Do you get mad at your husband for being attacted to other women?

[musingsofacac]

I realize this question could go in a 1000 different directions so let me clarify what I am asking by asking some more specific questions:

If you were walking through a mall with your husband and you saw him check at another woman(not galking, but passing glances) would that bother you? If so why?

If you were watching a movie with your husband and he commented to you about how sexy he thought the actress was in the movie would that bother you? If so why?

If you overheard your husband talking to one of his friends and they were talking about how hot some woman was would that offend you? If so why?

I am really looking for the "why", not just that it would bother you if it does.

Thanks

 

[DreadWarrior]

I know I'm coming from the male perspective, but I know my wife would answer yes to all three of the questions.

The problem is that you'd be actively looking at the attractiveness of another woman who isn't your wife. Yes you can notice that a woman is attractive in passing, but when you turn to look, comment, or talk about with friends about how attractive another woman is, you're taking it further in your mind. My wife should be the only woman I turn to check out, not some stranger.

The other problem is that you're objectifying the woman and seeing her as just an object of beauty instead of a person with a soul. You can convince yourself that you're just appreciating their beauty, but that is easily a slippery slope that leads to pornography and adultery. It's just not even worth playing with.

 

[Audiomechanic]

The problem is that you'd be actively looking at the attractiveness of another woman who isn't your wife. Yes you can notice that a woman is attractive in passing, but when you turn to look, comment, or talk about with friends about how attractive another woman is, you're taking it further in your mind.

Gotta agree.

 

[SPB1987]

1. She would not get mad because I find another woman attractive but she would be upset if I actually checked the woman out....especially if we were together.
2. Depends. If I commented on the attractiveness she would not get mad....although if I went in to graphic detail that would be a different story.
3. This would be unacceptable.

Neither my wife or myself get upset that there are other people that we may find attractive. We also have never had issues of marital infidelity...not even flirting with someone. This could be part of why we can be fairly relaxed about this issue.

 

[CounselorForChrist]

Well its known fact that we tend to notice the opposite sex, even when married. Just as women notice a man whos handsome. I don't know if its ok to do, however I accept it because it seems to be normal. Of course what happens after they look is what matters. Do they talk about the person? Do they brag to the other men about the woman? If so then its past that line of just looking. Then I would not find it acceptable.

I think Jennifer Lawrence is beautiful. But thats it. Doesn't mean I want to sleep with her or think of her all the time. Just as my wife thinks a film star in her country is handsome. Now the world says a little bit of jealousy in a marriage is a good thing. But I'm not sure how I feel about that. Jealousy leads to issues like trust problems. I think jealousy is dangerous. So in short a glance is one thing, anything past that is questionable. We all have our views though on what crossing the line is.

You can always talk to your husband about this and just say what things make you uncomfortable and see if yous husband will try harder not to do it. Te extreme "what to do" is go get some counseling to see some things like maybe if your over reacting or if hes over stepping a line. Each couple is different.

 

[DreadWarrior]

I like how this was asking wives and only men have responded to this so far

Now the world says a little bit of jealousy in a marriage is a good thing. But I'm not sure how I feel about that. Jealousy leads to issues like trust problems. I think jealousy is dangerous.

A little bit of jealousy in a marriage is a good thing is a ridiculous statement. That's like being a Christian who is constantly paranoid if they're saved or not and saying that's a good thing. There has to be complete trust between both partners.

We worship a God who is extremely jealous, and doesn't want his children worshiping other gods. In a sense we are married and devoted to the one true God. Marriage is a reflection of our relationship with him.

 

[ValleyGal]

Job 31:1, 9-11
“I made a covenant with my eyes not to look lustfully at a young woman....If my heart has been enticed by a woman, or if I have lurked at my neighbor’s door, then may my wife grind another man’s grain, and may other men sleep with her. For that would have been wicked, a sin to be judged."

I thank God that my husband has followed in Job's example to make a covenant with his eyes. We talked about it once, and he said that when he finds himself thinking how attractive another woman is, he deliberately turns to look at me and appreciate my appearance. This way, no matter how old I get or how I look, I am the one he will be attracted to...iow, his "type" will always be my type. I have an incredible amount of respect for him for this.

My first husband was not afraid to look at other women, to talk about how "hot" he thought other women were, etc. In fact, he made a point of telling me (at nearly 5'5 and 110 lbs) that I was the "fattest woman" he'd ever been with. Every time he made a comparison - either putting me down or talking about how attractive other women were, he was losing my respect more and more because he was tearing me down.

