do you get so misunderstood?

[HoneyComb Son]

how many people with OCD and what not get so misunderstoo and get mad at..

like people just say..oh just follow your feelings..like you tell them how you feel and your thoughts..but like they tell you..like oh maybe its a sign of the truth or what you should do

God knows.if I followed my thoughts and feelings..I would be in a box..killing people..LOL with the crazy OCD thoughts I get...

just seems the more I tell people how I feel..they just seem oh your fine..

im trying to get the truth and better.but its hard when people keep telling me that these thoughts and opposite feelings are true....when deep inside I know sometimes amiss

anyone understand? how did you press forward

its hard I cant see what way to go..I just dont want to go by thoughts and feelings anymore...just I feel so condemned and its wrong..and it seems so true...that its hard to go against itt

 

[Kevin_Wright]

Well, I can't say I have OCD. But I can totally relate to the part of "following your thoughts and feelings." LOL, I can't even imagine what a world of poo I would be in if I did that.

But to me it sounds like, if most of the people you are telling these things to are telling you that you are fine. Maybe they are right, maybe you are the one who is wrong about something being "amiss."

Just a thought

 

[HoneyComb Son]

thats the trouble..I tried following people who said those things.and it didnt end will..it lead to me stepping away and realizing that something is amiss

because if I followed everyones saying like that..I wouldnt be well

not to say that what people say is wrong..its to say alot of people just dont look deep enough...I have for so long took everyones advice and opinion to heart

now today..I can see that something is not right..I wouldnt be going to see a physricist if I didnt end up in the bathroom at work holding my head or going to restrooms in resturants having panic attacks and my feelings and mind causing pain..

peopel tell me im alright. then why do i feel opposite of what I want..and end up in the bathrooms..lol

it always seems people are telling me im fine..I listened to them..now a decade later..clearly something is not...I prayed for God to show me if I have OCD or something let me see it

and let me tell you I am..my mind isnt right if Im ending up in the bathrooms..reading the bible and having panic attakcks..or getting angry and tinking about murder..that ant right or feeling sad all the time

 

[shelovesChrist]

When I opened up to some people about the thoughts it would get frustrating and upseting sometimes because they would kind of brush it off like it happens to everybody and what not and it made me feel unheard and like you said misunderstood. I mean I know that everyone has thoughts they dont want but people can't really sympathize with us if they arent going through it themselves. I don't think they can even grasp how it feels to have horrible thoughts about the Lord everyday, direspectful, rude, blasphemous thoughts and all you want to do is be closer to Him. Like when I read your post, I totally understood and immediately connected and just knew how you felt but sometimes I guess it's not that they're giving us a half answer but maybe answering the best way they can being that they don't know an ounce of the pain that comes with this. That's why I just go to the Lord. There's a story in Mark ( 9: 17-30 ) when a father takes His son to Jesus because he didn't know what to do and not even the disciples couldn't help--but only the Lord knew what to do and knew about the situation. and also the women with the issue of blood (Mark 5: 25-34) who spent years going to the doctor and giving money and only the Lord made her whole. Opening up to trusted people about this feels good because someone is there next to you and you can tell them how you feel but at the end of the day I know that they can't give me the assurance and understanding and love like the Lord. Sometimes only the Lord can help. I'm not saying that medicine and doctors are ineffective but we can find our peace in the fact that He never fails and always has time and understands more than anyone else so when I feel burdened I just talk to Him and take my problems to him because I know for sure He understands and will have time for me. I'm grateful though for you guys as well because it lets me know that I'm not alone and that I'm not the only one who is pressing forward despite the situation. He gives me the strenth to overcome and continue. You said you've had this ten years and while I wish this on no one, I believe it's a blessing that you havent gave up. That you still have strength and that you can still read the Bible despite this all. Like you really have encouraged me. The hand of the Lord is mighty and man, He can carry you through some stuff. But I pray that you continue to praise Him in the midst of this because we know that He never fails so our current situation is not everlasting, but thank God that He is . I dont want you to feel like I'm throwing scriptures in you but this one comes from Proverbs 24: 16 For a just man falleth seven times, and riseth up again; but the wicked shall fall into mischief. We might fall but we never stay down and like mitzi said, we fall in His hand, not out of it. BTW, the scripture I gave you from Proverbs, well I looked up a bit in Proverbs 24: 13 ( My son, eat thou honey, because it is good; and the honeycomb, which is sweet to thy taste: ) and I saw your screen name kind of in that scripture. Is that where you got it from, just wondering =] Praying that the Lord continue give you endurance and wisdom and love and light during this storm.

