Divorce Possible?

[Jvn]

The question here is what does God value the most? The vows of marriage or a child being with his actual parents in a happy home?

This is a tough question that I have posed to many pastors and christians.

My girlfriend and I had premarital sex and she got pregnant. Her parents are strong Christians and when they found out, our relationship took a turn for the worst. She then became distant and eventually married someone else WHILE she was five months pregnant with our child! About 8 months into their marraige, after our son was born, she and I fell in love again. Now, it has been over two years and we are both still lost. She wants out of her marriage, but feels like she can't divorce to marry another. Her husband does not know the truth about our long affair and if he did, he would probably divorce her. The more I pray, the closer I get to her and our son. She feels guilty and would rather stay married and not disappoint God, which is understandable. Everyday that passes, our son becomes more confused. I know there is no real cause for divorce on her end, but I just think that God has our son's future at heart and does not honor her marriage because she got married under such stress or now that she has committed adultery he realizes that her marriage will end soon and is trying to bring us closer together. I just don't know why, but I just feel strongly about this. Yes, we are both Christians, yet she is certainly further along the path. We have sought counsel and of course, they all reference the scriptures about divorce and how it is virtually impossible. Of course, there is no reference to our unique situation in the bible.
Is it possible the welfare of a child is more important in God's eyes than marriage? Is there room for interpretation about divorce, especially if a child is involved in this manner? How do we know? If God feels that all four parties involved in this would be better off, would he allow divorce?
When someone gets married under stress or for the wrong reasons (money, fame, for fun, parental pressure), are they bound forever? Can they be forgiven and remarry?

 

[chuck010342]

"My girlfriend and I had premarital sex and she got pregnant. Her parents are strong Christians and when they found out, our relationship took a turn for the worst"

why did this happen? if her parents are strong christians they how can they look down on this, without forgiveness?

 

[Jvn]

I have been asking myself this question for years now. I believe it is because I am older than their daughter and they think that the only times we had sex was when she had been drinking, which of course, I influenced her to do. I have not seen her parents in person since they found out, either. I have apologized over the phone and through a letter, but to no avail.

 

[chuck010342]

I have been asking myself this question for years now. I believe it is because I am older than their daughter and they think that the only times we had sex was when she had been drinking, which of course, I influenced her to do. I have not seen her parents in person since they found out, either. I have apologized over the phone and through a letter, but to no avail.

isn't the answer quite simple then? If the parents do not forgive you then they by defintion cannot be christians can they?

 

[Jvn]

True, but even good Christians make mistakes, so I must forgive them for their actions. They are my son's Grandparents after all. She values her parents opinion so much that it definitely crushed us during that important timeperiod and now, years later, she realizes that they had little information. She, too, was very mixed up at the time she got married (just turned 21 at the time). Thanks for your response and help, by the way.

 

[berachah]

I think you need to step back and assess your behavior. You are the one out of God's will. You commit and cause your ex to commit adultery. Marriage is a binding contract before heaven, and even if they divorce, you compel her to commit adultery in any future relationship. (even with you)
I think the husband must be a pretty decent guy to marry a woman pregnant with someone else's child. And what you are doing is quite the opposite.
The parents seem to only have had their daughter's interest at heart, while I think your interest is more self interest.
Leave the family alone - if you really are concerned about the child pray for him and the adoptive father.
I feel for your situation, but i think you need to put your son and ex before yourself, this time around.

 

[Jvn]

This message is to berachah. Thanks for your response. I certainly realize some of the things that have happened are not right, but what you are saying is that any woman has the right while pregnant (or a man who gets custody of a child after birth) to choose any person she wants to be the father and that the real father must accept it. Not only must you accept it, but you should pray for the father she chooses and the success of the relationship between the father and the child. Can you honestly say you would simply say, "okay, I guess I am not going to be my child's father, so I'll just simply step back and move on?" Yes, I guess he is a decent guy, but if he were that decent he would've stepped back while she was pregnant knowing that most women (particularly first pregnancies) are definitely a little different at that point in time. My son has not been adopted, by the way, not sure if you meant that. When people advise me of these things you have, I am not sure they are really advising to do what they would do or think as they would really think if they put themselves in my shoes and really thought about how they would react. The intense love you have for your children and longing to be with them is a big factor. Thanks again for your help.

