Does this example count as a "hard life" ?

[Gnarwhal]

I'm curious about something. My step kids dad is not in the picture, he's always skimped on his child support, when he lived near them he still faltered on picking them up on time every other weekend for an overnight visit (if he showed at all). His inability to be a father has left my wife with a lot of guilt which has compelled her to spoil my step son, and now he's grown up he has a spoiled attitude, rude behavior, he's lazy, entitled, and lacks integrity.

I shared a write up of some strict house rules I mean to impose to whip my family into shape (they all need it to varying degrees). They sleep too much during the day, don't get outside enough, and are too lax with their eating habits (including when they eat). I mean to change all that when I'm head of the household again and I told this person "I intend to make my step sons life difficult" because he needs it more than anyone.

As I was discussing this with that person, I noted that my wife doesn't think her son is spoiled because it's off-set somehow by the "hard life" he's had without a father. The person I was sharing this with countered that an absent father doesn't a hard life make, per se. That there are a lot of people nationwide who have grown up without fathers but their lives weren't hard, or if they were that's because they actually suffered whereas my step son hasn't. He's always had all of his needs met and plenty of luxuries given (I mean, when my wife and I were first dating I noticed the lengths she went to to find him a Playstation 5 - well beyond what most parents would do).

Anyway. Measured against our Catholic ethics and morals, would you say simply having an absentee father automatically makes for a hard life?

 

[Michie]

I'm curious about something. My step kids dad is not in the picture, he's always skimped on his child support, when he lived near them he still faltered on picking them up on time every other weekend for an overnight visit (if he showed at all). His inability to be a father has left my wife with a lot of guilt which has compelled her to spoil my step son, and now he's grown up he has a spoiled attitude, rude behavior, he's lazy, entitled, and lacks integrity.

I shared a write up of some strict house rules I mean to impose to whip my family into shape (they all need it to varying degrees). They sleep too much during the day, don't get outside enough, and are too lax with their eating habits (including when they eat). I mean to change all that when I'm head of the household again and I told this person "I intend to make my step sons life difficult" because he needs it more than anyone.

As I was discussing this with that person, I noted that my wife doesn't think her son is spoiled because it's off-set somehow by the "hard life" he's had without a father. The person I was sharing this with countered that an absent father doesn't a hard life make, per se. That there are a lot of people nationwide who have grown up without fathers but their lives weren't hard, or if they were that's because they actually suffered whereas my step son hasn't. He's always had all of his needs met and plenty of luxuries given (I mean, when my wife and I were first dating I noticed the lengths she went to to find him a Playstation 5 - well beyond what most parents would do).

Anyway. Measured against our Catholic ethics and morals, would you say simply having an absentee father automatically makes for a hard life?

No. Many times that thought is cultivated by the present parent or family by overcompensating. Kids will use anything to get their way. Of course his feelings may be hurt or whatever but that’s no excuse to make everyone miserable. It turns into a crutch. That won’t work his whole life. I’m not saying there is not hurt that comes along with an irresponsible father but it’s not an excuse for mollycoddling a petulant teenager either. And it does him or nobody any favors.

 

[mourningdove~]

Anyway. Measured against our Catholic ethics and morals, would you say simply having an absentee father automatically makes for a hard life?

Automatically? No.

Possible? Yes, not based on what I personally believe but, more importantly, based on what I read in the 1994 Catechism*:

(*assuming your wife and the stepson's father were divorced)

2385
Divorce is immoral also because it introduces disorder into the family and into society. This disorder brings grave harm to the deserted spouse, to children traumatized by the separation of their parents and often torn between them, and because of its contagious effect which makes it truly a plague on society.

Unresolved trauma residing in a child ... or residing in anyone, for that matter ... can make for a 'hard life'.
Showering with gifts will not heal the trauma wounds. It takes the love of Jesus, to heal wounds that deep.

Your situation sounds challenging, but, as his stepfather, I see you as being in prime position to demonstrate the love of God to this young man. He needs Jesus.

