Do you have to have a wedding?

[CounselorForChrist]

I get just like having a child, this is the womans other day to remember. But is it really needed? My mother did weddings and yes they are beautiful. But why not just marry with two witness then send cards (or messages on FB) letting know everyone know that you married? If your starting out I'd think you'd want to save money, not spend it. I realize some parents pay for them, but its not true in every situation.

Luckily my fiance is ok with us just being in front of a pastor (because of my anxiety in front of people), but if I had to do a wedding I think I'd not get married.

BTW this isn't an attack on weddings (although it looks like it lol). I'm just curious what peoples answers are (both men and women).

 

[Luther073082]

God never lays out what a couple has to do in order to be married. One might look at this as an overisight but I see it as a way of being open to all sorts of cultures and ways of marrying people.

There is however one constant that can't be ignored and that is that the general community around them. Not only friends and family but neighbors. . . recognize the couple as married.

These days we do it through the law and the use of the marriage license. I'm not sure if the idea of what you are talking about involves the use of a marriage license, but I think thats an essential component. Thats what the community recognizes as marriage... That testifies to your faith in that marriage is the proper place for a sexual relationship and it also puts the force of law behind your marriage... because now it is not possible to throw your spouse out, take all the money and leave the other person "high and dry" so to speak. (Which is possible otherwise)

Now what you are talking about, 2 witnesses if there is a marriage license. . . I guess its ok in terms of you being legitimatly married. However I would as a family member find it somewhat offensive. It is usually expected and has been in just about every culture that one would have their friends and family at their wedding, at the very least their close family. Just grabbing 2 witnesses and getting hitched and announcing over face book to everyone that you are now married sounds as though its immature, not taking into account other people's feelings and perhaps not well thought out.

You don't have to spend a ton of money on a wedding. . . you really don't. Most of the money goes to the reception anyways. If you go with a cheap reception or no reception you can still have a fairly cheap wedding but have your friends and family over and not offend a lot of people in the process.

Lets look at the big cost items and how you can save on it.

Place for reception - use a church reception hall, many churchs if you are a member will provide it for free as long as you clean up.

DJ - not necessary, you want music? Get a friend to play some on a stero, maybe with a laptop.

Food - You don't have to cater, you can have a potluck to save money.

Photographer - Have a friend or family member take photos. They won't turn out as good as a pro, but again its free.

Dress/Tux - She can wear her best dress and you your best suit. Her dress doesn't have to be white, it actually doesn't mean anything. Prior to the late 1800's most women didn't get married in a white dress, even if they where virgins. The white dress became popular because Queen Victoria of the UK married her husband Prince Albert of Sax Golgotha in a white dress. . . thats when every bride suddenly wanted a white dress for their wedding. It was unheard of before then and was too expensive for most people anyways.

Really if you do it right the only things you need to pay for are the use of the church for the wedding. (You are usually expected to make a small donation to the church or give the pastor some money for taking the time to come marry you.) and the marriage license. Both of which you would have to pay for anyways.

I wouldn't do what you are doing. Even with a marriage license you are just asking to offend most of your family and hers . . . and its not a good idea to start off married life with a bunch of ticked off in-laws and family members.

And vows with no license that gives the law the authority to hold you to those vows are hollow vows.

 

[Verve]

I don't see what the issue is with eloping.

 

[Luther073082]

I don't see what the issue is with eloping.

I don't think its sinful in and of itself, or invalid, but I think its disrespectful of one's family.

I would not want any future children of mine to elope, I would not want my brother to elope. So therefore I didn't do it and did not consider it.

Also eloping looks as though one has not thought this out well. This may or may not be justified but it has this look that they did not take the time to think it out and have a formal engagement period followed by a wedding, it rather looks like it was all done on a whim. It may or may not be justified but thats how it looks to a lot of people. It seems very irresponsible.

And you really really do not want to start off married life with a bunch of people upset such as your father and mother in law and your own father and mother because you went off and got married without them knowing until after the fact.

