Do ladies only like guys with "cheating leverage"?

[CCHIPSS]

Too late for me. Pushing fifty.

Hi Gen X. I read your private message. I cannot even imagine what 30 years of loneliness (assuming you start feeling this way at 20) can do to you. And I think you would be quite right to say that no one here truly understood this loneliness.

Like I said it is common for people (including Christians) to view long-term singles and virgins as lessor-people. The first impression is always going to be "something is wrong with you."

I do agree with other posters that thinking negatively like this and being frustrated doesn't really help. I had been negative and frustrated for a long time (32 years old before first GF). It didn't help me. It seems you have been negative and frustrated for a long time too. And that didn't help.

I myself is struggling through this and there are often relapses. But I am trying to be more positive, optimistic and joyful. I am going online and joining meetings to meet more people. I am reading articles and going to lectures on self-improvements and communication skills. I am doing sports to keep myself healthy.

So I am doing what I can to improve my chances. And I am growing my ability to love everyone so that when my wife do come, I will truly be able to put my life into her hands. I would love her, just as Christ loved the church and gave his life for it.

And no I am not saying by doing these things I will get a wife. I am just saying what else can I do but try my best?

 

[CCHIPSS]

Who, among dates or potential dates, is asking about your virginity?

My EX asked me. Then she mentioned to me that she wasn't a virgin and she is wondering if this would be a big deal to me. I said no big deal. Of course back then I didn't know that she would eventually tell me that sex is very important to her in a relationship (she want to feel loved).

She told her family (sisters) that I refused to have sex with her. They said "Does he even love you? Is he even attracted to you?" and "Can he even perform sex? Can you stay married with him without sex ever?"

That's why I said non-virgin ladies (like 80% of the population) doesn't view my virginity as a good thing.

 

[KitKatMatt]

You don't know if all those ladies feel the same way until you ask them.

I think your ex was wrong in that she didn't tell you upfront that she needed sex to feel loved. That was her fault, not the fault of all other women who are not virgins.

 

[CCHIPSS]

You don't need to apologize for feeling depressed or sad. That is perfectly normal. I agree with you that society often views a holy and chaste lifestyle with contempt or scorn. This mindset often creeps into the church. That being said, no woman is ever worth compromising for or throwing away your commitment to living a pure and chaste life. Any of the women you have previously encountered that didn't respect your commitment weren't worth your time. I wouldn't ever change who you are to attract someone. If a woman is going to get turned off by a guy's Christian lifestyle, let her. Instead of hiding your convictions and feeling inferior, I would take the offensive. I should clarify that I don't mean to be abrasive or hostile. I would just be unapologetic and bold. A woman who is a true Christian and decent will be drawn to your resolve and firmness of character. Perhaps part of the problem is that you have developed a complex that you aren't cool (based on your previous negative experiences) and you feel the need to over explain why you are a virgin or have only had one girlfriend. In my opinion, there is no need to feel that way and you are subconsciously communicating to others this embarrassment. Instead, I would view your commitment to being a virgin until you are married as a badge of honor (I don't mean you should become obnoxious or proud). Not many guys (or girls) are able to live that lifestyle. You shouldn't be the one over-explaining or apologizing since you are the one following Christ's teachings. I think if you change your own mindset and view of yourself, you will be surprised at the change in how others view and perceive you.

Thanks for your encouragement. In my heart I know good Christian women do exist. It is just that currently all the good Christian women I see are dating, married or not interested in me. Hence I feel very sad sometimes.

But thanks so much for reminding me that they do exist. I appreciate it.

If God is merciful toward me, a terrible sinner, please guide a Christian lady toward me and give her hints to notice me. That her faith and knowledge is strong enough that she can tell good as good, and bad as bad.

 

[Gen X]

Hi Gen X. I read your private message. I cannot even imagine what 30 years of loneliness (assuming you start feeling this way at 20) can do to you. And I think you would be quite right to say that no one here truly understood this loneliness.

Like I said it is common for people (including Christians) to view long-term singles and virgins as lessor-people. The first impression is always going to be "something is wrong with you."

I do agree with other posters that thinking negatively like this and being frustrated doesn't really help. I had been negative and frustrated for a long time (32 years old before first GF). It didn't help me. It seems you have been negative and frustrated for a long time too. And that didn't help.

I myself is struggling through this and there are often relapses. But I am trying to be more positive, optimistic and joyful. I am going online and joining meetings to meet more people. I am reading articles and going to lectures on self-improvements and communication skills. I am doing sports to keep myself healthy.

So I am doing what I can to improve my chances. And I am growing my ability to love everyone so that when my wife do come, I will truly be able to put my life into her hands. I would love her, just as Christ loved the church and gave his life for it.

And no I am not saying by doing these things I will get a wife. I am just saying what else can I do but try my best?

Actually, you're wrong. My feelings of late have just recently started to boil.

