Divorce & Morality

[MemeBuster]

In the Christian doctrine divorce is often described as an immoral action if ones spouse has not broken any of his or her vows and has remained faithful. However, what if a woman is married to a man who turns out to be a "looser?" For example, he turns out to be an irresponsible person, who intellectually and emotionally is unfit to be a parent? Is it moral to have children with such a person, or is it moral to divorce him and find another, more suitable, mate?

What if the wife turns out to be the looser and unfit to be a parent? Is it moral for the husband to divorce her and find a better wife?


MB.

 

[California Tim]

Actually, according to the Bible divorce is not immoral. What is immoral is remarriage by either spouse except in the case of infidelity or to each other again.

 

[£amb]

In the Christian doctrine divorce is often described as an immoral action if ones spouse has not broken any of his or her vows and has remained faithful. However, what if a woman is married to a man who turns out to be a "looser?" For example, he turns out to be an irresponsible person, who intellectually and emotionally is unfit to be a parent? Is it moral to have children with such a person, or is it moral to divorce him and find another, more suitable, mate?

What if the wife turns out to be the looser and unfit to be a parent? Is it moral for the husband to divorce her and find a better wife?


MB.

That's the point of dating or courting a person. You need to find out what kind of person he/she is. You got to make sure that if you want to spend your life with this one person, then make sure you know them well enough to make that decision. People jump into marriage too quickly without knowing the other person too well. Divorce is just a quick solution to not trying to make it work. I am in no way saying that divorce should never be done, but I'm saying for the ones that people just want to get out of the marriage because they are not "happy" with the other person.

 

[qpmomma]

In the Christian doctrine divorce is often described as an immoral action if ones spouse has not broken any of his or her vows and has remained faithful. However, what if a woman is married to a man who turns out to be a "looser?" For example, he turns out to be an irresponsible person, who intellectually and emotionally is unfit to be a parent? Is it moral to have children with such a person, or is it moral to divorce him and find another, more suitable, mate?

What if the wife turns out to be the looser and unfit to be a parent? Is it moral for the husband to divorce her and find a better wife?


MB.

Hate to be harsh here, but she made her bed, now she has to lie in it. Too many ppl use the excuse, "but he wasn't right for me." Maybe you should have figured that out before you married him.

 

[Mr. QWERTY]

That's the point of dating or courting a person. You need to find out what kind of person he/she is. You got to make sure that if you want to spend your life with this one person, then make sure you know them well enough to make that decision. People jump into marriage too quickly without knowing the other person too well. Divorce is just a quick solution to not trying to make it work. I am in no way saying that divorce should never be done, but I'm saying for the ones that people just want to get out of the marriage because they are not "happy" with the other person.

No. I disagree on all points.

You date a person for a couple of years before marrying them. Maybe 3. Whatever. Then you are married for theoretically 40 or 50 years. There is simply no way you are going to know who that person is going to be in 40 years. Or 10. Or who you are going to be in 10 years. People change, and no amount of dating is going to let you know them well enough to know the future.

And divorce is not a quick fix. It is not done lightly, or easily. Or cheaply. Or without social/family repercussions.

Divorce is a viable, reasonable thing to do in certain circumstances, and I do not blame anybody who finds it necessary.

 

[Mr. QWERTY]

Hate to be harsh here, but she made her bed, now she has to lie in it. Too many ppl use the excuse, "but he wasn't right for me." Maybe you should have figured that out before you married him.

I love how forgiving christians are.

 

[katautumn]

Hate to be harsh here, but she made her bed, now she has to lie in it.

Not only was that harsh, but incredibly cruel, insensitive and unrealistic.

Too many ppl use the excuse, "but he wasn't right for me." Maybe you should have figured that out before you married him.

Okay, now I'm frustrated. I was with my ex-husband five years prior to marrying him. Only once did he show signs of being mildly "aggressive". After we were married, he turned into a full-blown abusive freak who tortured me and raped me on a daily basis. Are you implying that I made my bed and that I should have just stuck with him? Forget that. I was a goner. I didn't deserve that. Even with an extended courtship, you never fully know someone until you live with them and seeing how most Christians abhor cohabitation out of wedlock, most married couples don't realize they married a total creep until it's too late.

