Does/Did anyone else struggle with this ...

[Camalinda]

Wow - I have this same thing running through my head all of the time. Is she X% manic and Y% heartless? That's the million dollar question for me too! Wow, those of us with bipolar spouses do have very similar situations...

This might not be the best introductory post but...

I have bipolar disorder. My bipolar disorder is well-controlled. Why? Because I spent months- and I mean months- in the hospital (I will say, mine was partial-hospitalization- IOW, from 9-3 every weekday, I was at the hospital) getting drug therapy treatment, individual therapy, group therapy, classes in HOW to manage my disorder, etc. I took my diagnosis very seriously and knew that as a mother of four young children at the time, I needed to do whatever I had to do to be healthy enough to care for my family. It was not easy and there was a LOT of trial and error. But, in time, I found a groove and I am very stable now. This was 10 years ago. I still take medication. I still go to therapy- but mainly for my life stressors now, not for my diagnosis.

I recently left my husband of 18 years because he is abusive. I am a client with my local domestic abuse agency. They found housing for me and my children. *I* am stable- the one who has a diagnosis of bipolar disorder. Guess who is not stable? Right- my husband. He has no diagnosis, though if he sought treatment, I'm pretty sure he would have one. He refuses treatment. He refuses counseling. He refuses to listen to the Christian men who have gone to him about his abuse.

All this to say- I don't really care WHAT diagnosis a person has. Except for perhaps the most severe forms of mental illness that truly do render a person severely impaired- anyone can change. Anyone can get the treatment they need. Anyone can take life-changing medication. Anyone can really work at - not just "go to"- therapy. Anyone can decide that their bipolar disorder, or their OCD, or their paralysis or their thyroid disease or what-have-you, is not going to be an excuse to sin, behave badly, ruin a marriage, leave a family, abandon your children, have an affair and whatever fill-in-the-blank situations you can think of. I don't know if that gives you hope or fills you with despair. I am not really intending to do either. I wanted to speak perhaps a little truth into the bipolar discussion I have seen discussed on this forum as I read through the threads.

Yes, bipolar disorder can be quite devastating. I am not discounting that. But I really don't see how it can excuse bad behaviors- sin.

I'll stop there for now. Lots more to say, but I wanted to chime in on this topic in particular.

 

[BlueJay83]

This might not be the best introductory post but...

I have bipolar disorder. My bipolar disorder is well-controlled. Why? Because I spent months- and I mean months- in the hospital (I will say, mine was partial-hospitalization- IOW, from 9-3 every weekday, I was at the hospital) getting drug therapy treatment, individual therapy, group therapy, classes in HOW to manage my disorder, etc. I took my diagnosis very seriously and knew that as a mother of four young children at the time, I needed to do whatever I had to do to be healthy enough to care for my family. It was not easy and there was a LOT of trial and error. But, in time, I found a groove and I am very stable now. This was 10 years ago. I still take medication. I still go to therapy- but mainly for my life stressors now, not for my diagnosis.

I recently left my husband of 18 years because he is abusive. I am a client with my local domestic abuse agency. They found housing for me and my children. *I* am stable- the one who has a diagnosis of bipolar disorder. Guess who is not stable? Right- my husband. He has no diagnosis, though if he sought treatment, I'm pretty sure he would have one. He refuses treatment. He refuses counseling. He refuses to listen to the Christian men who have gone to him about his abuse.

All this to say- I don't really care WHAT diagnosis a person has. Except for perhaps the most severe forms of mental illness that truly do render a person severely impaired- anyone can change. Anyone can get the treatment they need. Anyone can take life-changing medication. Anyone can really work at - not just "go to"- therapy. Anyone can decide that their bipolar disorder, or their OCD, or their paralysis or their thyroid disease or what-have-you, is not going to be an excuse to sin, behave badly, ruin a marriage, leave a family, abandon your children, have an affair and whatever fill-in-the-blank situations you can think of. I don't know if that gives you hope or fills you with despair. I am not really intending to do either. I wanted to speak perhaps a little truth into the bipolar discussion I have seen discussed on this forum as I read through the threads.

