Doc's Chuckles

[thecountrydoc]

Doc's Chuckles

Today's Chuckles

1. Power Repair

2. Warned Again

------------------------------

Power Repair

Torrential rainstorms were knocking down power lines

all over the county one week. As a customer service

representative for our local power company, that meant I

was dispatching trucks and linemen to repair problems all

day and every night.

When I called back one customer to get her exact address,

she replied, "I'm at Post Office Box 99."

Weary from having been on the phone all week, I heard myself

say, "Ma'am, we'll be coming to you in a truck, not an envelope."

- from Mark's Musings

------------------------------

The only limit to our realization of tomorrow will be

our doubts of today. - Franklin Delano Roosevelt

------------------------------

Warned Again

On a long drive from Virginia, I thought I was traveling at

a reasonable speed, but the flashing blue lights in my rear-

view mirror made me realize that I'd been over the limit. I

handed the officer my license and made small talk while my

wife dug through the glove compartment for the registration.

"I'm usually very careful about my speed," I told him as my

wife handed me the paperwork.

The officer studied it and then gave it back. "Sir," he said

gruffly, "this is not your registration."

It was a warning ticket I had received for speeding in South

Carolina.

- from Clean Laughs

--------

YBIC,
Doc

 

[TrustAndObey]

Lol!!!

 

[thecountrydoc]

Kids Answer Questions About Mothers

Here's how several elementary school students answered the following questions about moms:

Why did God make mothers?

• She's the only one who knows where the Scotch tape is.
• Mostly to clean the house.
• To help us out of there when we were getting born.

How did God make mothers?

• He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
• Magic, plus superpowers and a lot of stirring.
• God made my mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.

What ingredients are mothers made of?

• God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world … and one dab of mean.
• They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.

Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?

• We're related.
• God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.

—Submitted by Peg Beukema, Nyack, New York
________________________________________________

YBIC,
Doc

 

[thecountrydoc]

Today's Chuckles

1. Halt

2. Children

------------------------------

Halt

When I got off the bus late one night at Camp Beauregard,

La., and was hurrying to my quarters, I was confronted by

a guard. "Halt! Who goes there?" he called out.

I gave my name, rank, serial number and Army unit, and

waited patiently for the command to advance and be recognized.

Finally I broke the silence with, "Aren't you supposed to say

something else?"

"Yes," the guard replied, "and don't you dare move until I think

of it."

- from "Humor In Uniform" by 1st Lt. Clarence E. Bird (Ret.)

------------------------------

Do your little bit of good where you are; it's those little

bits of good put together that overwhelm the world.

- Desmond Tutu

------------------------------

Children

The other night Kyle, 9, and and his mother were watching a

commercial about Father's Day. Christal asked Kyle, "When

you grow up, are you going to have children?"

He immediately replied, "Yep!"

Christal decided to have fun with him, so she added, "You know,

you have to kiss a girl to have children."

Kyle thought for a moment and then looked at his mother and

said very seriously, "I'll adopt." --

- from Christal (via Kidwarmers)

_______________________________________________________________

YBIC,
Doc

 

[honorthesabbath]

ROFL--good ones Doc.

 

[reddogs]

The philosphy of toys.......this ought to bring a chuckle

Capitalism - He who dies with the most toys, wins.
Hari Krishna - He who plays with the most toys, wins.
Judaism - He who buys toys at the lowest price, wins.
Catholicism - He who denies himself the most toys, wins.
Anglican - They were our toys first.
Greek Orthodox - No, they were OURS first.
Branch Davidians - He who dies playing with the biggest toys, wins.
Mormonism - Every boy may have as many toys as he wants.
Church of Christ - He whose toys make music, loses.
Amish - Toys with batteries are surely a sin.
Baptist - Once played always played.
Church of Christ, Scientist - We are the toys.
Jehovah's Witnesses - He who "places" the most toys door-to-door, wins.
Pentecostalism - He whose toys can talk, wins.
Non-denominationalism - Does it really matter where the toys came from?
Communism - Everyone gets the same number of toys.
Confucianism - Once a toy is dipped in water, it is no longer dry.
Voodoo - Let me borrow that doll for a second...
Hedonsim - Hang the rule book! Let's play!
Atheism - There is no toy maker.
Polytheism - There are many toy makers.
Evolutionism - The toys made themselves.
Existentialism - Toys are a figment of your imagination.
Baha'i - All toys are just fine with us.
Taoism - The doll is as important as the dumptruck.