 

[HoneyComb Son]

Thanks for your answers sheloveschrist..


its not that I dont appreiciate people's help..I do..I just think alot don't understand it or see it..how deep it is

I talking to a councellor now and seeing a Phyratrist next week..

what hurts me the most.is I feel like someone it trying to live through me the way they think i am..and how my mouth says things against my will.and I think its all God..it hurts me so much that I cannot explain it in words like I would..I feel just like something is changing me or wants me to be this or that..like changing me into a different person.it gives me good feels and smile..yet I get so angry with it..cause Im so confused by it...

I get dreams of a demon saying good things to me..as in real life..it says I love you..just like how during the day..my mouth says things against my will..it says I love you.yet it feels so much like rape

I feel something a presence like God ..it makes me feel like it..gives me feelings.yet I am angry and confused...feel possessed and raped by it

how can this be good? how can I not know who i am..what I want anymore...I shift left and right so much..desires change to whatever I feel satan or God wants

its like im an empty shell..like all these dreams visions thoughts and feelings are real.and from God..no matter how hard I try to break free from it...its changing me to feel it tbe true..

yet it hurts so much..how can I not be confused..isnt love not to harm others..or isnt peace not forced
I feel so forced to act out these or think on these so called good things

like if I where have your heart..your very being in my hands.and put whatever I want you want in it..even if it hurt you..made you have feelings and desires or thoughts..of what you where..what you liked.if I did this to you..how would you feel?

whats wrong with me...its like Im being pushed back to live a perfertistic life again..yet it makes me think its GOd and feels good and peace..yet it doesnt!

how is this right..I dont even know what my heart is saying..i feel possessed by something..why do I think its God..is God forcing me..why do i so believe it!

yet Im trying to break free from it.yet it just feels wrong.yet i still try to break free from it.because I know something is not right with all of this

I cant live my life by what I did before.it destroyying myself by every thought or feeling

I want to not live what I learned about Chrsit anymore..because its not right..yet I cant get that in my heart..I always doubt

I want to see it as OCD or whatever know something is wrong.not think anymore nothing is wrong..because there is!

 

[HoneyComb Son]

I get so many dreams and visions..they just have hurt me so much in the past and to this day..

it just seems some of them are so true and try to life my life..yet it just brings pain and confusion.even when they are so good and stuff.i just get angry

whats wrong??? how can I tell whats good if whats good just hurts me

 

[HoneyComb Son]

like people say good things...it just seems so deep..that i cant even understand the word "love" and "good"

those words just mean confusion to me..just makes me feel when i hear those words sorrow

 

[shelovesChrist]

hey,

no problem. and yea it is disappointing because sometimes they'll give you an answer or make it sound so simple and that makes you feel am i making a big deal out of this, did my mind convince me that this is big and it's not. we can look so put together on the outside and look okay, but if they just saw a screen of the stuff that runs across our mind daily they'd realize how big it is. and the only one i even tell about the thoughts in their rare form is God, sometimes i'll describe them to my friends, but even sometimes repeating them is just so uncomfortable because of the content. i think i want to find someone who will understands like him and that's impossible because only He knows like Him. That's why I'm so grateful and i believe it's a blessing that we can talk to each other and communicate because all on this forum know how it feels and i dont know what i'd do if i thought i was the only one going through this thing =/ we give each other strength and encouragement and im glad im able to communicate with my brothers and sisters in Christ on here. it's a big step for you to open up to others about this and im glad that you are taking that step because when you keep it all in to yourself sometimes its just too overwhelming you know. and dont listen to that demon for one second. don't be misled. i had a dream once where some wierd people were telling me satan loved me and i lashed out at them because i know that is a lie. anything the enemy says or anyone on his side of the field says is a lie. Jesus didn't call satan the father of lies for no reason. but God loves you. more than you can imagine. and i might understand your situation fully but nothing from God should feel evil or forced. He gives us free will. Sometimes we are led by the Holy Spirit but it doesn't feel against your will, it feels more like doing something good outside yourself in a more natural way. Like once i was in the kitchen with a girl that i thought didnt like me and a thought ran across my head to invite her to church. and i knew it was the Holy Spirit because it was outside of me to do that and i was like oh, no , oh no I'm not (not because it felt forced or bad) but because it would take me to step outside my comfort zone and confront someone who i thought didnt like me and i was afraid of her response but i repented and invited her. But it wasn't this forceful thing or like i was dragged to her. i had free will and i choose to do what the Spirit suggested because it was a good thing. God gave us our own personalities and even though we strive to be more and more like Christ doesn't mean our personalities change, just our habits and ways might change. and sometimes even our desires. but it's all for our own good not to hurt us. Look what He says in Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the LORD, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end. But I dont understand why if the things were good that you'd have a problem with them. If they were negative and evil, however, then I'd be upset. But if its the Spirit of God why not let in work in you. You should pray and ask the Lord to give you the spirit of discernment so you can be better able to deciefer which one is of the Lord and of the enemy. And if any change is of the Lord know it's for the better, remember what He said in Jeremiah. Don't let the enemy fool you into thinking the Lord is evil. When you think of our Father, you should think of happiness and a refuge, and positive things. Of course he punishes the wicked, but when it's regarding His children, it's different. Jesus says in Mathew 29: 11 Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. Continue to spend time with Him daily, read the four gospels, and learn of Him, the more time you spend with Him, the more you will be able to know Him, and the more you know Him, the more you'll know what is not like Him. I'm praying for you always. What you're describing, the feeling of rape and possession, doesn't sound like it's from the Lord, I never get that feeling from Him and haven't heard anyone who ever has either. But I hope I helped somehow and that you have a blessed day and continue to make progress. Learn of the Lord and you will see. For our Father worked in our Savior. =]

