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[NumberOfStars]

praying for you right now.

 

[LottyH]

Thanks for taking the time to explain so much – I get the sense there is so much more inside of you that you need to get out!

I’m no counsellor but it sounds to me that your problems stem from a pretty rough start by not having a father around. Some people like David Bussau just get on with life and don’t allow childhood rejection from stopping them achieve whatever they want. I was very different from that, I was a very sensitive child and any slight form of rejection affected me deeply. I had a stable family life in comparison yet I felt so rejected by everyone. I fell into unhealthy thinking patterns and interpreted everything negatively.

If you look at things from an outside point of view, what evidence is there that God has ever rejected you? Have you ever read a poem called footprints in the sand? If you haven’t have a quick read http://www.footprints-inthe-sand.com/index.php?page=Poem/Poem.php
Some people may view the poem as a little corny but it is a good illustration of how life with God is like. During hard times it feels like God is not there – this is normal and every Christian that has gone through tough times (which should be everyone!) goes through this. When I decided to give my life to God, I went to church but they never had an alter call and I was so frustrated because no one knew I needed saving. I had to write to my sisters who lived in a different country and they directed me to a church that would have an alter call. Its only years later that I realised the alter call is not what saves someone. God saw my heart months before I said the ‘sinners prayer’ during the alter call and He saved me because He saw the desperation in my heart that I wanted to follow Him so that I wouldn’t go to hell.

I’d like to ask you why do you want to be saved? Is it because you don’t want to go to hell? Is it because you feel that having God will make your life better and make you happy? I think many people struggle with Christianity because once they commit their lives to God often their life gets worse and not better so they give up and fall away thinking that God doesn’t care or exist. It’s like the parable of the sower in Mark 4 where the cares of the world enter in and choke the word making it unfruitful. Life with God is not easy, but I have chosen this way because where else would I go? Life without God is not an option for me - God does bring peace even though it took me a while to find that peace.

 

[LottyH]

i dont know when i was saved. i started going to church when my mom got married at 50. my stepdad is a deacon. at the church we went to i dont remember there being an alter call. i dont remember a sermon being preached on the gospel. no one fully explained it to me. everything came together afterwards. so i dont know when i believed or if i ever really believed to be saved. thats why i feel abnormal and unwanted.

i struggled to find the way to be saved and i was also trying to figure out what God wanted and how he expected us to live our lives and how the church should function. my friend is of the Church of Christ denomination. we get along so well until she starts talking about her beliefs. she believes that we have to be water baptized to go to heaven. she doesnt believe in instruments being used in church because she says the bible says to sing and make melodies in your heart and doesnt mention instruments.. she feels that other churches try to add in things that dont belong. debating with her and her mother was tiring and it made me depressed. her mother told me that God could be using her to show me the truth, but if i keep resisting he will give me a reprobate mind. i begged God to show me the way. i searched for a while about topics like instruments in the church, water baptism, etc. then a lady at my church told me that to be saved we just need to believe that Jesus has forgiven us and he died on the cross for our sins.


i tried to believe but every step of the way there was doubt. i had doubt about crucificxion and the resurrection part of the gospel. it seems like my whole experience with Christianity has been struggle, doubt, and pain. When i finally got settled in believing the gospel, i felt like i didnt belong because i couldnt do anything right. i couldnt imagine being loved by God. my experience was similar to how you mentioned you felt. i was afraid to praise God in church. everyone else lifted their hands effortlessly but i hesitated. i struggled to pray and read the bible, it was boring to me too. i tried to be nice to people but that was very difficult, i would always mess up. i tried to control my thoughts but i would think something bad at some point.


i felt that i had to maintain my salvation but even then i doubted that i was saved. i would spend hours researching articles and watching videos about how to know if you are saved. i didnt get any assurance. so i would pray over and over and beg to be saved and to act saved. my cousin would spend the night on the weekends. she was a christian and she was the opposite of me. she had joy, and she had a love for God i didnt understand. God just seemed like someone that had an endless list of requirements for us. i felt that we were supposed to be obedient with no guarantee we would make it to heaven. she had talents like drawing, singing, and dancing. i dont have any talents, im just a good student because i study. but now my drive for studying is gone too. being around her and other christians at my school made me feel more isolated from God. i could either stay in my dorm room and be depressed and research more about salvation assurance or go to christian group meetings, only to feel left out and inadequate around the people there.

i dont mean to whine and make my life about to be so horrible because there are people suffering far more than i could imagine but its just not fair. i had good intentions to just live a life pleasing to God. now look where i am. i felt abandoned and rejected by God and my father. and now i feel rejected by another person. i have never fitted in with people. i always find at least one person i could connect with. i just feel abnormal and inadequate for people. thats why i feel no one could ever love me besides my family.

