Do I have a CHOICE?

[Psychlea]

I was at a Christian Camp, and it came time for swimming. *shudder*. It would have been far more conspicuous for me NOT to swim than for me to just put on a giant band-aid to cover the scars and fresh cuts on my arm (which I usually cover with bracelets), so that is what I did, and just got on with it. My priest, who is also a good friend of mine, noticed the band-aid, of course, and asked me about it IN FRONT OF OTHER PEOPLE!!!! I wriggled out of the question.

I went to speak to him yesterday. Asked him what he was doing, and didn't he know what was under the band-aid? He said he did, but wanted to see if I would tell him. He KNOWS that I have been depressed for months. He knows that I have not been getting any help. He knows....

When I told him, in tears, that my parents will freak out if they see the cuts, he said simply "they will heal". I replied "not if I keep doing it!" and he said "Well, that is a CHOICE you will have to make."

A CHOICE? HE THINKS THIS IS A CHOICE???????????????????????????

I did challenge him. I said to him "A choice? This isn't a choice. Do you think I do this for FUN? Sometimes this is the only thing that helps. It is out of desperation." He just nodded.

He also thought that cutting is a sin, that it is "wrong", but questioned whether I was guilty of the "sin" if I was not in control of my actions. (I'm Catholic, so the theology of sin might be a bit odd.) But the point is, that he judged the cutting as WRONG, and SINFUL.

I came home and just cried and cried. Got a migraine for my trouble. Does anyone else think this guy was way off base, or is he right? I am so angry, and so hurt! If I had any choice, I wouldn't be doing this to myself. I feel just awful. Help!

 

[bassdrum1]

i think we do have a choice but when i did it i really didn't think about it until i saw it in the morning.i guess that's why my friends said make sure i know what i'm gonna do when i have the feelings so when they come i will do the right thing instead of cutting. i think we have a choice but when we do cut we don't really think about it. espically if it's a habit.

 

[always_hope]

I don't think he understands that cutting can be an addiction and that there isn't always a choice. I know when I cut I am definitely not in control of my actions, and I know it's the same for everyone else who struggles with this. Also, I wish he had not jumped to the subject of sin right off and instead tried to understand why you are cutting and what is going on in your life.

Sorry this happened. *hugs*

Hope

 

[luv4godremains]

there is always a choice, but, it's not that simple, I know it may sound weird saying that, especially as I often give into the urges, and don't even know if I want to stop anymore, but, I know that God will help us through if we ask him, but it'll be in HIS time, and he has his purposes for this, to put this to a good reasoning, maybe to understand or help someone in the future, but there is a choice, the choice to try and stop, or to ignore it and carry on! we have free will, there is a choice in everything!

 

[bliz]

How do I say this without sounding disrespectful? No - I can't! He was a jerk!

Why on earth did he ask you in front of other people? That simply makes no sense. What did he expect you to say under those circumstances? What was the pooint of putting you on the spot?

He clearly has not done any reading on this subject, he's just poking around out of curiosity or some misguided attempt to help.

 

[Renwolf]

I believe that in most cases, cutting is a choice. I also think it's an addiction and a psychological disorder or perhaps a symptom of a psychological disorder, but ultimately, there's a choice involved. That's not to trivialize it and say "well, if you choose to do it, you can choose to stop", because I know it's not anywhere near close to being resolved that easily. But you can choose to get help. You can choose to try to stop. Or you can choose to just accept it and not fight it at all. Please note that I am way better at giving advice than I am at taking it and last friday I made the choice not to fight it. I had other options, but it was my choice and now I'm dealing with the consequences.

All of that is not to say that I think your priest handled the situation properly. He could have been a lot more sensative and tactful. I'm sorry he wasn't and I hope that you can get the help and support that you need to choose to fight this disorder. Peace and (hugs) if you want them.

 

[musiclady]

being back from a hospital not too long ago that relates with this, to me, it is a choice. it may seem as if we dont have a choice to do it, but look at this, we could have chosen to do something else...like drink, go for a walk....i think it is a choice. but i also think it is a habit that we get into. it becomes easier to escape from pain if we just si. i think it becomes a response too. i would si if i got up in a bad mood, if my kids didnt clean their room, if the guy on the tv died in the movie, if my husband didnt pay attention to me. it became my response to everything. learning to identify the triggers and change the automatic response is key. its called DBT (dialetic behavior therapy)...it didnt make sense to me when i started, i thought i wasnt able to stop, but i listened and opened the door, and i learned. i didnt cut for 3 years. form everyday to not at all....progress!!

be patient, and as an ex-Catholic now Baptist, i understand your priest. he wants to help, but he not able to undrestand. perhaps counselling will help, especially with DBT training.....I'm for it!!

be safe

Dona

 

[ilovemybear]

Thats why I have a galore of bracelets too.. weird.