 

[HoneyComb Son]

I was typing something..but it got delete..ill try again

when you say somethings could be of God...or the Spirit..you know what enters into my mind..fear

the best way I can discribe:

If I where to come over where you live and meet you face to face..and smile at you...I told you I love you..and said good things to you..acted nice..and smiled at your face..but during this..I was kicking you punching you..hurting you..how would you feel?

wouldnt you be confused?

I just feel im at war with myself..possessed..I dont like feeling like something is making me feel thats making me angry and mad true and good and trying to make my feelings match up

i feel its againy my will..I feel like someone is forcing something against me I do not want

do you know..I yell out sometimes dont !&%!%@ touch me..I mean it towards God..I just dont know better

Ive had dreams where I saw demons act like Christ..all nice..quoting the bible..filling my mind with their interptations of the goodness of God..

Ive had dreams of Christ..say "important" things..all from the bible..yet be totally of the devil

how confused would I person be of that

its not that I wont take people's words..I do..its just deep..people say its not God.

want honestly.I believe it is..its all I know.the more I try to free myself of it.i cant..because in my heart...God is still that old testament God..taking things away..sacrifrice...etc cold

but to me its not that easy..because niceness and words of goodness and love.. have just screwed up my mind..I dont know when someone says good things to me if thats it...even if they say it is....I doubt that too..so deep

I dont talk to God much..I dont even read my bible much anymore for along time..I try..but the desire is gone.....so is any sense or motivation towards God..

I keep repeating things..But if I didnt..It just shows theres a deep issue

im so confused..and affraid

I know I can memorize the bible and I know alot of scriptures..but honestly..I dont see a good God that I can trust..no matte what people say..for so long no matter how much I read...pray or go to councellors..its still the same in my heart...

its so deep..so deep it involves the deep things of a person...thoughts belief system..what makes us human..our soul how we work deep..our spirit

because of what happened.and How I believe the Spirit works..I have cursed The Spirit...sometimes for along time.....I dont know why I did it..but I was angry because I felt he was doing something against me I didnt like that made me feel raped

yet people tell me that was God..thats how I learned of how the Spirit works

and I cant break it today..because I simply and confused if its not or is Him

I didnt ask to feel like I hate The Spirit of God as much to want him to leave my heart..if you wish to understand this..I actually do..thats how bad it is

I didnt ask to feel this way..I tried to follow God.and this is how I feel

Im so uncertain with myself and my feelings and thoughts i dont know anymore whats truly right and wrong.i keep being divided

I can read the bible to death..no good..im lost I just dont care anymore if I choose to walk away...like I have in a certain degree

because thats how deep it is..to me..God is like the Devil..im not calling God the devil.im just saying when I close my eyes and picture jesus christ..thats what I see..I didnt ask for this

did you know the first night I became I Christian.I had a dream or vision..of a white light spirit enter into my chest

did you know what I felt?

that it was Satan

 

[HoneyComb Son]

want more honestly..it has gotten bad at times..where I wished to hurt christians just to get back at God..and I would let Satan give me ideas on how I can do that

thats how I feel....i dont want to feel this way

 

[shelovesChrist]

If I where to come over where you live and meet you face to face..and smile at you...I told you I love you..and said good things to you..acted nice..and smiled at your face..but during this..I was kicking you punching you..hurting you..how would you feel?

but this is not what God does. Christ works through us and on us, but never is He harming us Himself in the process. Yes, we go through things, but He delivers us from things, He doesn't wish any evil upon us. Read in the four gospels, He made people whole, He delivered them, He warned the wicked from things to come, He didn't spend time devising plans to bringforth evil. He was working for the kingdom and did many marvellous good things. THe devil wishes evil upon us. He creates this plan to harm us, then presents it to us like it's good when in the end it causes us harm. Nothing good comes from Him. Ever.


