Do I go back to my marriage

[seekingtheLord]

I have been divorced for 8 years. My ex-husband and I are both Christians and we have stayed in touch for the last 8 years. Although he was a good provider he was incapable of loving me. He is not sure that he can love anyone. It was a very lonely marriage in which there was never any affection or companionship. We were basically roommates. I eventually left and he divorced me shortly thereafter. He wants me to come back because he feels like that is what God wants but he does not think he can change. What do I do. I to want to glorify God but I am afraid that history will repeat itself.

 

[bkg]

I don't think anyone can answer this for you, frankly. Many of us would say "yes!!!!", others will say "no way!".

If I received a call from my ex-wife stating she had become a believer and felt God wanted our marriage restored - I'd jump at it!! Trusting her to change isn't the issue for me - I have to trust God that He would have allowed the opportunity for restoration because it was His plan, and that He has been changing me in such a wa to prepare to be a great husband to my wife. I can assume that He had/has been making changes in her as well, but my answer isn't predicated on this being displayed or somehow proven.

I understand the feelings of "will it ever change?" or "it's going to be the same as it was before". I feel those from time to time also. In my case, I KNOW it will not be the same, because I know I'm not the same person that I was when I was married (Praise God for that!).

All that being said, this is something that has to be done with much prayer, patience and trust in the Lord. No one here will be able to give you any sound advice other than seeking the Lord and asking Him for guidance. He will tell you what to do. As long as you trust in that answer, then all will be well.

bkg

 

[seekfirst]

I don't think I could add anything else that bkg hasn't already mentioned in the post above. May God bless you.

 

[Southern Cross]

BKG gave you some things to think about. And his advice on seeking the Lord is exactly what you should do. I'm going to tackle it from the common sense side, too. You need to know your ex-husband's motives as you make a decision about this.

On the positive side, why would your husband reach out to you if he didn't feel at least something for you? I'd question him about this. It's quite possible he does love you - and he's just convinced himself it's not enough to be called "love". Isn't it rare for a guy who is divorced to reach out to his ex just because of guilt over the divorce itself? There have got to be some pretty strong feelings there if he wants to try the marriage thing again. I woudn't close the doors on this opportunity. Just start asking lots of questions to find out why he really wants to be back together again.

Now it's time for me to play devil's advocate, so to speak. Has he been successful at any subsequent relationships? Is he coming back to you because he feels like he can only succeed with you becuase you are willing to put up with no affection from him? Is remarrying you his last resort? Or does he TRULY feel like divorce was a big mistake and he sincerely believes it was God's will for you to remain married?

Like I said - ask LOTS of questions before you recommit. If you do decide to remarry - do it with a whole heart and go into it willing to give 110%.

 

[heartnsoul]

Here is my two cents. I don't think life is about making DRASTIC decisions. Personally, I would give him the "test of time." Meaning, give it time. Date the guy again. Date him for as LONG as you feel it necessary for you to make a decision. You may date him for a while and see that nothing has changed. On the other hand, you may see some major changes in his attitudes, actions, etc. And if you do see some good changes, continue giving it TIME. I believe in the test of time. Hasty decisions seldom lead to good results. I've learned to be patient with my walk with God. So, be patient with yourself but also be truthful to yourself. If you have no love for this man anymore, then don't waste your time or his time. Just keep him as a friend if you want. However, if you still LOVE him or are not sure if you love him, then date him. That is the beauty of dating. You can date anyone you want and decide for yourself if the guy is mentally and *spiritually* compatible with you. Sometimes I think all of us THINK TOO MUCH about things. Just go with the flow and relax. God gave us free will, true? So, pray hard, be honest with yourself and know that time is on your side...not to mention God. And remember, God only wants the BEST for you. If you find out your ex is not the best, then move on. Life is too short. Always go for the best in life. God loves you and wants the best for you. Keep us posted. We will be praying for you.

 

[seekingtheLord]

First I want to say thanks for all the responses. I was really expecting everyone to tell me that I absolutely should go back since I know that God is against divorce. I have questioned my ex pretty deeply and at this point all I feel is that he is doing this because he believes that God does not want us to be divorced. He says that he feels that the divorce is the only thing standing between him and his relationship with God. His only real failure. He feels the need to make it better. He has only went out with one other woman since we divorced and it was very short term because he felt like it was wrong. He is committed to solitude if we never reconcile. However, for him it is not that difficult since he is somewhat of a loner. For me on the other hand, I desire to spend my life with someone whether that be with him or someone else. I am currently dating a very nice Christian man, but I don't feel I am being fair to him because I still have this connection with my ex. I continue to pray for God's answers. I also currently live about 3 hours away from my ex so it makes it difficult to spend time with him and he is not very willing to make the drive to see me. Maybe I am anwering my own questions, but I did make a commitment to him with God and I still feel like I should honor that commitment. That is where I get confused. Thanks for the quick replies.

 

[Yitzchak]

My opinion is that if you are divorced, you should stay divorced. Divorce is an awful thing but going back after being divorced is not right.
I suggest that you give your ex the closure he needs by being 100% clear that it is really over for good. It must be torture for him to live double minded like that. He filed for divorce and if that was a mistake , it is too late now.

