Divorcing after 22 years

[Melisue3]

Well, I have never posted on this forum at all, although I read various threads at times. My husband and I separated October 6th. We've been married for over 22 years and have had many financial problems and other problems. Separate bank accounts due to mistrust and just unable to keep a joint account straightened out. We had met in church over 24 years ago. Raised our 3 children in church and worked in ministry off and on for years. He was a youth pastor for years and due to church drama and constant issues with this church or that church, we ended up quitting church completely in the last few years. Our kids are now ages 20, 19 and 16. Things have been bad for years now as our entire lives centered around the church world, and ministry and when that fell apart, our family suffered from it. Anyhow, my husband has found new interests and hobbies with motorcycles and hanging out with motorcycle buddies and going to motorcycle rallies and spending money on his hobby. Apparently, he was NOT paying the house payments and other bills either as now the house is in total foreclosure. Payments have been behind for years now and he refused to catch the payments up and would tell me he saw no sense in spending thousands of dollars on repairing the house and catching the payments up when I was going to leave him anyhow. Well, he decided due to how bad things were between us, in steady decline, and I confronted him once again about his spending habits with his motorcycle hang out buddies, going to motorcycle rallies, spending money on leather boots and leather carry on cases for his bike..just how does he have money for that and yet we are having notices put on our front door of our house to contact our mortgage lender immediately? He refused to answer me, and in fact told me his personal finances were NONE of my business and would not give me an explanation as to why he was behind on house payments and quite a few other bills (I opened his mail and found late notices of several months behind on various bills). On top of all of that, I had discovered at least over a year or so ago, he was having his personal bank statements and other bills mailed to his mother's post office box. I confronted the inlaws and my husband and was gave excuses. Finally, about two weeks before my husband left (and he moved in with his mother), he finally tells me he felt he HAD to have certain bills and things sent to his mom's p.o. box because if I saw them, it would cause major disagreements between us and he just didn't want a fight over all of it. I told him you know what you have done is WRONG if you know it's gonna cause a disagreement with you hiding finances or whatever you are hiding from me. So he left on October 6th, blatantly informed me that since me or our daughter (16 year old) no longer wanted him there, he felt he just had to go to his mom's for now. He also stated that he planned to contact the mortgage company and tell them to proceed with foreclosure on the house and that "you had better do something and do it quick and find you and Rachel (our daughter) an apartment or some place to live." Our daughter was sitting in the living room on the couch when he said this. I said okay, this is fine, you do that. Our children are ages 20, 19, and 16 and there is no point in this any longer. I had already talked to and hired an attorney at this point because I knew he was going to allow the house to be foreclosed. This is NOT the first time he's left and moved in with his mom. He did this a few years ago and came back and forth for over a week and a half hassling me until I let him come back home. Nothing got worked out in the long run. I really felt he was kicking us out of the house by telling me what he did. That was on a Sunday. I had found an apartment by the following Thursday and had my family show up at the house with trucks and cleaned out the house. After cleaning out the house and moving, I had the attorney serve him with divorce papers. The attorney told me the papers need to be filed before he calls the mortgage company. I really felt I was left with no other choice in the matter as there is no trust, no respect and my daughter and I were looking at not even having a place to live. Now..he's mad that I filed for divorce. Makes absolutely no sense to me what result he thought he was going to get out of all of that. I have not been to church in over a year and a half due to the drama and hurt my family and I went through. I plan on going to a church tomorrow..although in all honesty..it is so hard to try to find anywhere to go after being married to somebody that "was" a youth pastor for years..knows so many ministers and everywhere me and my kids have gone, I feel like I have a dark cloud hanging over us before we even try to walk in the door. My kids won't go to church anymore at all because of all the church drama that happened with their dad while he was a youth pastor. Not just in one church either, several different churches. We are taking one day at a time. It's been hard. I honestly cannot see how I was married to somebody for so long and I don't even know who he is with what and who he has become. I feel like I'm dealing with Darth Vader from Star Wars. He cannot look me in the eye and be honest with me. He refuses too and I told him your dishonesty with me and all the things you have hidden from me is exactly why you are at your mother's house and you have divorce papers. My oldest boy is 20 and he's in the Marines stationed in Hawaii. The younger boy is 19 and he was living at home until I told him that his sister and I would be leaving. I gave him the option of going with us and I would look for a 3 bedroom apartment or house. He has a full time job himself and he told me he was now 19 and he needed to be "on his own" and he moved in with some friends of his and they are all working jobs and splitting the rent and bills. He moved out of the house 2 weeks before we did. My kids and I need alot of prayer and I could really use some advice is anybody has ever been through anything like this. I have never felt so lost in all my life and I feel like I've been steady running from a snow avalanche that's trying to bury me.

