Divorcing A Sociopath

[Hurting2011]

Hi,

I don't have much to say because I'm really hurting. I just left my husband who is a sociopath two weeks ago. We will have been married for two years February 11th of this year.

I have only started opening up to my family in bits and pieces the past week. It is extremely hard for me to talk about. Currently, I'm fighting bouts of going up and down. I have Multiple Sclerosis so it makes the emotional aspect even more difficult. I keep claiming the blood of Jesus over my mind, thoughts, and emotions.

So, for now, it's very hard for me to open up to you. I really need support though. I'm in a safe place with my sister, starting my life again. Thank God we didn't have children. I'm 26 years old. I can't do this alone. I'm trying to accomplish things, but I keep going in circles. I just want this to be over. I want my divorce to happen now, but there are waiting periods with residency, etc. Plus, he landed me in a witness relocation program with him that I'm no longer in so I can talk about it. His identity was changed. So, not only am I married to his old name, I'm married to his new name too. I'm afraid the divorce process will take forever. We had nothing to divide financially, etc. so all that needs to be done is the divorce.

I pray, write in my journal, do a Bible study, talk to family, and read every day. I just started going to the gym with my sister. That helps, but I can't seem to fight the overwhelming feeling of loneliness and feeling stupid for allowing someone to con me. He lied about EVERYTHING! I emphasize everything because it's true.

Thank you for listening.

 

[joeno]

Sorry to hear that. Can i ask why he had his identity changed? Hope you feel better and that divorce gets settled quickly.

 

[Hurting2011]

Thank you for your encouragement. I really could use it.

 

[xique]

ive had more than my share of experience with sociopaths-or maybe its just feels that way...my dad was a mean alcoholic and now im sort of a sounding board for others trying to get their footing...
you really want to give way to the anger and hate the person-but the "Christian" alternative is a lot better-dont make them more important than they really are-see them as a person Satan is destroying...
and dont make a big deal of wahtever mistakes youve made-Satan has a lot of traps...Gods the good guy-you re not always-but He loves you=and tha tsociopath is His responsibility not yours..
i know this might sound like dimestore pop psych stuff...but at least hear this-i want you to win..

 

[Fire Angel]

Sorry Hurting 2011, For what you are going through, sounds like a good plan leaving him, so glad you have a caring family to help you through this ordeal. I hope things continue to work out for you, but getting away from a person like this was very wise of you. I hope to you can find a good counselor, who can help you process and get the healing you need so you can continue to work to have a happy life. I am so glad also you have a friend in your sister. And her taking you to the Gym is a real good plan to work a lot of the stress out of your system, and all that anger and any other kind of emotions you are dealing with.
I also think since you are not under all that stress, maybe the MS will settle down to.
Just know there are people out there that do care and understand what you are going through, you are not alone, even though you may feel like it at the time. But you are not alone.

 

[Hurting2011]

ive had more than my share of experience with sociopaths-or maybe its just feels that way...my dad was a mean alcoholic and now im sort of a sounding board for others trying to get their footing...
you really want to give way to the anger and hate the person-but the "Christian" alternative is a lot better-dont make them more important than they really are-see them as a person Satan is destroying...
and dont make a big deal of wahtever mistakes youve made-Satan has a lot of traps...Gods the good guy-you re not always-but He loves you=and tha tsociopath is His responsibility not yours..
i know this might sound like dimestore pop psych stuff...but at least hear this-i want you to win..

No, that makes perfect sense. I have noted it down because it's so true. We shouldn't spend our lives giving all the glory to satan. It goes to God, and recovering, and moving on is the best way. Thank you very much!

 

[Hurting2011]

Sorry Hurting 2011, For what you are going through, sounds like a good plan leaving him, so glad you have a caring family to help you through this ordeal. I hope things continue to work out for you, but getting away from a person like this was very wise of you. I hope to you can find a good counselor, who can help you process and get the healing you need so you can continue to work to have a happy life. I am so glad also you have a friend in your sister. And her taking you to the Gym is a real good plan to work a lot of the stress out of your system, and all that anger and any other kind of emotions you are dealing with.
I also think since you are not under all that stress, maybe the MS will settle down to.
Just know there are people out there that do care and understand what you are going through, you are not alone, even though you may feel like it at the time. But you are not alone.

