Divorced Parent Rant

[MNdad2]

I'm writing this for no other reason than to vent. During the summer months I get primary custody of our boys (age 10 and 12). My ex has it during the school year. So as you can imagine I very much look forward to the summer since I get to see my kids more often but I don't like my time with them interrupted if it can be helped. Needless to say my ex's family is having a family reunion on Sunday (my weekend) and she would like the boys to attend with her. I totally get that and have no issues with them going. But one day is now turning into two days and I now feel like my time with them is begin taken away and that I'm being a bit of a "pushover". I've always told myself that it is important that my kids get to do the things they would have normally done had their parents not divorced. This is an example of that. I realize that this is probably the right thing to do and that I need to put aside my disappointed feelings and move on. But it's hard. It's hard for several reasons. My kids are getting older and each day I don't see them really hurts. So every opportunity I have with them I look forward too and cherish. The summer is short so my "extra" time with them is short-lived. I also know that if the situation was reversed I wouldn't get the same courtesy back. I'm trying not to be bitter and I'm trying hard to be a role model for my kids, but I tell ya. It's really hard sometimes.

 

[Go Braves]

You're right about needing to put your disappointed feelings aside & move on. The kids should be able to go for the weekend without feeling like it's made you upset or caused any problems. It should be about them, not you or your ex.

 

[Kenny'sID]

I would say go with it this time, but keep an eye open (I have little doubt you will ) and if it gets bad enough, then take a stand. Sure it's about the kids, but it's about you too, so take care things don't get unfairly out of hand in either direction.

 

[MNdad2]

You're right about needing to put your disappointed feelings aside & move on. The kids should be able to go for the weekend without feeling like it's made you upset or caused any problems. It should be about them, not you or your ex.

I agree with you completely.

 

[MNdad2]

I would say go with it this time, but keep an eye open (I have little doubt you will ) and if it gets bad enough, then take a stand. Sure it's about the kids, but it's about you too, so take care things don't get unfairly out of hand in either direction.

This isn't the first time. It happens often that things like this pop up and I'm asked to give my time up, which I almost always do. I've been told that I'm too "soft" but I don't want my kids to miss out on things like this even if it doesn't include me. But that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt any less. Not just that the kids are gone but the whole situation.

 

[Go Braves]

Maybe you could plan out something special for them for another time? Something that y'all will remember as being happy for a long time to come. My dad used to be in the Air Force, deployed for long times. Then became a pilot. Is still gone a lot. He made up for it in spades when he was home. That's what I remember the most.

 

[HenryM]

This isn't the first time. It happens often that things like this pop up and I'm asked to give my time up, which I almost always do. I've been told that I'm too "soft" but I don't want my kids to miss out on things like this even if it doesn't include me. But that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt any less. Not just that the kids are gone but the whole situation.

Could you make a friendly negotiation where time you lost would somehow be compensated during the school year, if possible?

 

[MNdad2]

Could you make a friendly negotiation where time you lost would somehow be compensated during the school year, if possible?

That is certainly something I would be willing to do but without getting into my situation too deeply, I'm not dealing with a person who is always reasonable. But again, I know that my kids need to be involved in things like this. It comes down to me restraining on the self-pity.

 

[Kenny'sID]

This isn't the first time. It happens often that things like this pop up and I'm asked to give my time up, which I almost always do. I've been told that I'm too "soft" but I don't want my kids to miss out on things like this even if it doesn't include me. But that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt any less. Not just that the kids are gone but the whole situation.

Just the fact you are this concerned tells me if it gets too bad, you'll deal with it properly, even if it comes to asking advice on when enough is enough. Nothing wrong with being careful, that's to be commended, but know when enough is enough, and when to say...enough.

 

[dayhiker]

I don't have any suggestion beyond the ones given above. Get compensation time and plan a special time when you have the kids.
I like that you told us you were ranting at the start of your post. I find that very healthy.

 

[JAM2b]

I think we have already arrived at the weekend you are referring to, but I just wanted to chime in about things not being fair to a divorced parent for the sake of the kids. It is OK to try to make sure that your children don't miss out on anything because of your divorce. But the reality is that they do live the life of children with divorced parents. It is going to be very difficult to stick to that. There is likely to be things that have to be chosen between, one or the other. It's not fair to anyone involved. It is going to affect the kids. However, it can be coped with, and it is possible to adjust to this new normal.

