Do parents teach you how to lie?

[suzybeezy]

My personal pet peeve is someone who lies. I really have no patience for lying. I seen a program recently that claimed parents were to blame when their kids lie. They stated it was a learned behavior, one a child learns from their parents example.

They refereced these four basic reasons for lying:
1. To Hide a misdeed or Get what you want
2. Basic white lie - to be polite & kind to others
3. Lie to make yourself look better
4. To hurt someone intentionally.


So what do you think, do you learn how to lie from your parents?

 

[spaceddivstud]

hmm I don't think its just from parents that kids learn to lie though it must be part of the matter:

if parents lie to their kids then that is a bad example (and I think a lot do - even if it seems harmless, if kids pick up that their parents lie to them then I reckon its pretty damaging), if their parents lie to each other that is also going to set a bad example.

I think parents need to emphasize from an early age the importance of honesty, just as they need to emphasize the importance of other moral behaviours.

However, kids mostly seem to have a natural instinct for some level of dishonesty. I think sometimes when kids are scared of being told off they lie - maybe if parents and teachers are careful to reward honesty from kids with no telling off or less severe punishment anyway. If children think that they will be worse off if an adult finds out something they've done then they are more likely to try and conceal it.

Kids also learn off each other and from every situation. Nothing is ever completely the parents fault but often they are partially to blame. However, perfect parenting is far from possible and every kid will learn some bad habits - its just best to encourage them in positive behaviours from a young age.

 

[NailsII]

I remember watching an article on this a number of years ago (sorry, can't find a link but I will look for further details).
Basically, psychologists took a small number of pre-schools (around 18 months to 3 years old) and placed them alone in a room with a camara. They were told to wait there for a few moments while the researcher collected something they had 'forgotten' and told not to look at the object hidden under a blanket on a table.
The vast majority looked, and then when asked most of these lied. Those that looked and lied were generally more advanced than those who either didn't look or told the truth; suggesting that lying when you know you can get a way with it is possibly an innate behavioural trait.
It is possible that these children had learned to lie from their parents, but I would consider it unlikely.
What this doesn't try to explain is why adults tell lies, which is what i think you were really getting at.
Whilst there is an evolutionary advantage to deception, I would propose that most people who lie have got away with it in the past and so the behaviour is re-inforced by reward.
NB - there as pathological liars, and i will not pretend to understand the cause of this one little bit.

 

[Robbie_James_Francis]

Perhaps, to an extent, we learn lying and dishonesty from parents, guardians and older relatives.

Perhaps they are not always wrong in doing so. I'm sure we're all aware that children have a greater tendency to tell the naked truth when it is socially inept to do so. I mean, if a child overhears plans for a surprise party, I think the parents would be perfectly in line to advise him or her both not to mention it, and to lie if questioned. We all lie throughout our lives, and it is something children should (and inevitably will) become accustomed to.

A lot of the reasons, though, seem quite instinctual. As human beings, we have a natural tendency to self-preservation and to seek the path of least resistance socially. So if telling the truth is going to lead to negative consequences for ourselves, we naturally want to lie. And if telling the truth is going to lead to causing harm to other people, we are again going to want to lie.

Personally, I don't think lying is categorically wrong. I think most of us can agree on this in extreme cases. For example, if someone comes to your door and asks for a certain individual you happen to be harbouring, and you know that person wants to murder the person inside your house, you are not only permitted but obliged to lie and say you are not harbouring anyone.

However, I think lying can be permissible and even more favourable even in more everyday circumstances. If a friend or family member, for example, has committed a pretty victimless misdemeanour like cheating in a test, petty vandalism or recreational drug use, I for one would choose loyalty over truthfulness.

 

[suzybeezy]

yeah I'm sure there's some lying kids just do, but what explains why they keep lying when they become adults? Is that not a learned behavior from their parents?

 

[NailsII]

yeah I'm sure there's some lying kids just do, but what explains why they keep lying when they become adults? Is that not a learned behavior from their parents?

Maybe it continues because it wasn't eradicated by the parents - not quite the same thing though.
Unless pathalogical, behaviour tends to be reinforced if it offers a benefit or avoids a punishment and so can become habitual.

Kids still peel the wallpaper when told not to, the punishment has to be adequate to prevent them doing it again otherwise it continues until they grow out if it.

 

[Robbie_James_Francis]

yeah I'm sure there's some lying kids just do, but what explains why they keep lying when they become adults? Is that not a learned behavior from their parents?

I'd say most of it lasts because as adults we all still have the basic drives for self-preservation and harmony with those around us.