Now maybe if there is a tradition in your family of running off and eloping then, if thats what you want to do, go for it.

But really it seems like a silly thing to upset so many people over.

 

[Inkachu]

I think every couple should do whatever makes that couple happy. Contrary to many peoples' opinions (including my mother lol), a wedding is about the couple, not about the family/friends. I would never be offended if one of my friends or relatives chose to elope, or have a private or civil ceremony; why would I? It's THEIR wedding and THEIR marriage! Who am I to get miffed about someone else's personal choices?

Now - I do think weddings are a wonderful opportunity to celebrate one of life's most joyous occasions with friends and family. If a couple wants to have a huge bash, great. But if another couple feels more comfortable doing something private or small, that's great too. Some people have very legitimate reasons for eloping or having a private ceremony, such as social anxiety (hello, I can relate, I can't handle a lot of stress), limited finances, in-laws who can't get along, etc.

Every couple should do what pleases them, and everyone else should be happy for them or keep quiet.

 

[Luther073082]

I think every couple should do whatever makes that couple happy. Contrary to many peoples' opinions (including my mother lol), a wedding is about the couple, not about the family/friends. I would never be offended if one of my friends or relatives chose to elope, or have a private or civil ceremony; why would I? It's THEIR wedding and THEIR marriage! Who am I to get miffed about someone else's personal choices?

Now - I do think weddings are a wonderful opportunity to celebrate one of life's most joyous occasions with friends and family. If a couple wants to have a huge bash, great. But if another couple feels more comfortable doing something private or small, that's great too. Some people have very legitimate reasons for eloping or having a private ceremony, such as social anxiety (hello, I can relate, I can't handle a lot of stress), limited finances, in-laws who can't get along, etc.

Every couple should do what pleases them, and everyone else should be happy for them or keep quiet.

A wedding is mostly about the couple, but lets not forget its also about the combining of parts of 2 families and the creation of new nuclear family. Its about marriage which has been the bedrock of human culture for thousands of years.

So its not really unreasonable for someone who's invested a great deal of time and energy raising a son or a daughter to adulthood might be upset when that adult son or daughter goes and forms their own family in a wedding without informing their parents.

Yes you have to do things for yourself and you can't always follow your parents direction. But at the same time as being independent you can't forget to honor your parents or forget the enormous amount of time and energy those parents put into getting you to where you are today.

I'd be highly curious as to how many parents of children who are 18 to 30 would feel about their children eloping. But I'm guessing most of them would be upset.

And honestly for such an important life event as getting married. . . it seems highly odd to try to keep our family AWAY from it. When you graduated from high school or college did you tell your family not to come or to try to keep them from comming?

Why would one do that for a wedding which is far more important of a life event then graduating.

I remember the day I was married (April 10, 2010)
I remember the day I asked my wife to marry me (March 14, 2009)
I remember the day that we first met (August 1, 2008)

My guess is that I'll always remember those dates.

I don't remember the day that I graduated from college, I only know the month. The same with high school, I don't remember the day, just the month.

 

[Inkachu]

You're assuming that these families are close and on good terms. You're assuming that the parents loved and cared for their child. You're assuming that there was no abuse, neglect, drifting apart, etc. That's not always the case. In fact, it's probably not the case more than one might think. I'm fine with people who want big, happy weddings, full of family and friends, even if it's not what "I" would want. Can't you allow for the opposite, even if you don't quite "get" it? We really need to grasp the fact that every person/family out there isn't necessarily functioning under the same dynamics as us/ours. Several posters have explained their views; even if you don't agree, that doesn't mean their views are invalid. I've said I prefer something small, possibly private, because I suffer from anxiety if I'm under too much stress. I also was abused by people in my family - should I have them coddled up to me during my wedding just for the sake of appearance? I think not. Some people don't have any family at all (like Don), so there are no in-laws who would be jilted by a private wedding in those cases.

Just stuff to think about. In the end, we really need to let people do what they feel is appropriate for them, even if we don't agree or understand.