Yes, bipolar disorder can be quite devastating. I am not discounting that. But I really don't see how it can excuse bad behaviors- sin.

I'll stop there for now. Lots more to say, but I wanted to chime in on this topic in particular.

I think it's an excellent introductory post.
welcome to the forum.

Thank you

I'm so happy for you that you have taken control of it and kept going strong.
I wish my wife would just try... her psychologist visited her today and she sat on the couch watching TV, she had to be asked to turn the TV off..
She also hasn't taken her medication in over 2 weeks now.

I think a bad upbringing in a family consisting of her Bi-Polar mother and whatever boyfriend she had at the time, is contributing to her poor decision making.

Well done to you however for doing so well.

 

[Camalinda]

I think a bad upbringing in a family consisting of her Bi-Polar mother and whatever boyfriend she had at the time, is contributing to her poor decision making.

Well done to you however for doing so well.

Thanks for your welcome, Candleman.

I am sorry- I did not mean to come across as patting myself on the back or saying, "Look at me! I'm so great!" I just was hoping to point out that *everyone* has decisions to make in life- and we either choose to do what needs to be done, or we don't. Regardless or whatever diagnosis we might have.

I grew up in a Christian home- my parents, however, are first-generation Christians. My father's father was an abusive alcholic and my mother's family were alcoholics. Even though my parents became Christians while I was very young, they still brought all that baggage with them and of course, I'm still carrying some of their suitcases as well. I guess I just wanted to put it out there to be careful about excusing someone's bad behaviors because of "x" diagnosis or "y" diagnosis. Yes, we can be caring and loving but for me, anyway, it's still not an excuse to behave badly and wreak havoc over and over and over in someone else's life.

Living with someone who needs special care for a medical or mental condition- but the person receives help- is one thing. Living with someone who chooses to ignore what they need to do to be healthy and thereby creates nothing but chaos for those around him/her is an entirely different story.

I don't know- I feel like the Grim Reaper here. Not my intent! I just had read several posts in different threads about bipolar wives and wanted to chime in. I do hope it didn't serve to rub salt in a wound or make myself sound like I have it all together (I don't! Just ask my kids ...).

 

[BlueJay83]

I know you weren't patting yourself on the back, I was doing that for you.

I really do admire you for making the right decisions and keeping it together enough to run your life with four kids.

I *was* excusing my wifes behavior for quite a long time in the name of her "recovery" but after many heartfelt peas to her about how bad she was hurting me... she eventually pushed me too far. There are still lots of verbal promises about change and action but just like the last 7 years it's still all talk no action.

So, you're not rubbing Salt in the wound at all, you're reinforcing what I have been starting to feel as i reached that point of no return. That is, She is an adult and if she does not act responsibly as one, she needs to live with the consequences.

besides all my ramblings, from someone who has seen how bad this sickness can be...(with my wife not even recognising me and calling me her dad, spending 4 months in hospital) you have a right to be proud of yourself, so take some credit because credit is due!

Edit:
feel free to say more, don't hold back. I'm interested in hearing more from people who have a mental illness and are managing to cope. It makes it easier for me because then I know "my Princess" isn't entirely a victim of a horrible sickness.. she does have more control and choice than we are lead to believe.
So her infidelity weren't involuntary symptoms, it were choice related.

 

[Conservativation]

My niece suddenly went "off", they first said bi polar, she was put in state hospital, then it was escalated to schizophrenia. Twice they have attempted her being out, both times back in.....now seems she is state hospital for long term. beautiful girl, actually was a global model Paris Tokyo, etc....as a 17 yr old living overseas (w/ her mom) for periods, now at 28 she is a shell of herself.

very tragic

 

[HeKnowsMyName]

Cam,

I think you were very humble in your post. I am very impressed with your accomplishments and that you wanted to do what was best for you and the kids.