If anything, there's more reason to lie as an adult as social relationships become more numerous, more nuanced and more sensitive and the responsibility we have for preserving our own lives and well-being increases.

 

[flicka]

Lying is learned through basic socialization. It's a useful skill, and often a necessary one.

I'm not saying that lying just for the sake of lying is a good idea or that people should purposely be deceitful, but everyone lies. And usually there is a perfectly legitimate and innocent reason for doing so. It's not the lie, but the intent that needs to be judged.

 

[cantata]

yeah I'm sure there's some lying kids just do, but what explains why they keep lying when they become adults? Is that not a learned behavior from their parents?

After childhood ends, we're not blind little machines simply carrying out the behaviour that our parents taught us. The rational person judges when to lie and when to be honest according to the circumstances. Compulsive liars probably do learn the behaviour in childhood (not necessarily from their parents, although their parents may inadvertently reinforce or reward lying behaviour), but most people, who lie occasionally, do it on the basis of when it is most convenient to lie rather than to tell the truth.

 

[gwenmead]

Well... my folks taught me a great deal about honesty and dishonesty, but I don't know that I'd say that they taught me to lie, per se. I should note, though, that I grew up in an alcoholic family, so everyone's concept of truth or reality was constantly shifting, based on the demands of the alcoholic at any given time. I could tell the truth about something one day and be praised for my honesty, then tell the truth about the same thing the next day and be punished for "telling lies". But I've never been that good at telling outright lies, so I can't say my folks "taught" me to lie. What my childhood did teach me was how to conceal the truth when it was self-protective to do so.

In healthy families, I've noted that the kids tend to go through a phase when they're around preschool age where they try on outrageous lies, maybe to see if they can get away with it, or to save face, or who knows. I suppose that what they learn about lying at that point depends on how their folks react to the lies - do they get away with it? Do their parents think it's cute? Do they shame or humiliate the child? Do they expose the lie and how? Stuff like that.

You ask, also, why some people continue to lie into adulthood. I've known a few pathological liars in my time, including my alcoholic parent; without exception, they all lied because it served them to do so. It either protected them from painful truths about themselves that they didn't want to know, or it allowed them to get away with morally questionable behavior that they found pleasurable or useful, or it allowed them to create a faux persona so that people wouldn't reject their real selves. I've known a couple of people who used lying as part of plan to use other people to get what they wanted (money, security, religious conversion, sex, etc.). I've known at least one guy who lied even when there wasn't any reason to lie, just because he could. Maybe it gave him a sense of control, in that he was able to control what information people got from him. Who knows.

All this is just from personal experience, though, and it's mostly speculation. I'm no expert here so I offer it only as food for thought, not definitive answers.

 

[WatersMoon110]

Most people lie, adults and children. I heard on NPR (I'll try to track down the study) that people lie about two or three times a day - but most of those lies are white lies.

I think that lying is actually an important human skill - especially being able to tell a convincing white lie. Such lies, told to spare the feelings of others ("No - those pants don't make you look fat."), are a good part of keeping society happier, I feel.

My father is a compulsive liar, and my mother has been known to tell white lies. So I guess I did learn to lie from my parents. I remember the first lie I ever told, I was eight and had eaten the last donut. I told my father that I hadn't, but thought he would know I was lying.

 

[feral]

I don't think parents teach us to lie directly, although I do think a parent's reaction to poor behaviour can indirectly teach lying as a mechanism for escapng punishment. It's quite easy to learn to lie if, every time you admit to a misdeed you are given a spanking or harshly scolded, whereas every time you deny involvement you are patted on the head and sent away.

Otherwise, I think lying is mostly learned through modelling and copying. When a child sees an adult or a friend lie, it teaches them the new concept of behaviour.

 

[suzybeezy]

I was thinkin' back to what my mother use to tell me when she was younger. She said one day she just realized she had turned into her mother. I think that's very common, cause we learn from their example. While I'm sure alot of us make effort to improve on what we felt were our parents errors or shortcomings, alot of who we are is developed from them. I can tell you I'm far more like my mother then I'd like to be - lol.

I just think of the liars I know in life - and unfortunately I know several. First of all, most liars aren't very good at it. Secondly, what's the point? Why lie? I just never got it.

There's this one guy I know who just lies lies lies. And most of them are ridiculous lies. Then i look at his mother and her reaction to his lying and i can see why he does it, cause he's never been deterred from it. But he's an adult now so how much is he to blame and how much of it is his mothers fault.