Don't Get Life

[thenewageriseth]

I'm a nervous wreck these days...I didn't always used to be this way, but I think there have been events that triggered them. (Like being constantly rejected at some point because of some person's personal space issues) And now I might have to pay big time for it, because of my strung-out emotions. Now last summer, I thought it was Borderline Personality Disorder, because sometimes I am obsessive or the person I look up to, I tend to pick their brain and/or get very jealous of their success. And then months later, I'm thinking it's OCD (Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder) because all thru my teenage years I obsessed over people (friend(s), cousin(s), teachers, etc).

Again ppl I looked up to...I obsessed over...
I can get startled easily by some noises, depending on my mood, and these days I'm quite moody.
Now, I don't know what I HAVE,(other than depression) because my emotions have been strung out, my nerves have been getting worse, ever since 2004. I have been trying to ignore it, being optimistic and looking towards the bright side of things.

Guess what? Those same people I obsessed over, seemed sometimey...what a waste of LOVE...so it's been kinda hard to love as well...

On the flip side, I know some of these Christian people (like some family members, who are very happy in their lives...like my Christian cousin for example...she getting married later this year, her life seems so SIMPLE compared to mine, her siblings normal and have happy lives too. (I know ppl have their problems, but mine seem to be HUGE compared to some of my cousins)

I wanted to keep this to myself (due to what my mother telling me to keep my bidness to myself) but I am so damn tired now, I decided to post this.

I have 2 autistic sisters. All thru my life I have had to cope with that fact that they were autistic (that they weren't normal) now in recent years, my younger sister has been worrying the heck out of my parents (and me) and it has been making me more nervous than ever (I am shaking as I am writing this) I cannot take her screaming anymore. She screams when she don't get her way. I am tired of it. Don't say that I am being selfish or mean, because I am not...the girl is driving me and my parents nutz!

Lastily, because of autism illness in the family, I have had a EXTREMELY hard time trying to trust God. Why in the world would he allow such things like this to happen to lives? My father was a devout Catholic in his prime-and 2 of his kids ended up like this. I don't understand anymore. How can THIS be a blessing? It can't. I'm beginning to think that my life is a joke and then I should'nt have been born in the first place.

 

[MissVegas]

I will be praying for you and your family. I have a neice with autism... it is very hard as sometimes she becomes very unruly and is as tall as my sister in law... I know that it is hard... just know that I am here... and I am praying for you!

 

[PorcelainHeart]

It's naturally to feel jealously, I feel it everyday, there are so many people I feel who are better then me. I also get jealous of people on CF, it's a natural feelings and we need to try and control it, you are wonderful the way you are, you don't need to change or be like everyone else. The people you are jealous of lives might look perfect, but they are not. nothing is perfect. I don't think even GOD is perfect.

I am like that, and I got the beginning stages of manic depression, everything gets on my nerves, I even cuss at my friends.

You only let your eyes see what you want to see, you might be shock, everyone has skeletons in the closet. my family is crazy themself, and I'm not normal. I would love the perfect life, I would love no secrets or problems, but we all have them, even thoughs ones you think are perfect.

never keep it all to yourself, you need inner healing really bad.

I feel the same way, I get mad at GOD for giving me so many problems, I want a normal life and friends but it will never happen. I dunno why two of the kids got autism, i never heard of that, it's very sad.

hugs for u

 

[She]

I have 2 autistic sisters. All thru my life I have had to cope with that fact that they were autistic (that they weren't normal) now in recent years, my younger sister has been worrying the heck out of my parents (and me) and it has been making me more nervous than ever (I am shaking as I am writing this) I cannot take her screaming anymore. She screams when she don't get her way. I am tired of it. Don't say that I am being selfish or mean, because I am not...the girl is driving me and my parents nutz!

Lastily, because of autism illness in the family, I have had a EXTREMELY hard time trying to trust God. Why in the world would he allow such things like this to happen to lives? My father was a devout Catholic in his prime-and 2 of his kids ended up like this. I don't understand anymore. How can THIS be a blessing? It can't. I'm beginning to think that my life is a joke and then I should'nt have been born in the first place.

I so much understand what you are going through.

All my life I have had autism in my family too. To make things worse, we did not know it was autism until recently. My aunt who lived with me as I grew up was wrongly labelled "schizophrenic". This had the effect of making me worried that I, too, would end up schizophrenic. As a teenager I was very nervous like you are. My aunt was hard to live with. She was hyperactive and had tantrums. When I left home, I thought that that would be it. I thought that I would have a peaceful life now. But I was wrong.

I married my husband partly because his mother was mentally ill. I thought that no other man would have me. They certainly did seem to look down on me and also to look at me suspiciously because of my aunt. My husband was the only man who seemed to understand what I was going through.

Unfortunately, although none of my siblings were autistic my beautiful daughter is severely autistic. So I did not get a life of peace, after all.

I just want you to know that I know what you are going through. I do not blame God. He did not put mercury into the vaccinations which doctors inject into small babies. So why blame God?

