Do you even think you missed out?

[beetlequeendiva]

All of those people who were abused as children - do you ever feel like you missed out on things?

 

[Ssarl]

Not at all. I still never feel that it's wrong when somebody does the wrong thing by me. I never feel like I've had a hard lot. And I'm not talking about little things. I shrug off death threats. I've had anaphylactic attacks (an allergic reaction that kills in minutes if untreated) and just gone to school the next day and been like 'meh'. I recall that I've never had the experience of somebody giving me something, I mean without condition, just because they thought I might like to have it... I have periods where I'm convinced everybody hates me, and I'm like 'so what?'. I just don't *care*. The way I see it, it's the done thing, it's what I deserve.

It's a hard attitude to break. Being a heartless robot is a great way to survive, but a terrible way to live. I *want* to care. I would dearly love to be able to cry. I would love to actually *want* something. I am so used to being cheated that I supress my emotions and my desires... it's not healthy.

What does make me sad is when people are kind to me. I don't understand or trust it. When I hear that a person likes me and cares about me, I just think 'for how long?'. When people try to give me things, all I want to do is pay them back and apologise; because that's the only way I've known it to work. I'm given something, and I have to appreciate it. I have to be good enough for it. Inevitably, I won't be, because I always screw up somehow. So now I just don't want to receive anything, I've never found it pleasant. The only way I've found joy in is giving, so I give, and give, and give, and never ask for anything for myself.

This morning was classic. When I got my first job, I decided I would pledge the first grand to charity. First time I've ever had my own money in my entire life, and all I want to do is get rid of it (which, it turned out, is very difficult, because when they designed the student account it was kind of assumed you weren't going to give anyone anything). I haven't spent a cent of it on myself and I feel awfully guilty even thinking about doing that. I'm there praying that God would work it out so I can make this offering... and yet I can't even bring myself to eat breakfast. It took me like half an hour to force myself, feeling horrible because I don't deserve food.

I haven't been good this week (read: I've been practically comatose from trauma and haven't done my work), and I still feel like I have to be punished for it. I have two essays due, which objectively I know I can do, but there is *no* confidence, so I'm freaking out, avoiding them, and being unkind to myself. I could perfectly validly get a medical certificate, but I still feel like a liar when I get those, because I was told I was a fraud with no excuse when it happened in senior. (Actually, I'm a genius. It just so happens that I *can* still write brilliantly when I'm just about on the point of psychiatric breakdown)

When I hear that God loves me, I interpret it the only way I've known. Love was always something that had to be earned. If I was bad, my parents wouldn't love me - not because they were bad people, but they just couldn't, I wasn't worthy, it wasn't possible. More often than not, I get scared about how unworthy I am and end up just asking Him to stop.

It was never the message that I was bad that hurt me. I just accept that. It was the way they told me I was hurting them by being so bad. How I was making their lives so hard. I still feel that way about everybody, I'm always out to protect people. So often I just want to disappear so that I won't make anybody sad any more. But I know that would make things worse for my friends, so I don't.

Eek. That was a mighty spleen-vent, that. Why God seems so persistent that I should develop an interest in my well-being, I don't understand. I have now accepted it as truth that He does love me and want good things for me. It's *liking* it that's going to be tricky. Last night he challenged me to pray for myself, to ask Him for something good and He promised He would deliver it. I just couldn't do it. I talk to Him every day, praising Him and interceding for others, but I still don't want to ask.

I want music again. That's what it would be, if I had the guts to want it. Something, somewhere, someone to play with. I haven't had that for about three years now, and I miss it terribly. I worked up the courage once to show up to the university orchestra, and even though I could do it, I'm not technically qualified, so I'm not allowed in. I just figure I'm not good enough for it. According to all the feedback I've ever heard, I'm good. Could be brilliant if I actually had even the slightest formal schooling rather than purely riding my natural ability. I just don't know any more.

 

[Velcro]

do you ever feel like you missed out on things?

Yes, I missed out on a lot of things. Unlike Ssarl, I was not smart enough, commanding enough, nor demanding enough to go after what I wanted in spite of the abuse. She sucked the life out of me.