 

[Bob Crowley]

I tthink it has an effect, but I don't think it necessarily means that they have a "hard life".

On the other hand, the fact that a single mother is bringing up the children often means they have limited resources.

 

[Michie]

I thought you might be interested in this @spicoli.

Breaking the Father Wound Cycle: Be the Man Others Need

In this episode, hosts John Heinen and Sam Guzman speak with author and evangelist Peter Herbeck about his journey of overcoming a deep father wound through forgiveness and growth. Peter shares how his experiences with his alcoholic father had shaped his life and how he discovered the true...

catholicgentleman.com

 

[Gnarwhal]

Automatically? No.

Possible? Yes, not based on what I personally believe but, more importantly, based on what I read in the 1994 Catechism*:

(*assuming your wife and the stepson's father were divorced)

2385
Divorce is immoral also because it introduces disorder into the family and into society. This disorder brings grave harm to the deserted spouse, to children traumatized by the separation of their parents and often torn between them, and because of its contagious effect which makes it truly a plague on society.

Unresolved trauma residing in a child ... or residing in anyone, for that matter ... can make for a 'hard life'.
Showering with gifts will not heal the trauma wounds. It takes the love of Jesus, to heal wounds that deep.

Your situation sounds challenging, but, as his stepfather, I see you as being in prime position to demonstrate the love of God to this young man. He needs Jesus.

I wonder if it has the same impacts since their dad and my wife were never married. So there was no sacrament involved, no graces per se because they also weren't practicing any measure of faith whatsoever. The kids are basically a product of a college fling, and then my wife and their father circled back to each other a few times over the subsequent 13 years or so.

That would be an interesting question for a priest, because on the surface of course it's going to carry the same disappointment that two parents splitting up would have but on a spiritual level my gut suspects it would be different. Maybe even subconsciously there's not the same expectation that the parents will remain committed and faithful to each other and not abandon each other.

I thought you might be interested in this @spicoli.

Breaking the Father Wound Cycle: Be the Man Others Need

In this episode, hosts John Heinen and Sam Guzman speak with author and evangelist Peter Herbeck about his journey of overcoming a deep father wound through forgiveness and growth. Peter shares how his experiences with his alcoholic father had shaped his life and how he discovered the true...

catholicgentleman.com

Great resource. Sam Guzman and his crew do really good work on manhood.

 

[High Fidelity]

It’s worth noting that individuals are individually impacted by adversity and events in life. How you handle something isn’t necessarily how someone else would, and there isn’t always a clear right or wrong way to cope with those things.

At the end of the day, she’s his mother, his parent. I also disagree with sweeping statements like sleeping in too much or not going out enough. What someone chooses to do in their spare time, be it resting or playing games, that’s up to them and he should be afforded the luxury of being a child for as long as possible, because life will hit him pretty quick and fast as adulthood arrives.

I can appreciate wanting better for your family, just be mindful that what you want or expect in your own life isn’t necessarily fair to expect of others in theirs.

 

[Gnarwhal]

At the end of the day, she’s his mother, his parent. I also disagree with sweeping statements like sleeping in too much or not going out enough. What someone chooses to do in their spare time, be it resting or playing games, that’s up to them and he should be afforded the luxury of being a child for as long as possible, because life will hit him pretty quick and fast as adulthood arrives.

You don't understand, this isn't just down time. This is all he does. He has a part time job working about 20 hours per week and that's the only time he leaves the house. The rest of the time he's either sleeping, eating, playing video games, or binge watching something on TV. He's homeschooled but his mom really has to push him to get his work done and I suspect he cheats (in the "what did you get for this answer? Oh yeah me too" kind of way).

If he wants to live that lifestyle as an adult he's welcome to do that, somewhere else. He can take his own money and rent his own apartment and do whatever he wants. But I don't work my butt off to support laziness like that. He's going to be 18 in two months, in my book once a person starts driving they're no longer children and much more should be expected of them.

