Do you pretend...

[Epoh99]

To like a kid when the parent is around? At work this single mom has her preschooler dropped off at work every single day. He thinks he has the run of the building and goes around yelling and saying hi to people. He is smart and you could actually talk to him. However, I have no desire to even look at him. He goes past my desk every day and I ignore him. Most others make over him but I don't even acknowledge he's there.

I always wonder if I should pretend and fake interest? I personally don't like him coming in because I think it's inappropriate and distracting to those of us who actually work (his mom is a horrible employee, in my opinion).

Before any parents reading this think I'm so horrible, I did pay attention to him my first day on the job. I said hi to him and his mom was making him say hi to me. Then his mom said, "Show Epoh99 how you say hi." So this kid comes up to me super close and put his arm out so I thought he wanted a hug. I didn't want to hug him but I did. Everyone laughed at me and his mom said, "No, he doesn't want a hug." And the kid's arm is still out so I said, "Oh, do you want to shake my hand?" And I shook his hand. Everyone laughed at me again (there were like 4 co-workers standing around us watching and this was my first day at my new job) and his mom finally said to me, "Stick your hand out." So I stick my hand out, he takes it, and he kisses it. The whole thing really embarrassed me and bugged me as I had no interest in even talking to the kid in the first place.

So back to my question... Should I pretend to want to see the kid? Act like I'm happy he's there? Or is it OK to go on ignoring him every day. He ignores me too so it's not as if he's trying to say hi to me or get my attention. What do you guys do in similar situations?

 

[mina]

I don't think you have to do anything different. If you don't want to fawn all over him or even say hi to him, you don't have to. It's not like you are being unkind or ugly to him in anyway. In my opinion an office is not a place for a child to run around- maybe once in a blue moon i could understand (things happen), but everyday? I had to go to my dad's office with my brothers a few times, we were all under 10, but we were not allowed to run around or bother people. My dad always told us he was proud of us, that we could act the right way. I work in a school and i'm around kids everyday. My niece often comes home with me so she has to wait after school with me until i can leave. She's not allowed to run around the school either or wander around or bother other teachers. I guess i've told her of my expectiations and she understands- communication. I also have things for her to do. Like i said before, I dont ' think you have to do anything differently for this kid. You are there to do your job. I agree with you that it's inappropriate. I think it's unprofessional. If she must have him there, then she needs to be watching him at all times.

 

[Rebekka]

I think you're doing just fine, Epoh. You both ignore each other and that's what makes you both happiest. Children can sense when a grownup isn't interested - and unlike cats (who can sense this, too), they tend to leave that particular grownup alone. At least that's my experience.

I must admit that I do pretend to like some kids when the parents are around (not that I beat the kids up when the parents are NOT around! LOL. But somehow, the kids aren't ever around me without the parents being there). It depends on who the parent is, though. I don't think you have an obligation to like a colleague's kid who shouldn't be at the workplace in the first place.

My sister-in-law (sister of my husband) has two girls and my brother has a boy and a girl. None of them are particularly cute or sweet, although the youngest has a cute age (8 months - I like babies, for short periods of time). I don't play much with them, but I do play with them when I see them - just enough to not be impolite. My SIL and brother don't know yet that we are childfree. It's hard to tell your relatives if they have young children themselves - I'm afraid they will be insulted. ("don't you like MY kids then? How can you not want children when you have seen mine?")

Still, I try not to overdo it. I will not really fake enthusiasm - sometimes they really are sweet, and then my enthusiasm is genuine, and in all other cases my enthusiasm doesn't last longer than 5 minutes, and then I go on with my adult conversation.

 

[Amélie Unbound]

I don't think you're doing anything wrong in ignoring him, Epoh99. I'd do the same thing. I never have any idea what to say to kids, so I tend not to say anything to them unless they say something to me first.

 

[bluebug83]

I will also say that your "faux pas" with trying to give the kid a hug/handshake sounds like exactly like something I would do If you're clueless, I think it's OK to ask the mom what the kid is expecting; I've done this before.

