Do you expect an apology from your spouse?

[Zeezaa1]

Hi all
The past few months, Ive really been feeling miserable in my marriage. I honestly feel as though my marriage is the other way around to the 'stereotype' nagging wife issue. My husband is the nit picker and fault finder. It has gotten to a point where he has nothing nice to say at all. Daily, he complains about things!
I do have to say that the things he complains about are minor things but when the complaints outweighs anything good, it starts to boil over.
Yesterday I tried to tell him how he has been making me feel but he turned it around as if it was all my fault and he has good reason for the things he says.
I left our argument feeling saddened and upset. He didnt even give me a chance to finish what I was saying.
This morning, he has been acting as if no fight ever occured. Yes he has been speaking to me with respect but I feel hurt that he never apologises. Clearly he feels he has been in the wrong so why does he not sit me down and say he is sorry.
Its always left hanging, until the next argument.

 

[JoeyChris]

Marriage can be difficult for us sensitive people who have (in our opinion) hypercritical spouses.

Early on in my marriage I had to make a conscious decision (to avoid repeating my own parents' marriage):
1. to forgive my husband when he said critical things to me.
2. Step mentally back - is what he saying valid, correct, even if it hurts my feelings?
If yes, God was using him to instruct me.
If no, look at step 1.

Now, of course there is a big difference between a critical spouse and a verbally abusive spouse. I am assuming your husband is the former type.

Turn to God for comfort and wisdom. Ask for His help to forgive your husband, whether he is correct in his criticism of you or not.

 

[LovebirdsFlying]

I've learned not to expect anything, an apology or otherwise. Having expectations leads to disappointment, and can come off as being controlling. I'm not saying it IS controlling, but that it can look that way. Also, apologies can easily be canceled out. If somebody growls out "I'm sorry" through clenched teeth, and then won't discuss it further because "I said I was sorry," then the conflict is not resolved. They're just using "I'm sorry" as magic words to make you shut up.

Critical people are perfectionists, and think everybody else is too. Naturally they're going to call attention to every little thing they think of as a flaw. They think we want to know about it, so we can "correct" it. And some might not even know they're being critical. Some people honestly don't know the difference between describing and judging. To their way of thinking, they could say "I don't like it when you leave dishes in the sink," but that's too many words. It's quicker to say "You're a slob," and be done with it.

It's troubling that you tried to discuss it with him, and he turned it on you. The next step from there would be to talk it over with a family therapist or your pastor. I know with my husband, sometimes I can say something and it flies right over him, but if our pastor or a deacon says the same thing, he listens.

 

[God bless Joshua]

Daily, he complains about things!

He needs to be grateful everyday.

 

[seeking.IAM]

My wife grew up in a family where people never did anything wrong, or so they seem to think. Consequently saying, "I'm sorry" is very difficult to roll off her tongue and comes neither readily or often. But, she is a good woman, she does listen, and she does change actions going forward if I point out something I wish she would or wouldn't do. I have come to accept that I am not going to hear an apology from her very often. I've come to consider it as a minor flaw, but I wouldn't trade her for anyone including a frequent apologizer. Would I like her to apologize more? Yes. Do I expect that she will? No.

Or could I just want her to apologize and admit she is wrong so in doing so she would admit I am right?

 

[A_Thinker]

Hi all
The past few months, Ive really been feeling miserable in my marriage. I honestly feel as though my marriage is the other way around to the 'stereotype' nagging wife issue. My husband is the nit picker and fault finder. It has gotten to a point where he has nothing nice to say at all. Daily, he complains about things!
I do have to say that the things he complains about are minor things but when the complaints outweighs anything good, it starts to boil over.
Yesterday I tried to tell him how he has been making me feel but he turned it around as if it was all my fault and he has good reason for the things he says.
I left our argument feeling saddened and upset. He didnt even give me a chance to finish what I was saying.
This morning, he has been acting as if no fight ever occured. Yes he has been speaking to me with respect but I feel hurt that he never apologises. Clearly he feels he has been in the wrong so why does he not sit me down and say he is sorry.
Its always left hanging, until the next argument.

The attitude of "I'm sorry" is much more valuable than just the words.

Husbands need to understand, however, that their wives need to HEAR their loving words every now and then. Perhaps you could get your husband to participate with you in a couple's ministry outing. These were invaluable to my wife and I in our marriage.

 

[Zeezaa1]

Thank you JoeyChris, Phoebe and Lovebirdsflying. I appreciate your responses.

I would say my husband is a crytical spouse, bordering on verbally abusive! He says some very insulting things to me at times, not often at all but when he does, its harsh!!!!!! Its normally when he is impatient. Just thinking about what he says brings tears to my eyes so I wouldnt even want to repeat it. I dont think he means to HURT my feelings as such but I think he wants a reaction out of me. I never react!