I think that God allows people to make mistakes in order to bring out compassion in others. The world is not perfect. The autistic people are happy. So why are we unhappy? I know that they are hard to live with. Perhaps respite care may be an option. I hope that you will get a break from all of this, soon. My coping mechanism was to leave home at the age of 20 for a few months at a time. It was hard living on my own but at least I got a break from the turmoil at home.

Good luck and God bless. Try to have hope.

P.S. My other siblings all have children but none of their children are autistic. I think that the 'mental illness' gene has to come from both sides. So if you marry someone without autism or schizophrenia in their family, there is a good chance that you will NOT produce an autistic child. Taking the mercury out of vaccines also helps to avoid autism. Where I live in the UK, vaccinations no longer contain mercury. Too late for my daughter, unfortunately.

 

[thenewageriseth]

Thank you for your advice. But I'm sorry. I cannot trust God, I probably won't be able to ever trust Him, after the pain I went through. I am not sure if I trust myself anymore. This pain is getting too hard to bear, and maybe the only reason that I am still hanging on are because of my dreams of becoming a writer and an artist. It might be in the vaccinations, yes, but why does God allow such things to happen to some devout Christians?I like the stories in the Bible, but what good is it if there is no absolute proof? Like I said if it weren't for my dreams (and also my parents' well being), I would not be here.I have been depressed for a long time ever since I graduated.

 

[PorcelainHeart]

what is autism? someone please tell me.

I feel the same way you do BO, I been on the edge of killing myself for ages, but I have false hope prince charming will come and take me away from step mom and mother. I think i believe too much fantasy.

 

[thenewageriseth]

Autism is the disorder where an individual is in his or her own world, and they can't communicate socially. Plus, this disorder enables them to act differently, and discipline is kinda hard, since they have no such skills...

 

[PorcelainHeart]

I'm like that, but I can speak normally, I just live in la la land and have a hard time being social. I was looking at this thread and I seem to have most or all the symptons.
http://www.christianforums.com/t2497827-aspergers-syndrome-characteristics.html

 

[thenewageriseth]

Now I seem like that! I mean I was always social, but sometimes I would want to go to that place in my head. And stay to myself.

 

[PorcelainHeart]

awww fantasy world is much more smoothing.

 

[thenewageriseth]

Yeah it's all I have except my series and online friends and friend in Tennessee
It's ****ing sad, I have nobody to hold me, to tell me that they love the things I do. And all I have is this baggage from over 2 yrs.

 

[thenewageriseth]

I know. All I have is the fantasy world and my series and my online friend and my long-distance friend.
It's ****ing sad I don't have anyone to hold me and tell me that they love me, and compliment my everything. It's sad.

 

[PorcelainHeart]

same here, so I drown myself in the harry potter world. It's my only escape. I might be only an online friend but I truly care about you. I see you as a real friend.

 

[thenewageriseth]

I see you as one too

 

[She]

Please don't give up hope. I'm a bit like that too. But there is so much you can do with your life. You don't have to give in to depression. Just think how your parents would feel if one of their children was no longer here. They would be absolutely devastated. Believe me!

And another point, to the person who thinks she has autism, believe me, if you are typing on this forum you do NOT have autism! My daughter is like a chimpanzee! She cannot talk and jumps around the house all day!
Also, she is still in nappies at the age of 7.

Although my aunt was higher functioning, she still could not communicate properly and would not have been typing on a forum! Also, "fantasy world" is something autists are not capable of. Also wanting to be hugged and loved - not that high on the autists agenda, believe me!

 

[thenewageriseth]

I might have those characteristics myself of Asperger's. I dunno though.

 

[PorcelainHeart]

some people have high functioning autism where they can live some what normal lives. Everyone is different with autism, I know someone who autism who wants to be loved, who does type on the computer and leads a normal life. He is my cousin's best friend and can do pretty much alot, but he was told he would never lead a normal life.

 

[Faith In God]

Thank you for your advice. But I'm sorry. I cannot trust God, I probably won't be able to ever trust Him, after the pain I went through. I am not sure if I trust myself anymore. This pain is getting too hard to bear, and maybe the only reason that I am still hanging on are because of my dreams of becoming a writer and an artist. It might be in the vaccinations, yes, but why does God allow such things to happen to some devout Christians?I like the stories in the Bible, but what good is it if there is no absolute proof? Like I said if it weren't for my dreams (and also my parents' well being), I would not be here.I have been depressed for a long time ever since I graduated.

Everyone has a point where they have to feel what it is they are sacrificing in trusting God.

This is an example of where trusting in God is real.

It's what you are going to have to do.

Think of it this way:

if you are not God's, you are on your own.

if you trust in God and give your life to Him,
You're His problem, and He will have to deal with it.

 

[bfly]

You surely must be a strong person to deal with the problems you have.
You deserve something good in your life. Maybe it will come soon.
May God bless and keep you safe and meet your needs.