Do you mind?

[Sascha Fitzpatrick]

Hmm... I'll preface this by saying BE HONEST - I will not be hurt by the responses...

Sometimes I find threads in here that really pull at my heart strings, and sometimes I answer them, but I always have about 15 seconds of 'should I' before I do anything. That's because I'm unmarried still, but a lot of things discussed in here are things that my bf and I are going through, and have been resolving (the threads about v-day and differences in showing love are ones that are resonating quite strongly with me at this point).

Do you get frustrated if an unmarried person comes in to contribute to posts? I understand that there is some kind of 'divide' between those who are unmarried, and those who are (it's hard to say, but it's true, isn't it?), but sometimes I find things that people in here go through, that I've experienced, and resolved pre-marriage, and I'd like to contribute.

Maybe because I'm somewhat different to other unmarried women. I lived with my bf for 2 years before we got into our relationship (I've since moved out), and due to the state of our relationship, there were things that needed to be resolved BEFORE either of us agreed to dating, that some people only resolve AFTER a marriage. I find, that because of those two things, I often find a better 'bond' with those who are married on this forum, than those who are just dating - I feel kinda 'in the middle' - a bit beyond the regular 'daters' in the forum, and a bit below the 'marrieds' in the forum. I guess I don't seem to fit, and I feel more in understanding with the marrieds, than the unmarrieds.

Sorry for rambling, I guess I just want to know if you guys feel 'weird' about an unmarried person contributing to posts, and would prefer it if, say I was to find a thread that resonated with me, I posted it in the courting couples threads. Or, if you didn't have a problem.

Thanks! And please be honest!

Sasch

 

[GaelSong]

I think it's great you want to contribute. I sometimes post in forums that don't match my circumstances.

 

[LegacyOfLove]

Sascha, I think it is also wonderful that you jump in and offer your opinions and suggestions when you feel led to do so. I think a lot of the questions posed even in the marriage forums would apply to many situations, not just within the confines of a marriage. On the other hand, there will sometimes be obvious situations that apply almost exclusively to only people who are married. Does that mean even then you have nothing worth contributing? Not at all! Just the same is true for those of us who are married. I have popped in to some of the other areas of the forums where its for dating or singles...and I have thought to myself...hey! I may be married now...but I wasn't always...and maybe some of my perspectives may be useful to them.

So...I think if you have something you feel led to contribute, then you should. The fact that you are not yet married in no way nullifies your opinions or life experiences which may be of help to someone else. So keep on posting. I personally love reading your posts and find a great many of them to be very caring and applicable to the post(s) at hand.

 

[2lplvr]

I think you have relationship experience that could be very beneficial to someone in a new marriage or engaged. You usually preface your posts that you are not married so people can decide for themselves if what you say applies to them.
I appreciate your posts

 

[E_Powers]

i think it is great that you come in here to learn and to teach that is the spirit of these forums other then to praise god.

 

[Cordy]

Honestly, I do mind sometimes. It is not the fact that people who are not married come in here and post, but I get kind of frustrated the odd time an unmarried person comes in here and starts preaching and giving advice on how to fix certain issues, especially if the issues are ones that one wouldn’t be able to understand until married.

Please don’t get me wrong; most of the time I think it is cool that unmarried people come visit this board, and post with the rest of us. I just find that before getting married, people sometimes have great ideals about what marriage is like and should be, and when people who are actually married don’t fit those ideals, they start to preach at them as though they know better than those who are actually married. That kind of stuff does bother me. They don’t know from practical experience how the reality of marriage often clashes with ideals. It can be like high school students telling those in college how to get through their degree. Do you know what I mean?

Having said that, most people don’t do that here. And I think it is very cool and actually important that unmarried people fellowship with those who are married. I loved hanging out with married people when I was single, to hear about their experiences etc., and throw my ideas off of them. And I am glad people can do so in the forum and have those discussions.

 

[MERCY@GRACE]

If the advice is led by the holy spirit and is biblical my ears are open. If the advice comes in the form of self-righteousness, and an, I "KNOW it all" attitude, ppl will less likely listen. It's the same w/ parenting- most ppl won't give you their undivided attn, when it comes to child rearing advice if you don't have any! Experience sometimes takes you further than head/book knowledge!


I don't see a prob w/ you posting here, I don't detect a self righteous tude from you

 

[Sascha Fitzpatrick]

Thanks for your responses girls... and I've taken them all on board.