Hmm.. don't get me started on churches and how they can mess a lot of people up with their beliefs! I have much to tell you about my own experiences with church and feeling inadequate but I'll tell you later as I don't want to make this a huge long post!

About doubt, I just love the story where a man asks Jesus to heal his child and he cries with tears saying 'Lord I believe, help my unbelief!' (Mark 9:24). That is just such a beautiful human story showing someone without the perfect faith yet Jesus shows such compassion.

 

[knw1991]

I think the issue I have stem from not having a father like you said but my inability to trust God comes from the depression incident that happened in 2011. I just don't understand how God could let me suffer alone in so much pain and desperation. He knew I didn't think I was saved, I struggled to read the bible and to pray. Yes I wanted to be saved so I wouldn't go to hell and also because I felt that God could give me a
Meaningful happy life but the opposite has happened. I was so much happier when I didn't think about Christianity. I still had issues but not as much as I
Have now. I wasn't afraid to be alone, I wasn't depressed and suicidal. God let me fall into depression over my salvation. Where was he when I needed him? I suffered for so long. Then the depression caused me to seek love and starting an online relationship lead to heartbreak and more depression to add to the pain I already had. It feels like my life is made for torture and rejection. No one decent ever notices me. Recently a guy that was a drug dealer tried to be with me because he said I was a good investment and i could invest in him later because he knew I was pursuing a career. Am I trash? Am I that worthless? First my father isn't there, God abandons me, the guy I fell in love with hurts me,and then a drug dealer makes me feel degraded. When will someone see me for who I am?

I know I have issues like everyone else but I care about people. I don't try to hurt people and my intentions are to be nice to people and treat them kindly but no one sees me that way. they see me as boring, a square, they don't see me for my insides .men see my body and what I can give them. I'll never find anyone to truly love and care for me.

I have experienced too much rejection.i feel abandoned by God. He knew the depression about my salvation would lead to many more issues. It stole my
Dream of being a doctor because I'm too mentally weak, studying and
Concentration triggers depression for me, it lead to heartbreak, and me choosing sinful acts to cope with my pain.Its like God just sat back and watched my life take this destructive course. What else am I to conclude? Even when I
Try to believe God loves me I always go back to asking why he let my life take such a painful path when all I ever wanted was to be saved.

I had a dream once that a group of people crowded around me and started whispering about me and I tried to explain everything that happened to me but instead I just collapsed and started crying. I woke up crying. It's just not fair. I didn't ask for this.

 

[LottyH]

What triggered the depression back in 2011? Was it a specific incident or was it because you were comparing yourself to others?

 

[knw1991]

i read the story on David Bussau. thats great he was able to overcome his childhood beginnings. I like how he is enabling the poor to help themselves instead of justing helping them for a short time without giving them resources to help themselves.

Hmm.. don't get me started on churches and how they can mess a lot of people up with their beliefs! I have much to tell you about my own experiences with church and feeling inadequate but I'll tell you later as I don't want to make this a huge long post!

About doubt, I just love the story where a man asks Jesus to heal his child and he cries with tears saying 'Lord I believe, help my unbelief!' (Mark 9:24). That is just such a beautiful human story showing someone without the perfect faith yet Jesus shows such compassion.

Yes I like that story too .i can relate to the man because I know I have some sort of faith but I still have a lot of doubt. I look forward to hearing more about your experiences with church. Another thing that hurts me is that the person that broke my hurt is struggling emotionally. I feel so bad for them and I want the best for him but I still feel anger toward them for hurting me. I so desperately want to see him healed. I really love him but he doesn't love me. I guess it's a love/ dislike feeling. I don't hate him but I wish he could feel how I feel

 

[knw1991]

What triggered the depression back in 2011? Was it a specific incident or was it because you were comparing yourself to others?

The build up of researching signs of being saved, God's silence to my prayers, and being around my cousin and other Christians who were close with God. I went to a Christian conference with other college students in October 2011 hoping I could get help but being around happy people who were close to God, had visions, gifts and talents was the breaking point. We sat in a circle for prayer one night with the students from my school and a girl we didn't know joined us. One of the guys said God told him the girl was struggling with keeping her joy because her friend turned her back on her since she was saved now. I felt like how could God not mention my pain to someone. I felt invisible and worthless to God. I was fighting to survive and he was more concerned about someone who had an issue with a friend. That did it for me. I felt like an outcast there. I harmed myself for the first time at the conference. I was ready to leave. I thought the conference would help but it was only the beginning of two years of depression.