Just three examples:

• She taught me to live lies, tell lies, and manipulate through both word and action. She commanded me to do those things. I wasted many years unlearning these and often still question my own actions and responses.
• She could only live in one place for a little while before her honeymoon period with it was over, and she would become a personal loose cannon with her friends, neighbors, and the congregation. Once she realized that everyone was on to her, she would "call father into the ministry" in another place, and we would have to move. Then the process would begin again. By doing this, we were also kept from family members. I have no concept whatsoever of family, and I have not yet learned how to let people into my life. When they start getting too close, I cut them off.
• She taught me that the human touch hurts. She took away the pleasure others feel when they are touched.

But she also gave me many gifts:

• The final item above has helped me not to feel pain as much as others do. That has been a blessing.
• She encouraged me to draw. Maybe it was because then, she had something I could do that made her proud; regardless, drawing has brought me much pleasure.
• I learned to have a sense of humor, because she had one sometimes. Or maybe I learned that one from my siblings.
• When I was a child, I was always the best in my class at dodgeball. it took me a while to realize that she had taught me how when she would throw boxes, dresser drawers, and heavy books books at me. Hey! Laugh! It really is kind of funny! I enjoyed a period of championship!
• I said, "She sucked the life out of me." Well, she used to, but I now have life, because she didn't abort me. Because I have life, I have experienced joy.

 

[Godsgirl481]

All of those people who were abused as children - do you ever feel like you missed out on things?

Yes, a normal childhood....

 

[alilsa]

Yes, I missed out on alot of stuff. I never knew a dad's love. I never felt safe or really loved. I was told that I would never amount to anything and I was more trouble than I was worth. I felt the cold hard feeling of aloneness and nobody cares. For candy or attention, I accepted getting touched and sexually molested by dad's friends. I never was close to my family either. Father's Day is coming soon and I hate Father's Day, there is nothing to celebrate. I felt so bad hearing the stories at church from others how wonderful their dads had been. I have alot of trouble relating to God as a loving Heavenly Father that would always love me or even want me and never walk out on me like everybody else did. I still miss out becuase I feel like such a misfit, reject and have trouble letting anybody close. I have no close friends. I don't trust people very well and have trouble trusting God.

 

[beetlequeendiva]

Yes, I missed out on alot of stuff. I never knew a dad's love. I never felt safe or really loved. I was told that I would never amount to anything and I was more trouble than I was worth. I felt the cold hard feeling of aloneness and nobody cares. For candy or attention, I accepted getting touched and sexually molested by dad's friends. I never was close to my family either. Father's Day is coming soon and I hate Father's Day, there is nothing to celebrate. I felt so bad hearing the stories at church from others how wonderful their dads had been. I have alot of trouble relating to God as a loving Heavenly Father that would always love me or even want me and never walk out on me like everybody else did. I still miss out becuase I feel like such a misfit, reject and have trouble letting anybody close. I have no close friends. I don't trust people very well and have trouble trusting God.

Wow you said exactly what I wanted to say - i always have that problem with not having a dad!!!

 

[invisiblebabe]

Yes, I often feel like I missed out on normal social and emotional development, as well as healthy peer relationships when I was younger.

 

[John of Berkshire]

I have problems trusting others. I have trouble expressing myself and getting close. I have/had few friends and girlfriends. In so far as my off-the-internet life is concerned, I am a loner.

Was this caused by my past? I can be sure that it had a lot to do with it.

 

[beetlequeendiva]

I too have massive trust issues, as well as MAJORLY low self-esteem and image problems!!! And I do believe that they all come as a result of the abuse!!! I missed out on being able to feel good about myself because I was given so much pain that I thought it was all i deserved

 

[dusky_tresses]

Yes I did miss out. I missed out on being able to trust and act like regular children and I also had to force myself to grow up a lot faster than most people my age. I was already taking on responsibilities and the mentality of an 18-year old when I was 12.

 

[phoenix_kid82]

Yes. It makes me kinda sad sometimes, but i can't afford to have regrets. I believe God gives us an advantage through it somehow, like a really powerful weapon against the enemy, although He never intended bad things for us.

In a nutshell, i'm still convinced my mum hated me. She had post-natal depression and alot of abuse issues herself. She's settled down, but still very toxic, as are my 4 sisters. My dad is a good bloke, but not very reliable. My brother was very dominant and intimidating.

I do feel i had to grow up too quickly in many ways. I've been judged very harshly, specially as a kid, and one day at about 13 or 14, i realised that for my family to accept let alone love me would be IMPOSSIBLE. So it's like i started inventing myself, re-inventing the new me, challenging many beliefs and doubts i had about myself. It was quite a liberating time, as well as intensly painful because i was becoming very ill mentally and the worse it got, the more my mum ignored me. This has always been the case, even after i was in hospital, even today. Now, i don't know how to ask for help in a healthy way, i feel like i'm lying or something, like i mustn't deserve help when i'm on the verge of suicide because i'm not suicidal or screwed up enough, or i must be attention seeking.