 

[mkgal1]

I just wanted to let you know that I've read your post and am praying for you and your children.

 

[Hetta]

That's a truly devastating story. ISTM like the stuff of mid-life crisis, but it also sounds as though your husband has been having this 'crisis' for a long time. I don't blame you for filing divorce papers, and I would just ignore his theatrics. This guy wants to have his cake and eat it, and as he's never been made accountable for his actions before, obviously it is going to 'burn' now that he is being made accountable. I'm shocked that his parents don't mind that their adult son has rejected all of his adult responsibilities and just gone on back home like a teenager. IMO, they should never have allowed him to move back before. Again - no accountability.

If I were you, I would go on to church and just see what happens. It is a time when you really need as many people standing by you as possible. I hope that they can see that you are not responsible for your husband's shortcomings and that you will be accepted into the church fold. It sounds as though your family are nearby and supportive, and that is good.

I'm also glad that you had a lawyer and that he or she knew the best way to serve the papers.

Stay strong. You are much better off without this man/boy who has run away from every responsibility he ever had.

 

[bethrow]

Wow....what a mess. Praying for you and your children to get to a place where you feel safe, secure, and where you can begin to heal.

 

[Melisue3]

Also, I found an online Google profile my husband has had up for about a year and a half. He has no pictures of him and me on there at all. He has pictures of our kids and him and the kids, his parents, and countless pictures of himself and his motorcycles, motorcycle buddies he goes to motorcycle rallies with, all of these people from the motorcycle rallies I have NEVER met and no idea who they are. No mention of being married at all. We have had many ups and downs in the last ten years at least. I was diagnosed with a thyroid disease and that took years of medical treatments. Some things we just could not recover from and let go, or rather wouldn't let go. I really wonder from seeing that Google profile if he didn't want to be married any longer but he didn't have the spine to end it himself. Conveniently that profile was started around the same time he started having bills, bank statements and whatever else sent to his mom's p.o. box. It wouldn't do any good to say something to him about his Google profile. He would just get smart and tell me that's "his online profile" he can put what he wants too on there. Yes, true but makes no sense to be married that long and totally LEAVE your spouse out with no mention you even have one.

 

[LinkH]

Melisue3,

I'm sorry to hear about your situation. It sounds like your husband is going through a crisis. Maybe it's a 'mid-life crisis' or his response to the 'drama' of his previous career, or a combination of both. Some people turn to substance abuse, and some people turn to hobbies like motorcycles for comfort. Maybe he gets some kind of emotional comfort from buying motorcycles and hanging out with his buddies. If you two have marriage problems, then he probably isn't getting the comfort from the marriage. Was the financial situation one where he had no hope of paying for the house, and just gave up on it, or did he have enough and just spent the money on motorcycles?

It sounds like he has some issues, especially if he actually had the money to pay for the house, and if he's not trying to take care of you or his 16 year old daughter. Being in fellowship with believers who could give him some advice and correction would be good for him.

But I think I should also point out, that if you read what Jesus said in Matthew 19, the commandment of the Lord Paul passed on in I Corinthians 7, the Bible doesn't teach a wife should leave her husband or divorce him over not paying the house bill. If you split up from your husband already, the Bible says to 'remain unmarried or be reconciled to your husband.' It doesn't say you can get remarried. I'm going to pray for your marriage to be restored, and for your husband to be responsible. I'd suggest reading I Peter 3 carefully. If your husband isn't obeying the word, it gives some advice for that.

 

[Hetta]

Link, I'm just going to point out to you that her husband abandoned her and their youngest child in the most callous manner:

So he left on October 6th, blatantly informed me that since me or our daughter (16 year old) no longer wanted him there, he felt he just had to go to his mom's for now. He also stated that he planned to contact the mortgage company and tell them to proceed with foreclosure on the house and that "you had better do something and do it quick and find you and Rachel (our daughter) an apartment or some place to live."