 

[LottyH]

Yes I like that story too .i can relate to the man because I know I have some sort of faith but I still have a lot of doubt. I look forward to hearing more about your experiences with church. Another thing that hurts me is that the person that broke my hurt is struggling emotionally. I feel so bad for them and I want the best for him but I still feel anger toward them for hurting me. I so desperately want to see him healed. I really love him but he doesn't love me. I guess it's a love/ dislike feeling. I don't hate him but I wish he could feel how I feel

That really sucks - our hearts are so vulnerable to being hurt. I'm sorry you've had to go through this

Some churches make you feel like you have no faith especially if you are having a tough time. I used to go to a church where I felt everyone was happy except me, everyone wore huge smiles and said all the right things. Yet out of the blue one day they had an alter call for anyone who felt suicidal, HALF OF THE CHURCH went down the front for prayer. Just one minute before they were singing songs about how victorious they were and jumping up and down with joy.

I realised outward appearances do not show what's going on inside people. People would raise their hands in worship, tears of joys streaming down their faces. They would tell me about how God spoke to them and they would sound so spiritual. I never experienced anything like they did and I was so quiet and conservative I felt so out of place.

One of the leaders of the church was so on fire for God and I would go to his mid-week meetings. A week before I was married I went to a meeting and he was exactly the same, full of faith and joy. But he and his pregnant wife didn't show up at my wedding and I found out it was because he had left his wife for another women and had left the church. What??????????

 

[LottyH]

I think our posts crossed but sounds like we've had similar experiences with church?

 

[knw1991]

That really sucks - our hearts are so vulnerable to being hurt. I'm sorry you've had to go through this

Some churches make you feel like you have no faith especially if you are having a tough time. I used to go to a church where I felt everyone was happy except me, everyone wore huge smiles and said all the right things. Yet out of the blue one day they had an alter call for anyone who felt suicidal, HALF OF THE CHURCH went down the front for prayer. Just one minute before they were singing songs about how victorious they were and jumping up and down with joy.

I realised outward appearances do not show what's going on inside people. People would raise their hands in worship, tears of joys streaming down their faces. They would tell me about how God spoke to them and they would sound so spiritual. I never experienced anything like they did and I was so quiet and conservative I felt so out of place.

One of the leaders of the church was so on fire for God and I would go to his mid-week meetings. A week before I was married I went to a meeting and he was exactly the same, full of faith and joy. But he and his pregnant wife didn't show up at my wedding and I found out it was because he had left his wife for another women and had left the church. What??????????

Wow I don't see how someone that's suicidal could even find the strength to pretend by jumping up and down and appearing happy. When I'm depressed I don't have the energy to pretend like that. And that pastor! Wow how could he pretend to be so right with God and then do that to his wife?! I want to be married but I'm afraid because there are so many horror stories of how people turn out to be completely different from who you thought they were.

 

[LottyH]

The build up of researching signs of being saved, God's silence to my prayers, and being around my cousin and other Christians who were close with God. I went to a Christian conference with other college students in October 2011 hoping I could get help but being around happy people who were close to God, had visions, gifts and talents was the breaking point. We sat in a circle for prayer one night with the students from my school and a girl we didn't know joined us. One of the guys said God told him the girl was struggling with keeping her joy because her friend turned her back on her since she was saved now. I felt like how could God not mention my pain to someone. I felt invisible and worthless to God. I was fighting to survive and he was more concerned about someone who had an issue with a friend. That did it for me. I felt like an outcast there. I harmed myself for the first time at the conference. I was ready to leave. I thought the conference would help but it was only the beginning of two years of depression.

Something churches don't teach is that God is silent a lot of the time!!! Its frustrating that God doesn't just sort our lives out and speak to us and verbally tell us that He cares.

God seems to have a very different approach where He allows us to struggle and stretch our faith even though we feel that we've reached our limit. I don't understand why He works like this but I know that I have become a much better person because of it. Many times I've felt like I was hanging over a cliff holding onto a bare thread that was ready to break. I don't know how I got through it, but I did and I know God is working in you even though it doesn't feel like it.

I know the type of conferences you are talking about and many are false, false, false. I am so glad you don't relate to any of it!!!

 

[LottyH]

Wow I don't see how someone that's suicidal could even find the strength to pretend by jumping up and down and appearing happy. When I'm depressed I don't have the energy to pretend like that. And that pastor! Wow how could he pretend to be so right with God and then do that to his wife?! I want to be married but I'm afraid because there are so many horror stories of how people turn out to be completely different from who you thought they were.

Yes you are walking on dangerous ground by comparing yourself to others because you really don't know what's really going on. Shortly after I married my faith filled husband he had an experience that led him to feel really rejected and angry towards God. I stuck by him but he was like this for 15 long difficult years. Thankfully he's made peace with God now.

 

[knw1991]

Something churches don't teach is that God is silent a lot of the time!!! Its frustrating that God doesn't just sort our lives out and speak to us and verbally tell us that He cares.