I moved out (or rather, got kicked out, not the first time) when i was 14.

I hate women. Sorry, but generally, i think i still do. Well, i find it much harder to connect with women than men, i'm alot more comfortable connecting with guys. And i can't stand *****iness/gossip/having to figure ppl out with manipulative games. I thought i wanted to be a boy when i was a kid. And the females in my family and at my school were horrible to me. I felt close to my dad, and i had guy friends later on, heaps more than female friends, and alot of crushes from a very early age.

I really came out of my shell for awhile, but caved in again when i just burned out and got sick of psyching myself up. I smoked pot, dropped out of school, flipped out one day, never been the same since...

I do feel like i haven't been able to be a child. And i'm always trying to be my best, always trying to have a mature mind set, the right attitudes, talk with big words. I just don't give myself a break.

 

[Yasha]

You guys all seem to have done a lot of soul searching. I think, for openers, God LOVES broken vessels and can do a lot more with the don't-know-all-the-answers crowd. There's like a thread of contrite humility that underlies these posts.

I'll try, but mine is hard for me...this honesty thing in accepting myself as a victim is new to me. My husband has been showing me how my tongue has fallen over the years. I never even used to fight back. I was SHOCKED that anyone could be so wild and get away with it like him. He was so downright unconventional in all things that I found him exciting, handsome, sexy and charming! As time passed though, that which I thought was courage was just plain rage....what I thought was charming was just plain seduction and deception( and, so it went...a lot of showy maladies to hide his really enormous pain.) He was then, though, and still is infectiously boyish and FUNNY! and....I couldn't BELIEVE that he could be so MEAN ...unkindness was a headliner in him that began to come out more and more as time passed... The years next to neglect and verbal abuse have taken their toll on me. When asked by counselors his opinion on feelings toward people who oppose him, I have heard him say with no remorse, "I just want to squash them, destroy them." He is vengeful to a fault...which I am strangely absent of in my make-up.

I'm NOT who I once was, though. Someways, that's good; I DON'T arrogantly think I can fix anybody anymore by being anything in my own strength. Someways, that's bad; I just plain have eroded into a helpless puddle of pain when attacked, I have started to attack back, verbally. I only do this, ever with my husband...I can't think of one other person who can create this in me...but, I just can't take anymore years of it. He HAS to grow faster, and I know he can't! I pray ALOT because I know it is wrong to fall down into this hole!

I live mostly without affection. My husband has 'broken reach' from the abuse he endured. We have been working on this for the 23years we have known each other, but he is pretty stuck. He initiates very little. If I don't make sexual advances, there are none. Ever. I could wait for months and years on end...he will not come to me. It makes you feel unwanted after many years of it. You just die for the day that you would be pursued. It can be a problem for me. So, I go real empty in the 'skin hunger' department. My son can't stand to watch it...he says God has to be the one that makes it possible for me to stay here.

I am a finisher, by nature...I love to finish a thing, it is the only part that makes all efforts worthwhile to me...the payoff of final satisfaction. As a guy with 'broken reach' beginning is an issue. My husband gets extremely anxious at the onset of new things. He becomes agitated and verbally abusive and downright beside himself. So, I have to have a hypervigilance to support him during our projects. He used to finish nothing, either, in the beginning of our marriage, in the beginning of his whole life. I learned he was a runner, a quitter, always breaking at the wire. But, now he actually has become a finisher...The Lord conquered that one well for him. There actually was a long period of years when my husband couldn't spend ANY time alone. He couldn't sit still, at all. He would hover over you if you were busy and pace and clean incessantly. These areas, too, are conquered in the Lord. Hallelujah.(These things do show change and improvement over time, by the by).

I am an artist, a writer, a reader, a student, a gardner, a photographer ...many of these pretty solitary pursuits. My husband is sooooo jealous of my time and attention. He hollers at me from another room to come and sit with him at night...I can't work on things. While I sit there, he is very verbally abusive, often, must be about 70 times a day. He sees the world as never perfect or clean enough...an effort to control the outside of the cup...and he comments on everything negative. If I accomplished 4 big projects in a day...he doesn't see them. He comes home every night from work and within 2 minutes he has said a sarcastic thing about something he sees undone coming in the driveway or after scanning the rooms entering the house.