 

[dayhiker]

Hi Melisue,
Welcome to CF. Please hang around, most people will support you here.
I want to 1st acknowledge that you situation is very hard and I'm sorry you have had to go thru that.
If I were you I'd go to church with a humble attitude yet knowing that its your husband that caused most of the problems. You might find some of the church people that you knew saying something like I don't know how you put up with his drama that long! At any rate accept the love of God and worship Him in church. Just chose not to be part of any of the other drama at church.
I wish I knew what was your husband's basic problem. It appears he is burying his head in the sand and ignoring all of his problems. But why he always has this drama around him I don't have a clue.

In Jesus' day it was acceptable to divorce when a spouse wasn't providing for his family. Jesus didn't change that, so I think what your doing is acceptable to God. You can also say you are doing what he asked you to do, ie move out and get your own place. So you obeyed your husband. You need to legally separate yourself from him to protect any money you have or earn. What he did is the same as abandonment in my book. I think your making wise decisions.

 

[Melisue3]

I have no intention of "reconciling" with him whatsoever. I have done my fair share of wrongs over the years and there are things I wish I could take back but that cannot be done. He has not let me forget about my wrongs I've done and we could not get past things that we did wrong to each other. I know I tried over and over to make things work with him and at some point I just gave up. I couldn't do it anymore. I didn't have anything left. I stayed for years longer than I should have for the "sake of the kids" and that is the worst mistake I have ever made. I think my kids suffered because of it because they saw two very unhappy people that had no respect and trust for each other. If that means according to scripture, I will be "alone"..okay then..I lived in a marriage "alone" and felt unworthy, unwanted, and unloved for a long, long time. I think when I left, he probably felt the same way and he seems content now I guess to live at his mother's house. I think he thought I would NEVER leave as it's went on for so long, but I just couldn't stay any longer, esp not knowing if we were looking at being evicted from our home anyhow. He refused to tell me how behind he was on the house payments as he had for a long time had mail sent to his mom's and statements online and had his computer password locked down and his cell phone had a password and was locked down. The electric bill was in his name and was coming up due in a few weeks from when he left. I didn't know with how things were going on, if he'd wait til close to the time it was due and tell me he didn't have the money to pay it, he's broke, I'd have to pay it or he'd shut it off. If I was going to have to pay the bill anyhow, I just found my own place and had my own electric turned on. I don't regret leaving. I have slept better in the two months since I left than I have in a long long time. And yes, in response to another poster, I have been SURPRISED by the number of people that have been happy that we left, some church people we went to church with at times. They were glad we "got out" and said it's about time. Really, really makes me wonder if other people know things that's went on that I don't know about.

 

[christsoccer]

