I just felt compelled to share my own testimony with everyone in this forum since I think it could be of some help. For one, I am now 21 as of a week ago. I have been addicted to masturbation since I was around 12 or so and have been addicted to hardcore pornography for just as long. I've often known that pornography is wrong and that masturbation isn't the best thing in the world. It wasn't until recently that it struck me. I have been dating a wonderful Christian girl for nearly 3 years now and we are engaged. We'll be getting married Summer of 2010. Anyway, I had never intentionally tried to hide all of this from her, but I always downplayed it as if it wasn't an addiction, just an unfortunate habit I needed to break. She was upset on finding out, but I convinced her things would get better and I would stop it.
Here's the bad part. I looked at it again. I confessed this to her and it was very hard to do so. With God's aid, we moved on from that time. Then I did it again. telling her for the 2nd time that I had gone back on my promise to her was the hardest thing I've ever done. Not only that, but it began to sink in that I was addicted--I could not stop this behavior. Not only this, but my father has lived out his entire life in the midst of a sex addiction, has had multiple affairs, and now lives in such a silent resignation to the extent I genuinely fear for his salvation. I realized with the utmost certainty that if something didn't change I would end up just like that. And I imagine many of you have felt the same thing.
The greatest thing I ever realized was that my motives had been wrong all along. Even though I called on the name of the Lord, my ultimate goal was to fix my relationship with my fiancee, to become a better person, to become free from porn. My ultimate goal was not the glory of the Lord. I will tell all of you this: any time your ultimate goal in your spiritual journey focuses on anything other than Jesus Christ and his glory, you will fall. It isn't a matter of if, but when. We too often use Christ as a means to an end, but not the end itself. He IS the goal! If only I had understood this ages ago!!!
Not only this, but struggles, tempations, and yes, even failures, do not mean you are lost. Not by a long shot. The Bible says the Law brings consciousness of sin. In the New Testament, God's Law is written on our hearts. The fact that you are aware of your sin and are wearied by it means you are indeed listening to the Holy Spirit! So do not lose hope! The Law and the Spirit convict of sin so that we might seek forgiveness! Condemnation is not of God but of the devil! When you fall and you feel like you might as well give up because God no longer wants to put up with you, know that that is not God speaking but Satan. The idea that God will ever turn away a begging, pleading prodigal son is a lie from the pit of Hell.
Keep hope. You are not lost! God bless all of you
Here's the bad part. I looked at it again. I confessed this to her and it was very hard to do so. With God's aid, we moved on from that time. Then I did it again. telling her for the 2nd time that I had gone back on my promise to her was the hardest thing I've ever done. Not only that, but it began to sink in that I was addicted--I could not stop this behavior. Not only this, but my father has lived out his entire life in the midst of a sex addiction, has had multiple affairs, and now lives in such a silent resignation to the extent I genuinely fear for his salvation. I realized with the utmost certainty that if something didn't change I would end up just like that. And I imagine many of you have felt the same thing.
The greatest thing I ever realized was that my motives had been wrong all along. Even though I called on the name of the Lord, my ultimate goal was to fix my relationship with my fiancee, to become a better person, to become free from porn. My ultimate goal was not the glory of the Lord. I will tell all of you this: any time your ultimate goal in your spiritual journey focuses on anything other than Jesus Christ and his glory, you will fall. It isn't a matter of if, but when. We too often use Christ as a means to an end, but not the end itself. He IS the goal! If only I had understood this ages ago!!!
Not only this, but struggles, tempations, and yes, even failures, do not mean you are lost. Not by a long shot. The Bible says the Law brings consciousness of sin. In the New Testament, God's Law is written on our hearts. The fact that you are aware of your sin and are wearied by it means you are indeed listening to the Holy Spirit! So do not lose hope! The Law and the Spirit convict of sin so that we might seek forgiveness! Condemnation is not of God but of the devil! When you fall and you feel like you might as well give up because God no longer wants to put up with you, know that that is not God speaking but Satan. The idea that God will ever turn away a begging, pleading prodigal son is a lie from the pit of Hell.
Keep hope. You are not lost! God bless all of you