I kept up the "toothpaste" commercial of happiness for a long time (well over a decade now). You know, don't be angry "your time will come" the usual thoughts.

Focusing on prayer. Focusing on service. Taking initiative. Saying "it's His will not mine" and for many years actually believing it. I started and helped charter a Boy Scout / Cub Scout Program at my church. Started with three boys. Between both Troop / Pack, I "lead" over sixty-five boys now. It was grown not of my efforts but by trust, and obedience to Christ, and giving Him the Glory. A massive falling on my knees in prayer too. It's an inner city Troop as well I lead the english as a second language program (ESL) at the church. I also train and help people who DO want to become citizens in the USA study for and PASS their citizenship class. I play first / lead chair trumpet in our church band. All of this was done with no thanks expected, but glory ONLY given to Him.

I don't like to boast, but I have grown in faith by serving....and I don't like my works being made known "because I know who I hath believeth"

Just putting it out there for the sake of this thread that I am not a pew warmer; yet I don't like saying what I have been involved with. I am a man with humility. None of my service for the church has been about me. None.

I belong to a local "toastmasters" here in my city (public speaking club / group). I am still very involved with AA / NA groups of help, encouragement and prayer. I love the symphony, soul dancing from the 1960's. I belong to a modern architecture club here in my city and I am leading efforts to preserve and restore our local downtown pedestrian mall. Been on the local news and local talk radio shows here concerning this issue too. Things I like doing for the sake of "what they are" not to "get a girlfriend"

In all my years, I am discovering sadly that you can be involved. Lead. Listen. Act. Try. Laugh at yourself......get an education. Be well traveled. Keep yourself fit. Speak two other languages fluently aside from my native english............you can get degrees. Do all these "amazing" things...........

and yet

And yet if you are not given "it" (whatever it is concerning attraction) you are always going to be paddling in circles, or driving sideways. I kicked it. I sat on it. I prayed about it. KEEP the negativity down. Under wraps. Expelled it. tried to kill it. Focus on service MORE. Trust Christ MORE. PRAY harder.

.........ask for help?????????

LOL. Platitudes! Somehow I am still not ready for a wife, or even a DATE. Somehow in all of this......I just didn't exude enough (cough) confidence......or actually probably because I wasn't arrogant. I was a fool's fool for thinking humility in Christ would help me meet a Christian gal someday. Somehow in all of this, I just still wasn't good enough for a date. Nope. The polite rejections continues. I put on a smile and figured "her loss" and rolled on...........but now????? Realizing that IF I had indeed behaved LIKE the world, I would have had dates, girlfriends....heck even a wife / children at this point.

After a LONG time...........seriously in prayer about a month ago. tears streaming on my face. Emotional pain PRESSING on me. I was told to "look for" and find an online "Christian" forum.......well, I was brought here.

Tried to integrate. Was given attitude by too many from day one.....

Fathers Day arriving. I needed prayer. I asked. Begged.

"man up"
"God needs you not to be a father, but to inspire others"
"it's no big deal"

Yeah......

In crisis. Prayer not working. Feeling SICK. All I still get is "I am not better than a man who trying to get into a girls pants" among other things.

So there you go. Suffering in the church now........feeling terrible. Not expecting an answer now; but I will say this: None of you KNOW this pain. Stop pretending you do.

 

[CCHIPSS]

You don't know if all those ladies feel the same way until you ask them.

I think your ex was wrong in that she didn't tell you upfront that she needed sex to feel loved. That was her fault, not the fault of all other women who are not virgins.

I know there are non-virgin ladies would would value my virginity. Like I said I make a lot of generalizations.

 

[KitKatMatt]

Trial and error is really the only way, just like dating in general.

 

[CCHIPSS]

In crisis. Prayer not working. Feeling SICK. All I still get is "I am not better than a man who trying to get into a girls pants" among other things.

So there you go. Suffering in the church now........feeling terrible. Not expecting an answer now; but I will say this: None of you KNOW this pain. Stop pretending you do.

I am very sorry to hear your story. It breaks my heart. I know I do not understand fully your pain. But I do believe I understand a part of it.

I think there probably has always been loneliness and frustration along the way. But you were able to suppress them all when you were younger. Because hey you were young and there were still hope.

Now that you are older, you realized that your worst fears are coming true. And so all of those loneliness and frustrations are coming in all at once.

Please never feel guilty for feeling lonely and frustrated. This is normal.

1) Misunderstanding of Celibacy: A lot of churches teaches celibacy, but they don't even know what they are saying. It is actually not natural nor common for celibacy. All humans are all designed to get married and raise a family. Some people are special and are blessed by the Holy Spirit, so they do not feel lonely at all and can focus on serving the Lord. But that is a special gift and it was only through the Holy Spirit that it was even possible. Anyone that feels even slightly lonely should try to get married.

Celibacy is not supposed to be the norm. It is not ok (unless you actually do not feel lonely). The churches really should stop preaching this wrong message.