Well, I have never posted on this forum at all, although I read various threads at times. My husband and I separated October 6th. We've been married for over 22 years and have had many financial problems and other problems. Separate bank accounts due to mistrust and just unable to keep a joint account straightened out. We had met in church over 24 years ago. Raised our 3 children in church and worked in ministry off and on for years. He was a youth pastor for years and due to church drama and constant issues with this church or that church, we ended up quitting church completely in the last few years. Our kids are now ages 20, 19 and 16. Things have been bad for years now as our entire lives centered around the church world, and ministry and when that fell apart, our family suffered from it. Anyhow, my husband has found new interests and hobbies with motorcycles and hanging out with motorcycle buddies and going to motorcycle rallies and spending money on his hobby. Apparently, he was NOT paying the house payments and other bills either as now the house is in total foreclosure. Payments have been behind for years now and he refused to catch the payments up and would tell me he saw no sense in spending thousands of dollars on repairing the house and catching the payments up when I was going to leave him anyhow. Well, he decided due to how bad things were between us, in steady decline, and I confronted him once again about his spending habits with his motorcycle hang out buddies, going to motorcycle rallies, spending money on leather boots and leather carry on cases for his bike..just how does he have money for that and yet we are having notices put on our front door of our house to contact our mortgage lender immediately? He refused to answer me, and in fact told me his personal finances were NONE of my business and would not give me an explanation as to why he was behind on house payments and quite a few other bills (I opened his mail and found late notices of several months behind on various bills). On top of all of that, I had discovered at least over a year or so ago, he was having his personal bank statements and other bills mailed to his mother's post office box. I confronted the inlaws and my husband and was gave excuses. Finally, about two weeks before my husband left (and he moved in with his mother), he finally tells me he felt he HAD to have certain bills and things sent to his mom's p.o. box because if I saw them, it would cause major disagreements between us and he just didn't want a fight over all of it. I told him you know what you have done is WRONG if you know it's gonna cause a disagreement with you hiding finances or whatever you are hiding from me. So he left on October 6th, blatantly informed me that since me or our daughter (16 year old) no longer wanted him there, he felt he just had to go to his mom's for now. He also stated that he planned to contact the mortgage company and tell them to proceed with foreclosure on the house and that "you had better do something and do it quick and find you and Rachel (our daughter) an apartment or some place to live." Our daughter was sitting in the living room on the couch when he said this. I said okay, this is fine, you do that. Our children are ages 20, 19, and 16 and there is no point in this any longer. I had already talked to and hired an attorney at this point because I knew he was going to allow the house to be foreclosed. This is NOT the first time he's left and moved in with his mom. He did this a few years ago and came back and forth for over a week and a half hassling me until I let him come back home. Nothing got worked out in the long run. I really felt he was kicking us out of the house by telling me what he did. That was on a Sunday. I had found an apartment by the following Thursday and had my family show up at the house with trucks and cleaned out the house. After cleaning out the house and moving, I had the attorney serve him with divorce papers. The attorney told me the papers need to be filed before he calls the mortgage company. I really felt I was left with no other choice in the matter as there is no trust, no respect and my daughter and I were looking at not even having a place to live. Now..he's mad that I filed for divorce. Makes absolutely no sense to me what result he thought he was going to get out of all of that. I have not been to church in over a year and a half due to the drama and hurt my family and I went through. I plan on going to a church tomorrow..although in all honesty..it is so hard to try to find anywhere to go after being married to somebody that "was" a youth pastor for years..knows so many ministers and everywhere me and my kids have gone, I feel like I have a dark cloud hanging over us before we even try to walk in the door. My kids won't go to church anymore at all because of all the church drama that happened with their dad while he was a youth pastor. Not just in one church either, several different churches. We are taking one day at a time. It's been hard. I honestly cannot see how I was married to somebody for so long and I don't even know who he is with what and who he has become. I feel like I'm dealing with Darth Vader from Star Wars. He cannot look me in the eye and be honest with me. He refuses too and I told him your dishonesty with me and all the things you have hidden from me is exactly why you are at your mother's house and you have divorce papers. My oldest boy is 20 and he's in the Marines stationed in Hawaii. The younger boy is 19 and he was living at home until I told him that his sister and I would be leaving. I gave him the option of going with us and I would look for a 3 bedroom apartment or house. He has a full time job himself and he told me he was now 19 and he needed to be "on his own" and he moved in with some friends of his and they are all working jobs and splitting the rent and bills. He moved out of the house 2 weeks before we did. My kids and I need alot of prayer and I could really use some advice is anybody has ever been through anything like this. I have never felt so lost in all my life and I feel like I've been steady running from a snow avalanche that's trying to bury me.

Prayers for your family

 

[Hetta]

I have no intention of "reconciling" with him whatsoever. I have done my fair share of wrongs over the years and there are things I wish I could take back but that cannot be done. He has not let me forget about my wrongs I've done and we could not get past things that we did wrong to each other. I know I tried over and over to make things work with him and at some point I just gave up. I couldn't do it anymore. I didn't have anything left. I stayed for years longer than I should have for the "sake of the kids" and that is the worst mistake I have ever made. I think my kids suffered because of it because they saw two very unhappy people that had no respect and trust for each other. If that means according to scripture, I will be "alone"..okay then..I lived in a marriage "alone" and felt unworthy, unwanted, and unloved for a long, long time. I think when I left, he probably felt the same way and he seems content now I guess to live at his mother's house. I think he thought I would NEVER leave as it's went on for so long, but I just couldn't stay any longer, esp not knowing if we were looking at being evicted from our home anyhow. He refused to tell me how behind he was on the house payments as he had for a long time had mail sent to his mom's and statements online and had his computer password locked down and his cell phone had a password and was locked down. The electric bill was in his name and was coming up due in a few weeks from when he left. I didn't know with how things were going on, if he'd wait til close to the time it was due and tell me he didn't have the money to pay it, he's broke, I'd have to pay it or he'd shut it off. If I was going to have to pay the bill anyhow, I just found my own place and had my own electric turned on. I don't regret leaving. I have slept better in the two months since I left than I have in a long long time. And yes, in response to another poster, I have been SURPRISED by the number of people that have been happy that we left, some church people we went to church with at times. They were glad we "got out" and said it's about time. Really, really makes me wonder if other people know things that's went on that I don't know about.