God seems to have a very different approach where He allows us to struggle and stretch our faith even though we feel that we've reached our limit. I don't understand why He works like this but I know that I have become a much better person because of it. Many times I've felt like I was hanging over a cliff holding onto a bare thread that was ready to break. I don't know how I got through it, but I did and I know God is working in you even though it doesn't feel like it.

I know the type of conferences you are talking about and many are false, false, false. I am so glad you don't relate to any of it!!!

I don't mean to be pessimistic but how do you know God is working in your life? How do we know it's not our perseverance and will to live? I'm not trying to give myself any credit but the method of how God works seems so passive. He said he came to give us abundant life but it seems like we are just barely making it that's not abundant life . Why does he let us suffer and hold on for dear life. Today I felt like it was all over for me. I wanted to leave here so bad but I thought of my mom its not fair to let her down and make her feel like her love wasn't enough and let people like my dad and that guy take me away from her. But it's so hard to hold on, I'm afraid my life will always be this way.

 

[knw1991]

Yes you are walking on dangerous ground by comparing yourself to others because you really don't know what's really going on. Shortly after I married my faith filled husband he had an experience that led him to feel really rejected and angry towards God. I stuck by him but he was like this for 15 long difficult years. Thankfully he's made peace with God now.

I compare myself to others a lot. Its hard not to esoecially when they have what you don't, like this one girl I know. She's a Christian, in physician assistant school, happily married to a Christian man, she can sing and dance, and she had a father in her life. She had everything I hope for. Every time she posts something on fb I feel disgusted with my life and rejected by God

 

[LottyH]

I don't mean to be pessimistic but how do you know God is working in your life? How do we know it's not our perseverance and will to live? I'm not trying to give myself any credit but the method of how God works seems so passive. He said he came to give us abundant life but it seems like we are just barely making it that's not abundant life . Why does he let us suffer and hold on for dear life. Today I felt like it was all over for me. I wanted to leave here so bad but I thought of my mom its not fair to let her down and make her feel like her love wasn't enough and let people like my dad and that guy take me away from her. But it's so hard to hold on, I'm afraid my life will always be this way.

Sorry that sounded like a right cliché about God working in your life. But I do have a strong inkling that God is working on your life because although you may not realise it He is revealing the falsehoods that are going on in the church system.

His most important agenda is probably very different to your own. God's agenda is to have a church that has been refined like gold. Can you imagine what its like being refined by fire? Peter 1:7 describes 'the trial of our faith being much more precious than gold, though it be tried with fire'. My experience of my faith being tried with fire has been a painful one but its one that bears fruit. Like you said you have become more compassionate because of what's happened to you - the fruit of this is that you are reaching out to others and making a real difference to others lives.

 

[LottyH]

I compare myself to others a lot. Its hard not to esoecially when they have what you don't, like this one girl I know. She's a Christian, in physician assistant school, happily married to a Christian man, she can sing and dance, and she had a father in her life. She had everything I hope for. Every time she posts something on fb I feel disgusted with my life and rejected by God

Sounds like she has a very happy life - do you think that is evidence that God is pleased with her?

 

[knw1991]

Sounds like she has a very happy life - do you think that is evidence that God is pleased with her?

Yes I think so. She loves God and has a lot of faith in Him

 

[knw1991]

Sorry that sounded like a right cliché about God working in your life. But I do have a strong inkling that God is working on your life because although you may not realise it He is revealing the falsehoods that are going on in the church system.

His most important agenda is probably very different to your own. God's agenda is to have a church that has been refined like gold. Can you imagine what its like being refined by fire? Peter 1:7 describes 'the trial of our faith being much more precious than gold, though it be tried with fire'. My experience of my faith being tried with fire has been a painful one but its one that bears fruit. Like you said you have become more compassionate because of what's happened to you - the fruit of this is that you are reaching out to others and making a real difference to others lives.

The only time I reach out to people is on cf, and I only comment on a few threads. I pray for people but then I forget about their situation when I see their thread again I feel bad that I forgot to pray for them

 

[LottyH]

I compare myself to others a lot. Its hard not to esoecially when they have what you don't, like this one girl I know. She's a Christian, in physician assistant school, happily married to a Christian man, she can sing and dance, and she had a father in her life. She had everything I hope for. Every time she posts something on fb I feel disgusted with my life and rejected by God

Do you think if this girl didn't have all those things you mentioned but still believed in God and tried to help others - do you think God would still be pleased with her?

 

[LottyH]

The only time I reach out to people is on cf, and I only comment on a few threads. I pray for people but then I forget about their situation when I see their thread again I feel bad that I forgot to pray for them

Yes, I forget too and feel bad but God is pleased that we are trying even in our limited way to help others. If we don't who else will? Many people get caught up in their busy, happy lives and organising their next holiday or social events that they don't even know there are hurting people out there.