Do I leave him or marry him?

[Juliajulia123]

So.. To start off, let me tell you the history of our relationship. My name is Julia and I am 20 years old. I'm in a relationship with a guy who is also 20. We met in middle school and have been together for seven years now. We are now in college together. We go to a Christian college and both serve together in Church. He is the one who told me about God our junior year of high school. I got to know his family and they have encouraged me so much when it comes to life and my walk with God. I want to read God's word and know Him personally, not just know about Him. My walk with God means everything to me. However, my boyfriend talks about God, but he doesn't seem to want to have a relationship with God. That's between him and God, but it's affecting me a lot. Because he doesn't want to have a personal relationship with God, he still wants to do the things that we know we can't do anymore. For example, fornicate. I feel ashamed to even say it, but I allow it to happen. I always feel so regretful, but I continue to do it. I know God's truth already, but I continue to go against it. Every time we fornicate I feel awful and I tell him that i can't do that anymore and he apologizes and says it won't happen again. Although I know it will. I don't even want to serve in Church because we shouldn't be up there playing and singing "worshiping" when we can't even worship God with our everyday lives. I'm so confused and it is so hard for me to let go. I know that my relationship with God is so much more important, but I can't let go and I don't know why. Recently, he has been telling me we should get married, but I don't want to get married just so we could have "guilt-free" sex. I want to marry him because I love him, but I still question if he is even the one for me? And I know that he is not serious about getting married right now... I don't want this anymore. I feel so discouraged and miserable. What do I do?

 

[High Fidelity]

Welcome to the forum.

I want to begin by highlighting that you've already answered, or at least substantiated part of, your answer. You know God's truth, you know you've both gone against it and rightfully you understand it needs to be addressed.

Marriage is certainly an option, absolutely, but I still think there are some underlying issues that need to be addressed first before I'd recommend anyone to marriage.

If you did marry this man then he inherits God's planned role for him within the relationship; spiritual head. He is responsible for your spiritual well-being and to love you as Christ loves the Church. At this moment in time or in the near future, can you imagine that description applying to him? In my opinion, albeit a limited and external observation, I cannot.

He is not solely at fault when it comes to fornication, that's something you both bear responsibility for, but on his behalf it does not demonstrate a love for you or your spiritual well-being comparable to Christ's love of the Church.

Your role in a marriage would be submission to him and our role as Christians is submission to God's Word. We sin, we repent and we do all we can to strike that sin out of our lives.

What's perhaps necessary for now is to take quite a big step back, discuss why you are(to stop fornication and any other sin occurring that can be prevented) and address those issues. Focus on faithfulness to His Word, commandments and expectations. Focus on loving the Lord together and it will hopefully ground you both in the truth and help you as you move forward both limit already existing sin but also prepare you both for marriage if that's an end goal.

So yes that'd be my advice. Repent, take a step back, discuss where the boundaries are and that they aren't to be crossed at any point until you're Scripturally justified in doing so, and perhaps seek the counsel of your Pastor if you're comfortable enough with that.

If that doesn't work and it persists, I'd cut ties until a later date.

2 Timothy 2:22 - Now flee from youthful lusts and pursue righteousness, faith, love and peace, with those who call on the Lord from a pure heart.

I'll be praying for you to heed the truth you already know. For your strength if that realisation results in heartache if things cannot be resolved.

 

[NewUser777]

For example, fornicate. I feel ashamed to even say it, but I allow it to happen. I always feel so regretful, but I continue to do it. I know God's truth already, but I continue to go against it. Every time we fornicate I feel awful and I tell him that i can't do that anymore and he apologizes and says it won't happen again. Although I know it will.

These are the seeds of a bad marriage, because it erodes respect. How can you respect him with this happening? How can he respect you?

Sex without commitment (marriage) is no foundation for anything lasting. It makes you feel good for the moment while causing long-term effects on your soul.

 

[PinkPearl]

So.. To start off, let me tell you the history of our relationship. My name is Julia and I am 20 years old. I'm in a relationship with a guy who is also 20. We met in middle school and have been together for seven years now. We are now in college together. We go to a Christian college and both serve together in Church. He is the one who told me about God our junior year of high school. I got to know his family and they have encouraged me so much when it comes to life and my walk with God. I want to read God's word and know Him personally, not just know about Him. My walk with God means everything to me. However, my boyfriend talks about God, but he doesn't seem to want to have a relationship with God. That's between him and God, but it's affecting me a lot. Because he doesn't want to have a personal relationship with God, he still wants to do the things that we know we can't do anymore. For example, fornicate. I feel ashamed to even say it, but I allow it to happen. I always feel so regretful, but I continue to do it. I know God's truth already, but I continue to go against it. Every time we fornicate I feel awful and I tell him that i can't do that anymore and he apologizes and says it won't happen again. Although I know it will. I don't even want to serve in Church because we shouldn't be up there playing and singing "worshiping" when we can't even worship God with our everyday lives. I'm so confused and it is so hard for me to let go. I know that my relationship with God is so much more important, but I can't let go and I don't know why. Recently, he has been telling me we should get married, but I don't want to get married just so we could have "guilt-free" sex. I want to marry him because I love him, but I still question if he is even the one for me? And I know that he is not serious about getting married right now... I don't want this anymore. I feel so discouraged and miserable. What do I do?