 

[stryper36]

I have been asking myself this question for years now. I believe it is because I am older than their daughter and they think that the only times we had sex was when she had been drinking, which of course, I influenced her to do. I have not seen her parents in person since they found out, either. I have apologized over the phone and through a letter, but to no avail.

Why didn't you tell this to the other people in the other postings you have about this???

You are really trying to find justification.

YOU HAVEN'T BEEN HONEST IN THE OTHER POSTING, MAKES ME BELIEVE THAT YOUR NOT TELLING EVERYTHING. ALL YOU WANT IS REASONING TO GET HER BACK.
SOUNDS LIKE TO ME THAT YOUR OBSESSED WITH HER.

 

[WalksWithChrist]

What needs to happen before anything else happens is total truthfulness between all parties. She should definitely tell her husband everything and get it all on the table. Seems like he deserves to know the truth. Pray for guidance in this matter. God will lead you to the right path.

 

[Jvn]

WalksWithChrist, I agree, but she can't find the strength to hurt him or to have her parents dislike me even more. Thanks for your response.

Stryper, I haven't been untruthful. Just different conversations. About what you quoted, her parents wouldn't see me in person and I was being sarcastic about me influencing her to drink. Age shouldn't really matter, as I said she was 20 and I am ten years older. Obsession is a strong word and incorrect. I am just searching for answers not lining myself up to be criticized, but once again, thanks. I wish you the best.

 

[WalksWithChrist]

WalksWithChrist, I agree, but she can't find the strength to hurt him or to have her parents dislike me even more. Thanks for your response.

Stryper, I haven't been untruthful. Just different conversations. About what you quoted, her parents wouldn't see me in person and I was being sarcastic about me influencing her to drink. Age shouldn't really matter, as I said she was 20 and I am ten years older. Obsession is a strong word and incorrect. I am just searching for answers not lining myself up to be criticized, but once again, thanks. I wish you the best.

Whatever happens, try to treat her parents with resect but don't let their feelings dictate your actions. They aren't living your life or hers.

 

[Johnnz]

Life is not without consequences - we reap what we sow. You both stepped aside from God's wisdom and now you both have sets of circumstances that cannot be easily resolved. Your starting point must not be is divorce and remariage possible, but what is teh best solutionwe can wrk out for all four people involved - you, your ex, her new husband and your child.

John
NZ

 

[Ave Maria]

That is a very tough situation. But we must realize that God hates divorce. I do feel for you though. If she does get a divorce and you end up marrying her, I hope things go well. Remember, God is merciful and loving and understanding. I cannot judge. Only God can. I do recommend that you stay out of anything that might be considered adulterous with her. I am not saying you are involved in such a thing but it would be a good idea to stay way clear of that just in case someone were to accuse you of it. You are in my prayers.

 

[stryper36]

These are not different conversations, if you like, I could quote the similar STORY in the other posting. You are OBSESSED with her.
You cannot leave her alone.
HER PARENTS must of had a GOOD REASON to keep her away from you.
Look up the word "obsession"
You fit the description perfect.
Your not being truthful because you seem to be afraid of what people will really say to you.
So, why don't you start by telling the truth

THE FIRST THING I TOLD YOU IN THE OTHER POSTINGS YOU DID; "THERE ARE 2 SIDES TO EVERY STORY."

What would a 30 year old man being doing chasing after a 18-20 year old girl???
SEX IS THE ONLY REASON

 

[stryper36]

Happy Birthday Johnnz !!!!!

 

[WalksWithChrist]

These are not different conversations, if you like, I could quote the similar STORY in the other posting. You are OBSESSED with her.
You cannot leave her alone.
HER PARENTS must of had a GOOD REASON to keep her away from you.
Look up the word "obsession"
You fit the description perfect.
Your not being truthful because you seem to be afraid of what people will really say to you.
So, why don't you start by telling the truth

THE FIRST THING I TOLD YOU IN THE OTHER POSTINGS YOU DID; "THERE ARE 2 SIDES TO EVERY STORY."

What would a 30 year old man being doing chasing after a 18-20 year old girl???
SEX IS THE ONLY REASON

Chill out.

 

[stryper36]

I'm fine

He post this same story in another thread and was telling a whole different view about it.