Fire Angel,

Thank you so much. Your words are so encouraging. I'm doing a lot better today than a few days ago. I seem to be suffering from time distortion lol but the gym and working out is really doing me some good. I've been reading this book I just bought called "Codependency No More". It's good so far. I've also been trying relaxation techniques and self esteem builders.

God takes me through something, and I work it out with Him at exactly the right time. I love how perfect and holy He is!

 

[Fire Angel]

Hurting 2011, You can not go wrong with having the Lord working out your life with you. He has never failed me when people have at times. I have that book and I know of some other books, I deal with an abusive husband and the Lord is finding me away out. It takes time when you have a house, and so on. But being safe is important, and thank God mine is away most of the time he is a trucker.
As you read this book it will show you different things even you can do different, when you meet another person and what to look out for in a person. It is very normal to suffer from times of distortion. Very normal what you have been through. It takes courage to leave.

I answer all these posts when people write and share.
I know the Lord will get you through this, and get you healed up so you can move on in your life.
I am glad you are doing better. Keep positive is the answer to, try hard to stay out of the negative, and negative people, that will only bring you down. If you stay in the positive than you will have the strength to move on. You can move in the positive and still deal with your hurts, you just deal with that area, when need be and fine the good you are in now, and work to feeling better and happier. I do this and it is working for me. I see a counselor where I talk all my negative stuff out, and than bring in the positive and the good. And with Jesus on my side I am a winner and Victorious, and I sense you are going that way to. Praise God.

 

[Heheals04]

I got on this forum after I saw your post to specifically reply to you. You were on my heart. I want to thank God for you. He created you with such a succinct purpose. Dear, I am 25 and have had my share of difficulties where I felt very alone. I felt that my circumstances could not possibly get worse... they did. And, I want to tell you right now that that is bc you are almost there... to the place and the blessing that God has for you. God is working on you and although it sucks waiting, everything is in His timing. When He moves, it is never early, never late, but always on time. You have to take it one day at a time and keep pushing. Press into the fullness of God's love. He is drawing you nearer to Him. In the difficult days ahead, remember that all His words are true: He came to give you an abundant life. He will never leave you. He is with you in this. He is faithful. Whenever you start to hear in your mind things that are discouraging, that is not coming from God, sweet girl. Those lies have been embedded in you since you were a young girl and don't believe them. Satan is counting on you to listen. Don't be afraid. Meet those lies with truth and faith. If you cannot handle them, stop & ask God for help ask Him to reveal to you the truth if you cannot hear it rt then. Sometimes, we start to believe that bc we are unsuccessful by standards of career, marriage, etc. that we are worthless. We place labels on ourselves. That is not true. What does God say about you? You are His child. You are fearfully and wonderfully made. You are weak but now strong. You walk in NEWNESS of life. In the days ahead, when you feel the most emotional, the most discouraged, the most alone, CRY OUT to God. I promise that He will hear you. He will be your comforter. He will be your deliverer. But, Remember, your battle is not with this man. "We all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God." Your battle is against principalities and powers. Don't get discouraged. Get excited! Put on your armor. You are so INCREDIBLY valuable to the Kingdom of God that satan is coming full force on you. Something that has helped me when I am dealing with a person like this: Prov. 5:21 "For the ways of man are before the eyes of the Lord, And He watches all his paths." Surrender the burden of him to the Lord, and I garuntee you will not be dissapointed. It says in Isaiah that the Lord loves justice. He will be your great defender, your advocate and your love.

