Does anybody have sex before marriage?

[chrystie171]

Here is my story :-

I just started attending Church last 2 months and i know sex before marriage is a sin. And i've been baptised by holy spirit. Because i dont wanna go hell.
As the Bible says : You shall not commit adultery, no lust,
All this are sins. But is there anything wrong if i still have sex with my love one? Because me and my boyfriend have been together for 3 1/2 years, and after i join Church, i suddenly stop having sex with my boyfriend which is unusual for me and him, because i love making love with him. So whenever i see him, i will feel uncomfortable and so much of guilt in me, because i wanted to give in. But am struggling. And so i stressed myself up, till i need to go for medication because of my anxiety! I fear alot!

Please give advice. I dont know what to do. Even the temptation to touch and have sex with him, makes me feel uneasy already.

 

[Mr.Cheese]

Sex is a responsibility as well. It is "best" exercised in the committment of marriage. Sex tends to make children. If you are not ready to be a mother and he a father, then I would abstain from trying to become a mother or father.

As far as sin, I just see it as a responsibility problem. There are far worse things human can do in this world.
3 1/2 years is quite a while. Any plans on getting married?

Sexual desire is a part of being human. God made us this way. No matter how "spirit filled" you are, you are still human. I don't believe God wouold want it any other way.

 

[Chajara]

If you've been together over three years and your lovemaking increased your bond and wasn't only for pleasure, then you guys are probably set up perfectly to get married anyway. All you need now is a legal ceremony, which means next to nothing as far as I'm concerned. I think stopping the lovemaking now will hurt the relationship if you two were really making love (like I said, not just doing it because it feels good.) Talk to him about marriage, and don't be so anxious.

 

[chrystie171]

If you've been together over three years and your lovemaking increased your bond and wasn't only for pleasure, then you guys are probably set up perfectly to get married anyway. All you need now is a legal ceremony, which means next to nothing as far as I'm concerned. I think stopping the lovemaking now will hurt the relationship if you two were really making love (like I said, not just doing it because it feels good.) Talk to him about marriage, and don't be so anxious.

Well, he's not planning to marry because he's not capable and he's concentrating on his career first. And he plans to marry later, maybe 5 years time. Sigh.
So i was thinking and hoping and praying to just wait for him and hope our relationship will go well, because we wont know what future hold for us.
And another thing is, whenever i make love with him (which is less already ever since i go to church), i feel guilty asking forgiveness again and again. Sigh..

 

[janny108]

Well, he's not planning to marry because he's not capable and he's concentrating on his career first. And he plans to marry later, maybe 5 years time. Sigh.
So i was thinking and hoping and praying to just wait for him and hope our relationship will go well, because we wont know what future hold for us.
And another thing is, whenever i make love with him (which is less already ever since i go to church), i feel guilty asking forgiveness again and again. Sigh..

Are you willing to wait 5 years?? I would stop having relations with him, not just for spiritual reasons but for physical reasons too. You don't want to end up being pregnant with a guy who may not be interested in getting married to you 5 years from now. There is lot to consider here.

Jan

 

[Hope_0004]

Are you willing to wait 5 years?? I would stop having relations with him, not just for spiritual reasons but for physical reasons too. You don't want to end up being pregnant with a guy who may not be interested in getting married to you 5 years from now. There is lot to consider here.

Jan

I agree with Jan - depending on how old you are (and I'm hoping you're at least 17 or 18 if you have such an active sex life), five years is a long time. Not that I advocate anyone getting married before they are ready. But is he just not ready to marry, or for the commitment to you in general? When people are serious about focusing almost exclusively on careers at early stages, relationships get pushed in to the background faster than anything else.

I'm not saying there's anything wrong with waiting, but it doesn't sound like it's what you want. Maybe your guilt isn't so much from the church thing but from your unsure stance on your r/s?

 

[JeremiahJ]

Well, whether it is right or not to have sex before marriage depends upon your view of the Bible. If you believe that it is the word of God, then you need to stop, now. If you believe it's inaccurate and not applicable to today's life, well, then you can do whatever you want. If the Bible is not the ultimate authority on right and wrong, then the ultimate authority is merely cultural standards of the time. If you do believe that the Bible is from God, then the best thing for you to do is to stop. God tells us to do, and to not do things for good reason. He doesn't say not to have sex before marriage because he wants to boss you around, keep something from you, or prevent you from having sexual pleasure. He says that premarital sex is wrong because He loves you deeply. He knows it is sin, and sin brings death. It may not seem like it all the time, but truly, His way is the way to life. He provides us with standards of living because He adores us... Jesus longs for us to have life to the full. I understand that it is hard not to, and it may create a rift between you and your boyfriend. Do you also understand that in choosing to have sex with him you are creating a divide between you and God? You are telling God that you don't trust Him... you don't trust that His way is the best way. Sex without marriage is wrong, and the core reason behind it being forbidden is that Jesus Christ Loves you. Any Christian who tells you otherwise, any Christian who says it's okay to have premarital sex for whatever reason, is looking at the situation from a perspective muddied by the philosophies of this world, and not one that is God-honoring.

