Do I let him say it?

[Chocolatesa]

My husband and I have been separated for a little over a year now. We've been on good terms since about 8 months now, we talk on msn occasionally and I saw him twice recently when he helped me move some furniture to my apartment. We're not legally divorced yet, neither of us has had the money to do it. I assume I'll get it done one day.

I know I won't get back together with this guy until a miracle happens to change his life around 180 degrees, so I don't want to get back together. I've been praying that he comes to know the Lord no matter what happens with us.

The problem is that he's started saying "I love you" when we say goodbye on msn. I don't reply with the same, I just keep my goodbye neutral yet cheerful and say something like "ttyl, good night!". I still love him deep down even though I know things won't work out unless some major changes are made, but I'm not going to tell him "I love you too" just to be nice because I don't want him to think that he can get me back after all that's happened, I know that if we did it would just be a repeat of the problems we had, nothing much has changed in that respect.

I don't know whether to tell him to stop saying it or not though. I don't want to tell him "don't say that, it's not true" because who knows he might still love me. But at the same time I don't want to encourage him and let him think that I want to get back together with him when I don't. I could just tell him to stop saying it, but something is holding me back. Maybe I just like hearing him say that. I guess I like the idea of him still being attached to me lol. But I don't want to let him continue if it causes him to get the wrong idea about us.

Before we got married, we had dated one summer, broke up for 3 years, and then got back together for a year before getting married. What happened when we got back together was that he started saying I love you even though I wasn't ready to say that myself, and eventually convinced me to start dating him again. So I don't want it to be a repeat of that.

So do I politely ask him to stop saying it or not?

 

[kanga22]

Sounds like you are in limbo. Like you're not completely sure you will get a divorce. Have you sat him down and said; "Okay, I would be willing to reconcile if and when you do this, this, and that"? "Until these changes happen we are on the road to divorce when we can afford it." After saying this, sadly, you should probably ACT like you are moving toward divorce by not talking to him anymore. As long as you are having regular friendly conversations, he'll think that he can work his way back into your life without changing a thing. I know this from personal experience. I lived this 13 years ago when my husband wormed his way back into my life. Two children later I'm dealing with his same old ways and worse.

 

[ALABALE]

Hi Chocolatesa.

You said you still love him. So, if you say it you won't be lying. I understand the reason why you're not saying it, So I don't blame you.

While I don't have an answer for you I suggest you get ready for when he questions you as to why you don't say you love him back. This is where Kanga's reply (which was very good, btw) comes into play. Where you will have to lay down some ground rules and explain why you don't say it, even though you still love him.

I was separated from my wife for 9 months and the goodbyes, whether in person or on the phone, were the most uncomfortable times during our split. You're so accustomed to saying "I LOVE YOU" as a goodbye, that it comes out naturally, even though we didn't mean to say it.

I pray that God give you wisdom. He will deterimine if you guys get back together. Miracles do happen.

 

[Chocolatesa]

Thank you for your replies
Kanga, yes, I am in limbo about the whole divorce thing. I was against it to start with, when I moved out I wanted to go to counselling and work things out. He wouldn't speak to me other than to demand a divorce, and two weeks after I left he was back with an ex of his with who he had a child before we got married. She ended up kicking him out a second time a few weeks later. Anyways, I finally got around to saying ok, I might as well get a divorce, and this fall I told him I was planning on getting one, and even looked up ways to do it. I never told him I was willing to reconcile if he did this and that and the other, because in the past he's promised me everything and anything just to get back together, and started doing it, but a week or two or 3 later all his promises were out the window. So I won't use that approach lol. I never considered the idea of not talking to him any more, I still want to know how he's doing. But yeah I understand what you're saying about worming his way back in, that's what he's done in the past and I'm not going to let that happen.

Alabale, I'm pretty sure he's not gonna ask me why I don't say "I love you" back, because of what's happened. We're past the point of uncomfortable goodbyes or saying it out of habit, for me anyways, but I don't think he's saying it out of habit when he hasn't said it to me for over 8 or 9 months now.
Thank you for your prayers. When I first moved out, told God "ok, I've tried doing things my way and screwed up royally, Your will be done with this marriage". At first I just put the whole divorce thing on the back burner, partly out of not wanting to be divorced and partly out of not knowing how to do it and lack of money. Then when I started considering it seriously again last fall after meeting someone, I was still really unsure about the scriptural reasons for getting one or not getting one, and prayed about it. My prayers were answered when I found an article talking exactly about that. So I was very reassured about that, but then things with the guy I met went flop and the divorce went to the back burner again. So I'm praying that His will be done concerning my marriage, but also that he will have mercy on and heal my husband, whatever happens with us. I'll keep praying

 

[kanga22]

Thank you for your replies
Kanga, yes, I am in limbo about the whole divorce thing. I was against it to start with, when I moved out I wanted to go to counselling and work things out. He wouldn't speak to me other than to demand a divorce, and two weeks after I left he was back with an ex of his with who he had a child before we got married. She ended up kicking him out a second time a few weeks later. Anyways, I finally got around to saying ok, I might as well get a divorce, and this fall I told him I was planning on getting one, and even looked up ways to do it. I never told him I was willing to reconcile if he did this and that and the other, because in the past he's promised me everything and anything just to get back together, and started doing it, but a week or two or 3 later all his promises were out the window. So I won't use that approach lol. I never considered the idea of not talking to him any more, I still want to know how he's doing. But yeah I understand what you're saying about worming his way back in, that's what he's done in the past and I'm not going to let that happen.