As far as being an unfit parent, if you have a child you have to put their needs and safety above even your own. A child with one parent is better for the child than two parents who are at odds with one another because one parent is irresponsible and/or abusive. Anyone who tells someone "oh, no. Your husband is only a drug addict who beats you. He didn't sleep around behind your back so you need to just suck it up and deal with it" needs to stuff it. No one knows the circumstances under which people divorce. There is no blanket answer.

 

[qpmomma]

Not only was that harsh, but incredibly cruel, insensitive and unrealistic.



Okay, now I'm frustrated. I was with my ex-husband five years prior to marrying him. Only once did he show signs of being mildly "aggressive". After we were married, he turned into a full-blown abusive freak who tortured me and raped me on a daily basis. Are you implying that I made my bed and that I should have just stuck with him? Forget that. I was a goner. I didn't deserve that. Even with an extended courtship, you never fully know someone until you live with them and seeing how most Christians abhor cohabitation out of wedlock, most married couples don't realize they married a total creep until it's too late.

As far as being an unfit parent, if you have a child you have to put their needs and safety above even your own. A child with one parent is better for the child than two parents who are at odds with one another because one parent is irresponsible and/or abusive. Anyone who tells someone "oh, no. Your husband is only a drug addict who beats you. He didn't sleep around behind your back so you need to just suck it up and deal with it" needs to stuff it. No one knows the circumstances under which people divorce. There is no blanket answer.

Sorry, I don't know the situation. But I do know that more than half of the marriages today end in divorce. I am always saddend when I hear of someone divorcing. To me marriage is permenant. Grounds for divorce are infidelity and abuse. If your spouse is abusing you or your children, by all means get out. I'm not saying stay with someone no matter what. But I know ppl who have gotten a divorse b/c they found out the other person wasn't "the one." Or they "make better friends than lovers."

To the comment made where it was implied that my post was unforgiving: it has NOTHING to do with me being forgiving. I only know a handful of ppl who have never gotten a divorce. Marriage isn't something to be taken lightly. I am NOT directing this personally at anyone. I don't judge ppl who get divorces b/c I don't know the circumstances surrounding it. As a Christian I am called to love and forgive, not judge.

Sorry for the misunderstanding. Maybe I should have explained myself better.

Christina

 

[Stinker]

In the Christian doctrine divorce is often described as an immoral action if ones spouse has not broken any of his or her vows and has remained faithful. However, what if a woman is married to a man who turns out to be a "looser?" For example, he turns out to be an irresponsible person, who intellectually and emotionally is unfit to be a parent? Is it moral to have children with such a person, or is it moral to divorce him and find another, more suitable, mate?

What if the wife turns out to be the looser and unfit to be a parent? Is it moral for the husband to divorce her and find a better wife?


MB.

If a spouse is in a situation like you describe then God has already seen the divorce in their heart long before it was written on paper. Would filing for Divorce be taking the higher moral ground even though no adultery has taken place? Yes

Some would argue that only adultery breaks the marriage bond. If that technicality is bothersome to them, they can rest assured that as soon as either of these divorced people have sexual intercourse with their new spouse, that problem is taken care of.

 

[£amb]

No. I disagree on all points.

You date a person for a couple of years before marrying them. Maybe 3. Whatever. Then you are married for theoretically 40 or 50 years. There is simply no way you are going to know who that person is going to be in 40 years. Or 10. Or who you are going to be in 10 years. People change, and no amount of dating is going to let you know them well enough to know the future.

And divorce is not a quick fix. It is not done lightly, or easily. Or cheaply. Or without social/family repercussions.

Divorce is a viable, reasonable thing to do in certain circumstances, and I do not blame anybody who finds it necessary.