I've got to go now, but if you want scripture to back up what I'm saying, just let me know and I'll point you to a number of verses that foundationalize my words.

 

[chrystie171]

I agree with Jan - depending on how old you are (and I'm hoping you're at least 17 or 18 if you have such an active sex life), five years is a long time. Not that I advocate anyone getting married before they are ready. But is he just not ready to marry, or for the commitment to you in general? When people are serious about focusing almost exclusively on careers at early stages, relationships get pushed in to the background faster than anything else.

I'm not saying there's anything wrong with waiting, but it doesn't sound like it's what you want. Maybe your guilt isn't so much from the church thing but from your unsure stance on your r/s?

Well from what i know now, am quite devastated about this relationship because he's not ready to get married, but am also happy and also being faithful to him. Usually i can get over with this, but now its like am having depression (i think), so many negative thinking but i still hope for the best in our relationship. I also fear he might break up with me. I guess its part of the relationship, even married couples have this problem. Sigh..

Am actually 27 years old this year, and he's 26. Am now living in fear of being alone, because i wont know what will happen in the future. But i have to face this.

He told me he's not ready in commitment, but he still wants to be with me, and now he's actually quite stressed up with his work because he is not happy with his job and he also looking for another job. He even told me that if he wants to get married, he wants the best for his wife, and that he doesnt want his wife to suffer too. Because he himself have not enough money, and that he have goals to reach.

 

[JeremiahJ]

In addition to what I previously said, which is more important, this guy is putting his goals before you. Oftentimes, not saying always or that it is true in this situation, saying that he wants what's best for his future wife is a way of saying that he does not want to be married to you, but wants to keep you around just in case. His career goals seems to have a hold on his life. His focus seems more on attaining them than loving you with all of himself. Also, it does not seem like God is the reason behind his pursuit of these goals. If that's the case, then this guy is going to bring you down spiritually. As a Christian, one needs to have the attitude that God is by far the most important thing. That's not an easy place to get to, but it is the mindset that we are to strive for. I understand the fear of being alone, and it's frightening, but you are never alone. Jesus is right there, waiting and wanting to be known and enjoyed. You can have perfect contentedness without marriage, without a boyfriend, with no one but God. He is the source of joy and life. Facing your fear of being alone with the understanding of God's presence and a determined devotion to the pursuit of knowing and becoming more like Him will make you into a stronger, happier person... and one more alive and in tune with the heart of God. I've seen similar situations do this to people a million times (myself included), when they maintain their ultimate focus on God and humbly allow Him to take over their lives. It's just better with Him.

You're in a tough spot. The advice I give is not easy, but it is not impossible either. Trusting God is so hard, especially with giving up members of the opposite sex for His sake, but He rewards those who love Him. I pray for the best for you.

 

[setzie]

I agree with JeremiahJ on that. Your boyfriend seems to have set a strong focus on his career which itself is not a bad thing. However I don't see the connection between a successful career and a marriage. Of course it is necessary that you can live on your own after you marry, but that wouldn't be the problem, would it?

This has nothing to do with the bible, but just imagine Romeo saying to Juliet "Oh, I would like to spend my life with you, but first I got to take care of my career."
Well, I know most people don't tend to believe in romance, but your boyfriend's view on marriage is too unemotional for me.

What about him? Is he a Christian?
If you marry him then will he be the only one who will have to work to earn money?

 

[mathias1979]

Well, he's not planning to marry because he's not capable and he's concentrating on his career first. And he plans to marry later, maybe 5 years time. Sigh.

Not capable of getting married? What do you mean? Financially or emotionally? If it's a financial thing, there are always ways to work around that and it should never stand in the way of marriage. If it's emotionally, well I'll just say that if he's been emotionally ready to have sex with you for the past 3 1/2 years, then he should be ready to get married...because from a religious standpoint, you shouldn't be having sex if you're not ready to be married or ready to deal with the possible consequences (i.e. children). My advice would be to do your best to remain chaste from this point on, until marriage. You can take that time to focus on other aspects of your relationship.