 

[bkg]

My opinion is that if you are divorced, you should stay divorced. Divorce is an awful thing but going back after being divorced is not right.

But scripture says otherwise... How do you resolve that?

The Lord will resolve all of this for the OP. I firmly believe that her prayers will be answered and she will find peace with following the path that He has set before her, which ever direction that takes her.

 

[tonya]

God can change people...He alone can do the impossible!!!

 

[Yitzchak]

But scripture says otherwise... How do you resolve that?

The Lord will resolve all of this for the OP. I firmly believe that her prayers will be answered and she will find peace with following the path that He has set before her, which ever direction that takes her.

I am willing to hear you out. If I am in the wrong then I will amend my post......

 

[Southern Cross]

So, wait, he lives three hours from you, wants to talk about getting back together, but he's not willing to make the drive? Nothing like a guy that won't pursue a woman! Unless he has a strong aversion to driving (like, he gets car sick, or he has a phobia, or a back problem other than the butt-falling-asleep issue), buy the man a few books on tape to give him a hint - if you decide to do the dating thing. If you two are serious, at least split the driving after he comes to see you the first few times.

If I told my wife that I wanted to patch things up - or any woman that I wanted to date her - I'd get some pretty interesting reactions if I followed it up with, "... but sorry, I don't want to make the drive".

Sorry about the other guy thing. That's a tough decision.

 

[Yitzchak]

First I want to say thanks for all the responses. I was really expecting everyone to tell me that I absolutely should go back since I know that God is against divorce. I have questioned my ex pretty deeply and at this point all I feel is that he is doing this because he believes that God does not want us to be divorced. He says that he feels that the divorce is the only thing standing between him and his relationship with God. His only real failure. He feels the need to make it better. He has only went out with one other woman since we divorced and it was very short term because he felt like it was wrong. He is committed to solitude if we never reconcile. However, for him it is not that difficult since he is somewhat of a loner. For me on the other hand, I desire to spend my life with someone whether that be with him or someone else. I am currently dating a very nice Christian man, but I don't feel I am being fair to him because I still have this connection with my ex. I continue to pray for God's answers. I also currently live about 3 hours away from my ex so it makes it difficult to spend time with him and he is not very willing to make the drive to see me. Maybe I am anwering my own questions, but I did make a commitment to him with God and I still feel like I should honor that commitment. That is where I get confused. Thanks for the quick replies.

I am going to give you my honest opinion. You need to make up your mind. You are dating a man but saying on the other hand that you have a commitment to our ex husband???? Sounds like wanting to have your cake and eat it too. I am not trying to be mean but I have been through divorce and there are always tough emotions wondering if you should have given it one more try or still feeling a conenction to your ex and stuff like that.
My ex had an affair and left me. but I give her credit for one thing. When she left, she was 100% clear that it was over and I was free to move on with my life. You are being tremendously cruel in giving your ex mixed signals. Either you feel you have this commitment to your ex or you don't. If you do, then you are basically dating even though you are still marryed. If you don't then you are adding hurt upon hurt by giving your ex false hope.
Make up your mind once and for all and either move on or put 100% into loving your ex no matter what. You sound to me like you are hedging your bets meaning you are afraid to put all your eggs in one basket. Because both choices have drawbacks. If you really have a conviction about being back with your ex , then invest in it fully. If not, then at least have the decency to let the man move on with his life.

 

[heartnsoul]

I am going to give you my honest opinion. You need to make up your mind. You are dating a man but saying on the other hand that you have a commitment to our ex husband???? Sounds like wanting to have your cake and eat it too. I am not trying to be mean but I have been through divorce and there are always tough emotions wondering if you should have given it one more try or still feeling a conenction to your ex and stuff like that.
My ex had an affair and left me. but I give her credit for one thing. When she left, she was 100% clear that it was over and I was free to move on with my life. You are being tremendously cruel in giving your ex mixed signals. Either you feel you have this commitment to your ex or you don't. If you do, then you are basically dating even though you are still marryed. If you don't then you are adding hurt upon hurt by giving your ex false hope.
Make up your mind once and for all and either move on or put 100% into loving your ex no matter what. You sound to me like you are hedging your bets meaning you are afraid to put all your eggs in one basket. Because both choices have drawbacks. If you really have a conviction about being back with your ex , then invest in it fully. If not, then at least have the decency to let the man move on with his life.

Good post. I would have to agree with Yitzchak. If you're not sure, then I think you probably don't feel either guy is right for you. Best to let both of them go and spend some time alone with God. You sound very confused. Usually this happens when your heart & mind is not settled. So I would recommend you take a long vacation somewhere and be alone with God, meditate, pray and maybe even fast to clear your mind. Take time to find out who you are and what you want out of life. Jumping from one relationship to another will not give you the objectivity to make good decisions for yourself. Knowing and loving yourself is key to successfully loving someone else. Your security needs to come from God. Putting your security in people will always lead to confusion and hurt. So please consider taking time out for yourself and for God. Bless you.