2) Harsh against long-term Single Men: At the same time the church has always been very harsh on the long-term singles, especially the men. Some tell the men to "man up". Others tell the men what is wrong with them. At the same time the church gets angry when the men even slightly suggest that the problem is on the ladies.

I have listened to many sermons from many different pastors. On the ladies, I have heard many sermons on how to be a good wife. But I don't remember ever hearing a sermon telling the single ladies how they can improve.

For example why not tell them to value a Christian man for his faith and dedication to the Lord (e.g. fruits of the spirit), instead of secular values (e.g. money, looks)?

Or how about telling the Christian ladies that they have to lower their standards, out of love, when a Christian man ask them out for a date. (please come on ONE pastor in the whole world preach this message!!!)

I have never heard a sermon on those. I came up with this idea myself.

Before anyone here call foul, trust me when I say that we Christian single men (at least me) lower our standards ALL the time.

Oh she say she is Christian but not really? Christian men (like me) would still date her and give her a chance. Men are supposed to be the spiritual leader in the home anyways.

Oh her career isn't that successful? Christian men (like me) would still date her and give her a chance. Men are supposed to take care of the financial needs of the whole family anyways.

I mean I understand that the single men has a lot to work on. But it cannot be that the single ladies (or those that keeps on dating cheaters) have no flaw at all. Maybe the churches should stop treating the ladies like princesses.

There seems to be a serious bias in churches. When the ladies does not give the men a chance, it is the men's fault for not measuring up. And when a men got scared of rejections, it is the men's fault for not manning up. It is a similar issue as mothers being praised on Mother's Day, while husbands are trashed on Father's Day. But this is a different topic.

And we wonder why men are leaving church in doves.

3) Leadership problem: So many church elders got married by age 25. These people often get into church leadership because having a family is viewed as very important in Christian life. And they tell the young singles about singleness. Problem? These church elders have no idea what long-term singleness even is. They have never even been there.

Broke up and became single for a year is not long-term singleness. Try 5 years or more.

It is so common for these church elders to view the singles as "having problems". They think "Well I got married by 25. This guy is still single at 40. Something must be wrong with him!"

It never crossed their mind that perhaps God simply blessed these elders with wives that accepts all their major flaws and still love them. And once married the wives no longer cares that much about their looks, financial situation, wooing abilities, etc.

Often times a married man gets divorced. And he find that he is no better at dating than other singles.

 

[MiniEmu]

I have always wondered what "give the men a chance" means. My not-so-secret rule in life is to say yes to everybody, on the basis that you'll get to know them more over the course of whatever activity you do together, but I've been informed by several Christian men that this makes our time together meaningless. Apparently by not having standards in place for the selection of initial dates, I remove their value. Yet when I do try to introduce some selection criteria I'm criticised for not seeing the Christian beneath the surface.

Sometimes it is like the only ones who win in this wonderful world of singles are those who marry quick .

Edit: Which I know is not true. But in conversations like this, I think life (in terms of church, other Christians, and their perceptions of my dating life) would have been much easier if I'd just married that Catholic boy back as a sprightly teenager.

 

[KitKatMatt]

When it comes to dating, I feel that I have valid reasons for not giving every guy a chance. This is someone I want to spend the rest of my life with, I deserve the right to be picky (and guys deserve this as well).

If someone doesn't set off alarm bells in my head immediately, I will definitely give them "a chance" and will be open to getting to know them better. Otherwise, I don't feel like it's worth risking my safety (both physically and mentally) to interact with people who I clearly won't get along with from the get-go.

 

[Messy]

http://gracefortheroad.com/2012/02/03/idontwait/

 

[CCHIPSS]

http://gracefortheroad.com/2012/02/03/idontwait/

It is true that a person should only need God and nothing else. Because God will provide everything we will need. And I would 100% agree that we shouldn't covet after a spouse.

However it is important to separate "coveting after a spouse" from "preferring to have a spouse".

Because the question is: Wasn't God and Adam enough? If that's the case, then why did God bother making Eve when God himself was right there with Adam?

It wasn't enough. And the bible gave us the answer to this.

Because in Genesis God himself said that "God and Adam" as it is isn't good, because it is not good for Adam to be by himself being the only member of his kind. It is better for Adam to have a helper. It is better to be "God and Adam and Eve and their children".

Once again celibacy is pushed and glorified way too much in church circles. The way I see it the churches have no idea how to handled the singles' problem. So they just use celibacy to throw all the problems under the blanket.

So I say this: It is normal and good to seriously hunger for a spouse. And anyone that feels lonely should look for a spouse. However do not let that hunger consume you and it becomes coveting. Because when you covet, you will feel that God lied to you or betrayed you. (when he hasn't.)

 

[Messy]

Once again celibacy is pushed and glorified way too much in church circles.

I never experienced that in churches in Holland but it starts to sound like forbidding to marry.