-Matt

 

[chrystie171]

Well, whether it is right or not to have sex before marriage depends upon your view of the Bible. If you believe that it is the word of God, then you need to stop, now. If you believe it's inaccurate and not applicable to today's life, well, then you can do whatever you want. If the Bible is not the ultimate authority on right and wrong, then the ultimate authority is merely cultural standards of the time. If you do believe that the Bible is from God, then the best thing for you to do is to stop. God tells us to do, and to not do things for good reason. He doesn't say not to have sex before marriage because he wants to boss you around, keep something from you, or prevent you from having sexual pleasure. He says that premarital sex is wrong because He loves you deeply. He knows it is sin, and sin brings death. It may not seem like it all the time, but truly, His way is the way to life. He provides us with standards of living because He adores us... Jesus longs for us to have life to the full. I understand that it is hard not to, and it may create a rift between you and your boyfriend. Do you also understand that in choosing to have sex with him you are creating a divide between you and God? You are telling God that you don't trust Him... you don't trust that His way is the best way. Sex without marriage is wrong, and the core reason behind it being forbidden is that Jesus Christ Loves you. Any Christian who tells you otherwise, any Christian who says it's okay to have premarital sex for whatever reason, is looking at the situation from a perspective muddied by the philosophies of this world, and not one that is God-honoring.

I've got to go now, but if you want scripture to back up what I'm saying, just let me know and I'll point you to a number of verses that foundationalize my words.

Well, you are right there. From what i read from the Bible, i guess sex before marriage is wrong. Its been a tough time for me, we broke up 3 times within this 2 months, but patch back again, because i cant get over it. I did talk to him that we can be together without sex, but because of my passion for it (since we've been doing that for so many years) we did it again.

I guess you are right, i really need time to go further away from him (if possible), if not both of us will get hurt again. Cause i'm not planning to tell him that (separate), but just slowly drift away...
sigh.....

 

[chrystie171]

I agree with JeremiahJ on that. Your boyfriend seems to have set a strong focus on his career which itself is not a bad thing. However I don't see the connection between a successful career and a marriage. Of course it is necessary that you can live on your own after you marry, but that wouldn't be the problem, would it?

This has nothing to do with the bible, but just imagine Romeo saying to Juliet "Oh, I would like to spend my life with you, but first I got to take care of my career."
Well, I know most people don't tend to believe in romance, but your boyfriend's view on marriage is too unemotional for me.

What about him? Is he a Christian?
If you marry him then will he be the only one who will have to work to earn money?

Yes, he is a Christian, and if i really do marry him, he wont be the only one to work to earn money. He wants his wife to be happy with him for eg have a nice house and a good career. He doesnt want his wife to be unhappy with him.

From what he thinks: he cant even settle his own problems and not enough money to get married.

Well, i guess i need to find another guy who's older than me and stable!! But i dont know why i keep attracted to younger looking guys..

 

[Steve J.]

Here is my story :-

I just started attending Church last 2 months and i know sex before marriage is a sin. And i've been baptised by holy spirit. Because i dont wanna go hell.
As the Bible says : You shall not commit adultery, no lust,
All this are sins. But is there anything wrong if i still have sex with my love one? Because me and my boyfriend have been together for 3 1/2 years, and after i join Church, i suddenly stop having sex with my boyfriend which is unusual for me and him, because i love making love with him. So whenever i see him, i will feel uncomfortable and so much of guilt in me, because i wanted to give in. But am struggling. And so i stressed myself up, till i need to go for medication because of my anxiety! I fear alot!

Please give advice. I dont know what to do. Even the temptation to touch and have sex with him, makes me feel uneasy already.

Christie,

A better reason to be Baptised is because you love the Lord. I think you do. Not going to hell is a great consequence!

You state plainly in your post that sex is wrong before marriage and then ask if there is anything wrong with still having sex with your loved one before marriage. You obviously know the answer. God's instruction on the issue is plainly written: it is not to be done. No one elses opinon matters. Not yours, not mine, and not those of others who have suggested it is "OK" to continue.

Life is always better when we obey God. I wish I always had.

I suggest you abstain from physical sex with your BF. That will be tough since you have been at it so long.

If you are both in love, this is a conversation you should be able to have with him. If he loves you, he would not want you to be torn between your faith and sexaul desire. He would support your decision to abstain.

If that is the choice you make (and I pray that it is) then you will soon find out if your BF really loves you or not.

I am proud of you no matter what choice you make.

God loves you. Jesus loves you. I love you, too.