Get out there and do things that YOU enjoy. Tell God your secrets and the desires of your heart. You will be so astonished at His unending luv. I am reminded of a fav line from a song: "If his grace is an ocean, we are all drowning." An interesting thing will happen as you surround yourself with those nice people in a Bible Study and as you praise Him despite your circumstances. Just enjoy the adventure. I am no thealogian. I am just a girl talking out of my experiences. I hope that you wouldn't mind if I prayed really quick for you? (kind of wierd online)

Jesus,
I thank you for this girl who is so precious to you, Father. We know w/ faith of a mustard seed, we can move mountains. I know that today her problems seem insurmountable. But, we know that nothing is impossible FOR YOU, JESUS! In faith, we speak to the sickness in her. Lord, we know that by your stripes we are healed. Thank you that all your words are true. Thank you for that word as it applies to her. Thank you that your name is above every name, JESUS, even disease whether of the body or heart. Thank you Lord for her brokeness as it has allowed her to draw nearer to you. I ask that her mind, body, and spirit be renewed. We ask for refreshing on her. We ask that her body line up, LINE UP with the way you created her to be & in accordance with your will for her. We ask that whatever physical manifestations have attached themselves to her through this emotional struggle and that the emotional infermities too Lord break off of her in the name of Jesus. Break all of it off, Jesus. We ask for healing all over her life. Lord, in the memories that haunt her, we ask that you show up in her picture Lord by your transforming power and transform that hurt so that she is NEVER the same again. Lord we come before you and request your comfort and your presence over her in the difficult days ahead. We rebuke satan as he tries to come against her with lies. Let all of his plans be thwarted. Increase her faith, Lord. We speak increase into her giftings and faith, Father so that she can stand and then stand. Help her to stand in the midst of the storms of life. Thank you Father for the hold that you have on her. In Jesus' Mighty name.

When I was praying I saw a few things about you. You are going to be able to laugh, to dance, and to praise during the coming storms. God is going to bless you with that. Also, do you know how protected you are by God? He is holding you in the palm of His hand. Take refuge in Him. He will give you strength when it seems impossible, when all you want to do is lay down in your bed. Get out there and enjoy the fullness of all that God has for you!


I hope that you will recieve this word and test it with the scripture. It was my joy to bring you this word from the Lord. I thank Him for using even me. God bless you.

 

[Hurting2011]

WOW!

I forgot that I even made this post. And sister, I did have to marry this man twice because of the identity switch. Your post came on the anniversary date of the 2nd marriage. God has done so much in my life since I last posted. It's like you knew that yesterday was really hard for me. It was. And I cried out to Him the night before because I have been so broken most of my life from abusive situations growing up, etc.

He has opened doorways in my career. I got back into modeling, which I didn't think I was good enough, always beating myself up. I have been booking tons of work and even have a meeting to get an agent at a top fashion agency tomorrow afternoon.

He has given me an escape from my marriage by providing an attorney for me who is allowing me to make payments to get the divorce done. He has given me strength to avoid abuse of any kind, ripping it completely out of my life and is helping me to stop abusing myself as well. I have been practicing being nice to myself, stripping out all of the unsafe relationships from my life.

My health is a million times better now that I'm out of that situation. I still have an illness, but the symptoms are very minimal now. I am off all medications except for a couple of things here and there as needed, non-narcotic. I have been eating better (no longer going hungry because nobody is in my life doing drugs and stealing my money). I have been exercising.

I have taken a spiritual path with the Lord that doesn't involve having to "do" and "perform" to please Him, but knowing that He loves me, that I am covered in His Grace. For awhile, it became like a chore for me and I always found myself trying to "do" things for Him instead of just living to please Him if that makes sense. I've never felt more at peace and closer to Him than I do by just simply sitting with Him every day, thanking Him that I'm still alive, that I have a loving and supportive family, for creating such beautiful things in this world, for the awesome day I'm having, etc.

Your prayer was VERY important to my Walk in many ways, one of them being I've been having trouble with self esteem and confidence. It was beaten up badly as a kid and in several relationships. I cry a lot wishing that I could believe in myself like others do or even as God does. I try really hard. One thing I took from that bad marriage is questioning the crap out of myself and my own perceptions. God is really carrying me though. I know He is. When I cry out to Him and tell Him the desires of my heart, His flood gates open for me for such a sweet release every time. It's amazing!