I can't say I pretend to like kids when their parents are present; to me that feels really "fake" and I don't really like hiding who I am. My one friend who has a kid I think knows that I'm not that fond of kids in general, including hers. But I do think it is important to be polite around other people's kids - not to get on the parents' good side or to fit in with everyone else, but to acknowledge the kid just as you would any other (grown-up) person. You don't have to gush over the kid or seek out a reaction (as with grown-ups, you only do this with people you're interested in interacting with), but I think it is good to respond when the kid seeks a response. It doesn't have to be anything really involved, just whatever seems polite and comes naturally. Sometimes, when I'm around my friend's kid, I'll imitate what he's doing (because it's kind of amusing and something simple that I know how to do) and he sometimes gets a kick out of it. Or I'll wave at him if he's giving me a curious look. Very simple/dumb things, since I have no kid-skills. And I don't do them often, only if I feel like he's seeking a response from me, or I feel like doing it on my own.

Him ignoring you is a good thing, because then you're not really obliged to interact with him since he's not seeking out an interaction with you (this is the same as if we were talking about an adult). I agree with Rebekka that he probably senses that you don't care much about interacting with him, thus why he doesn't seek you out.

 

[JustBeachy]

Lurking parent here. I think the whole, "Show her how you say hi!" thing is a bit like parading a dog out and making it do a trick...except she was making you participate in the show. Not cool. Granted, she (like almost all parents) probably thinks that that's the cutest, most clever little thing ever...but that's no reason to put you on the spot like that. I am madly in love with my daughter and am pleased and flattered when people pay special attention to her or compliment her, but I don't notice if people just...don't notice her. No big deal. Nothing wrong with being friendly and polite, but it sounds like you're doing fine. It would be one thing if he was stopping and trying to talk to you and you acted like he wasn't there, but he's just running by...so no reason for you to go out of your way to interact with him.

Anyway...just because a parent thinks their child is fantastic doesn't mean he or she needs to be paraded about at the office all the time. Just my two cents!

 

[Epoh99]

All of you have really made me feel so much better. It's nice to know the other childfrees do the same thing (I was afraid I was turning into some mean childfree old lady ). It also helped a lot to have a parent's advice. And I love how justbeachy541 put it... like the parent is parading the child around to do a trick. That is so true! Last week his mom was saying, "Show them how mommy dances." I guess he impersonates how his mom dances. He just ran down the hall when she kept asking him.

Alright, I'll keep ignoring little Walsh as long as he keeps ignoring me.

Oh, and the past couple of days he's been riding his little scooter around and everyone has been going on and on about how cute it is. And he's been wearing sunglasses so they talk about how he's a model. It annoys me because I am TRYING to work. But that's a sidenote and something I needed to briefly vent about.

 

[mina]

What does your boss say about all this????lol

 

[snoochface]

What does your boss say about all this????lol

LOL, I'd like to know that too! A little kid riding a scooter around every day? Yeah, it's a good thing I'm not boss in that office

Anyway, Epoh I think you are doing just fine. I also think they could have picked a better time (and manner) to show you how the kid says hello than to laugh at your attempts to play along on your first day.

I don't pretend to like a kid, necessarily, but I'll be kind and respectful until the point that I feel in my personal opinion that the kid has overstepped his bounds. I'll always say hello to a child when I say hello to their parents, I'll smile at them, and if they speak to me I will be kind to them in my response.

But I won't go out of my way to pay special attention to them, and I don't initiate the conversation. And - getting back to my overstepping the bounds point - I don't usually hide my irritation when a kid starts acting up or being disrespectful.

Whenever to went to my friend's house (we don't go over anymore because of this), her two bratty boys would yell and scream and run around our legs and pull things and throw things and just act horribly. My friend was constantly yelling at them, or sending them to their room, where they'd stay for all of 20 seconds before getting right back to yelling and being disruptive again. I never made much of a secret of how annoying I found them, and I even suggested (jokingly, parents, jokingly!!!) that she might consider a good dose of NyQuil a few minutes before her guests arrived.

 

[LJSGM]

Lets say it was acceptable to bring your son to work just for a few minutes, would you like people to ignore your son, or would it bring you joy to see others liking your son and helping him out be social?
Matthew 7:12

do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets.

 

[snoochface]

Lets say it was acceptable to bring your son to work just for a few minutes, would you like people to ignore your son, or would it bring you joy to see others liking your son and helping him out be social?
Matthew 7:12

do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets.

Exodus 20:16
"You shall not give false testimony against your neighbor."

I'm not going to lie and pretend to like a child who is uncontrolled, disruptive to the work I am paid and obligated to perform, and unlikeable.