Dr. John Gottman talks about the dangers of comparing your spouse to others. When you make these comparisons, they are typically comparisons that find your spouse lacking. How often do you notice someone ugly and compare how beautiful your wife is vs. how often you compare her to someone you find attractive? Chances are, you end up comparing (even sub-consciously) to the more attractive ones, and find your own spouse lacking. This leads down a destructive thought pattern where she is lacking and you will sub-consciously seek out validation for this thought. You move on to then thinking that she is not good enough and wonder what you are missing out on. This eats away at your attitude toward her, and you might even come to resent that she is not the pretty woman you admired yesterday at the coffee shop. Then you find yourself going to that coffee shop more often so you can see more of her, and maybe even strike up conversation. Where does it end? Now, that might be taking it further than you ever intend, but trust me, the erosion of the marriage can happen very slowly...and you likely would not trace marriage issues back to when you did admire that woman at the coffee shop.

You will notice that others are attractive. That's normal. But that is when you should take your thoughts captive, recognize it and then turn towards your wife's beauty and appreciate her. And whatever you do, build her up. Don't tear her down or make her feel insecure or insignificant by actually telling her about someone else's attractiveness. That kind of thing will cause her a lot of feelings like she will never measure up, and may even cause resentment. As I said, my ex husband did that, and I ended up divorced with no respect for him. There were other things that contributed, but that was definitely part of it.

 

[ChristianGolfer]

I realize this question could go in a 1000 different directions so let me clarify what I am asking by asking some more specific questions:

If you were walking through a mall with your husband and you saw him check at another woman(not galking, but passing glances) would that bother you? If so why?

Probably not. Unless he's gawking, I probably wouldn't notice anyway.

If you were watching a movie with your husband and he commented to you about how sexy he thought the actress was in the movie would that bother you? If so why?

No. My husband has said that he finds certain actresses attractive and it doesn't bother me at all. I find certain actors attractive, too.

If you overheard your husband talking to one of his friends and they were talking about how hot some woman was would that offend you? If so why?

Yeah, that would probably bother me. Noticing is one thing. Talking to buddies about how hot another woman is crosses a line for me. It would make a difference to me what word he used, too. If he said another woman was pretty, okay. But if he used the words "hot" or "sexy" I wouldn't be. I think it would bother me because it would seem to be dwelling on it if he's talking about it with buddies.

I completely expect my husband to notice beautiful women, even appreciate their beauty. But it needs to stop there.

 

[abacabb3]

As men, we shouldn't want to look at other women at all. It is evil and we only ever do so out of weakness. I prefer to be as strong as possible, not willingly weak.

 

[DreadWarrior]

As men, we shouldn't want to look at other women at all. It is evil and we only ever do so out of weakness. I prefer to be as strong as possible, not willingly weak.

This bring up the question of, can you notice that a woman is attractive? I don't know about you but it's literally a split second observation like saying something is blue or red. To me the question of if it's a sin or not happens after this, and if you start to entertain thoughts about them, go for a second look, or pull them up from memory later on.

 

[musingsofacac]

I know I'm coming from the male perspective, but I know my wife would answer yes to all three of the questions.

The problem is that you'd be actively looking at the attractiveness of another woman who isn't your wife. Yes you can notice that a woman is attractive in passing, but when you turn to look, comment, or talk about with friends about how attractive another woman is, you're taking it further in your mind. My wife should be the only woman I turn to check out, not some stranger.

The other problem is that you're objectifying the woman and seeing her as just an object of beauty instead of a person with a soul. You can convince yourself that you're just appreciating their beauty, but that is easily a slippery slope that leads to pornography and adultery. It's just not even worth playing with.

I agree that its rude under any circumstances whether a man is single or married for him to galk or go just glare in some serial killer sense at a woman.

Having said that, where does the Bible state that the only woman I should be attracted to is my wife? Where does it say I can only be attracted to one woman?

The Bible only condemns these two things for man when it comes to sexual attraction:

1. Looking at another man's wife with the desire to possess her(covetous, lustful thoughts)
2. Looking at a prostitute to go after her and enjoy pleasure with her.

Many Biblical topics tie into one another, so I don't want this to become a rabbit trail. But I believe your view on men being attracted to other women will come to down to your view of polygyny(the ability of a man to have more than one wife).

Many of the patriarchs had more than one wife, and the Old Testament regulated polygamous marriage thus acknowledging that most men are naturally polygamous in their nature. It was only after the Romans attempted the eradication of polygamous practices in the middle east(including Israel) that we came to the notion that marriage must be monogamous.(Romance literally means like the Romans, so when you were to say that polygamy is not very romantic, you were saying it was un-Roman).

The reason I say all that is to say that if you accept that most men have polygamous natures, it would be only natural for a man to be able to be attracted to multiple women at the same time. It changes the nature of the discussion. But in post-Roman western society we force men to hide their natures, to be ashamed of their natures and try and conform them to a more feminine approach to attraction and marriage(where women for the most part are naturally monogamous).

OK hit me everybody with your best shot!