I completely understand where you're coming from, Mbams, with the 'know it all' attitudes I see sometimes. Who's to say that opinion on how things work with one couple, is going to work across the board? I do try really hard to come across with a 'this is how B and I resolved things, maybe it could work in this instance' attitude, rather than 'this is the ONLY way to do things, and if you do it any other way you're DOOOOOOOOOMED!'

I had a think, and maybe it's also to do with the age group? I find a lot of the CCs and Engaged's are all around 18 or so, and so are dealing with things like school, moving out of home, etc - when I finished school something like 7 years ago, and have been moved out of home for around 3 years or so. I find I'm more 'like-minded' and in the same kind of 'life situations' as a lot of the women in here, solely because we are all around the same age. Not sure, just a thought.

I really appreciate all of you responding. I don't want to be hassling anyone, when I come in here, and I hope and pray that I never come across like 'I know better than you'. Most of ANY advice I give will more often than not come from first-hand experience of a similar issue, or a suggestion to read a book (like Boundaries, or Five Love Languages, for example).

I guess I just feel 'in between' - too old and experienced for the 'courting couples' and no exact experience like the marrieds in here (although sometimes I feel like I have, what with a lot coming in and sharing hassles with learning how to share a house, for example). I tend to find myself giving advice more than 'peer relating' with the courtings, and more 'snoopy' in here (if that makes sense).

But thank you for welcoming me, and assuring me that I'm not coming across as 'holier than thou'. Jesus knows I'm not!

God bless you, and please - if you EVER feel I'm outta line in here - send me a PM!

Sasch

 

[okiemommy26]

Im with Mbams.

 

[Singin4Him]

Im with Mbams.

Ditto that for me too!

 

[Southern Cross]

I'm with Mbams, too. It's clear you are here to learn and contribute, and you are never presumptuous. Don't worry about it if you are not married. You've brought some really good stuff to the table.

Now, some 21 year old guy who just got married and has "counseling experience" trying to tell me what it takes to fix my marriage... oh please. Talk to me after you've been married 10 or 15 years! BTW - not referring to anyone specific!

Once in a while someone who is unmarried - or newly married - says something brilliant and it really hits home. So I pay attention to them, and just gloss over the stuff that annoys me. I'm sure I'm pretty successful at annoying other people from time to time!

 

[If Not For Grace]

Honestly, I do mind sometimes. It is not the fact that people who are not married come in here and post, but I get kind of frustrated the odd time an unmarried person comes in here and starts preaching and giving advice on how to fix certain issues, especially if the issues are ones that one wouldn’t be able to understand until married.


SHAME ON YOU. That's what opinions are for. (There's a big X up there and a fast scroll bar to the side, if you don't want to read a post from someone, or find their view distasteful.

As Christians, our problems and how we solve them may be a teaching tool or guide for someone else. Also I WELCOME input from those different from me especially on "self-help" type threads. I mean I already know what I would/have do/done. OFTEN what I need is a fresh perspective.

I say Singles/Divorced/Widowed read and comment freely. JMHO.

 

[searle29678]

I find that a lot of people I know that are single can find insight into my married issues that I normally wouldn't see. A lot of times I can be really frustrated and my single friends will remind me "Hey, you are in for the long haul, do you really think you will find this argument worth it in twenty years?"

 

[lady_of_god]

I don't mind you posting Sascha,

...maybe because i'm unmarried too lol.

I enjoy reading our married members' postings. I only answer post if i felt led in the Spirit and have something valuable to offer... but i do that in all boards.

I totally agree with mbams about "It can be like high school students telling those in college how to get through their degree"... thats true, and happens often. I know there are certain things beyond my scope so i won't even attempt to answer because i couldn't possibly empathize (although i would like to think so lol).

I'm praying that the Lord will bless me with another opportunity to commit to a man I believe is my soulmate. If so, i think i could go onto to be a christian marriage and family counselor... I know i couldn't do that sort of job unless i actually had the ring. It looks good on paper that i would be a counselor, but not to patients who are needing martial guidance. Experience is important...


So Sascha, we are in the same boat when it comes to the boards (we love to give advice )... just know your boundaries and realize that eventhough you may feel you could empathize with them, there maybe things lacking.


be blessed!

