Do any privacy issues

[LovesEnduringPromise]

Do any of you ever have or had any privacy issues concerning inlaws wanting come over all the time and help out with the kids, especially right after you had a baby. The MIL wanted to stay overnight with you to help out? Or received ridicule from them because your parenting skills werent up to what they thought was best...or always intruding in your marriage and kids lives?
I just have this feeling that when my DH and I plan to have a child this is how our MIL/FIL will be..as they already are this way now with having to know what we are doing and his MIL calls like 2 times a day at least...
This scares and and bombardes me...maybe Im just a big worrier...but I want my privacy especially when we have a child.....and be able to enjoy the baby while he/she is a baby and not having that time taken from me b/c of inlaws always wanting to keep them or inlaws always comming over and sharing the time...or intruding in how I feed them..etc

 

[Hadassah]

Thus far there have been minimal "incurences" from my inlaws.. but there are signs there that DH and I will have to make a strong front on some issues that we feel strongly about and they'll just have to agree to disagree with us on (example: cloth diapering, withholding solids until 1 year and spacing out vaccines liberally, and nursing up to a year and possibly longer -- all due to the health issues baby is predisposed to inherit from my side of the family and wanting to ward those things off as long as possible).

I've been happily suprised to find my parents are supportive and understanding and even giving me tips and hints on how to do things on a better budget or help by sending things to us, and my mom offering to come and help cook and look after things for the first couple of weeks so I can rest like I really need to. (Hey, I can use help cooking! It isn't easy cooking tasty gluten free meals that are kosher - and MIL doesn't know how to make but a few things gluten free)

MIL and FIL have offered graciously to purchase things for baby closer to his/her arrival, and to me it feels a little pushy the way that it was said, but I know they were well intended in what they meant. We can use the help, and it is nice to have things from your grandparents when you're little.

The only things I feel pushed on are the ones I mentioned above in parentheses... MIL has mentioned off handedly that I need to just 'get used to it' and do regular diapering (I have issues with the chemicals and the glue in the straps - I'm allergic to the glue!), and the vaccines can all be done when they're called for (yeah right!) and with all the items they come with (again - yeah right) and the withholding solids so long has been scrutinized as well...

She's a nurse (has been for over 20 years) so she knows better than me who is only old enough to be her own daughter and doesn't have medical training.. (lol, but I do know way more about my own disease than she does and have been reading up these last few years in prep for a baby's arrival)

I try to just clam up and smile (just a little) and say we'll see.. if it is something I disagree on.
She and my FIL were raised differently than my parents, and also aren't believers like my family - so I have to be really careful and conservative with what I say, how I say it and how I deal with things around them. It's not as if I have to walk on eggshells around them - but I feel I have to just protect the relationship as we get to know each other better (though I've been with their son now almost 8 years and married 1year / 6 months).. I just haven't had much time with our locations to get to know them much better.

They are really good about calling before coming over and asking if we need to get something at the store if they're going.. so I can't complain much on that front. I do get to feeling "put upon" sometimes if we are invited over a lot because that means I have to make sure we have food and drink and all that, and schlep it all over to their house.

I completely understand the things you've mentioned, as it sounds like the MIL/FIL saga my sister and brother deal with.. and the only thing I can suggest is really watching what you say and do around them - but letting them know when they truly cross a line and what they said or did was out of line... otherwise it will become a festering wound and a bitterness that you both deal with for a long time.

 

[-~Truth_N_Trust~-]

yup to the privacy issues, but I have more problem with my mother than my In-Laws. My mum showed up (uninvited) at the hospital while I was in labour - really threw me off. She KNEW I didn't want her there, and I had told her I would call her, but she just decided to show up... grrrr... She is very emotional and makes it all about her, she wanted to be the 'first' to see the new baby...

But really, stressing about it won't help. The grandparents are going to get more intense and emotional (especially if it's the first grandchild), they can't help it, their baby is having a baby, and it takes some practice for them to realise they can't just slide into the parenting role again...

You will have to be strong and stand your ground, yes even through tantrums, but know that they WILL come around, they will want to see their grandchild. I would be praying for them though...