If I want to know whether a relationship is worth continuing, I usually ask myself this question: Does my partner bring me closer to God, or is my partner destroying my relationship with God?

Based on my answer to this question above, I'll then know whether or not to continue this relationship.
Remember, when it comes to romantic relationships, we should always be placing our relationship with God as our top most priority and we aren't supposed to be worshipping anyone else except God.

 

[JojotheBeloved]

So.. To start off, let me tell you the history of our relationship. My name is Julia and I am 20 years old. I'm in a relationship with a guy who is also 20. We met in middle school and have been together for seven years now. We are now in college together. We go to a Christian college and both serve together in Church. He is the one who told me about God our junior year of high school. I got to know his family and they have encouraged me so much when it comes to life and my walk with God. I want to read God's word and know Him personally, not just know about Him. My walk with God means everything to me. However, my boyfriend talks about God, but he doesn't seem to want to have a relationship with God. That's between him and God, but it's affecting me a lot. Because he doesn't want to have a personal relationship with God, he still wants to do the things that we know we can't do anymore. For example, fornicate. I feel ashamed to even say it, but I allow it to happen. I always feel so regretful, but I continue to do it. I know God's truth already, but I continue to go against it. Every time we fornicate I feel awful and I tell him that i can't do that anymore and he apologizes and says it won't happen again. Although I know it will. I don't even want to serve in Church because we shouldn't be up there playing and singing "worshiping" when we can't even worship God with our everyday lives. I'm so confused and it is so hard for me to let go. I know that my relationship with God is so much more important, but I can't let go and I don't know why. Recently, he has been telling me we should get married, but I don't want to get married just so we could have "guilt-free" sex. I want to marry him because I love him, but I still question if he is even the one for me? And I know that he is not serious about getting married right now... I don't want this anymore. I feel so discouraged and miserable. What do I do?

You've already answered your own question. Do you want to marry him? Do you want to marry him just so you can engage in sexual behavior or is there a deeper love and friendship that will actually be a good foundation for a marriage? You seem to be saying to yourself that this is not a relationship that brings you joy or that you have hope for a future in. You said quite clearly that you don't want it anymore, and you're miserable. So break up with him. If this is super important to you and it isn't to him and he's not respecting your values in a way that makes you feel honored, than his behavior is not very condusive to a healthy relationship. Everyone makes mistakes, so don't beat yourself or him up too much. But do honestly look at what you want, who you want to be, and where your relationship is going. Talk with him, and if it's not going in a direction you want or that will make you the person you want to be and he's not willing to change his behavior or if he's resentful... then end the relationship and move on.

 

[Peace Keeper]

It sounds like his heart isn't truly wanting to serve God (at least at this moment), like you long to do and that is a red flag to look at. If it effects you now, it will effect you even more if you do marry him. This is just what I think, you might need to have a serious talk with him and tell him it is really bothering you and you don't want to keep sinning because you know what God approves of and does not, God does forgive, but we must take the effort to go and sin no more, if he continues to say it is okay or try to continue even when he says he won't, you might need to break up or take some space away from him for a little while. A true gentlemen would wait for you and respect your decision and love you no matter what, and try to make you feel comfortable any way he can and just be thoughtful about your feelings. He seems like he needs to grow stronger in God and maybe he just needs prayer because maybe he doesn't know exactly how, pray that maybe he will have a good mentor to look up to and grow into a mature man that follows God with his whole heart. I pray and hope you have peace with the decision you make even if it is a hard one, it is better to please God and have our hearts right before Him than to try and please someone else.

 

[Elliewaves]

If he is pulling you away from God and your morals then you shouldn't marry him. If he is making you do things that you don't really want to do, then he is selfish and you shouldn't marry him.

 

[huk945]

Julia: I don't believe I have the right to tell ANYONE what to do, however, allow me to point out some observations from my life. Call them "Observations of an old guy"
#1) Two of the building blocks of a marriage are respect & trust. When a person asks another person to engage in behaviors (of any kind) that are against that persons moral/ ethical code, that is not the act of a friend. It is the act of a person who does not respect you.
#2) I am totally convinced that 99.9% of all divorce happens for one reason & one reason only. And that is "Men don't know what their job is"...........It is a mans job in a marriage to provide spiritual leadership, 24/7/365 That cannot be provided in an atmosphere of compromise to God's commands.
#3) I have a friend who works for the U.S. Treasury Dept. He said that when he graduated from his "Counterfeit Money" class he'd never actually seen a bad bill. It wasn't necessary. They learned everything there was to know about the real thing, as a result a counterfeit stuck out like a sore thumb............( you may want to read between the lines.) I don't do luck, so God Bless