-Lady

 

[Yitzchak]

I think that anyone can post and contribute valuable insights whether married or not. The catagory is marriage, so it would be weird if someone posted on something which had nothing to do with marriage. But as long as the post is something to do with the general subject. My opinion is go ahead and post away.

 

[mamaneenie]

I'm not too worried about it. If someone gives me advice that I don't necessarily agree with, I just tend to smile and say thank you and move on. So long as the attitude behind it is right, then it's fine with me.

 

[Saint2be27]

I welcome unmarried posters to post. It's a give/take I think.

We are all here to learn and share. I know I wish I would have been more aware of some of this married stuff before I actually got married, would have saved me and my husband some heartache by teaching me how to act or prevent some situations.

 

[Swanee]

Hmm... I'll preface this by saying BE HONEST - I will not be hurt by the responses...

Sometimes I find threads in here that really pull at my heart strings, and sometimes I answer them, but I always have about 15 seconds of 'should I' before I do anything. That's because I'm unmarried still, but a lot of things discussed in here are things that my bf and I are going through, and have been resolving (the threads about v-day and differences in showing love are ones that are resonating quite strongly with me at this point).

Do you get frustrated if an unmarried person comes in to contribute to posts? I understand that there is some kind of 'divide' between those who are unmarried, and those who are (it's hard to say, but it's true, isn't it?), but sometimes I find things that people in here go through, that I've experienced, and resolved pre-marriage, and I'd like to contribute.

Maybe because I'm somewhat different to other unmarried women. I lived with my bf for 2 years before we got into our relationship (I've since moved out), and due to the state of our relationship, there were things that needed to be resolved BEFORE either of us agreed to dating, that some people only resolve AFTER a marriage. I find, that because of those two things, I often find a better 'bond' with those who are married on this forum, than those who are just dating - I feel kinda 'in the middle' - a bit beyond the regular 'daters' in the forum, and a bit below the 'marrieds' in the forum. I guess I don't seem to fit, and I feel more in understanding with the marrieds, than the unmarrieds.

Sorry for rambling, I guess I just want to know if you guys feel 'weird' about an unmarried person contributing to posts, and would prefer it if, say I was to find a thread that resonated with me, I posted it in the courting couples threads. Or, if you didn't have a problem.

Thanks! And please be honest!

Sasch

Hi Sasch, i think the more the merrier. If you feel you can contribute in the Married forum, go ahead, and welcome.

 

[LynnMcG]

I agree with mbams too. But I think it's true all over the boards. I find it so annoying when someone posts a response by saying, I don't know but... and starts spouting junk they have no business spouting. It's like posting just to get a blessing.

I do, however, recognize how your relationship experience is differnt than some singles. I lived with my husband for 4 years before we were married so I know where you are right now. We broke up, he moved out, he got saved, I got saved, and we got married and didn't live together until we were married. BUT, you will find one day that being married is COMPLETELY different than living together. I can't explain it to you; but I know you'll feel it one day. Both of you will have a different level of committment when you're married that will change EVERYTHING about your relationship. It deepens your intimacy (I don't just mean sexually), your communication and your committment to each other.

Non Christians will say, it's just a piece of paper, it's just a ring - that's nonesense. Maybe it's being blessed by our Father by doing the right thing. I don't know. But you'll understand better when you and B are married.

 

[searle29678]

I agree with mbams too. But I think it's true all over the boards. I find it so annoying when someone posts a response by saying, I don't know but... and starts spouting junk they have no business spouting. It's like posting just to get a blessing.

I do, however, recognize how your relationship experience is differnt than some singles. I lived with my husband for 4 years before we were married so I know where you are right now. We broke up, he moved out, he got saved, I got saved, and we got married and didn't live together until we were married. BUT, you will find one day that being married is COMPLETELY different than living together. I can't explain it to you; but I know you'll feel it one day. Both of you will have a different level of committment when you're married that will change EVERYTHING about your relationship. It deepens your intimacy (I don't just mean sexually), your communication and your committment to each other.

Non Christians will say, it's just a piece of paper, it's just a ring - that's nonesense. Maybe it's being blessed by our Father by doing the right thing. I don't know. But you'll understand better when you and B are married.

I couldn't agree more. I never knew Robert the way I do now that we are married, and we lived together for five years! Some of the experiences are the same, we still bicker about some of the same stuff....but man is it different--special different, but different nonetheless.