With regards to the cristism, sometimes he has a point, but I think, a person should ask themselves whether it is important to mention or not.
(e.g), I was telling him the other morning about our son's teacher and what kind words she had to say about him. (all this while giving my son his breakfast). It was as if he was on another planet and did not even hear or respond to what I had said. Instead.....when he spoke, he told me I was closing the cereal box wrong and that there is a way to close it and that I should look at the instructions.
Yes....he was right in saying that, as I WAS closing it wrong, but would it not have been more important to have responded to the conversation I was having with him about our son's teacher's kind words?? Its times like that when my blood starts to boil!

I told him yesterday that I never degrade him or say hurtful things, so he said I must stop being a mouse and say things that are on my mind. I dont consider myself a mouse, Im just kind and yes, sensitive.

I would LOVE to chat to a therapist or Pastor but Im such a private person. I really dont want to discuss my dirty laundry with people who I know personally, hence me joining this forum.

Thanks again for listening. It helps just getting it off my chest!

 

[HereIStand]

I'm surprised. Men usually have to apologize if they want to stay married. It's hard living with someone all the time though. Well, maybe it wasn't for Ron and Nancy Reagan.

 

[Zeezaa1]

Thanks SeekingIAM. I get what you are saying. Nor my husband or his mother ever apologise for anything, not even to eachother. The next day its just as if there were no fights.
Maybe I need to adopt the same attitude as you. He has been respectful today.....trying to be nice, obviously knows he has been wrong, so maybe I need to accept it. I would like to talk to him though because I feel he does not understand everything Im feeling due to him cutting me off!

 

[Zeezaa1]

A_Thinker, I think a lot of men need a bit of guidence on how words impact us women. Maybe going to a couples ministry might help. We wont need to discuss our issues but listen at least.

Btw, I imagined yesterday, him coming home with a bunch of flowers...........but that never happened

 

[A_Thinker]

I told him yesterday that I never degrade him or say hurtful things, so he said I must stop being a mouse and say things that are on my mind. I dont consider myself a mouse, Im just kind and yes, sensitive.

I would LOVE to chat to a therapist or Pastor but Im such a private person. I really dont want to discuss my dirty laundry with people who I know personally, hence me joining this forum.

You and your husband have different personalities, ... and he needs someone he respects to tell him that he can't expect you to be just like him, ... and that he needs to be more LOVING in his words to you.

It's not about airing your dirty laundry ... it's about getting him to listen to wise counsel ...

 

[A_Thinker]

A_Thinker, I think a lot of men need a bit of guidence on how words impact us women. Maybe going to a couples ministry might help. We wont need to discuss our issues but listen at least.

Btw, I imagined yesterday, him coming home with a bunch of flowers...........but that never happened

I learned a lot from just listening in couple's ministry outings. One couple's running disagreement is that neither of them liked to do yard work, ... yet they had a yard. Once they each clearly heard how the other felt about the situation, they resolved to work together to work it out. Sometimes, it's that simple.

BTW, they usually make the experience fun and enjoyable (with food and fun activities, as well).

Sometimes, just spending time with other couples who have successful relationships will help, as well. None of us knows inherently how to handle our relationships. It's just like learning how to raise a child. We can learn from those who have done it well ... and are doing it successfully.

P.S. Does he ever bring flowers ?

 

[*LILAC]

My husband used to apologize to me all the time, early in our marriage. Even for things he wasn't sure about but he would do it anyway because he wanted to keep me happy and not see me upset over anything. I sure miss those days! lol Nowadays if I'm in a funk and IF he notices and if we've had a spat and he has somehow brushed it off (I don't get how people can do that, but they do!) he hasn't put it together that it was hurtful and an apology would've been nice. It seems like he loses interest and consideration for his wife and that's hurtful. Best thing to do is talk it out.

 

[Zeezaa1]

P.S. Does he ever bring flowers ?

Nope, never has out of the ordinary. I guess that was just wishful thinking
Only on my birthday occasionally.

He runs his own business, always stressed out, so I think his mind is always on other things! I think he brings his stress home.
We have been married for 10years so I think we are drifting. We need to get back on track but he needs to realise what is happening before its too late. He wasnt like this when we got married.

 

[JoeyChris]

Thank you JoeyChris, Phoebe and Lovebirdsflying. I appreciate your responses.

I would say my husband is a crytical spouse, bordering on verbally abusive! He says some very insulting things to me at times, not often at all but when he does, its harsh!!!!!! Its normally when he is impatient. Just thinking about what he says brings tears to my eyes so I wouldnt even want to repeat it. I dont think he means to HURT my feelings as such but I think he wants a reaction out of me. I never react!

With regards to the cristism, sometimes he has a point, but I think, a person should ask themselves whether it is important to mention or not.
(e.g), I was telling him the other morning about our son's teacher and what kind words she had to say about him. (all this while giving my son his breakfast). It was as if he was on another planet and did not even hear or respond to what I had said. Instead.....when he spoke, he told me I was closing the cereal box wrong and that there is a way to close it and that I should look at the instructions.
Yes....he was right in saying that, as I WAS closing it wrong, but would it not have been more important to have responded to the conversation I was having with him about our son's teacher's kind words?? Its times like that when my blood starts to boil!