Anyway, I could write on and on. Thanks so much for praying for me, everyone here.

Love,
Jami

 

[Heheals04]

Of course I did not know that date was significant to you, but God did. He knows your every waking thought and all of your needs. Continue to cast your cares on Him. When you are being critiqued in the modeling world, know that you are fearfully and wonderfully made. When you feel the most insecure, He is the most in control. He is the one person you will always be able to trust and the one relationship that is healthy. Continue to tap into Him for your strength daily. He has nothing but good things ahead. Your tone/attitude is so much different. There is nothing you can do to please Him or earn His love. Being yourself will bring glory to His name bc He created you. Look how much you have grown in just a short time. If you ever need anything in the days ahead, or prayer, just post.
God bless.

 

[Andy Pandy]

Hi,

I don't have much to say because I'm really hurting. I just left my husband who is a sociopath two weeks ago. We will have been married for two years February 11th of this year.

I have only started opening up to my family in bits and pieces the past week. It is extremely hard for me to talk about. Currently, I'm fighting bouts of going up and down. I have Multiple Sclerosis so it makes the emotional aspect even more difficult. I keep claiming the blood of Jesus over my mind, thoughts, and emotions.

So, for now, it's very hard for me to open up to you. I really need support though. I'm in a safe place with my sister, starting my life again. Thank God we didn't have children. I'm 26 years old. I can't do this alone. I'm trying to accomplish things, but I keep going in circles. I just want this to be over. I want my divorce to happen now, but there are waiting periods with residency, etc. Plus, he landed me in a witness relocation program with him that I'm no longer in so I can talk about it. His identity was changed. So, not only am I married to his old name, I'm married to his new name too. I'm afraid the divorce process will take forever. We had nothing to divide financially, etc. so all that needs to be done is the divorce.

I pray, write in my journal, do a Bible study, talk to family, and read every day. I just started going to the gym with my sister. That helps, but I can't seem to fight the overwhelming feeling of loneliness and feeling stupid for allowing someone to con me. He lied about EVERYTHING! I emphasize everything because it's true.

Thank you for listening.

seems to be what so many men do............. they have the knack of passing the buck.

If you have a system like in the UK, you can change your name by deed.

 

[GodsChild77]

Hi,

I'm so sorry to hear about what you went through. I'm impressed by your strength to hold it together enough to be here talking about it. I have been in contact with a sociopath firsthand myself... I worked in close contact with one for 3 1/2 years and she almost destroyed my life. That was her intention... she came back and wanted her job back which was mine at the time. She did everything she could to ruin my standing with my place of employment and in my personal life... she put me in situations to get me in trouble, make me look foolish and incompetent to groups of people around me, changed my work before it made it to it's destination, played constant mind games with me. When I went to the church for guidance and encouragement, the people I chose for help treated me like I was the problem or like I was mentally ill when I my response to what was going on was the normal response to an abnormal situation. I admire your strength because that was someone I dealt with 40 hours a week... but I did not LIVE with her... so I can't imagine what you've been through.

I've done extensive research on sociopathy in order to educate myself on what in the world was going on and how to better process and handle it... so that I would not lose my mind or kill myself. I understand the having tremendous difficulty talking about it... I had to leave my last church because too many people knew my business there and were constantly asking about very sensitive issues related to what I was going through and it wasn't helping my PTSD... it was keeping me from healing at all... and making me worse really. I didn't have the energy to keep asserting boundaries and really didn't know how to anymore.

Yes... be thankful you didn't have children with him. That is really a blessing. I know how you feel about the trying to accomplish things but you keep going in circles... I struggle with the same exact thing. I'm finally getting to a place where I'm starting redevelop goals... for a while there I didn't even know who I was anymore... it was absolutely terrifying... and none of the goals I'd had prior to this woman existed anymore... and in most cases I couldn't even remember what those goals had been. It's like I was a different person. I didn't trust myself and my perceptions either... it's terrifying to feel that way! It still comes back at times, but it's SLOWLY BUT SURELY dissolving away.