I was referring to the people who are going to get married, not the ones that have been married for X amount of years. I know people change. The goals that my husband and myself had at the beginning of our marriage is very different than it is now. We have worked through many things and divorce is something that is never thought of in our marriage. As I said, I believe there are grounds for divorce. I never said that divorce shouldn't happen. I've seen my brother and sister go through divorces. One was because the wife didn't want to be married anymore. And the other was because the husband got into drugs and my sister divorced for the safety of their newborn child.
I was talking about the divorces that are used to get out of marriage because they decided that it's not something that they want to commit to.

 

[christalee4]

In the Christian doctrine divorce is often described as an immoral action if ones spouse has not broken any of his or her vows and has remained faithful. However, what if a woman is married to a man who turns out to be a "looser?" For example, he turns out to be an irresponsible person, who intellectually and emotionally is unfit to be a parent? Is it moral to have children with such a person, or is it moral to divorce him and find another, more suitable, mate?

What if the wife turns out to be the looser and unfit to be a parent? Is it moral for the husband to divorce her and find a better wife?


MB.

You can't just dump the other partner just because they may be a "loser". Bad luck, depression, problems with alcoholism or drugs may contribute to the loser-ness. A good partner will try to help the other and stick by them, until they heal.

God bless.

 

[ShortCircuit]

I have had a hard time with this one............personally.

I married the first time at 18 years of age. High School Sweetheart that was secretely addicted to perversion, pornography and touching yourself. I was a very sheltered 18 year old and had never been exposed to any of this. We were married 11 years. We have two children together because I thought becoming a parent might help him change............NOT. After many affairs (his) I finally filed for divorce.

I married the second time at 31. Husband #2 became involved in an affair during year 6 of our marriage. I chose to forgive him and work things out because I just could not bear to "fail" again. In year 8, I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis.......he claimed he could not cope with this and began an affair with a girl from his office who happend to be younger than his oldest son. It broke my heart. We divorced.

I had decided that I would stay single for the rest of my life and deal with this terrible disease as best as I could. Then, and I firmly believe this....God blessed me with a man as my third husband who is a Christian and loves and supports me in my good days and my bad days. We have been married 6 years.

So, while I do believe that divorce is NOT a good thing for anyone, I also believe that I am forgiven by God. I know that HE knows I never went into any marriage with the idea that "if it didn't work" I could get out of it.

There are so many of us Christians who have suffered through divorce. I don't know how anyone survives something so traumatic without the love and grace that only GOD can provide.

 

[gwenmead]

I had a hard time with this one too, when I divorced. I was Christian at the time and it took me a very, very long time to come to the decision that I had to leave. I didn't want to give up at all, not only because of doctrinal issues, but also because - well, I'm just stubborn that way.

I didn't leave my spouse because he was a "loser". I ended up leaving because there basically wasn't ever any marriage to begin with. We went through the ceremony, signed the papers, and shared living arrangements, true. The thing that I found frustrating is that it's as if my now-ex just never actually got around to fulfilling the vows we took. It was almost like he acted like he had better things to do, and when he felt like creating a marriage relationship, he'd get around to it eventually.

You can really only bash your head against a brick wall so many times before you realize your brains are all over it. My spouse was a chronic stonewaller. It just isn't possible to have a relationship with someone like that. Believe me, I tried. I tried everything I could possibly think of and more, and y'know - I just couldn't make him connect emotionally. He was and is an extremely intelligent, capable individual, but I think he's so deeply stunted emotionally that at the time I certainly couldn't help him. It was better in the end to let him go. The quality of both our lives improved a hundredfold. Mine certainly did, and his seems to have done also.

But yeah, it was very hard. I've had all kinds of responses to my divorce. Some people have been totally sympathetic. I got a lot of support from family and many of my friends at the time. Others have been judgmental, kindly or unkindly. It was hard to face people at our church, and there were other friends I lost too. I've been told I disobeyed God, and I've been told that I did what was best.