I do without praise or thankfulness coming from his lips by his own volition all our married life(16 years). Fortunately, I have learned to soothe and praise myself in ways...sounds funny, but necessary. I'm so busy praising, trying to be an example, that it makes me feel pretty good, more than you would think it could.

I have no kids of my own, a very important hope to me at one time that I had to give up, but, have wonderful beloved stepchildren from two different mothers and a grandson. My jobs as a Mom have been more demanding than some, because of the family concerns....and assuredly less than some, too.

Like all of you, the family on my husbands's side is very fractured and broken to pieces. There are abusers for generations back, through both maternal and paternal bloodlines. All my husband's siblings were abused by multiple family members from grandparents, stepparents, parents, siblings, halfbrothers and halfsisters...it's a real mess...like many of you. So, what once only existed on TV until I was in my twenties, is now everywhere around me. Counseling, suicide attempts, perpetrators and victims, beloved and resented ones, substance abuse to kill the pain...blurred by lies, secracies and disputes...these are my family members. Just like you all.

I come from a nuclear family...one of everything and to the death, ya know? I didn't know I was getting into all this, but God did. In some ways I am tailor made for this placement. In other's I have been forged by it. I tell you what, it's like only a person with a pretty solid foundation could live here and be willing to stay. So, when God gave me a picturebook childhood, He had a plan.

[font=Arial, Geneva, Helvetica]The New American Standard Bible [/font]

[font=Arial, Geneva, Helvetica]Luke 12 Read This Chapter[/font][font=Arial, Geneva, Helvetica]12:48 but the one who did not know it, and committed deeds worthy of a flogging, will receive but few. From R607 everyone who has been given much, much will be required; and to whom they entrusted much, of him they will ask all the more. [/font]

Basically, I missed out on little to barely nothing as a child....I am missing out now. Missing the world I was raised in. A world of safety and trust and nurture. A world where children were bold and adventurous and knew little fear...fell asleep lazily all around the house and slept undisturbed by violence or abuse. I miss what I was raised to be, or so I thought. I try everyday to recreate it for my wounded heroes. They try to come there, too, for me. They know how sad and lonely I am in this broken land and they love me for staying ...and sometimes, hate me. And, I wouldn't know how to leave, now. Because I have become one of them...I, too, in less horrible, but very real ways...am abused.

ONLY Jesus, loves me well here. My son, loves best because I have worked so hard to help him learn love through Jesus and he wants to learn (but, then he suffers like I do in his father's company). My daughter is a bit of an unknown (though she seems very sweet, she wasn't raised by us and we are still getting to know each other). BOTH are better than their father at it, who suffered the most abuse .....my grandson, he is the hope of a new thing in this family. My son, is a light and a life that I see rising above all that came before him....but, he has been very harmed on his mother's side as well and has much to overcome. He grieves that he comes from such broken parents and calls me the best thing that ever happened to him. My husband, God bless him, is a chain breaker. He never abused his kids physically....he is a verbal abuser and a bitter guy, he does go to counseling....the day is dawning, slow but sure, in Jesus. Christians all, we are Christians all.

 

[KittiK]

I missed out on alot of things....happiness, unconditional love, faith in myself, trust, a life. these things I am still trying to gain back, partly because I didn't know until recently that they were missing. I have rights I wasn't taught I had. I have a life that is mine to live, I can tell who over is talking that I don't want to hear it....and guess what! I don't!
It's amazing really.

I didn't take a few opportunities because I knew 'they' wouldn't like it, they would make it hard on me, they would just take it away. so why try? that was a big battle for me. there's no sense in trying because it was all going to disappear anyway.
I still have problems with that, but at least now it has a name and a face.

 

[forgivenmuch]

Yes! I Missed Out On Growing Up With My Mom And Dads Love. Haveing A Normal Childhood. Having Friends That Would Come To My House For A Sleep Over. Having Hot Water As A Child. Having Good Clothes To Go To School With. Being An Equal In The World. Having No Food Or Lights And Sometimes Water. My Childhood Was Very Bad. Having To Live In Fear. I Missed Outon So Much .. If Anyone Has Truely Been Abused .. They Would Say Yes They Did. I Wished I Was Never Born So Many Times .. As A Child. But God Has Healed Me. Thru Counsling And His Word. Im Ever Growing More In God. The Only Thing That I Had For Me Was My Brothers And Sisters.
They Knew What I Was Feeling They Lived It Too. 4 Brothers And 3 Sisters One Thing That I Can Say, You Could Never Seperate Us. We Are Close And We Always Will Be.

