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Do you have a "backup" friend?
- Thread starter puffca
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eugeneandbobo
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I could see this.
Ok, I want to be open and serious with you.
<goes down on one knee>
Will you marry me
"YES!"
No wait, you haven't heard me out fully.
"Um?"
Will you marry me if I can't find someone better in the next few years?
Ok, I want to be open and serious with you.
<goes down on one knee>
Will you marry me
"YES!"
No wait, you haven't heard me out fully.
"Um?"
Will you marry me if I can't find someone better in the next few years?
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I
ImperialPhantom
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There will never be a woman who is perfect for any one man, or a man who is perfect for any one woman. That's why marriage is something you work at. The perfect couple doesn't exist, just like a perfect person doesn't exist. Marriage is about loving someone and making it work despite the imperfections that are there.
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I agree to I disagree completely. I think some people are made for each other, and thus are perfect for each other, thus forming the perfect couple. Just because they aren't perfect individually (Like Jesus-Perfect. Sinless) doesn't mean there isn't a perfect couple.
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Beautiful Fireball
Tomorrow is another day
There is no such thing as a perfect couple.
There are going to be things about your future wife that you can't stand, you are going to argue with her, you are even going to dislike her at times. But that doesn't mean its bad, everybody has relationships like that.
If you truly believe that there is a perfect couple out there, then you are in for a rude awakening.
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Luther073082
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Man now the idea of a backup friend is sounding pretty appealing.
I mean if you look at this way, it may not be as romantic as one would like but you would have someone at home that loves you and it would allow us to have children.
The only thing that is bad about it is that you might have to treat your marriage partially like a business transaction.
Although honestly if two single friends of the opposite sex make that agreement then that just sort of makes me wonder why they arn't dating eachother. I mean if you have two friends that are both willing to marry eachother if they are both single then it would make sense that they dated eachother because obviously there has to be something there.
I mean if you look at this way, it may not be as romantic as one would like but you would have someone at home that loves you and it would allow us to have children.
The only thing that is bad about it is that you might have to treat your marriage partially like a business transaction.
Although honestly if two single friends of the opposite sex make that agreement then that just sort of makes me wonder why they arn't dating eachother. I mean if you have two friends that are both willing to marry eachother if they are both single then it would make sense that they dated eachother because obviously there has to be something there.
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ImperialPhantom
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Double or nothing. Perfection is, by definition, impossible with humans, because God is the only form of perfection, so if you are going to wait for marriage only until you find perfection, you'll die single. Sorry, but it's not a matter of opinion in this case. It's common logic.
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violetpen
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I don't have a backup friend, but I used to have a backup crush, someone I liked and would dream about after my previous crush showed they weren't who I thought they were, got engaged, etc. He was pretty all-around cool and I'd known him since I was 12 and he was always nice to me. We didn't see each other that often, and then he primarily hung out with my brother. I never got to know him that well and haven't seen him in years.
The one nice thing about a backup crush was that I was less likely to "fall for" the next guy who came around - it gave me a bit of distance to see if the guy was worth spending time on.
The one nice thing about a backup crush was that I was less likely to "fall for" the next guy who came around - it gave me a bit of distance to see if the guy was worth spending time on.
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isnt back up friend kinda insulting? its like last resort. or the back up friends a consolation prize
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PeculiarTreasure
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I don't have a close guy friend at all. Heck, I barely even have guy friends..It's so bad!
Me and you both.
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catofhope
Cathy loves her husband Randy
I remember the concept of a "backup friend" from the Murphy Brown sitcom.
Murphy and best bud Frank Fontana had such an arrangement.
But if you both were just friends then it is reasonable.
When you are in another relationship you do not have as much time for friends...
But when/if you break up you have time again to reestablish relations with your old friends.
I think I may be a "back up" for a good guy friend.
When I was telling him about my current boyfriend...
he started talking a little weird and it confused me.
I told him I was NOT trying to get more out of our relationship.
I thought if he still thinks about connecting if nothing else works out...
Then what I am? Just chopped liver.
I am only good enough as a last option.
And is he waiting for me to change to be more acceptable?
I deserve someone that puts me above others.
Who accepts me as I am and pursues me.
Murphy and best bud Frank Fontana had such an arrangement.
Well, if he expected more than friendship then it would be confusing.
But if you both were just friends then it is reasonable.
When you are in another relationship you do not have as much time for friends...
But when/if you break up you have time again to reestablish relations with your old friends.
That is my thought.
I think I may be a "back up" for a good guy friend.
When I was telling him about my current boyfriend...
he started talking a little weird and it confused me.
I told him I was NOT trying to get more out of our relationship.
I thought if he still thinks about connecting if nothing else works out...
Then what I am? Just chopped liver.
I am only good enough as a last option.
And is he waiting for me to change to be more acceptable?
I deserve someone that puts me above others.
Who accepts me as I am and pursues me.
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overit
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Ronny, I seriously would ask you to continue to grow a little and continue maturing and being open to hearing what others are saying.
I think you are putting marriage and your future partner on a pedestal they will NEVER be able to reach. You won't find a perfect wife, not even perfect FOR you nor will you be for them. You may love eachother, and work hard at marriage, and go through ups and downs, and have times where you don't feel sparks, and have arguments, or have disinterst, or feel bored, or feel lonely even though they are there, even in the best of marriages there are struggles. Else why do you think vows were written the way they are? You may find somebody who is just right for you in every way, brings out the best in you and minimizes our worst, who we are compatible with, that have the traits we desire, this makes it a great marriage, a good match, but there is no perfect couple, perfect marriage, perfect girl, perfect girl for you.