 

[laura-ann]

Yes, he is a Christian, and if i really do marry him, he wont be the only one to work to earn money. He wants his wife to be happy with him for eg have a nice house and a good career. He doesnt want his wife to be unhappy with him.

From what he thinks: he cant even settle his own problems and not enough money to get married.

Well, i guess i need to find another guy who's older than me and stable!! But i dont know why i keep attracted to younger looking guys..

Have you told him that you dont need a nice house to get married? I know so many people who are married but are not well off financially, and I would say it definately makes them stronger. If you can be with someone and be happy when you are poor, things can only get better when you have one less thing to worry about (money) later on. Im saying a prayer for you because I know how you feel about the whole sex thing.

Hope this helps,
Laura

 

[Lucubratus]

From what he thinks: he cant even settle his own problems and not enough money to get married.

Well, i guess i need to find another guy who's older than me and stable!! But i dont know why i keep attracted to younger looking guys..

I'm going to cheat a little and say I agree with the other posters regarding your OP as it pertains to sex before marriage, and the abstaining from it since you're recent baptism, and move onward from a layman/practical viewpoint. ;-)

I don't know your b/f and I don't know you so I am not making an accusation only a guess - but sometimes people who aren't ready for commitments will use "I want your happiness" as an excuse not to commit to marriage along with other excuses like finances or careers.
Sometimes it is not an excuse, of course -- especially when the person knows he or she should not enter into a marriage until they are happy with themselves and know they should not rely on another person to "make them happy".
So your b/f is either being very responsible and rational to delay commitment, or he is just making up excuses and trusting on your own doubts and desire and thus hoping you will keep caving in.
Nevermind him at all in this regard, this is about YOU - it seems obvious to me that even without him around you are still tormenting yourself. Learn what you makes you happy, no one but you and your relationship with God is going to "make you happy" before you continue with your current b/f or if you decide to leave him, before you enter another relationship.
Doesn't matter the age either, I know some VERY unreliable and unstable dudes in their 30's who can't make up their mind if they want a true commitment or a "friends with benefits" from having pizza or burgers for dinner- lucky me abstaining from having sex with them showed me their true character.
Something else to keep in mind about the benefits of abstinence.
Even if this all means being alone. consider it as more time to know yourself better.
Don't be afraid to be "physically" alone - a great deal of that fear is society's pressure that there is something wrong with you if you are not married or a mommy by a certain age. There is nothing wrong with you in that regard and don't let people tell you otherwise!

By the way - um...please don't think of taking some kind of med because you are feeling depressed. Those things do more harm than good if all you are suffering from is "reactive depression" which is common for everybody. I don't mean just physically but many women have been medically blacklisted by doctor's and psychiatrists for taking antidepressants. Tread with caution there.

 

[Melody Joy]

I had sex before I was married and many of the experiences still haunt me to this day. Sometimes I feel like I'm suffering now because of what I've done in the past. I'm sorry I'm sure that post didn't help you much. Just know that your actions always have consequences (good or bad).

 

[AJ]

Well, whether it is right or not to have sex before marriage depends upon your view of the Bible. If you believe that it is the word of God, then you need to stop, now. If you believe it's inaccurate and not applicable to today's life, well, then you can do whatever you want. If the Bible is not the ultimate authority on right and wrong, then the ultimate authority is merely cultural standards of the time. If you do believe that the Bible is from God, then the best thing for you to do is to stop. God tells us to do, and to not do things for good reason. He doesn't say not to have sex before marriage because he wants to boss you around, keep something from you, or prevent you from having sexual pleasure. He says that premarital sex is wrong because He loves you deeply. He knows it is sin, and sin brings death. It may not seem like it all the time, but truly, His way is the way to life. He provides us with standards of living because He adores us... Jesus longs for us to have life to the full. I understand that it is hard not to, and it may create a rift between you and your boyfriend. Do you also understand that in choosing to have sex with him you are creating a divide between you and God? You are telling God that you don't trust Him... you don't trust that His way is the best way. Sex without marriage is wrong, and the core reason behind it being forbidden is that Jesus Christ Loves you. Any Christian who tells you otherwise, any Christian who says it's okay to have premarital sex for whatever reason, is looking at the situation from a perspective muddied by the philosophies of this world, and not one that is God-honoring.

I've got to go now, but if you want scripture to back up what I'm saying, just let me know and I'll point you to a number of verses that foundationalize my words.

AMEN! Well said

 

[setzie]

I had sex before I was married and many of the experiences still haunt me to this day. ....

Just being curious: how?