 

[luv4godremains]

Yes, I missed out on alot of stuff. I never knew a dad's love. I never felt safe or really loved. I was told that I would never amount to anything and I was more trouble than I was worth. I felt the cold hard feeling of aloneness and nobody caresI never was close to my family either. Father's Day is coming soon and I hate Father's Day, there is nothing to celebrate. I felt so bad hearing the stories at church from others how wonderful their dads had been. I have alot of trouble relating to God as a loving Heavenly Father that would always love me or even want me and never walk out on me like everybody else did. I still miss out becuase I feel like such a misfit, reject and have trouble letting anybody close. I have no close friends. I don't trust people very well and have trouble trusting God.

dats completely how i feel too. It's really hard to accept anyone as yuor Dad if you have never had a good experience of it with your own Dad. It's really hard to trust anyone to let them get close when you have been abused, I have been physically, sexually, and emotionally abused, so I really don't trust anyone unless i know them, or know that I am safe!

 

[Moonfisher]

Yes, I missed out on a lot. I went from a dysfunctional and abusive family of origin to an even more abusive and dysfunctional marriage. At my urging, tens of thousands of dollars, literally, was spent on Christian counseling during the 26 yr long course of this marriage-from-hell. Not a single counselor even came close to helping us; rather, without exception they made it demonstrably worse. Now my husband is divorcing me, and I am coping with a lot of resentment toward all those Christian counselors who took our money by the bucketload yet ended up doing so much harm. I have since learned a lot about the underlying problems of the marriage, and I don't understand why, if I can learn about things like personality disorders and co-dependency, not one of those highly paid Christian counselors could educate themselves about them. As with others who have posted, I have major trust problems, even of God. In my heart I know He loves me, but it's hard to look around and see other people who seem to have been loved by someone or other from the time they were born. My parents were too screwed up to love me, and my husband was the most abusive person I have ever heard of, barring husbands who've gone so far as to actually murder their wives or children. My husband actively sabotaged my friendships, and even now that he's out of the house, establishing close and trustworthy relationships seems like an uphill battle. I know God has a plan in all this, and He has massively gifted me in certain areas, for which I am genuinely humbled and grateful. Still it's hard, and yes, I definitely missed out on a LOT.

 

[Velcro]

Bless you, Moonfisher. And welcome!

 

[shazabella]

I may have had what people call a perfect childhood with everything my heart desired and more but i wasn't happy what i wanted was when i got home after school some reassurance that dad wasn't going to get cranky and hurt me. I would have given up all of the stuff he bought me including attending an exclusive private school for that reassurance that was i was safe. He put his hands around my throat and then the next day bought me a brandnew laptop to shut me up

I may have had everything material wise but i missed out on SO much emotionally and security wise. I have no idea how to trust people , i have no idea how to expect a guy to treat me - when i get yelled at by anyone i think they are going to treat me the way dad did , at the age of 16 i thought my life was worth nothing and at the age of 17 some stupid guy proved it.

I turn 19 in 5 days time and i think the thing i missed out on was just having a normal life with a mummy and daddy who loved me and respected me.

- Shaz

 

[Truly Blessed]

Yup, all of it!

 

[phoenix_kid82]

Hey Shabella, happy birthday!

And i'd like to also pray for everyone who contributed to or identified with this thread:

Dear God,

We thank you that you are our Father, we thank you that you are everything to us, everything that we need, and any kind of poverty that we have suffered, i pray that you fill our hearts with the riches of your Word and your Holy Spirit.

I pray that we are able to stand, healed and whole, lacking no good thing, and somehow we will be stronger for it. And God, i pray that if there is any pain and bitterness that is troubling us about the things we did not have, even the things we don't realise we are still without, Father i pray that you will fill every void, heal every wound, and that you will raise us up to be leaders, with so much love inside us, with so much forgiveness, having given and experienced it from you, and that you will make our faith solid, that we can have compassion when we recognise our old pain in the eyes of others, we can show them the love and compassion that you showed us.

And Father, i thank you that we are all one body, intertwined in eachothers lives, with our own functions, held together by your love and love for eachother, and that we are all in this together. When one part is hurting, we are all affected, and when one part rejoices, we all rejoice.

We love you God.

In Jesus name we pray,

amen