 

[Luther073082]

You're assuming that these families are close and on good terms. You're assuming that the parents loved and cared for their child. You're assuming that there was no abuse, neglect, drifting apart, etc. That's not always the case. In fact, it's probably not the case more than one might think. I'm fine with people who want big, happy weddings, full of family and friends, even if it's not what "I" would want. Can't you allow for the opposite, even if you don't quite "get" it? We really need to grasp the fact that every person/family out there isn't necessarily functioning under the same dynamics as us/ours. Several posters have explained their views; even if you don't agree, that doesn't mean their views are invalid. I've said I prefer something small, possibly private, because I suffer from anxiety if I'm under too much stress. I also was abused by people in my family - should I have them coddled up to me during my wedding just for the sake of appearance? I think not. Some people don't have any family at all (like Don), so there are no in-laws who would be jilted by a private wedding in those cases.

Just stuff to think about. In the end, we really need to let people do what they feel is appropriate for them, even if we don't agree or understand.

And in this is the first time abuse or other family issues has entered this thread. However under normal circumstances where a person has been on relativly good terms with their family, it is IMO not a good idea to elope.

 

[crazygardenlady]

It may or may not be justified but thats how it looks to a lot of people.

When it comes to marriage, the only thing that matters is what you and your spouse know to be true in your heart. Let not the judgement of others sway you from following your own heart and living life the way you'd prefer to live it - as long as you walk with The Lord and follow His guidance, all shall work out. I do not plan to have a wedding as I think they are rather gaudy, unnecessary, and dramatic. I'd prefer a peaceful, quiet, private ceremony between my spouse and our priest.

 

[Inkachu]

When it comes to marriage, the only thing that matters is what you and your spouse know to be true in your heart. Let not the judgement of others sway you from following your own heart and living life the way you'd prefer to live it - as long as you walk with The Lord and follow His guidance, all shall work out. I do not plan to have a wedding as I think they are rather gaudy, unnecessary, and dramatic. I'd prefer a peaceful, quiet, private ceremony between my spouse and our priest.

Exactly. To each their own.

 

[Mess]

I would agree that under perfect circumstances, eloping is rather strange. But let's say, there's a couple. And this couple had been dating for quite a while, but they both had a few rough patches, and ultimately wouldn't be able to afford a real elaborate wedding. And both their families didn't have the money. These individuals, were both buring with passion for each other, knew each other as well as one could without getting married, and feel it's right for them to get married, and feel it should be the next step to take. They've consulted with God, and He gives them the ok. Then there would be no harm, in a private ceremony or eloping.

 

[iambren]

You need another person, outside of the two being married, to witness the couple giving vows. Marriage is PUBLIC not PRIVATE.

 

[ptomwebster]

I get just like having a child, this is the womans other day to remember. But is it really needed? My mother did weddings and yes they are beautiful. But why not just marry with two witness then send cards (or messages on FB) letting know everyone know that you married? If your starting out I'd think you'd want to save money, not spend it. I realize some parents pay for them, but its not true in every situation.

Luckily my fiance is ok with us just being in front of a pastor (because of my anxiety in front of people), but if I had to do a wedding I think I'd not get married.

BTW this isn't an attack on weddings (although it looks like it lol). I'm just curious what peoples answers are (both men and women).

I officiate at small weddings quite often. In Minnesota you only need five people: the couple, two witnesses and an officiant.

 

[ReginaPhlange]

I'm sorry but I haven't read other replies (too tired!) just the OP post....my answer is simple.

It's your wedding, your day, your marriage, your life (and when I say 'your' I mean you and your fiance).....do what pleases you and makes you happy.

 

[LondonDreamer1187]

My fiance and I are just going to get married in front of our immediate families, and then leave for honeymoon directly after. There's no reason to do something you don't want to do on YOUR wedding day. And if it's finances that are the issue, then do what works for you.

Sure, we'd all LOVE the extravagant dream wedding, but it isn't always possible when you're stuck paying for it by yourselves. Which is why my fiance and I are just going to have something small, then a nice quiet honeymoon, and then have a small informal party when we get back and are settled.