I think he needs to tell the truth about everything.
He's not going to tell the truth about it
HE JUST WANTS JUSTIFICATION FOR HIS ACTIONS TO TRY TO GET HER BACK.

 

[Jvn]

I would like to let it be known that my postings were no different on the other forums, but certainly different conversations with others who had responded. Of course, I am trying to get as many opinions as possible as this has gone on for over two years now and we need help, a lot of it. To say, that it was a "whole different view" is outrageous. In fact, I copied and pasted my original post. Of course, there have been different discussions with people posting different questions. For whatever reason, one person wants me to admit "obsession" and all for sex, etc. Well, if love is obsession then I guess I am guilty. I hope that everyone on this thread is "obsessed" with the one they love. You should only want to be with them. The word may be a little strong, but hope the point is well taken. AND no, if it were just for sex, why would I take the time to find a forum such as this and seek out Christian advice? I must admit, I am a bit offended, but of course, anyone is welcome to follow up and see the other posts, if you have that kind of time. I would hope this post ends any negative posts like the few I have seen. This is not the place for negativity, you can find those forums elsewhere. Thanks again for all of your responses.

 

[stryper36]

I have been asking myself this question for years now. I believe it is because I am older than their daughter and they think that the only times we had sex was when she had been drinking, which of course, I influenced her to do. I have not seen her parents in person since they found out, either. I have apologized over the phone and through a letter, but to no avail.

You didn't post this in here; you posted this on the other thread under "Unique Divorce Situation"

I feel like he and I are suffering because she hastily got married and forever we must be punished- all because of a vow she must keep. I do know what is right, yes, but why does this keep happening over and over? # 26

Oh and how are we suffering? She and I aren't together. My son and I aren't together. We aren't together as a family. She is unhappy. I am unhappy. Our son is less happy because he has a split life. AND to make matters worse, we have to try to force ourselves to be happy because we have to. Have you ever missed someone? Wished your life was different? Missed your child?
All that wrapped into one and to me, that's suffering. # 29

Nothing will change unless she does something. I just don't think he would ever divorce her, even with her cheating. Think about it, he proposed to her during the most vulnerable and unstable timeperiod in her life (6 months pregnant) while she was pregnant with someone else's child. It was a desperate move by him, I feel. He has had ample opportunity for all the reasons you can imagine to divorce her. He has known something has been going on, but "doesn't want to know" as she has told me. It just seems like she could never divorce him unless he is abusive or cheats on her. My big question is: "Is this what God wants for her, him, our child and me?" Isn't God merciful? It seems like we are all suffering in this because of a decision they both made that, truthfully, was rash and ill-advised. So, can she ever divorce him? or is this a lifetime of punishment for a poor decision? Or is this my lengthy punishment for my sins? # 43

All you keep saying is that you and your son are suffering.
IF SHE WAS 5 OR 6 MONTHS PREGNANT; WHY DID HER PARENTS NOT WANT YOU AROUND???
I THINK THERE IS MORE TO THIS STORY THAN WHAT YOU ARE REALLY TELLING US.

1) HER PARENTS WOULDN'T HAVE YOU TO STAY AWAY FROM HER UNLESS THEY HAD A GOOD REASON.

2) SINCE WHEN DOES SHE HAVE TO CHANGE BEFORE SOMETHING HAPPENS? WHY CAN'T YOU CHANGE BY LEAVING HER ALONE.

 

[WalksWithChrist]

You didn't post this in here; you posted this on the other thread under "Unique Divorce Situation"









All you keep saying is that you and your son are suffering.
IF SHE WAS 5 OR 6 MONTHS PREGNANT; WHY DID HER PARENTS NOT WANT YOU AROUND???
I THINK THERE IS MORE TO THIS STORY THAN WHAT YOU ARE REALLY TELLING US.

1) HER PARENTS WOULDN'T HAVE YOU TO STAY AWAY FROM HER UNLESS THEY HAD A GOOD REASON.

2) SINCE WHEN DOES SHE HAVE TO CHANGE BEFORE SOMETHING HAPPENS? WHY CAN'T YOU CHANGE BY LEAVING HER ALONE.

I'm trying to figure out your reasoning for being such a jerk here. You have already been told that your posts are offensive. What more do you need? Unless you are willing to listen and give some advise instead of making accusations and assumptions, I suggest you leave. Just my opinion.