 

[Singin4Him]

We did have some privacy issues with my MIL but basically I told her I had it covered, thanks but no thanks on cooking for us (cooking is not her strong point by any means). More than that though we had a and still do deal with a great deal of jealousy from her, she is super jealous of my mother because she lives 10 mins away from me and has helped me often, especially in the beginning. But she's my mom and I felt much more comfortable with her there in the beginning, especially with her help as I learned to bf. I would have never felt comfortable with my MIL around as I learned to bf. However, my MIL has many other issues and gets her feelings hurt often and is quite the drama queen so we aren't exactly friends to begin with. You just have to set your boundries and make them quite clear to start with and there will be no question.

 

[tiredwalker]

I have honestly been blessed with ILs who are afraid of being too in our face.

My mother, on the other hand, declared that she would be here for the month prior and the month after the birth. I told her that my sister and her would have a great time while she was staying at my sisters house (my sister didn't think that this was funny). I don't mind though, because my mom is pushy in a good way, and if I need to, I can push right back with no feelings hurt.

The rest of you guys are saints!

 

[Called2Grace]

Yeah it happened to me and I never saw it coming.
It got to the point that some months after I had the baby, she would come voer around 6am and DH and her would go for a walk together, then she would stay until he went to work (8:30am). INitially it wasn't too bad, it was only maybe once or twice a week and she would get DD out of the cot, feed and change her. It was nice to have a sleep in. Then it started happening all the time. On weekends she would stay even longer.

I felt that I was never getting anytime alone with DH and DD.

When I went back to work she was aksed to baby sit three days a week. By this time she was coming over every morning at 6am, the three days she was babysitting, she wouldn't leave until almost 7pm at night. Then on the weekends, she would hang around most of the day.

I wound up staying in the bedroom. I couldn't stand being around her, she would whinge about every other member of the family and when she was looking after her other grand daughter and she brought her to our place, she would bad mouth her father in front of her! (He is a dead beat, but that is beside the point!)

We struggled through many many months of a rocky marriage, I also got really sick, and having her there made it all that much worse. DH wouldn't do anything about it.

In the end I was ready to pack up my bags and leave.

MIL has this way of making the kids feel dependant on her, she won't let them do anything for themselves! I heard her go off at her 9 yr old grand daughter becuase she wanted to brush her own hair!

Now unfortunatelt my DD also seems to have picked up that same dependancy, but we are working on that.

Eventually it all came to a head when I was talking to my SIL (BIL's partner) and she was bascially venting to me about MIL and the little girl heard and ran back and told MIL (MIL would make her tell her everything that was said when she wasn't around - she would use a guilt thing on the kids). So then my hubby rang me and told me to fix it. I rang her and we had a chat. I didn't have it out with her or anything, but she has backed off a little. DH has finally realised that if he wants to be a mummy's boy he can move back home with her, I'm not putting up with that. She doesn't come over anywhere near as much and our marriage has gotton a lot better.

Nip it in the bud NOW, becuase when you have kids it will get worse.

I have a sign, that I got recently that you can hang on the door that says "Family is resting, please come back at..." and a picture of a clock with words "Another day" where the 12 should be.

You could try something like that if you don't want her coming around unannouced?

When this baby is born, and I go back to work/uni they will both go to daycare. I'm not having the same thing happen again.

I don't mind her having a relationship with my kids, but she is going to pretend to be their mother, which she would do with DD.
When we went to family gatherings, DD would have to ask her if/when she could eat something!! I didn't realise it was happening, until someone told me!
I put a stop to that straight away. DH is to blame for that, as he was happy to let her take over the parenting whenever she was around. And I still have to say things every now and then, so that she remembers that she is a grandparent, not DD"s parent.

 

[LovesEnduringPromise]

We did have some privacy issues with my MIL but basically I told her I had it covered, thanks but no thanks on cooking for us (cooking is not her strong point by any means). More than that though we had a and still do deal with a great deal of jealousy from her, she is super jealous of my mother because she lives 10 mins away from me and has helped me often, especially in the beginning. But she's my mom and I felt much more comfortable with her there in the beginning, especially with her help as I learned to bf. I would have never felt comfortable with my MIL around as I learned to bf. However, my MIL has many other issues and gets her feelings hurt often and is quite the drama queen so we aren't exactly friends to begin with. You just have to set your boundries and make them quite clear to start with and there will be no question.

Ha same here with MIl getting her feelings hurt alot and very much a drama queen!!
I couldny imagine her helping out....yuck