 

[Epoh99]

Alright, to answer some questions...
Mina and Snooch, my manager is way too easy going. He is not confrontational at all, poor guy. But I have noticed he leaves for the day every time Walsh comes.

LJSGM, The childfree here are the nicest and most accepting that I've found on the sections of this site that I browse. None of them would ever be mean to a child or treat a child badly.

 

[Keelie]

<edit>

Epoh, I think there are two reasons why this situation is getting to you.

1) I find it extremely trying to be forced to admire a child. If a connection is going to happen, it should happen naturally. If someone thrust an adult at you, and said, "Here is my friend - you must adore them!" no one would care for it. Children are little people. Some are endearing, others are not. I remember my mother saying that there was nothing she hated any more than being expected to find a child entertaining/clever/beautiful, etc. I was taught that it was in bad taste, and it probably would turn people against the child (even people who love children and have their own).

2) Work is work. Most of my work life, I've worked under managers that don't allow children (for precisely the reasons Epoh outlined). When they were allowed, it was understood that they would be quiet and unobstrusive. Parents wanted this policy just as much as non-parents.

So, I think your reaction is entirely reasonable. I'd ignore the child if I was working, and fake interest if it was social. I believe that these demands for attention aren't good for the child, they are uncomfortable for the adults, and disruptive of the work place.

Keelie

 

[JulySheMustFly]

<edit>

I would have no problem ignoring the child. Myself I'd probably say "hi." and leave it at that. I'm a task focused person so I get distracted when the person in the cubicle over wants to talk all the time.

FWIW - I did bring my children into the office on occasion when I worked outside the home. But, I made certain they had quiet activities to do AND expected them to stay in my office unless invited by someone else to their office to play a computer game or help them pack something. My children were all 3 yo or younger when I'd bring them in and they were perfectly capable of playing quietly for the time they were there.

I felt no love lost if Jane didn't want to talk with my daughters and most certainly didn't expect my children to do any kid of show of their "tricks" for people. That peeves me. They are children not dogs.

 

[Robinsegg]

As a parent, I would have no problem with you ignoring my child. First, I don't take my children to hubby's work very often, because they're a distraction (well behaved or not, hubby works at a store).
I also have high expectations of my children in public (ie they are polite and friendly, but don't get in people's way/interupt, etc.).
Also, if you had a problem with my child's behavior that I hadn't picked up on, I'd appreciate a gentle "hey, have you noticed this" so I could work on the situation.

I hope this helps!
Rachel

 

[Linnis]

I'm a parent and I don't expect someone to like my child. I would much prefer someone to ignore him than have an attitude like some choose to have towards kids.

 

[sparassidae]

Another parent agreeing

I admit I have done the "show us (latest trick)" but only in another group of mothers who I know would appreciate it, or grandparents. I would never do that sort of thing in a work situation (not that I would take my child to an office every day).

I think you've been acting really appropriately. If you worked in a store and you ignored a child customer, that's another matter.-----> would it bring you joy to see others liking your son and helping him out be social?

In an office you're not expected to socialise children.

 

[KittyCatCurledUp]

Admittedly, sometimes I will fake it, because hey, sometimes, I force people to admire my cat, too. Oh yes, I am armed with baby pictures and will use them on occassion.

If the child is ignoring you, then I don't see why you have to go out of your way to engage him if he is uninterested anyway. (One of my pet peeves is when a kid is too interested, and climbing all over you, but the parent thinks it's funny and won't stop him even though you are obviously uncomfortable.) Plus, in a work setting, you shouldn't be expected to take too much time out of your schedule, because you do have tasks that must be completed. I don't mind saying hi or giving a wave, or having a little conversation.

Regarding the handshaking debacle -- I get that all the time, and it is very embarrassing. Once I was at my aunt's house soon after she had a baby, and everyone said: "Aw don't you want to hold the baby, of *course* you do!" Apparently I was holding him wrong somehow and everyone thought this was intensely amusing. It actually makes me feel bad, since I am acutely aware of my awkwardness around kids amid family who lives for them. Which is great, but don't make fun just because I am not a natural. *end rant*

 

[ranyhyn]

Closing for staff review...

 

[Robinsegg]

Reopening, after staff review and clean-up. While posting, please remember this rule

2.8 No Off-Topic

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