Well, I completely understand broken/empty promises. For instance, right now I have zero hope that my husband will ever come close to doing what I need him to do for me to take him back. In the past I accepted shallow promises that didn't amount to much or were broken shortly after they were made. And the reason I have little hope for reconciliation with him now is that my standards for accepting any promise from him are SO much higher than I've ever made them before. This time if he is going to really change, it will have to be complete, real, and permanent BEFORE he comes back. I don't think this will happen because he doesn't think he needs to change, let alone feel sorry what what's he's done. But, anyway, back to the point.....

My requirements are much higher for him, as they should have been from the very beginning. I'm hoping that my experience can help you not to fall into the same trap that I did for 23 years. My current requirements of my husband are difficult and costly and only a miracle will bring him to want to do them, but I won't settle for less! First he has to quit his current job because it makes the other changes impossible. He must go through the same humiliating STD testing (which costs $800!)that I was forced to indure after he cheated multiple times. He must attend marriage counsiling with me until we both feel solid in our relationship, and live a completely open honest life, giving me passwords and access to all his computer and phone activity. AFTER he has done all of these things and I feel that I can trust him again, then and only then can he come home and live as my husband again.

Can you tell I'm not real happy with him right now?

 

[Chocolatesa]

My requirements are much higher for him, as they should have been from the very beginning. My current requirements of my husband are difficult and costly and only a miracle will bring him to want to do them

Same here. He considers taking medication for his bouts of psychosis expensive and unecessary. His addiction to pot and possibly other stuff, that doesn't seem to be going out the window any time soon. His belief in God, almost nil, and I don't see how that's gonna change without a miracle either. So I'm praying that God changes all those things, even if it's not His will that we get back together one day.

 

[lbclvsrjc]

Chocolatesa and kanga22, you sound like two strong women who have been through a lot of pain - I am so sorry and sending you and

My advice would be to focus on yourselves - to focus on making yourselves happy with or without them. Chocolatesa, if you want to talk to your husband - talk - don't want to say I love you then don't - BUT if him saying it BOTHERS you - then tell him to STOP - only YOU can allow him to suck you back in as you mentioned here...

he started saying I love you even though I wasn't ready to say that myself, and eventually convinced me to start dating him again

If you really didn't want him to say it; wouldn't you have already asked him to stop? I guess I am asking that, because as a woman, I find that we want our men to "read our minds" or to "see what we feel" instead of speaking it to them in a way that they understand - because women and men really do see things through opposite sets of "eye glasses." I know for me - and it took my seperation to make me see, that if I would have realized and understood that sooner - then I wouldn't have grown angry and bitter because he never did understand what I was saying or feeling - so it then became ugly words I would say to cover my own hurt.

For instance, right now I have zero hope that my husband will ever come close to doing what I need him to do for me to take him back

kanga22 and Chocolatesa I am so sorry for your pain, I look back on Mark 9:23 "Jesus said unto him, If thou canst believe, all things are possible to him that believeth." Don't give up! and Mark 11:24 "Therefore I say unto you, What things soever ye desire, when ye pray, believe that ye receive them, and ye shall have them." Also, 1 Peter 3:14-16 - I pray for each of you and I hope you I don't sound like I am preaching or not understanding, because I do - I feel the pain and confusion you both are in and I know God doesn't want us there - so I say - work on you!! Make yourself the focus of what needs to be healed/forgiven/loved and God will take care of the rest -for it was his plan that joined each of you with your spouses in the beginning - but never give up HOPE for anything is possible through God and also, for yourselves forgive. I've learned that doesn't mean you have to reconcile, but if I don't then I can't move forward and if he doesn't then he can't move forward.

I hope this makes sense and not just sounds like utter rambling - medicated right now because I have had pneumonia, so please forgive any missteps or typos! Each of you are in my thoughts and prayers.

 

[Chocolatesa]

Thanks lbc

 

[SearcherKris]

Don't do anything you are uncomfortable with, and don't allow him to either. You need to establish boundires and expect him to respect those boundries.

My husband and I tried to see each other after a separation last fall. Our counselor wanted us to date each other. He wanted to cuddle, make-out, and kept hinting at being intimate.

I told him no over and over again. He would not respect the boundry, until I told him I would stop seeing him.

If there is a possibility for the two of you to be reunited, he needs to respect you, first. If there is going to be no reconciliation, then he definately needs to respect you as an individual he is not married to.

I get that he still has some love you, and that you have some for him. I think that is normal. However, at this point, without clear relationship boundries being established, I think it is misleading and confusing. The last thing you need as you go through something like this is misunderstgandings. I think it would be appropriate for you to say something like, "I love you, but not like I used to, and I don't mean to hurt you. However, for the time being saying "I love you" feels inappropriate because of our comming divorce. I want you to refrain from saying that, until more healing has taken place and our relationship boundries are firmly in place and understood."

You don't have to be rude or hurtful to set boundries. You can be firm and polite at the same time.

Going back and forth with the "I love you" and the dating and the touching was too much for me to take oin my situation. I needed to be either separated or with him. Not both. Both does not work.