It's a sticky situation and hurt and angry feelings are often involved. My ex lives in TX, and I live in AR. We were told we could do whatever we wanted as far as visitations, as long as we were not fighting over the boys. If we disagreed, then we had to follow the standard custody and visitation orders that are in our divorce decree. So I'm writing this as someone who faces this kind of thing every single year, summer break, Christmas, Thanksgiving, and Spring Break. I have not had a Christmas with my sons for the last three years, and won't this year either. So I totally get what you're going through.

It is OK to give in sometimes, but it is also OK to say no sometimes. It is also OK to always say, "We are going to follow the court orders." This is not a right or wrong situation. But what needs to be considered is what is the wisest choice, what is best for the children in each occurrence, and make sure that whatever choice is made you behave well with your attitude and actions toward your ex and her family.

As far as choosing what is best for the children, it is not about what will be easiest or happiest for them, but what is healthiest. Sometimes children need to see a parent stand up to someone in an appropriate way, even if it is against the other parent or family members. Healthy boundaries are never a bad thing, regardless of the situation or who is involved. Don't allow your children's relationship with your ex and her family to be more important than the relationship you have with them, especially not extended family. You are on an equal footing with your ex. Both of you are the most important people in their lives. Don't degrade her, but don't elevate her above you either.

In an effort to keep from fighting, I have often taken the short end of the stick. But there have also been times when he would try to muscle his way into making me change plans in a way that would be unhealthy for one or both of the boys. During those times, I have said, "If you don't want to negotiate, then we will follow the orders." He doesn't like the orders because they don't give him the flexibility that he needs for his work schedule. Plus it requires him to do more because he is supposed to pick up the boys and return them to me, but when we work together I meet him halfway on that. He suddenly becomes very willing to work it out with me.

It is true that your children would miss out on the family thing if you put your foot down and said no, and that would be sad. Depending on how your ex and her family reacts, it could also create a potentially confusing and damaging experience for the kids. However it is important to consider what they are also missing out on during valuable and special time with you, their father. Their relationship with you is more important than their relationship with extended family.

I think if this is something that is causing a problem for you or your relationship with your children, it could be important to have a conversation with her where you say, "you and family all know the circumstances for our children. There are specifically spelled out instruction about who gets them when. You and your family need to be mindful of this in the future because I will not be backing down again."

 

[MNdad2]

I appreciate all of the responses. The weekend came and went as I knew it would. I don't mind being flexible. Unlike many families, including some in this thread, I am fortunate enough to live in the same town as my kids. So being flexible, at least on the surface, should be easy. But I'm not working with someone who works that way. When this whole situation started she promised me that she wasn't going to keep kids away from me, "I wouldn't do such a thing". But the truth of the matter is that is exactly what she's doing. When the kids are with her and she's working, she's made it very clear to the kids that they are not allowed to visit me while she's gone. In comparison, when they are with me and I'm working, I encourage them to see their mom. This past weekend, prior to them spending time with their mom, the boys started asking me questions about the divorce. It seemed out of the blue but I welcomed their thoughts since they typically don't want to discuss it. During the course of the conversation they told me that their mom told them that I'm not very nice, that she's a better person than I am and that I can't be trusted. This blew my mind! So I took a moment to process this. I asked them if they are sure that is what they were told, maybe they misunderstood their mother, but they convinced me they were being honest. So my reply to them was this, "Do you feel this is true?" I knew before they answered me what the response was going to be. As I've stated other posts, I try to live my life like Christ. I obviously fail, as we all do, but I try. So knowing this I knew how they would respond, that no, they don't feel that way. They said if anything it's the other way around. I continued to tell them that I'm sorry that they had to hear that but no matter what, they have a mom and dad that love them dearly. Now of course in my head I was thinking other things, things that weren't very Christ-like. But I didn't say them in front of my boys.
I now realize this is another rant.
This has become one of my biggest struggles during this divorce. I don't know how to handle situations like this. In the past, early on, I would have confronted her about this but the end result would be her yelling and punishing the kids for telling me these things. So now I don't say anything out of concern of how they will be treated. I'm sure this isn't right but I've seen enough tears and pain that I want to protect them as much as I can.
I apologize. This has strayed from my original post. It's been very therapeutic to get this out even if it's to people I've never met before.
Thank you for your time.
God Bless.

