In June, I (30m) auditioned at a community theatre for their production of a well-known show and ended up getting a lead role. Throughout the process, I ended up taking on additional tasks beyond simply playing the role I had been assigned, and helped the director (44f, married) - who we'll call Janet - with various things that came up for the show. The show concluded a few weeks ago, but shortly before it ended, Janet nominated me to the theatre's board. Our roles on the board have a not insignificant amount of overlap so there is a legitimate need for us to communicate regularly. But I'm wondering if I need to put up some boundaries here, and if what is going on may be inappropriate for a single Christian guy and a married Christian woman. Here are some things that have happened:
- Janet is real big on words of encouragement and would tell us all as a cast to encourage each other regularly. I would sometimes thank her for all her hard work and for everything she did for the show, since this production meant a lot to me for personal reasons. Near the end of the run, when I asked for a private word with her about something regarding another cast member, she used the opportunity to confide in me (through tears) that my words meant more than she could say, that that is her "love language", and that it took her husband a while but he's finally caught on.
- She has started text convos late at night. It's theatre related most of the time but not always. For instance, at 1:00am last week, she saw I was on Facebook and sent me a message telling me to go to bed.
- Her kids are in high school/college and are both in the show we are working on now at the theatre and were both involved with the well-known show so I know and see them regularly. They have told me that Janet talks about me a lot and how much we talk, to the point where it's become a bit of a running joke between me and them.
- She has told me multiple times that I am her confidant, and she likes having me around to tell me things she can't tell anyone else. However, I think this is largely limited to theatre, and she has said her husband is not a theatre person at all.
- During the first show, she told me she had scrolled through my Facebook profile to get to know me more and saw that I go to the touring Broadway shows regularly (she would have had to scroll a bit to figure that out). I explained that I am a season subscriber. She then got a season ticket for the seat next to mine - she made sure I was okay with it first, and I basically said sure thing.
- She recently told me during a text conversation that I am sort of "her person".
- She has texted me "just to say hey" and invited me to join her and her daughter in seeing a band (I'd have to pay my own way).
I only think of her as a friend/sister/unpaid coworker and have no desire to interfere in her marriage, and I don't believe she has any untoward intentions either. But I'm worried about whether some of what is going on may be unwise. Due to some learning disabilities, I struggle with relationships and social situations like this so I am not sure if this is inappropriate or if I am just being overly sensitive.
What comes immediately to mind is that you're in very dangerous territory. The first red flag is that she's calling you her confidant. That job belongs to her husband and her closest female friends, not you (no offense).
The fact is that women are deeply relational. That she let you know that you've inadvertently used her love language is the second red flag, for two reasons. First, because that's knowledge that belongs between her and those closest to her. You're a colleague, so not in that circle typically. Second, because she ought to recognize that such a thing is dangerous. I'd be willing to bet that she picked you for that role on the board so that she may have you closer.
Truth be told, you've found yourself in a one-sided adulterous affair. Whether you like it or not, she's developed feelings for you and is now cheating on her husband.
Here's what I mean. In Matthew 5:
In June, I (30m) auditioned at a community theatre for their production of a well-known show and ended up getting a lead role. Throughout the process, I ended up taking on additional tasks beyond simply playing the role I had been assigned, and helped the director (44f, married) - who we'll call Janet - with various things that came up for the show. The show concluded a few weeks ago, but shortly before it ended, Janet nominated me to the theatre's board. Our roles on the board have a not insignificant amount of overlap so there is a legitimate need for us to communicate regularly. But I'm wondering if I need to put up some boundaries here, and if what is going on may be inappropriate for a single Christian guy and a married Christian woman. Here are some things that have happened:
- Janet is real big on words of encouragement and would tell us all as a cast to encourage each other regularly. I would sometimes thank her for all her hard work and for everything she did for the show, since this production meant a lot to me for personal reasons. Near the end of the run, when I asked for a private word with her about something regarding another cast member, she used the opportunity to confide in me (through tears) that my words meant more than she could say, that that is her "love language", and that it took her husband a while but he's finally caught on.
- She has started text convos late at night. It's theatre related most of the time but not always. For instance, at 1:00am last week, she saw I was on Facebook and sent me a message telling me to go to bed.
- Her kids are in high school/college and are both in the show we are working on now at the theatre and were both involved with the well-known show so I know and see them regularly. They have told me that Janet talks about me a lot and how much we talk, to the point where it's become a bit of a running joke between me and them.
- She has told me multiple times that I am her confidant, and she likes having me around to tell me things she can't tell anyone else. However, I think this is largely limited to theatre, and she has said her husband is not a theatre person at all.
- During the first show, she told me she had scrolled through my Facebook profile to get to know me more and saw that I go to the touring Broadway shows regularly (she would have had to scroll a bit to figure that out). I explained that I am a season subscriber. She then got a season ticket for the seat next to mine - she made sure I was okay with it first, and I basically said sure thing.
- She recently told me during a text conversation that I am sort of "her person".
- She has texted me "just to say hey" and invited me to join her and her daughter in seeing a band (I'd have to pay my own way).
I only think of her as a friend/sister/unpaid coworker and have no desire to interfere in her marriage, and I don't believe she has any untoward intentions either. But I'm worried about whether some of what is going on may be unwise. Due to some learning disabilities, I struggle with relationships and social situations like this so I am not sure if this is inappropriate or if I am just being overly sensitive.
Matthew 5:27-28, “You have heard that our fathers were told, ‘Do not commit adultery.’ 28 But I tell you that a man who even looks at a woman with the purpose of lusting after her has already committed adultery with her in his heart."
Note that Jesus here returns adultery to the realm of thought crime. This is related to the Tenth Commandment, the command against coveting. The two are directly interrelated.
Bear in mind that it doesn't appear that you're at fault here, at least not yet. At most, you can only be accused of being inattentive to the pitfalls in the situation, as you missed several red flags.
Red flag #1: She tearfully informs you that you've hit her love language, and then confides that it took her husband a long time to become aware of this. Like it or not, she placed you in a position to compete against her husband. That's adultery according to the Scripture above.
Red flag #2: She is engaging in private conversations with you behind her husband's back. If you were to place yourself in his shoes, you wouldn't like what you saw. This is extremely dangerous territory, and absolute poison for all involved.
Red flag #3: She's being so painfully obvious that her kids are aware of what's going on, which means that her husband either already knows, suspects, or will know soon enough. People have committed horrific crimes for far less.
Red flag #4: She put you in a position to be closer and more accessible to her.
Truth be told, like it or not, she's having an affair with you, only without the physical benefits. My advice is, run. Get as far away from that situation as you can because no good will come of it. You've waded hip-deep into a vat of toxic goo, and the bottom is about to drop out from under you.