In the end I just realized that regardless of what any holy book says, or what any church says, or really what anybody says, I valued the quality of my life more than anybody else's condemnation. I still do. If there are cosmic consequences I'll meet them, but I don't think there are - I think the consequences are limited to my lifetime and the lifetime of my ex, and I've already met those.

Anyway, just a personal anecdote. I dunno if it's worth anything, but there it is. Thanks for reading.

 

[flicka]

I was talking about the divorces that are used to get out of marriage because they decided that it's not something that they want to commit to.

The problem with this kind of thinking is you really don't know what you are talking about. By that I mean you don't know the details of anyones relationship. No matter how well you know someone you are not going to be privy to the intimate details, the hows and whys, of their marital breakup. Perhaps those you know who have divorced for questionable reasons know things you don't? People like to keep private things private and sometimes it's easier to say things 'just didn't work out' than to expose those issues to the judgements of others.

 

[ShortCircuit]

The problem with this kind of thinking is you really don't know what you are talking about. By that I mean you don't know the details of anyones relationship. No matter how well you know someone you are not going to be privy to the intimate details, the hows and whys, of their marital breakup. Perhaps those you know who have divorced for questionable reasons know things you don't? People like to keep private things private and sometimes it's easier to say things 'just didn't work out' than to expose those issues to the judgements of others.

SoTrueflicka

I was so ashamed and fearful of telling my parents #1 that I had come to the realization that I had to divorce my husband.Ialso did not want to tell them some of the details because they were embarrasing. Also,as I stated before, he was addicted to perversion and Iwas convinced that he had molested our two year old daughter. I did not want to grieve my parents with this information.

As a result, I kept quite about many of the details.My family then did not support me and I suffered through six months of anguish as they were on "his" side. Eventually, his true colors were visible and my family apologized to me.

 

[katautumn]

Well, it seems like everything else has been covered; however, I wanted to extend an apology to Qpmomma. I got angry, because this is a topic so close to my heart, and I was way hypersensitive when I responded to your post. I very much appreciate your further clarification.

 

[jayem]

Any divorce is a sad and unfortunate situation. It's one of the top 4 or 5 most stressful events that can occur in anyone's life. But religious condemnation is one of those legalisms that make religion look punitive, inflexible, and out of touch with modern life.

Though in our family, we don't believe in divorce. Murder, yes. But not divorce.

 

[MemeBuster]

Thank you all for taking the time and responding.

There seems to be a general consensus in most of your replies in that we live in a gray world, where the issue of divorce, like many other issues is not as black and white as we would hope. In other words, adultary is not the only acceptable justification for divorce, but far from it. In the real world there are many situations, in which getting a divorce can be the right decision, both for oneself and for ones children.

One of the reasons I have a hard time accepting Abrahamic faiths is their black and white view of the world. We live in an incredibly complex world and in my experience, most religious worldviews are too simplistic and obsessed with outdated traditions and practices to adequately guide us through life in this complex and ever-changing world.


MB.

 

[£amb]

The problem with this kind of thinking is you really don't know what you are talking about. By that I mean you don't know the details of anyones relationship. No matter how well you know someone you are not going to be privy to the intimate details, the hows and whys, of their marital breakup. Perhaps those you know who have divorced for questionable reasons know things you don't? People like to keep private things private and sometimes it's easier to say things 'just didn't work out' than to expose those issues to the judgements of others.

I'm starting to think that my posts have been misunderstood.

 

[Autumnleaf]

In the Christian doctrine divorce is often described as an immoral action if ones spouse has not broken any of his or her vows and has remained faithful. However, what if a woman is married to a man who turns out to be a "looser?" For example, he turns out to be an irresponsible person, who intellectually and emotionally is unfit to be a parent? Is it moral to have children with such a person, or is it moral to divorce him and find another, more suitable, mate?

What if the wife turns out to be the looser and unfit to be a parent? Is it moral for the husband to divorce her and find a better wife?


MB.

In every marriage I've seen there are reasonable excuses for either side to divorce the other. Not Biblical reasons, just reasonable ones.