 

[ValleyGal]

Just because a couple of the patriarchs had multiple wives, doesn't mean it's right. In fact, the NT talks about the qualifications of an elder - the husband of one wife, and about how each woman and husband should have their own husband/wife, respectively.

As I mentioned in my previous post, it is important for married people to find their attraction in their spouse, without comparing to others. Comparing will find the spouse wanting and could become the start of disharmony and disunity between them. It's one thing to notice someone is attractive; it is another thing altogether to say "what a hottie" when your spouse is there, or talk about how hot a gal is behind your wife's back. It's not appropriate for married men to be talking like that about other women - why? Because it feeds their comparison of their wives and their thoughts about other women. The Bible tells us to take every thought captive and make it obedient to Christ. If you said vows to a spouse before God, then I would think that your thoughts about other women need to be taken captive to obedience to the vow you made before God.

 

[musingsofacac]

ValleyGal,

Job 31:1, 9-11
“I made a covenant with my eyes not to look lustfully at a young woman....If my heart has been enticed by a woman, or if I have lurked at my neighbor’s door, then may my wife grind another man’s grain, and may other men sleep with her. For that would have been wicked, a sin to be judged."

The passage in job you site is referring to Job looking at a young woman who is pledged to be married. The Mosaic law goes into this situation in great detail of a man going after an engaged woman.

God's law only forbids man from looking at another man's wife, an engaged women, another man's female slave or servant and prostitutes to lust after them(fantasize about possessing them).

I thank God that my husband has followed in Job's example to make a covenant with his eyes. We talked about it once, and he said that when he finds himself thinking how attractive another woman is, he deliberately turns to look at me and appreciate my appearance. This way, no matter how old I get or how I look, I am the one he will be attracted to...iow, his "type" will always be my type. I have an incredible amount of respect for him for this.

I can respect your husbands choice based on his understanding of the Scriptures(which I disagree with that interpretation when you take the entirety of the OT and NT into consideration). But basically you have your husband training his mind to reject his naturally polygynous nature as sinful and he is conforming himself to unnatural mentally monogamous state.

I know we all have a sin nature if we do something like having sexual thoughts about another man's wife that would be following the sinful nature. But if a man has sexual thoughts about or desire toward a woman that is not off limits(engaged or married or a prostitute) the only way that can be wrong is if you believe the Bible states that polygyny is wrong. Then any polygynous thoughts a man would have would be sinful.

 

[musingsofacac]

Just because a couple of the patriarchs had multiple wives, doesn't mean it's right. In fact, the NT talks about the qualifications of an elder - the husband of one wife, and about how each woman and husband should have their own husband/wife, respectively.

As I mentioned in my previous post, it is important for married people to find their attraction in their spouse, without comparing to others. Comparing will find the spouse wanting and could become the start of disharmony and disunity between them. It's one thing to notice someone is attractive; it is another thing altogether to say "what a hottie" when your spouse is there, or talk about how hot a gal is behind your wife's back. It's not appropriate for married men to be talking like that about other women - why? Because it feeds their comparison of their wives and their thoughts about other women. The Bible tells us to take every thought captive and make it obedient to Christ. If you said vows to a spouse before God, then I would think that your thoughts about other women need to be taken captive to obedience to the vow you made before God.

Actually its more than a couple Patriarchs who had more than one wife. Abraham(more than just Hagar, when Sarah died he married a second wife and took on several concubines(married some his female slaves as wives)) Jacob had 4 wives who together formed the 4 mothers of the nation of Israel, David had probably around 20 wives, Gideon had many wives and over 70 children and one of God's prophets brought one of the good kings two women to be his wives.

The Mosaic Law regulated polygyny for a nation of millions and polygyny was so prevalent in Israel at the time of Christ that the Romans kept passing different laws over the next 300 years to try and eliminate polygyny in Israel.

A man can be attracted to more than one woman, yet still love his wife. He does not have to call her fat, or say why can't you be like this other woman. I still find my wife very attractive and I tell her so all the time, but I was honest and up front with her when we were dating and married that while I would never practice polygyny(thats for another topic) I will not look at my naturally polygynous nature as sinful.

I don't galk at other women or try to make her feel any less attractive. We do talk about movie stars that we feel are attractive but it goes no further than that. But I will not feel guilty because I glance in passing at another woman, or even if I had a thought in passing about an unmarried woman.

 

[ChristianGolfer]

The reason I say all that is to say that if you accept that most men have polygamous natures, it would be only natural for a man to be able to be attracted to multiple women at the same time. It changes the nature of the discussion. But in post-Roman western society we force men to hide their natures, to be ashamed of their natures and try and conform them to a more feminine approach to attraction and marriage(where women for the most part are naturally monogamous).

OK hit me everybody with your best shot!