....The philosphy of toys, Daniel Davis Daniel.Davis@nashville.com

 

[thecountrydoc]

Passing Time in Church

My young son asked what the highest number I had ever counted to was. I didn't know, but I asked about his highest number. It was 5,372.

"Oh," I said. "Why did you stop there?"

"Church was over."

—Joanne Weil, as told by Mike and Amy Nappa, Bore No More! (Group Publishing), p. 7; submitted by Clark Pfaff, Granby, Connecticut
________________________________________________________________

YBIC,
Doc

 

[reddogs]

A minister walked into a barber shop in Washington, D.C. After he got his haircut, he asked how much it would be. The barber said, "No charge. I consider it a service to the good work you do."

The next morning, the barber came to work and there were 12 religious books and a thank you note from the minister in front of the door.

Later that day, a police officer came in and got his hair cut. He then asked how much it was. The barber said, "No charge. I consider it a service to the community."

The next morning, he came to work and there were a dozen donuts and a thank you note from the police officer.

Then, a Senator came in and got a haircut. When he was done he asked how much it was. The barber said, "No charge. I consider it a service to the country."

The next morning, the barber came to work and there were 12 Senators in front of the door.

 

[honorthesabbath]

"Next."
"Good morning. We want to apply for a marriage license."
"Names?"
"Tim and Jim Jones."
"Jones? Are you related? I see a resemblance."
"Yes, we're brothers."
"Brothers? You can't get married."
"Why not? Aren't you giving marriage licenses to same gender couples?"
"Yes, thousands. But we haven't had any siblings. That's incest!"
"Incest?" No, we are not gay."
"Not gay? Then why do you want to get married?"
"For the financial benefits, of course. And we do love each other .Besides, we don't have any other prospects."
"But we're issuing marriage licenses to gay and lesbian couples who've been denied equal protection under the law. If you are not gay you can get married to a woman.
"Wait a minute. A gay man has the same right to marry a woman as I have. But just because I'm straight doesn't mean I want to marry a woman. I want to marry Jim."
"And I want to marry Tim, Are you going to discriminate against us just because we are not gay?"
"All right, all right. I'll give you your license.

Next."
"Hi. We are here to get married."
"Names?"
"John Smith, Jane James, Robert Green, and June Johnson."
"Who wants to marry whom?"
"We all want to marry each other."
"But there are four of you!"
That's right. You see, we're all bisexual. I love Jane and Robert,
Jane loves me and June , June loves Robert and Jane, and Robert loves
June and me. All of us getting married together is the only way that
we can express our sexual preferences in a marital relationship."
"But we've only been granting licenses to gay and lesbian couples."
"So you're discriminating against bisexuals!"
"No, it's just that, well, the traditional idea of marriage is that it's just for couples."
"Since when are you standing on tradition?"
"Well, I mean, you have to draw the line somewhere."
"Who says? There's no logical reason to limit marriage to couples. The
more the better. Besides, we demand our rights! The mayor says the
constitution guarantees equal protection under the law. Give us a
marriage license!"
"All right, all right.

Next."
"Hello, I'd like a marriage license."
"In what names?
"David Deets."
"And the other man?"
"That's all. I want to marry myself."
"Marry yourself? What do you mean?"
"Well, my psychiatrist says I have a dual personality, so I want to
marry the two together. Maybe I can file a joint income-tax return."

"That does it! I quit!! You people are making a mockery of marriage!!"

 

[TrustAndObey]

Wow Honor, that one went way past a "chuckle" and straight to the meat of a very controversial subject.

I loved it.

Bravo!

 

[TrustAndObey]

PS...if they ever do make it legal to marry ourselves I'm going to start courting the greatest person I know...MYSELF.

LOL!!!

I'm a pretty good wife. One that I wouldn't mind having myself.

(I crack myself up...which is another wonderful marriage quality about me).

 

[thecountrydoc]

Today's Chuckles

1. You Know It's Time to Diet When:

2. Hair

------------------------------

You Know It's Time to Diet When:

You dance and it makes the band skip.

You are diagnosed with the flesh-eating virus,

and the doctor gives you 22 more years to live.

You put mayonnaise on an aspirin.

You go to the zoo and the elephants throw you peanuts.

Your driver's license says, "Picture continued on other side."

You ran away and they had to use all four sides of the

milk carton for your picture.