Can I make a suggestion? Though it's unlikely that anything would happen, you may want to be extra cautious about what personal information you put out there about you online (I don't know how much you have), but you don't want to give this man any access to you. Sociopaths are very crafty in extremely creepy and bizarre ways... and they will go out of their way to find things... as I'm sure that you are very well aware. Just be careful regarding him.

You're doing all the right things to regain your health and happiness. The gym thing is really good too... I started running again recently and it's amazing how much it's starting to help... before I was too exhausted to barely get out of bed. My heart doesn't feel like it's constantly pumping out of my chest anymore and my anxiety level is starting to go down.

I believe you when you say that he lied about everything... because sociopaths are truly incapable of telling the truth. It's taken a while for that to really sink in for me... understanding and accepting that there are people this dark and evil - totally lack empathy and really do have no conscience... and actually enjoy seeing others in pain - in the world has been something I always knew about from afar... but when it happens to you up close and personal it really hits home and it's an ugly, hard, frightening, bitter pill to swallow. But knowing the truth is what sets us free.

It sounds like you're doing much better now, from your more recent post. I'm so glad. Just in case, here is some encouragement:

I thought that I'd never get back up... but you MUST keep looking up even when it's extremely difficult and fight those strongholds that have developed, with scriptures that expose the truth in comparison. I recommend this book: Praying God's Word by Beth Moore. It's very helpful in battling different areas that you may be struggling with. DO NOT BELIEVE THE LIE THAT YOU ARE STUPID FOR BELIEVING THIS MAN - ALL KINDS OF PEOPLE ARE MANIPULATED BY SOCIOPATHS... AND THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU!!! IT COULD HAVE HAPPENED TO ANYONE - YOU JUST HAPPENED TO BE IN THE WRONG PLACE AT THE WRONG TIME - AND SADLY, IT WILL CONTINUE TO HAPPEN TO OTHERS HE COMES IN CONTACT WITH. YOUR RESPONSE TO HIM WAS THE NORMAL RESPONSE, THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU... YOU'RE ONLY HUMAN. You have to believe that... it took me forever to get to the point where I believed it, but IT'S SO TRUE!!! Another thing that has helped me to redevelop the ability to trust people (which before I didn't think I'd ever be capable of doing again) and to soothe myself when I start to panic that I'll be damaged by another sociopath... is to remember this statistic: Studies have shown that only about 4% of the population has been found to be sociopathic. So... that leaves around 96% of people that are not sociopathic... the odds are definitely in your favor. That's a comforting thought.

Time heals all... I've kept reminding myself that... I've been so impatient at times and have just wanted to feel like ME again. You really do just have to take each day one step at a time and not give up... YOU WILL GET BACK UP EVENTUALLY... DON'T TRY TO RUSH IT, IT WILL NOT HELP. WHEN IT HAPPENS, AND IT WILL AS YOU CONTINUE TO DEPEND ON GOD FOR GUIDANCE AND HEALING, YOU WILL BE STRONG AGAIN AND YOU WILL BE STRONGER THAN YOU'VE EVER BEEN BEFORE. YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH GOD WILL BE STRONGER TOO. BELIEVE IT... KEEP UP LOOKING UP EVEN WHEN IT'S HARD.

God bless you.

 

[michaelwriting]

Thank you for sharing. Getting it out and talking with others was a huge part of my recovery work. I always thought it was a big secret when I first started telling people about what was going on in my home. Instead of being shocked, one person even told me "I wondered when you were going to start doing something about that."

I had to talk with anyone who would be supportive and had to pour out a ton of the problems and complications that I was going through. I couldn't do it alone. People were more gracious and supportive than I would have figured. I think I went a little overboard talking with some coworkers, but even they were sharing some of their own problems in return, and I learned that maybe I wasn't alone in what I was dealing with.

I also did a lot of journaling like you said.

I'm sorry to hear your incredible hurt. Keep sharing as you feel the need to. I pray you can find the comfort and security you need as you move forward. Take care.

Mike