I'm afraid you have so in idealization and IDOLIZATION of a perfect women and marriage that you will not only hurt yourself but any future partner you may have and you may lose out on some wonderful opportunities in life.
God promised nobody a spouse, He may or may NOT grant you this desire. God many times keeps people from acheiving their greatest desires to work and mold them as the clay that we are in the potter's hands. Refines through fire, sometimes that takes a lot of suffering, agony, or not getting what we want because He wants to teach us something in life, whether that's placing Him first, realizing you dont need a spouse to be happy or simply He may have plans for your life other then marriage. It's good to have faith, but I'd say you are on a rather slippery slope to be convicted of such things that God never speaks of, including the hole soulmate/spiritmate thing. Your personal relationship with CHrist, or what He speaks to you about should ALWAYS line up in Scripture-not your personal views or opinions on the matter. DOes it line up with His word? A lot of times we think we hear from God when it's our own flesh or our own desires that mix things up, that is why HE gave us Scripture to complement what the Holy Spirit speaks to us about.
Even if HE truly HAS made this promise, how do you know it's not for 30 years from now? You don't, you can hope, pray and ask God to give you the desires of our heat, which He does, but according to HIS will (NOT OURS!). THAT is a big thing to swallow my dear.
What if you are meant to be refined by fire in your marriage? What if you marry the (as you say) "perfect" girl and 5yrs from then she ups and gets crazy and starts behaving in a horrible way, strays, berates you, slides away from God, whatever-it DOES happen. What then? It's no longer perfect, that is when those vows kick in and you get on your face and pray to God to help you through this. You then realize no marriage and no partner is perfect. God has chosen plenty of people that he refined their characters and obedience through marriage. You never know.
Don't create an idol of marriage, or a perfect wife. Only HE is perfect FOR us, a marriage partner is a complement to your life, a life partner, a parent to your children and someone to be a friend through life. Again: IN sickness and in health, good times and bad, for better or worse......please take this little post to heart I ask you. At least consider that you may be a little over the top in your views on the perfect marriage/wife.
I do want to add for a young kid (21 yes you are still a kid in many ways) I have admired and liked a lot of your posts and your views on gender equality especially and I like you....so take this from a "big sister" type approach and I hope not to offend you, I'm just hoping to save you some tears, desilusion, and bumps along the road of life. And I now have 7 gray hairs so you should listen
j/k lol
I think you are putting marriage and your future partner on a pedestal they will NEVER be able to reach. You won't find a perfect wife, not even perfect FOR you nor will you be for them. You may love eachother, and work hard at marriage, and go through ups and downs, and have times where you don't feel sparks, and have arguments, or have disinterst, or feel bored, or feel lonely even though they are there, even in the best of marriages there are struggles. Else why do you think vows were written the way they are? You may find somebody who is just right for you in every way, brings out the best in you and minimizes our worst, who we are compatible with, that have the traits we desire, this makes it a great marriage, a good match, but there is no perfect couple, perfect marriage, perfect girl, perfect girl for you.
I'm afraid you have so in idealization and IDOLIZATION of a perfect women and marriage that you will not only hurt yourself but any future partner you may have and you may lose out on some wonderful opportunities in life.
God promised nobody a spouse, He may or may NOT grant you this desire. God many times keeps people from acheiving their greatest desires to work and mold them as the clay that we are in the potter's hands. Refines through fire, sometimes that takes a lot of suffering, agony, or not getting what we want because He wants to teach us something in life, whether that's placing Him first, realizing you dont need a spouse to be happy or simply He may have plans for your life other then marriage. It's good to have faith, but I'd say you are on a rather slippery slope to be convicted of such things that God never speaks of, including the hole soulmate/spiritmate thing. Your personal relationship with CHrist, or what He speaks to you about should ALWAYS line up in Scripture-not your personal views or opinions on the matter. DOes it line up with His word? A lot of times we think we hear from God when it's our own flesh or our own desires that mix things up, that is why HE gave us Scripture to complement what the Holy Spirit speaks to us about.
Even if HE truly HAS made this promise, how do you know it's not for 30 years from now? You don't, you can hope, pray and ask God to give you the desires of our heat, which He does, but according to HIS will (NOT OURS!). THAT is a big thing to swallow my dear.
What if you are meant to be refined by fire in your marriage? What if you marry the (as you say) "perfect" girl and 5yrs from then she ups and gets crazy and starts behaving in a horrible way, strays, berates you, slides away from God, whatever-it DOES happen. What then? It's no longer perfect, that is when those vows kick in and you get on your face and pray to God to help you through this. You then realize no marriage and no partner is perfect. God has chosen plenty of people that he refined their characters and obedience through marriage. You never know.
Don't create an idol of marriage, or a perfect wife. Only HE is perfect FOR us, a marriage partner is a complement to your life, a life partner, a parent to your children and someone to be a friend through life. Again: IN sickness and in health, good times and bad, for better or worse......please take this little post to heart I ask you. At least consider that you may be a little over the top in your views on the perfect marriage/wife.
I do want to add for a young kid (21 yes you are still a kid in many ways) I have admired and liked a lot of your posts and your views on gender equality especially and I like you....so take this from a "big sister" type approach and I hope not to offend you, I'm just hoping to save you some tears, desilusion, and bumps along the road of life. And I now have 7 gray hairs so you should listen
j/k lol
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Luther073082
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I'm not up on the whole thing but from what I can tell Ronnie, there may be certain standards that you might want. However try not to be too stringent. Because something I learned in high school, painfully so was that there are no perfect women. So find a woman that meets a non-negotiable bare minimum of standards and that you have a spark with.
But don't put too many standards in there or you will never find someone that will meet them.
But don't put too many standards in there or you will never find someone that will meet them.
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