You learn you were born with a silver shovel in your mouth.

Your graduation picture was an aerial photograph.

Your belly button doesn't have lint---it has sweaters.

Your cereal bowl comes with a lifeguard.

You could sell shade.

Your blood type is Prego.

You get on the end of a see-saw and launch

your kid into outer space.

Your neighbors complain when you hang your clothes

out to dry because they lose three hours of sunlight.

The ticket lady at Sea World tells you you're on

in five minutes.

Your beeper goes off and someone says,

"Look out! It's backing up!"

------------------------------

True friendship is like sound health; the value of it is

seldom known until it be lost. - Charles Caleb Colton

------------------------------

Hair

A six-year-old comes crying to his mother because

his little sister pulled his hair.

"Don't be angry," the mother says, "Your little sister

doesn't realize that pulling hair hurts."

A short while later, there's more crying, and the mother

goes to investigate. This time the sister is bawling and

her brother says, "Now she knows."

- from Rebecca

--------

Your brother in Christ,
Doc

 

[thecountrydoc]

Today's Chuckles

1. Wet Face

2. Ladder

------------------------------

Wet Face

Stationed in Hawaii, our Army unit held a week-long

training exercise on land leased from a farmer. When

our battalion executive officer fell into an exhausted

sleep in his truck next to the guard post, one of the

farmer's cows stuck its head into the vehicle and

sloppily nuzzled the sleeping major. He awoke a few

moments later and, in a screaming tirade, accused the

guard on duty of pouring water on him. Defending

himself, the private said he saw a cow stroll by.

"Do you expect me to believe," screeched the major,

"that some cow licked me?!"

"Well, sir," replied the guard, "I'm sure he didn't know you

were a major."

- from "Humor In Uniform" by Todd R. Calderwood

------------------------------

Create the kind of self you will be happy

to live with all your life.- Foster C. McClellan

------------------------------

Ladder

My next-door neighbor and I frequently borrow things from

each other. Not long ago, when I requested his ladder, he

told me he had lent it to his son.

Recalling a saying my grandmother used to repeat, I recited,

"You should never lend anything to your kids, because you

will never get it back."

With that, he responded, "Tell you the truth, it's not even my

ladder. It's my dad's."

- from Pulpit Supply
_____________________________________________________

Your brother in Christ,
Doc

 

[thecountrydoc]

Subject: Science Test

Hope you will like it...

If you need a good laugh, try reading through these children's science
exam answers.....

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large
pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q : How can you delay milk turning sour? (Brilliant, love this!)
A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends
to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and
nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs. ( Think about this
one...ster=stair duh lol )

Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? ( e.g., abdomen)
A: The body is consisted into three parts -- the brainium, the borax and
the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains
the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels A,
E, I, O, and U.

Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.

Q: What does 'varicose' mean? ( I do love this one... )
A: Nearby.

Q: Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarian Section.'
A: The Caesarian Section is a district in Rome

Q: What does the word 'benign' mean?'
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight



Score: 100
( Did you really expect these kids to flunk?? ) hahaha

_____________________________________________________________

Your brother in Christ,
Doc

 

[honorthesabbath]

Snow White & The Seven Dwarfs
The seven dwarfs always left to go work in the mine early each morning. As always, Snow White stayed home doing her domestic chores.

As lunchtime approached, she would prepare their lunch and carry
it to the mine.

One day as she arrived at the mine with the lunch, she saw that there had been a terrible cave-in.
Tearfully, and fearing the worst, Snow White began calling out, hoping against hope that the dwarfs had somehow survived.
'Hello!...Hello!' she shouted. 'Can anyone hear me? Hello!'
For a long while, there was no answer.
Losing hope, Snow White again shouted,
'Hello! Is anyone down there?'

Just as she was about to give up all hope, she heard a faint voice from deep within the mine, singing . ... 'Vote for Barack Obama! - Vote for Barack Obama!'

Snow White fell to her knees, crossed herself and prayed,
[FONT=&quot]'Oh, thank you, God! At least Dopey is still alive...

[/FONT]

 

[thecountrydoc]

Today's Chuckles

1. Parable

2. Scavenger Hunt

------------------------------

Parable

When the preacher approached the young boy who was fishing

in the park pond, he said, "Do you know the parables?"

"Yes Sir!!" the Lad quickly replied.

"Which do you like the best?"