Besides, if people get upset they weren't involved, they'll eventually get over it.

 

[Nerd Girl Supreme]

To the OP:
So you don't celebrate anything in life? Birthdays, holidays, special occasions? You NEVER have or attend parties of any kind??

A wedding is one of the most special, joyous, exciting days of anyone's life (it is NOT a "woman's day") and is a once-in-a-lifetime chance to celebrate something beautiful and joyful with friends and family.

I think small, private weddings are fine. If you don't want anyone else there except the minister, then maybe consider having a "reception" type party later on with family and friends. It doesn't have to be expensive. Have it at home if you want. The POINT is to celebrate and share the joyous occasion, just like you would with a birth or a graduation or an anniversary. Even though the day is all about the couple, remember that your friends and family want to celebrate with you, and denying them any chance of doing that is kinda selfish IMHO.

 

[Nerd Girl Supreme]

You need another person, outside of the two being married, to witness the couple giving vows. Marriage is PUBLIC not PRIVATE.

That's what the pastor is for It's still "private" in my view if it's just the couple and the officiant.

 

[Nienna_Lady_of_Tears]

I don't think its sinful in and of itself, or invalid, but I think its disrespectful of one's family.

I would not want any future children of mine to elope, I would not want my brother to elope. So therefore I didn't do it and did not consider it.

Also eloping looks as though one has not thought this out well. This may or may not be justified but it has this look that they did not take the time to think it out and have a formal engagement period followed by a wedding, it rather looks like it was all done on a whim. It may or may not be justified but thats how it looks to a lot of people. It seems very irresponsible.

And you really really do not want to start off married life with a bunch of people upset such as your father and mother in law and your own father and mother because you went off and got married without them knowing until after the fact.

Now maybe if there is a tradition in your family of running off and eloping then, if thats what you want to do, go for it.

But really it seems like a silly thing to upset so many people over.

What if your family never wished you to get married anyway, and marrying someone they did not pick for you in and of itself would be disrespectful?

As far as friends, we did not have any who could have made it anyway.

 

[CounselorForChrist]

So you don't celebrate anything in life? Birthdays, holidays, special occasions? You NEVER have or attend parties of any kind??

Nope not really. It doens't mean I hurt others feelings about it though. Like my fiances celebrates birthdays, so for her I would do it. But usually when there are parties I stay home.

I also feel why should each birthday be special? Why not every day that God lets you wake up? Which is the same when it comes to anniversaries. I prefer to celebrate every day that me and my fiance are together, not just yearly. I mean we don't have parties every day, but its more of as I said yearly things seem silly. Not to mention alot of things like birthdays get pushed on us so the industry makes money off of things like cards and stuff.

To add also, in my case the only holidays involve my family (outside of my parents) who don't really care about me. I would rather stay home and enjoy the holiday then go somewhere that depress me because they can't accept I am disabled. I went for years and I just got ignored in a corner, just as my parents do. Of course the family also doesn't except what religion we are compared to them.

Oh I agree about the weddings. They are joyful events. Its something I do look forward too. I just don't think its should be about the wedding as much as it is about the two of you getting married. In our case too we only have like $200 for the wedding in her country. Which is alot there, but we will only be able to invite a handful of people. Then when here we will do the same.

I guess I just don't like bridezillas who seem to put the wedding above even the man they are marrying. And they ignore the fact the debt from it will add stress for a the first few years of marriage until its paid off. My cousins wedding cost around $100,000. It was beyond fancy and it boggled my mind. Its why I am glad my fiance comes from another country where they are happy with what they have and don't need big things.

 

[Nerd Girl Supreme]

IMHO it has nothing to do with how much money you spend. You can celebrate an event without spending ANY money, if you get creative. My point was whether or not you celebrate life events, not whether or not you have money to throw lavish parties. Your post makes it sound like you don't want to celebrate anything with anyone because your feelings have been hurt over the years.