I told him yesterday that I never degrade him or say hurtful things, so he said I must stop being a mouse and say things that are on my mind. I dont consider myself a mouse, Im just kind and yes, sensitive.

I would LOVE to chat to a therapist or Pastor but Im such a private person. I really dont want to discuss my dirty laundry with people who I know personally, hence me joining this forum.

Thanks again for listening. It helps just getting it off my chest!

With my parents I learned to tell difference between critical and verbally abusive.
Critical father telling mother:
* what she was doing wrong (in tactless manner)
* needed improving in a certain area (in tactless manner)
*not listening carefully enough to pick up that she was asking for emotional support, not practical advice

Verbally abusive mother:
*attacked his character/ personal failings, bringing some up from years ago as ammunition
* ensured words were used for attack, not constructive criticism
* expressed some shallow words of "I am sorry" (unlike my father who did not apologise), but still continued to justify the rage

In general, my father was trying to improve things but managed to be too objective/ tactless.
My mother would bottle negative emotions until in rage she said things to destroy my father to regain power/ get revenge.

If your husband is similar to my father, his motives are generally good but he is insensitive in his delivery of criticism.

If he is a thinking personality type of person you have to deliver your message in his language or dialect. He doesn't think in feelings. Use objective, measurable, observable statements. E.g. if he is a problem-solver by personality, present your dilemna with son as wish for his input on how you can work together to improve things. Men seem to appreciate respect a lot.

If you only want to talk about feelings about son, by sounds of it female sympathy is what you need. Sometimes you just can't get everything from your spouse, unlike soapies/ romantic novels claim.

Now about husband and stress- my husband went through a very stressful scenario at work last year. He had too much on his plate to hear about my problems. He even showed signs of depression towards end of year. Perhaps YOU need to be a pillar of strength for your husband right now?

 

[meyerjd]

I've been able to forgive my wife through two affairs, a pregnancy/abortion caused by by a friend of mine, and her very focused effort to present me in the worst possible light at all times. As for an apology, she's never given me one, nor would I expect one. I love our children and feel very rewarded by my work.

 

[LovebirdsFlying]

If you already know this information, I don't mean to insult your intelligence. I'll leave it here generally for anybody else who could benefit by reading it.

Just for what it's worth, I don't see a confidential discussion with a pastor or therapist as airing dirty laundry. It's part of their job. We can't always work these things out by ourselves.

I would not, however, recommend discussing marital problems with any other third party you know personally. (Coming here to this forum, where it's as anonymous as you wish, is fine. I do that myself.)

Family would feel forced to choose sides, whether you are asking them to or not. Your family could start disrespecting and undermining him. His family would be defensive, and might turn on you.

A same-sex friend may start commiserating with you. "Oh, isn't it frustrating how men are? Here is what mine does that annoys me." Even if it starts out innocent, soon the conversation slips into comparing "horrible husband" stories, and that is not productive at all. In fact, it's destructive.

An opposite-sex friend, well, that's almost dangerous. He may misunderstand your intentions, thinking you're unhappy with your marriage, and that can lead to all kinds of places you didn't want to go.

So yes, get professional support if you can't talk it over with your husband directly. But make sure it is with somebody who is trained to deal with it.

 

[Gwen-is-new!]

Hi all
The past few months, Ive really been feeling miserable in my marriage. I honestly feel as though my marriage is the other way around to the 'stereotype' nagging wife issue. My husband is the nit picker and fault finder. It has gotten to a point where he has nothing nice to say at all. Daily, he complains about things!
I do have to say that the things he complains about are minor things but when the complaints outweighs anything good, it starts to boil over.
Yesterday I tried to tell him how he has been making me feel but he turned it around as if it was all my fault and he has good reason for the things he says.
I left our argument feeling saddened and upset. He didnt even give me a chance to finish what I was saying.
This morning, he has been acting as if no fight ever occured. Yes he has been speaking to me with respect but I feel hurt that he never apologises. Clearly he feels he has been in the wrong so why does he not sit me down and say he is sorry.
Its always left hanging, until the next argument.

This is hard, and I feel your pain! I am 99.9% sure that husbands/men don't apologize (well maybe early in the marriage as Lilac mentioned).. BUT it doesn't mean they aren't sorry! Look for other ways he demonstrates it and believe the best in him. Don't succumb to his negativity and critical spirit. Be strong in the Lord and in His mighty power! Extend grace to him. It seems that a lot of people who can't tame their tongues are just dang miserable and are being led by their flesh... which stinks!

 

[RedPonyDriver]

You can do what I did...I sat him down and told him that under no circumstances would he speak to me that way. He could either respect me or get out. I didn't care which one he chose. Then I walked away. He tried to talk to me in that nasty tone of voice, blaming me for stuff. I turned around and reminded him again, respect or get out. He got the message.