Ive had dreams where I saw demons act like Christ..all nice..quoting the bible..filling my mind with their interptations of the goodness of God..

And that's what I feel a part of your situation is. The enemy painting this picture of Christ for you that isn't true. I feel like those dreams are important, because they are giving you revelation about your situation. And I believe that God gave you those dreams to show you that the image of Christ is being wrongly misintepreted . That's why I believe that despite your fading desire to read the Bible, you need to, stay in the four gospels and learn of Him yourself. Feelings can be very misleading. Sometimes I feel alone but in the word He promises that I am never alone, so I have to stop letting my feelings dictate things, and focus on His word.

I'm not acting like I know everything. But it hurts me when I hear that you have this negative feeling about the Lord when I know Him for myself and I know He doesn't wish any evil upon us. He wants to make us whole, to give us life and gives us life more abundantly. John 10:10 The theif commeth not, but for to steal, and to kill, and to destroy: I am come that they might have life, and that they might have it more abundantly. He wants to give us life abundantly, it's the devil who wants to destory and try to take our minds. Don't let Him. God didn't create you just to create you. Don't ever feel like you are here just because and by a mistake. He has a plan for all of us and through Christ we have eternal life. Yes we go through some trials and spiritual warefare because we decided to follow Christ and the devil wants us to give up. He wants to make it so hard for us that we say forget it. That we say we can't do it. And sometimes we can't do it on our own, but the Lord can do it through us and He wants us to give Him our burdens. He will bring us through every battle because He has never failed. ANd we have to have faith that He can do it and He will. Even faith the grain of a mustardseed. We have to pick up our cross daily and it's not easy sometimes, but don't give up on Him. Because in the end it will all be worth it. THink about it. Eternal life in comparison to the few years we spend on earth going through things. DOn't give up on Him, please don't, because HE didn't give up on us on calvary. He never complained, never said this is too much, this is too hard, He did it so that we can be saved from this sinful world and have life eternal through Him. Once when I was feeling burdened He gave me this scripture and I want to share it with you. John 16: 21 A woman when she is travail hath sorrow, because her hour is come: but as soon as she is delivered of the child, she remembereth no more the anguish, for joy that a man is born in the world.
22 And ye now therefore have sorrow: but I will see you again, and your heart shall rejoice, and your joy no man taketh away from you. I really encourage you to learn of Him and pray and ask our Father for the spirit of discernment and help because I really don't want you to walk away with a negative image of God. And when you said you had deliberate ideas that would hurt Christians remember Saul, he persecuted them, and the Lord had mercy on him and changed his life around and He can do the same for you if you ask for forgiveness. He knows you dont want to think this way about the Holy Spirit and that you don't want to think bad on others and you have to talk to Him. WHat you're drawing back from isn't God but the negative depiction of who you think He is. When you get to know Him you will cleave to Him and draw forward. Please, no matter how it feels, how it seems, how dark it is, read of Him and learn of Him and press toward Him. It even helps sometimes to surround yourself with people who love Him. Other Christians. THey can testify on His behalf. Praying for you and I hope that you continue to walk toward Him. And don't think of God as taking things away, He put His love in action by giving up His one and only son to be sacrificed for our sins. That's love. He saved us through Christ.

 

[HoneyComb Son]

thats one of the problems...believing in the dreams..I did before and it just destroyed my life...and left me this way...

im not trying to be difficult..im being honest..I wouldnt keep coming back..if I didnt tink I needed too..I know I keep repeating things..but I just feel its so deep and complicated..

I read your words..thank you..the thing is.I know my image of Christ is wrong..but honest to God.there is a part of me..a big part that believes it to be true.and that is what keeps me here..because no matter how I try to paint a new image of Christ..reading the bible etc etc..it just doesnt change

im not ready to be around other christians yet..I dont want to get hurt again..espeically where I live..I dont trust them....

