could not care anymore. It hurts too much. I feel like I can't deal with it anymore. I don't believe in any treatment anymore because it doesn't work anyway. This has gone on for years.

I try to pray. I try to talk to him & the other family members about God. I even try to scare them with hell. But it doesn't work.

I am exhausted. All I can do now is cry and cry and eventually I go numb.

Any suggestions?

Maybe I should mention this is a person in his late teens.

I can't imagine the frustration and pain you must feel seeing this and want to help.
As the others have said on this thread it is so important to take care of yourself by perhaps going to these meetings. I do have concern for you saying that you would rather see this person do the drugs in your home, yes I have seen that on intervention too. But have you also seen the frustration of the family still not able to control them and they still could die. Praying to God is a great thing to continue on with because most everyone that i have talked to who have been able to get into recovery and stay sober have had a spiritual intervention from God.
Addicts are very smart manipulative people and go to any length to get high ( I know I am a recovering addict).
This person was in detox for a year or a recovery home, either way it is very hard work, but it can be done. As you can see with the show intervention, its not really tough love but are at the same point that you are at.. getting to the end of ourselves and perhaps the people at AlAnon can direct you now with what you can do, and support you if he continues on.
One good thing is that he has been in the program before, so in the back of his head he does know all he has to do is reach out for help.
Here are some online links, but if you google online AlAnon forum, or meetings you will find more I am sure

http://www.ola-is.org/olais/chat.htm

http://alcoholism.about.com/od/ola/AlAnon_Internet_Meetings.htm

 

[cerette]

I can't imagine the frustration and pain you must feel seeing this and want to help.
As the others have said on this thread it is so important to take care of yourself by perhaps going to these meetings. I do have concern for you saying that you would rather see this person do the drugs in your home, yes I have seen that on intervention too. But have you also seen the frustration of the family still not able to control them and they still could die. Praying to God is a great thing to continue on with because most everyone that i have talked to who have been able to get into recovery and stay sober have had a spiritual intervention from God.
Addicts are very smart manipulative people and go to any length to get high ( I know I am a recovering addict).
This person was in detox for a year or a recovery home, either way it is very hard work, but it can be done. As you can see with the show intervention, its not really tough love but are at the same point that you are at.. getting to the end of ourselves and perhaps the people at AlAnon can direct you now with what you can do, and support you if he continues on.
One good thing is that he has been in the program before, so in the back of his head he does know all he has to do is reach out for help.
Here are some online links, but if you google online AlAnon forum, or meetings you will find more I am sure

http://www.ola-is.org/olais/chat.htm

http://alcoholism.about.com/od/ola/AlAnon_Internet_Meetings.htm

Thank you for your reply and the links. I will check them out. The last thing I heard is that he is in detox again, but not because he wanted to but because he was forced to go. (violation of probation sort of thing)

Thanks again for your reply. i will definitely keep praying!