I won't tolerate a 20, 25, or 30+ year-old boy living in my home. Time for him to man up. His father never did, his father represents the lifestyle my step son has lived and chased thus far, but it's time for him to meet the harsh reality of the world and find out that life isn't going to let him coast. As things are now, he acts like a child still calling my wife "mama" in a childlike cadence, and asking her to cook meals for him that she doesn't need to be cooking (like just throwing some frozen food in the oven) when she has her hands full with our newborn. He also refuses to acknowledge his baby brother and has even said "I'm the baby" to some family.

This is seriously stunted and immature behavior that needs a kick in the pants to sort out.

I can appreciate wanting better for your family, just be mindful that what you want or expect in your own life isn’t necessarily fair to expect of others in theirs.

I agree, and I wouldn't have a problem with that if he was supporting himself but he's not. I'm about to take on a second job to support my family, likely working 50-60 hours per week or more in total. I'm not doing any of this so they can live fruitless and self-indulgent lives under my charge. Even when he's 18 he will live by my standards as long as he's consuming my resources. As my grandpa used to tell my mom and uncle, "as long as you live in my house, you will live by my rules."

 

[Chrystal-J]

Step parenting is a hard job if both parents aren't on the same page. When my step sons laid around watching TV, I told their dad that they either had to get a job, go to school or move out. My husband would of just let them lay around if I hadn't said anything. Thank God, he agreed with me and told his adult sons to get a job or go to school. They both went to school, but eventually moved back into their mother's house.

 

[zippy2006]

Anyway. Measured against our Catholic ethics and morals, would you say simply having an absentee father automatically makes for a hard life?

In America we tend to focus a lot on material plenitude and material poverty. The absence of a father does not necessarily cause material poverty or adversity, but it does cause poverty in the spheres of spirituality and virtue, and according to the Catholic view this is a much greater evil. One who has reliable parents but grows up in material poverty is much better off than one who does not have reliable parents but grows up in wealth and luxury. It is the latter case that is more truly pitiable. Pity or mercy is a crucial virtue in these familial cases.

Perhaps he does need discipline, as you say. Probably he also needs a constructive outlet for his energies, as well as a creative and productive way to engage the world. For example, I know a step-father who took his wayward step-son under his wing and taught him woodworking. He taught him how to build things; things that he could legitimately be proud of; things that were useful; things that were valuable; things that stood the test of time. It seems like a small thing, but it changed his life.

 

[Joined2krist]

Good idea

 

[Gnarwhal]

In America we tend to focus a lot on material plenitude and material poverty. The absence of a father does not necessarily cause material poverty or adversity, but it does cause poverty in the spheres of spirituality and virtue, and according to the Catholic view this is a much greater evil. One who has reliable parents but grows up in material poverty is much better off than one who does not have reliable parents but grows up in wealth and luxury. It is the latter case that is more truly pitiable. Pity or mercy is a crucial virtue in these familial cases.

Perhaps he does need discipline, as you say. Probably he also needs a constructive outlet for his energies, as well as a creative and productive way to engage the world. For example, I know a step-father who took his wayward step-son under his wing and taught him woodworking. He taught him how to build things; things that he could legitimately be proud of; things that were useful; things that were valuable; things that stood the test of time. It seems like a small thing, but it changed his life.

In my step son's case, if his father had been presence he would've been morally injured because his father lacks any semblance of a moral compass. He's forced multiple women to have abortions, uses drugs, fakes injury to get out of work, abuses aid systems, and lies habitually to everyone in his life. My step son is already corrupted enough by that influence but if this guy had been in the home for his entire life he'd be even worse off than he is now.

That's the way I see it.

Like you said about constructive outlets, that's something I plan to do if he ends up moving here. At the very least he'll have a job, but I'm also going to try to impart some other skills that every man ought to have. From small things like being able to build a fire to larger things like basic construction skills. There's plenty of work at my parents house that he can help me do.