 

[shelovesChrist]

Dont apologize. You're not being difficult. You're just being honest. Who am I to get mad at how you feel you know. And that's how I know you don't want to give up the fight. Because you keep coming back. And the Lord knows that too. I hope reading other posts about Christ, although you have an image of Him already, starts to alter the negative image more by more and be a light to the darkness that surrounds you. I'm not going to lie about anything. He is real and He is good and He loves us. No doubt about that. But I'll keep praying for you. And don't be down on yourself if you're not ready to be around other Christians. Honestly, I don't ever feel a hundrend percent ready about a lot of decisions but everything takes time. And if you don't get it the first or second, it's okay. Because I don't too. But our Lord isn't one who walks away, He continues to work on us. I don't know how other Christians have hurt you, but I know our guard is up when we don't trust people so I see where you're coming from. But know that you have to forgive them and move on and know that all Christians aren't like that. I love being around CHristians though. My brothers and sisters in Christ. Because when I'm down on myself about something they remind of kind and loving He is and merciful. Or they can give you scriptures and testimonies to get through things. ANd when we come to fellowship in the house of the Lord, oh man, it's just the best. Praising Him for His goodness and mercy. They understand about things such as the spiritual warefare and stuff that the world can't see because they are still walking in darkness. They give advice too. I pray that the Lord send you some good Christians friends that can be there by yourside. The enemy would love to have you on your own because you're more likely to believe his lies. But when your around Christian friends they snap you back to reality. When we're united as one and on one accord in the Lord we're a power house, but alone, that's going to be a hard journey. Read St. John 14 + 15 . I love those sections. When I'm down they lift me back up. Hope it does the same for you.

 

[HoneyComb Son]

I feel like theres this one thing..one time I heard God..that made me want Him..well theres been a few times..that I heard or saw something..that made me want God..there has been times I saw something good and I liked it...about nature...yet I could never think that was God..and His goodness because the rest of the world and people didnt teach that about God..

you ever feel deep down that this goodness you want doesnt exist..and if you try to go for it..your feelings thoughts and the whole world says its not good....and it gives you its goodness..which keeps you trapped

the more I want that deep down thing..it doesnt exist..my mind the outside logic pulls me back...

I just honestly get it or believe..I dont know what to look for..its so deep the scar the wound the arrow..where it just seares everything..even your words..everyones words becomes a bad thing..i dont mean too..it just does..a defensive mechanizism..

you want to know the truth..deep down..im a very angry person..sad..screaming in pain..something happened in the last few days..it scared me..I was about to lose something..I cant explain its personal..but I just fell into this tranze..I snapped.and i said things.deep things..like the words of Satan against The Spirit..yet they were from my heart and pain...

you ever have this deep pain..in your chest..and you have this fear.and its against The Spirit...because of fear..and the blasphemy against the Spirit.and how He works

its quite true..the reason i fear going closer to God..is because what if what I am fearing is true..it would just put me that further into darkness...to the point..im almost at the point..I am at that point in some ways..where you start to not feel sorry for what you say and do...even if you speak against The Spirit..something inside of you laughs

I just feel broken...so many prision bars that block my mind when i try to come back to God...

I ask for a new begining..but like I said..that goodness that small deep thing.you wish where true..doesnt exist

 

[shelovesChrist]

That's why you have to get to know Him for yourself. I go to an art school and there's been many of times where I've went to class and heard how people felt about who they thought God was and but they had it all wrong. You have to draw close to Him and get to know Him for yourself. So no matter what is thrown at you, whether it be wordly views, science, other religions, or even your mind, you'll have Him in your heart and you can't be moved. Those comments hurt and were frustrating because if they only took the time to get to know Him for themselves, then they would see that He's the best thing we got. And our minds do that and it sucks beause sometimes all we want to do is believe and it takes our joy. I used to read the Bible and everytime the Lord said something my mind would shout out prove it and negative things and I just got so frustrated because all I wanted to do was just believe and my mind attacked everythign He said. But despite how frustrating it was, despite how painful it was, I still kept reading. I refused to let those voices in my mind win. We have to keep pushing toward Him. and sometimes we wont feel good all the time and we will be weak but He is our refuge and strength and if He see we have the desire for Him, He is not going to let nothing block what He has for us. Sometimes we say things out of anger but if we repent for them we are forgiven. He is just and compassionate and loves us. God is good and you don't have to fear that you'll discover something bad at the end of the road because He is good and will always be. Don't let these silly , unweighted fears keep your from the Lord. He is good. He is compassionate. Just. Forigiving. True, a light to the blind. Of course the enemy doesn't want you to get closer to Him, because He's trying to keep your mind bound, He doesn't want you to know God and trust Him because the more time you spend with Him, your faith will grow and you won't be afraid and you'll start to love Him more and desire to come to Him. But sincerely, don't be afraid of the Lord. Ask Him to soften your heart and forgive you and keep you in the midst of this storm and manifest the truth to you, His love, His mercy, tell Him you desire to be set free, sincerely from the heart, you might not feel too good about youself but God loves you still and loves you always . Know that.