 

[Luvmy5grls]

Just wanted to share some scripture that encouraged me through my divorce.

Psalm 37
Do not fret because of those who are evil
or be envious of those who do wrong;
2 for like the grass they will soon wither,
like green plants they will soon die away.

3 Trust in the LORD and do good;
dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture.
4 Take delight in the LORD,
and he will give you the desires of your heart.
5 Commit your way to the LORD;
trust in him and he will do this:
6 He will make your righteous reward shine like the dawn,
your vindication like the noonday sun.
7 Be still before the LORD
and wait patiently for him;
do not fret when people succeed in their ways,
when they carry out their wicked schemes.
8 Refrain from anger and turn from wrath;
do not fret—it leads only to evil.
9 For those who are evil will be destroyed,
but those who hope in the LORD will inherit the land.
10 A little while, and the wicked will be no more;
though you look for them, they will not be found.
11 But the meek will inherit the land
and enjoy peace and prosperity.
12 The wicked plot against the righteous
and gnash their teeth at them;
13 but the Lord laughs at the wicked,
for he knows their day is coming.
14 The wicked draw the sword
and bend the bow
to bring down the poor and needy,
to slay those whose ways are upright.
15 But their swords will pierce their own hearts,
and their bows will be broken.
16 Better the little that the righteous have
than the wealth of many wicked;
17 for the power of the wicked will be broken,
but the LORD upholds the righteous.
18 The blameless spend their days under the LORD’s care,
and their inheritance will endure forever.
19 In times of disaster they will not wither;
in days of famine they will enjoy plenty.
20 But the wicked will perish:
Though the LORD’s enemies are like the flowers of the field,
they will be consumed, they will go up in smoke.
21 The wicked borrow and do not repay,
but the righteous give generously;
22 those the LORD blesses will inherit the land,
but those he curses will be destroyed.
23 The LORD makes firm the steps
of the one who delights in him;
24 though he may stumble, he will not fall,
for the LORD upholds him with his hand.
25 I was young and now I am old,
yet I have never seen the righteous forsaken
or their children begging bread.
26 They are always generous and lend freely;
their children will be a blessing.[b]
27 Turn from evil and do good;
then you will dwell in the land forever.
28 For the LORD loves the just
and will not forsake his faithful ones.
Wrongdoers will be completely destroyed[c];
the offspring of the wicked will perish.
29 The righteous will inherit the land
and dwell in it forever.
30 The mouths of the righteous utter wisdom,
and their tongues speak what is just.
31 The law of their God is in their hearts;
their feet do not slip.
32 The wicked lie in wait for the righteous,
intent on putting them to death;
33 but the LORD will not leave them in the power of the wicked
or let them be condemned when brought to trial.
34 Hope in the LORD
and keep his way.
He will exalt you to inherit the land;
when the wicked are destroyed, you will see it.
35 I have seen a wicked and ruthless man
flourishing like a luxuriant native tree,
36 but he soon passed away and was no more;
though I looked for him, he could not be found.
37 Consider the blameless, observe the upright;
a future awaits those who seek peace.[d]
38 But all sinners will be destroyed;
there will be no future[e] for the wicked. 39 The salvation of the righteous comes from the LORD;
he is their stronghold in time of trouble.
40 The LORD helps them and delivers them;
he delivers them from the wicked and saves them,
because they take refuge in him.

 

[HeKnowsMyName]

Luv, you will probably NOT believe this, but that is the same scripture God put on my Mother's heart today. We just had another battle with the ex about the kids. I won't go into that because I just don't feel like putting it out there in public. And verses 1-4 was the scripture my Mother felt led to look up this morning. AMAZING! That let's me know God is working even when I get so discouraged that I can't imagine how.

 

[rkz]

Let me start by saying that I am not judging you, coz I have no right to. But my question is how is your own standing with God? We know your ex is living in sin but are your steps being ordered by the Almight yourself? Did you ask God to examine you on this. Maybe God wants you to be in a certain place and you have to go through the desert/wilderness first.