If it was in men's nature to have more than one wife, why did God only create one woman for Adam?

 

[ChristianGolfer]

Also... the word is gawk. Galk is not a word.

 

[musingsofacac]

Also... the word is gawk. Galk is not a word.

Thanks - I am horrible speller.

 

[musingsofacac]

If it was in men's nature to have more than one wife, why did God only create one woman for Adam?

That is a mystery to me. Because the same God who gave Adam one wife gave to King David and King Joash multiple wives:

2 Samuel 12:7-8

Then Nathan said to David, “You are the man! This is what the Lord, the God of Israel, says: ‘I anointed you king over Israel, and I delivered you from the hand of Saul. 8 I gave your master’s house to you, and your master’s wives into your arms. I gave you all Israel and Judah. And if all this had been too little, I would have given you even more. 9 Why did you despise the word of the Lord by doing what is evil in his eyes? You struck down Uriah the Hittite with the sword and took his wife to be your own. You killed him with the sword of the Ammonites.

In 2 Samuel God literally states he gave David the wive's of Saul. If God did not agree with polygyny or it somehow violated his design why would he give David the wives of Saul? If was against his design why would he have regulated how polygyny was to occur?

2 Chronicles 24:2-4

2 Joash did what was right in the eyes of the Lord all the years of Jehoiada the priest. 3 Jehoiada chose two wives for him, and he had sons and daughters.
4 Some time later Joash decided to restore the temple of the Lord.

Again in 2 Chronicles we have the great King Joash who restores the temple of God. The high priest Jehoiada who was the voice of God to the King brought him two wives. If this was a violation of God's design why would he have his high priest bring Joash two wives?

God does not discourage monogamy, but he also does not limit marriage to monogamy. God gave Adam one wife, he gave David the wive(s) of Saul, and he gave Joash two wives through his high priest.

 

[ValleyGal]

I will not look at my naturally polygynous nature as sinful.

I don't galk at other women or try to make her feel any less attractive. We do talk about movie stars that we feel are attractive but it goes no further than that. But I will not feel guilty because I glance in passing at another woman, or even if I had a thought in passing about an unmarried woman.

Curious, then, why did you start the thread? What are you looking to get out of this conversation?

 

[ChristianGolfer]

That is a mystery to me. Because the same God who gave Adam one wife gave to King David and King Joash multiple wives:

Well it seems to me that if you want to talk about the nature of men, you have to look to the creation account. If God created men to have multiple wives (i.e. put it in their nature), surely He would have provided multiple wives to Adam. IOW, IMO, Genesis trumps Chronicles.

Remember that David and Josiah were both products of the post-fallen societies.

God allowed a lot of things under the Old Covenant that weren't His ideal. He operated within the culture a lot of the time, although it often went against His ultimate design.

God didn't even desire for the Israelites to have a king in the first place, He caved to their demands.

2 Chronicles 24:2-4
Again in 2 Chronicles we have the great King Joash who restores the temple of God. The high priest Jehoiada who was the voice of God to the King brought him two wives. If this was a violation of God's design why would he have his high priest bring Joash two wives?

God does not discourage monogamy, but he also does not limit marriage to monogamy. God gave Adam one wife, he gave David the wive(s) of Saul, and he gave Joash two wives through his high priest.

[/quote]

There is no indication in that passage that Jehoiada was acting on God's instructions.

With regard to David.... I can see how you can take that at literal face value and say that God said He gave all those wives to David. I read it a little more figuratively. I think the point God was making is that David had more wives than he needed already and he still went ahead and murdered a man to get another. In the sense that God gave David the kingdom, God could be credited with giving him all that went along with it. The Israelites followed the worldly pattern of kings with lots of wives to ensure an heir. Wives were thought of as property and ways to make alliances with other kings and powerful people. It seems to me that the lesson to be learned from that story isn't "God thinks it's okay to have multiple wives" but "keep your hands off of other men's wives."

Having multiple wives never seemed to bring any of those men happiness or anything good. Abraham ended up having to send Hagar away. Jacob's wives went behind his back to work out deals as to which would be with him and his sons were at odds with one another due in part to having different mothers. David faced grief because of Michal and Bathsheba and his children suffered ill consequences as a result, too (with his sons being at odds with one another, one son raping David's daughter, etc). The Bible says that Solomon's wives led him away from God and the so-called wisest man who ever lived ended his life worshiping false gods.

There are two times in the Bible when God played matchmaker. The first is Adam and Eve when He created the first couple (not group, lol). The second is Isaac and Rebekah. And Isaac had only Rebekah for a wife.

It seems to me that when God is really directing things, His plan is for a man to have one wife. Yes, He has allowed polygyny, even gone along with the culture in which it was practiced. But He also had rules about slavery even though through Jesus we have learned that God's heart is for all mankind to be equals.