 

[HenryM]

I appreciate all of the responses. The weekend came and went as I knew it would. I don't mind being flexible. Unlike many families, including some in this thread, I am fortunate enough to live in the same town as my kids. So being flexible, at least on the surface, should be easy. But I'm not working with someone who works that way. When this whole situation started she promised me that she wasn't going to keep kids away from me, "I wouldn't do such a thing". But the truth of the matter is that is exactly what she's doing. When the kids are with her and she's working, she's made it very clear to the kids that they are not allowed to visit me while she's gone. In comparison, when they are with me and I'm working, I encourage them to see their mom. This past weekend, prior to them spending time with their mom, the boys started asking me questions about the divorce. It seemed out of the blue but I welcomed their thoughts since they typically don't want to discuss it. During the course of the conversation they told me that their mom told them that I'm not very nice, that she's a better person than I am and that I can't be trusted. This blew my mind! So I took a moment to process this. I asked them if they are sure that is what they were told, maybe they misunderstood their mother, but they convinced me they were being honest. So my reply to them was this, "Do you feel this is true?" I knew before they answered me what the response was going to be. As I've stated other posts, I try to live my life like Christ. I obviously fail, as we all do, but I try. So knowing this I knew how they would respond, that no, they don't feel that way. They said if anything it's the other way around. I continued to tell them that I'm sorry that they had to hear that but no matter what, they have a mom and dad that love them dearly. Now of course in my head I was thinking other things, things that weren't very Christ-like. But I didn't say them in front of my boys.
I now realize this is another rant.
This has become one of my biggest struggles during this divorce. I don't know how to handle situations like this. In the past, early on, I would have confronted her about this but the end result would be her yelling and punishing the kids for telling me these things. So now I don't say anything out of concern of how they will be treated. I'm sure this isn't right but I've seen enough tears and pain that I want to protect them as much as I can.
I apologize. This has strayed from my original post. It's been very therapeutic to get this out even if it's to people I've never met before.
Thank you for your time.
God Bless.

I think you responded great.

 

[dayhiker]

I'll second Henry's response. The only thing that I might have added was to encourage them to trust their own judgment/feelings. I think your doing a very good job of de-escalating what your wife is doing to your kids and in the long run they will be emotionally healthier for it.

 

[JAM2b]

I agree that you handled it very well. I would continue as you are for now, but consider that as they grow up you can be more open, and probably will need to be. As they are able to understand more, they will need explanations so that they can process and heal.

How much you can respond to your children when they bring up the unfair or untrue things your ex says will increase as they age.

When I was first divorced my oldest son was only 9 and my younger one was 4. My oldest would come home angry with me because of things my ex said which were mostly flat out lies, and a few things that had tiny bits of truth which were exaggerated in a negative way or twisted to make me look bad. At the time I told my son to not just listen to what people say, but to also consider what he experiences and witnesses.

When he was about 13 or 14 he was angry with me again and demanded to know why I wouldn't stay with his dad and why I hate people and never forget things. I explained that I don't hate anyone, and I can't forget when people do harmful things to my kids or myself because then I might trust them again, which would be dangerous and reckless. Forgiveness does not require trust. I reminded him at that point of his father's abuse and told my son that his father had cheated on me. I did not go into any details, and I said it in a matter-of-fact way. Then I let it go. I didn't discuss anymore.

At the age of 17, after we moved to another state and had been here for a year and a half, my oldest son was angry with me again because my ex claimed I kidnapped them and took them out of state illegally. I reminded my son that his dad knew where we were going before we left and did not object. He had the ability to have contact with our sons constantly via phone, facebook, email, and had several visits at that point. He had access to their school information and medical information. I asked him if his father felt that I kidnapped them, then why hadn't he reported it? I pulled out my copy of the divorce decree and showed him where it says I can live anywhere without regard to geographic location with my sons. I told him that his father read this, had a chance to think about it, and signed it. He was given an opportunity to contest it, and he did not want to.

See the progression? I would never give a 9 year old a copy of divorce papers to defend myself. I would never tell a 13 year old disturbing and emotionally charged details, but I will give basic facts to them. A 17 year old challenging me gets a full debate with proof. Also each time I talked to him about things it was always because he came at me with anger and with questions. It was never to degrade my ex or turn my kids against him.

Your feelings matter just like everyone else's. You have the right to speak up for yourself. You just have to consider what is age appropriate and what your motives are.