Ever since I was a kid, I was hyper aware of the fact that my Christian peers around me were able to engage in spiritual states that I personally had trouble comprehending or engaging in.
Is it possible you were pressured or expecting more of yourself than appropriate? Most people don't speak in tongues. It's a spiritual gift and if you lack it that's okay. As for worship, expression is personal. Some are more emotional and others are quiet. Given the setting you described it's understandable why you weren't comfortable and felt different from the rest.
This is where I part ways with modern practices. Church is a continuance of the spiritual education that begins at home. The foundation must be laid by the parents and children should be given the latitude to explore and experience God on their terms. They tell them about God. They rarely discover Him.
Questions are equally important. Everything won't make sense and some things become clearer as they mature. There's a reason why many fly the coop later on. They never developed a relationship with Him. They followed a routine that collapsed later on.
Religion wasn't forced in my home and pastors and priests weren't on pedestals. They were fallible creations just like us and agreement wasn't required. When I didn't go to confession no one made me. When I wouldn't get confirmed no one complained. I always impressed upon my daughter the necessity of choice. She had to choose Him for herself and if she didn't that was her choice as well. I wouldn't strong-arm her.
There was only one time I can really remember when I was a Christian that I put real effort into submission to God. Surprisingly I felt something... I didn't like it... I felt hazy... like I was in a drunken stupor. During the middle of it... I wanted to snap out of this trance... but it persisted for a few more hours.
It sounds ecstatic. Have you read Avila or Lisieux?
What do you get out of spirituality? I know little about the love part, if you're able to explain it I'd be very interested.
My relationship with God is experiential and practical. I recognize there's a lot I don't understand and will never know and it doesn't bother me. I don't adhere to any traditions or blueprints. My desire to know Him is foremost. That requires fellowship between He and I and a willingness to apply what He said. While I can learn from other's experiences I need my own and that's the bedrock of my faith.
Who is He to me? What has He done for me? How has He helped and challenged me? And so on. I can answer those questions with concrete experiences which encourages me and deepens my trust. He guides me like a Father which includes the willingness to correct and nudge me when I'm going off course. I understand the changes won't happen overnight and the journey is purposeful. He loves me as I am and shows me who I'll become under His direction. His desires for me exceed my own and it's humbling.
I love Him because He loves me relentlessly. He's not thwarted by my fears or weaknesses. He doesn't love me less when I fail or err. He's always there encouraging me to try again and believes in me. What human would do the same? We have limits and biases. He sees beauty where others don't. He doesn't put me in a box; He wants me to soar. Why wouldn't I love Him? We love others who give far less.
I've never been the sort of person who learned things the hard way. His directives yield good results and I'm more likely to listen than not. I don't want the consequences for disobedience. That doesn't sound super spiritual but it's true. I'm the same way in the natural. I do what I can to avoid a wreck.
I feel immense peace in His presence and I'm happier too. There's no heaviness or stirring. I'm settled now and content. I spent several years working to reach this point. I dismantled everything until I was emptied. I asked myself throughout the process what do you want? What do you need? What's working and what isn't? Answering the questions brought me to this place and it's liberating.
My hatred of feminism is directly aligned with my psychoanalyzing of my Christian faith. The hostility towards men having problems and uncompromising drive I see within those circles to view women as victims is highly disturbing to me.
I can understand your feelings. I saw a lot of things that troubled me. I don't think men were well esteemed by many. And it was evident when they were out of earshot and we were all together. One day I looked around me and told myself if you want to get married don't listen to them. I didn't want a henpecked man or the semblance of submission. I wanted to follow him.
That's when I learned to keep my own counsel and directed my confidences to the women who mirrored the qualities I respected. I don't listen to women I don't want to emulate. I look at her life and ask myself do you want the same?
And I don't keep company with feminists. I'm polite and we can talk or grab a bite to eat. But she'll never be my friend or in my ear. I don't want to be like her. Rohn was right when he said, "You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with."
From observing men all of my life... there is something about masculinity that makes men very sensitive towards women's pain. I will never be part of a movement that doesn't properly acknowledge this... or take appropriate responsible precautions. Feminists come in all different chemical makeups... but sorry.. the movement attracts very masochistic women. I don't see why these types of women wouldn't thrive in feminist environments.
What would you like them to say?
I hate people like Andrew Tate. But for the reasons above... feminism is always going to irk me more.
Andrew Tate is a conversation in itself as are most in that sphere. He's an attractive man with money that's why people listen to him. They've never asked themselves the bigger question can I do the same? You won't get his results and don't say he's encouraging you. False empowerment is equally troubling.
Don't get me wrong he can make good points but you need to be in the place where you can execute what he said (the sensible stuff). The advice must fit your circumstances. If you want to level up that's fine. But set realistic targets.
Now that you mention it I don't think I like any gurus. LOL
Funnily enough... I think the conservative gender environments have a disturbing romanticization of dominance and submission. I don't like feminism... but what I see there is easier to comprehend compared to the socially conservative environment I grew up in.
How so?
I'm glad I don't have children nor ever want any, because I'd feel so helpless and angry about the current environment, I'd have to raise them in.
Yeah, this is a difficult time. You'd have to homeschool and move to the country for normalcy. This is a different world.
~bella