Lately I don't care if anyone sees my cuts because they are wimpy and I've seen worse stuff on kids arms coming from a playground.

 

[Psychlea]

I just keep acquiring more and more bracelets. So far nobody else has figured it out. i guess 'cus bracelets are in fashion this season? Good for me, though.


Thanks for the replies. I have been going to counselling, and my counsellor wants me to stop too (I mean, what do I expect, right?) but it is just not that simple. I have heard of DBT...

My GP thinks I am, I don't even know what. She referred me to a psychologist in the surgery, and that psychologist wanted to refer me to a psychiatrist to sort out proper medication, but the GP wasn't happy about that...so she INSISTED that she (the GP herself) write the referral letter. OK. Well, looks like she didn't send it. Dunno why. So chances of her referring me for DBT? Less than zero. I gotta go see her tomorrow to see why she didn't send the referral letter to the shrink. I am on my own over here...doctor won't help me, priest won't help me, best friend moved away...antidepressants not working and no chance of getting proper ones, apparently....and now everyone wants me to just magically start "coping properly" like I am even supposed to know how????!!!?!?!?! Yes, I'll just make the CHOICE to be bloomin' happy and jolly. Gimme a break. THEY'RE the ones that are outta their minds.

Sorry for moaning. I am just at the end of my tether. I can't...if it is my choice, then I guess I am a horrible person once more, choosing to sin, choosing this, I'm crazy I guess...I just can't see any way out.

-Psychlea

 

[always_hope]

You are not a horrible person!! God loves you.

 

[bassdrum1]

i know what u mean with seeing no way out but there is somewhere. for me its running or doing dramas. even writting. that deffintly helps when i want to do it at school. and you are not horrible. it'll be o.k. eventually.

 

[NinadeDios777]

well, we definately have to make the choice NOT to cut, but sometimes that choice can be hard to make because things just get so bad sometimes that i can't see another way out, or if i do, i don't bother to resist it. hang in there.

 

[Sisof8]

wow... i think that your priest was definitely not thinking clearly to ask you in front of other people, and i know a lot of people see it as merely something bad we do and maybe if they "shame us out of it" we'll stop. they don't realize that it's not like we look at ourselves and say "oh, i'd like to have more scars please."

i do believe it is a choice, you do choose to pick up whatever it is you use and make yourself bleed... however... it is a vicious horrible cycle and sooo hard to get out of. i had a Christ loving woman come to me and tell me "didi, its not like drinking or drugs... its no an addiction you can just choose to stop." and she was wrong. it is hard, it hurts, but it is a choice.

 

[ChasingADream]

Yeah, I'm part of the bracelet club too...and my watch band comes in handy also. I don't know if it would be a sin when we do it because we are not in our normal state of mind. It's like something comes over you and you can't stop yourself.

I wish I could help you more. If you EVER need someone to talk to or vent to I'm all ears. I've done my fair share of venting in the past. Also, if you keep it in it just gets worse. If you want a break and want to talk about happy stuff, then I'm here for that too!

If anyone's reading this thread and does not SI, I hope you understand that it really is next to impossible to control. It's like your mind's taken over.

 

[HomeChicklet]

c

 

[Psychlea]

Hey guys,

thanks for all the replies. Sorry I've been away. I was in the hospital, for depression. It just got too bad. Anyways, thanks.

-Lea

 

[luv2bowl2008]

something in our head tells us its not our fault... i've been there enough.. .but yes it's a choice and we have the abilitly to stop it... and it takes time... but i promise you it does get easier... i'll be praying for you.. love and God Bless Kayla

 

[HomeChicklet]

c

 

[Niamh]

I've been cutting for around 2 and a half years. I haven't cut for around 11 days and before that I had gone for 3 months without cutting.

Before cutting I would say to myself 'I don't have to do this'. Then I would go on to cut because deep down, I really wanted to. I said this to myself to convince myself that I had tried not to cut, but that it didn't work. I did this to convince myself that I had no control over it, and that it was not my choice. However before I would cut, I knew that deep, deep down, that I did have a choice. But I still cut because I wanted it so badly and it was easier to cut than it was to not cut.

I'm sorry that this sounds harsh, but if you believe cutting is not a choice, then you will not stop. By saying that it is not a choice, you are just giving in and are going to continue cutting. If you hope to recover, you must realise that it is a choice.

However with some mental illnesses, cutting is not a choice.

 

[NinadeDios777]

they don't realize that it's not like we look at ourselves and say "oh, i'd like to have more scars please."

.

actually, when i cut, that IS my state of mind sometimes....