Don't know how to make the decision.

[Observer]

Hello,

I have posted on here before about my really unhealthy marriage. My husband hasn't worked for 2 years and I've been supporting us until I was forced to make the choice for us to move in with my mum because I couldn't afford the rent and everything else anymore on my low wage.

My husband has some kind of narcissism problem, with a severe victim complex to the point of justifying absolutely anything including swearing at me, yelling at me, physical violence and little remorse (if any at all, very delayed and requires me crying for hours upon hours and nagging him to care and apologise). Police have been called and every time they ask do I want to press charges or get a restraining order and I didn't have the guts to do it but I should have. I am not perfect, I have thrown a cup at him, kicked him and retaliated when he is violent to me or yells at me. He reminds me of those things every time he does anything to me. I have said he's a terrible husband, not a real man, lives like a 12 year old, etc etc etc. He is just as unhappy with me as I am with him and he has said he deserves better than me. There is a jeckyll & hyde thing going on for a long time - he will be nice and affectionate for a day maximum and then get really nasty again.

He won't work. He won't acknowledge anything. He claims to not understand basic human interactions and why certain words/sentences/actions are unacceptable and hurtful. He manipulates, twists and excuses any possible thing. He doesn't wash regularly, never brushes his teeth, is obese and doesn't really care. He would drink alcohol every day if he had the money. I also drink too much alcohol. We don't do any normal things as a couple. He never wants kids. Doesn't feel like ever owning a house is important. Says money is a load of crap. Says he is depressed and suicidal and is seeing a psychiatrist once every couple of months and on medication but I think he may have a personality disorder beyond depression. I also have chronic depression and anxiety and other issues but I keep working and I have been putting effort into the marriage but he doesn't budge and it goes absolutely nowhere

I am at the end of the road, I feel devastated to lose what I had hoped and planned for the future. But there really is not much there anymore.

My mum who we live with has now witnessed his behaviour and says he's extremely inconsiderate, selfish, lives like a 13 year old, is delusional and can't understand basic human needs. We both want him out but talking to him goes nowhere because he manipulates and has all these great tactics for making a conversation go around in circles until everyone gives up and he continues living for free and nothing changes. Our options are buying him a ticket back to his home country and hope he goes back (all his friends and family are there and some friends offered him a place to stay) or just kicking him out and calling the police if he refuses to leave which would be really awful.

I am also really concerned that if we finally end it (we have agreed to divorce many many many times but because he is leeching off me and has nowhere else to go, we couldn't cut the ties), that he will kill himself, or take some horrible revenge on me, possibly sharing intimate photos, I have no idea but I have zero trust in this person

We worked hard to be together, for him to come to this country a long time ago. I knew marrying him was the wrong choice as there were many warning signs of this strange narcissistic behaviour but it felt like we worked too hard and couldn't give up on it. I feel like marrying him is one of the biggest mistakes I ever made, I have spent my whole teen years and adult life with him and it has been one giant unhealthy waste of time. I am devastated, yes I am rambling on sorry.. I don't know where God is. I have so many other issues as well not just this messed up marriage. I just want to leave this earth

 

[PreachersWife2004]

For now, I am going to ignore the abusive stuff. Not because it's not important, because it is VERY important, but because that is definitely not one-sided.

My husband and I went through a very rough patch in our marriage. We did the whole counseling thing. I was kinda at my wits' end. I felt like I was just a second class citizen to him. All we ever talked about was how he was failing at being a husband and failing being a dad. This went on for a good year or so.

One day, while my parents were visiting, I was whining to my mom (please don't take to mean I think you are whining. I WAS actually whining to her) and she told me that her and daddy had gone through a similar time. She said that one day, she decided she would SHOW him what a good spouse did. She stopped harping on the things he didn't do, and started doing the things she knew she should do. It changed the dynamics and pretty soon, he was doing the things she wanted him to do because he realized those are the things he was supposed to be doing.

So, I thought about it. I'm a selfish person at times, and when it came to our marriage I was going through a huge ME ME ME phase. I finally decided to try out what my mom did. Bingo. Same result. As I focused on what I knew I needed to do as a wife, suddenly his focus shifted to the things he needed to do. If he did something that annoyed me, in the past I'd get on him about it. (Yeah, we were actually that couple that argued over how to put dishes in the dishwasher...or at least I did anyway) But with this new outlook, I was trying to focus on my behavior and not his, so I asked myself why something would bother me, did it really matter in the long run, how could I change my perspective. Take the dishwasher for example. I still don't like the way he loads silverware. But ya know what? He loads silverware, meaning, he actually loads the dishwasher. It's kinda the married version of seeing the silver lining.

Too often we look at marriage and think "what can I get out of it" when the thought process should "what can I do for my spouse".


You BOTH have issues that you cannot tackle on your own, and you've added to them by living with your mother. You guys need counseling, post haste. Until you both take THAT step, you won't go anywhere anytime soon.

 

[ValleyGal]

How to make the decision... I am assuming how to make the decision to leave the marriage (you've mentioned you agreed to divorce)? Or do you mean you've made the decision to leave the marriage but don't know how to make that happen?

Imo, the first thing you need to do is find out what the laws are for tenancy where you live. You may not have a choice but to formally evict him by giving him 30 days' notice. If that's the case, it could get complicated.

Your mom could evict you both by giving you 30 days' notice, then you and your husband could go looking for a cheap place, even a room in someone else's house. Then pay for the first month, but make sure only his name is on the rental agreement. Then during the time you are packing up, make sure you take your marriage certificate, all legal documents, any photos you have that might be used against you (oops, honey, your phone broke! type of thing), clear anything out of dropbox or a shared file. Iow, hide anything you do not want him to have. Then on moving day, make sure only he moves. As soon as he has moved, apply for a restraining order for your home and your work. Then as soon as possible, file for legal divorce and then inform immigration that you are divorcing and will no longer be responsible for him.

Or if you think he will become violent after getting an eviction notice, then you and your mom need to get to safety for that 30 days, but make sure someone stays at your house so he does not destroy or steal anything. But before doing this, make sure you take pictures of everything in the house the way it is so you have proof of all you own as well as the condition of the home. If you leave for that 30 days, take valuables with you, and install a few video cameras - just get a few of those cheap webcams and stick them in inconspicuous places, then have streaming video to your computer.

Another thing you can do is next time it happens, go through with calling the police and actually filing charges - but this way puts your safety at risk.

You need to make sure you and your mom are safe. That is the most important thing. Living with a violent man like your husband heightens your stress response, and that will have negative effects on your health - and your mom's.

Personality disorders are not cut-and-dry, but it sounds to me like he could have traits of narcissistic as well as antisocial personality disorders. I'm also not a psychologist to make that kind of diagnosis, but I was married to someone with NPD once... and the lack of remorse seems antisocial.

Are you under treatment for your depression and anxiety? You could request counselling from your doctor, and he could refer you for therapy to get over the situational angst of being with your husband, and the resulting grief. In fact, even if you do not separate, ask for therapy... maybe they can help you with some of these crucial decisions you need to make.

 

[Autumnleaf]

I know someone in a similar situation now. Her family hated the foreign guy but initially she loved him so. About the time they were getting married she started having doubts. She figured in for a penny, in for a pound and she married him and had two kids with him and he's been fired from jobs for drinking and sexual harassment and she wants out but she has kids with him.

You can stick it out and win the local martyr of the century award or you can do what you gotta do.

 

[tturt]

Since the warning signs were ignored and the good still outweighed the bad then I suggest reading "Love and Respect" by Emerson. He was a pastor for decades and the book is based on The Bible.