Sometimes people on the outside can clearly see what we cannot see on the outside.

Your husband has behaved irresponsibly. I'm not surprised to hear he's "content" at home with his mom. He should probably never have left the parental nest. Sadly there are some men and women like that who cannot handle the responsibility of being grown up.

 

[BigDaddy4]

But I think I should also point out, that if you read what Jesus said in Matthew 19, the commandment of the Lord Paul passed on in I Corinthians 7, the Bible doesn't teach a wife should leave her husband or divorce him over not paying the house bill. If you split up from your husband already, the Bible says to 'remain unmarried or be reconciled to your husband.' It doesn't say you can get remarried.I'm going to pray for your marriage to be restored, and for your husband to be responsible. I'd suggest reading I Peter 3 carefully. If your husband isn't obeying the word, it gives some advice for that.

Really Link? Your ability to minimize the situation is uncanny. This is more than just an unpaid house bill. While you certainly like to lean on I Corinthians 7:10 (" a wife must not separate from her husband"), you seem to overlook verse 15 ("But if the unbeliever leaves, let it be so. The brother or the sister is not bound in such circumstances; God has called us to live in peace." )

Read Matthew 12:1-14 and Luke 10:25-37. God desires mercy, not sacrifice. IMO, there is no mercy is telling someone the Bible says they cannot remarry when they are going through a difficult time in their marriage and life. There is mercy in showing compassion to our neighbors.

 

[Melisue3]

I do indeed appreciate any and all prayers. My daughter and I are doing fine. The divorce is still pending and dragged out as the ex refuses to cooperate with anything. It will now have to go to court before a Judge to be finalized within the next month or so. As for LinkH responding that he would pray for reconciliation, thank you, but that is far from necessary as my soon to be ex husband has been dating an old high school friend of his. He didn't know I knew he had a Google account and I found pictures posted of him and this other woman on his page. He says he escorted her to a wedding reception; however, they were quite "snuggled up" closely and after finding out who she was, I do think she was on his Facebook friends list and they graduated from high school together. I suspect he'd been talking to her way before he left and upon me asking him about this, he said well she is just a "friend" but maybe after the divorce is final, maybe he would want "more" and that he had "several friends." (He always has snide, in your face comments like this) I feel as though I don't even know this man as he was in youth ministry for a majority of our married life and the way he's acting now is NOT how he portrayed himself then. As far as leaving because he wouldn't pay the house bill, please understand, the Bible also clearly states in 1 Timothy 5:8
But if anyone does not provide for his own, and especially for those of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever. Therefore, if I was faced with the choice of "waiting it out" like I have also done before (house was going into foreclosure several years ago also, only reason it was stopped was because I worked for an attorney then and the attorney stepped in and stopped it), and seeing if we were gave an eviction notice OR just taking my kid and leaving and doing the best I can to make it on our own, as he kept going back into the same patterns and nothing changed, that's what I felt I had to deal with. Also, with now finding out he's probably been seeing this other woman, and we were not even separated four months when he went out with her, I'm just wondering if that was something that was going on before we split up. Probably was, and I will probably never know for sure. My daughter and I are much better off without living in the same household with him. It is much more peaceful and way less stress. The house is in total foreclosure. He made no attempts to try to keep it or sell it. It will be auctioned off at the county courthouse in less than two weeks. I feel like I am stuck in a chapter book where another chapter keeps getting closed. It's okay though. We are making it one day at a time. I have taken the two younger kids to a family counselor once a week. This has helped them greatly. I have found a church to go too and been going there for a few weeks now. I keep telling myself..this too shall pass and take one day at a time and go from there.