The boy looked up, and said with a big grin,

"The one where everybody loafs and fishes!"

------------------------------

The three great essentials to achieve anything worth while are,

first, hard work; second, stick-to-itiveness; third, common sense.

- Thomas Edison

------------------------------

Scavenger Hunt

A man answered his front door and found a

little boy standing there holding a list.

"Mister," he explained, "I'm on a scavenger hunt,

and I still need three grains of wheat, a pork-chop bone

and a piece of used carbon paper to earn a dollar."

"Wow," the man replied. "Who sent you on such a

challenging scavenger hunt?"

To which the little boy replied,

"My babysitter's boyfriend."

- from Ann F.

 

[thecountrydoc]

Today's Chuckles

1. Starts with F

2. Psychic Hotline

------------------------------

Starts with F

Determined to have one last, lazy day of fishing before summer's

end, I purposely ignored the leaky faucet and the broken gate --

household projects that had awaited me all summer.

When my wife asked, "What are you going to do today?"

I grinned and answered, "It starts with F and ends with ISH."

"Oh, good," she replied. "You're finally going to FinISH up

those projects."

- from "Life In These United States" by Mike Mayberry

------------------------------

Great works are performed not by strength but

by perseverance. - Samuel Johnson

------------------------------

Psychic Hotline

A frog telephones a psychic hotline and is told,

"You are going to meet a beautiful young girl

who will want to know everything about you."

"Great," says the frog,

"Will I meet her at a party?"

"No," said the psychic,

"Next year - in biology class."

- from Ann F.


YBIC,
Doc

 

[thecountrydoc]

You're Suburban If . . . .

Your lawn mower is more powerful than your first car.

Your kids have never crossed the street at a stoplight.

You have the luxury of a two-car garage, but the cars don't fit in it. —Cathy Polacek

You built a shed to house your Christmas decorations. —Cathy Polacek

Your commute is twice as long as what you tell people it is. —Harriet Russo

You pick your dog's haircut out of a magazine. —Jessica Cadwalleader

You drive your van a block to get milk.

You always return your grocery cart to the cart rack.

You have no idea if your town has a public bus service.

Your most recent night out was a parent/teacher conference.

You sometimes refer to summer as "garage sale season." —Angela Ferina

Your mortgage could balance the national debt in a third-world country.

You have ADT, a rottweiller, and motion-detector lights, but no curtains on your window.

You jog five miles a day but spend 30 minutes waiting for a closer parking space at the mall.
​

—You're So Suburban If … ," Suburban Focus (April 2002), pp. 6–8, 15, 26, 28
_______________________________________________________________

YBIC,
Doc

 

[honorthesabbath]

The Fern and the Bamboo

One day a man decided to quit...I quit my job, my relationship, my spirituality.... I wanted to quit my life. I went to the woods to have one last talk with God.

"God", I said. "Can you give me one good reason not to quit?"

His answer surprised me.
"Look around", He said. "Do you see the fern and the bamboo?"

"Yes", I replied.
"When I planted the fern and the bamboo seeds, I took very good care of them. I gave them light. I gave them water. The fern quickly grew from the earth. Its brilliant green covered the floor. Yet nothing came from the bamboo seed. But I did not quit on the bamboo.

In the second year the fern grew more vibrant and plentiful. And again, nothing came from the bamboo seed. But I did not quit on the bamboo.

"In year three there was still nothing from the bamboo seed. But I would not quit. The same in year four.

"Then in the fifth year, a tiny sprout emerged from the earth. Compared to the fern, it was seemingly small and insignificant.

But just six months later, the bamboo rose to over 100 feet tall. It had spent the five years growing roots. Those roots made it strong and gave it what it needed to survive. I would not give any of my creations a challenge it could not handle.

" Di d you know, my child, that all this time you have been struggling, you have actually been growing roots? I would not quit on the bamboo. I will never quit on you.

"Don't compare yourself to others." He said. "The bamboo had a different purpose than the fern. Yet they both make the forest beautiful.

"Your time will come", God said to me. "You will rise high"

"How high should I rise?" I asked.

"How high will the bamboo rise?" He asked in return.

"As high as it can?" I questioned

"Yes." He said, "Give me glory by rising as high as you can."

I left the forest, realizing that God will never give up on me. And He will never give up on you.
Never regret a day in your life.

Good days give you happiness; bad days give you experiences; both are essential to life.

--Author Unknown