disrespectful step son

[butterflyKisses2009]

I don't know where to begin, or why I'm even posting this...I guess I'm searching for advice and seeking guidance. I have been a step parent to D since he was 6..he's now 12. His mom and dad got a divorce due to her cheating and drug problem. He also has a younger brother..C who is 7. I have a decent mother/step son relationship with C...D on the other hand can not stand me! His father travels through the week..so it's just me and the kids C and D, plus my two from a previous marriage. I am the one that disciplines until my hubby gets home on Fri. I know that D wishes that I wasn't his mom, he still wishes that is real mom was in the picture. I can ask him to do his chores or homework..whatever and it's like pulling teeth! In front of our family and friends, he acts like we have a good relationship..behinds closed doors it's another story. Explaining this to my hubby is another problem, He just doesn't get it. C and D's mom isn't even in the picture because she can't get her life in order. Her next fix is bigger then her love for her kids. My hubby has tried to explain everything to D about his mom...all her problems, how she also lost her other two kids and how she can't herself out of jail. But still..he would rather her be his mom. I have tried to explain to him that any mom..or parent who truly loved their child would move heaven in earth to be with their child..but she doesn't want to see them, doesn't ever call them..not even on their bday's and doesn't pay childsupport (not that that matters). It hurts that after all this time and after all I do for him, he just doesn't want me in his life. On mother's day...I never get a happy mother's day from him. On my birthday...I don't get a happy birthday from him, but yet his brother makes a big deal out of it. Any help or advice would greatly be appreciated. I'm tired of hurting. I've prayed, sat down and tried to talk to him, seeked concealing and still can't figure it out. I've tried to be his best friend...took him out just the two of us on mom and son dates and nothing. I hate the stress that this is causing the whole family and having my husband feel like he's put in the middle. I just don't know what to do any more...

 

[eatenbylocusts]

I have tried to explain to him that any mom..or parent who truly loved their child would move heaven in earth to be with their child..but she doesn't want to see them, doesn't ever call them..not even on their bday's and doesn't pay childsupport (not that that matters).

You will never win him over by putting down his mom. Despite how messed up his mom is; she is his mom. She is part of him and he is part of her. How can you really expect him to forget his mom? He has a right to miss her and grieve for her. Can't you imagine how it would feel if your own parent had done this to you? When/if you put her down, you are putting him down also. Has he had a chance to go to counseling so he can have a safe place to vent his feelings? He may hold back on showing you affection because he feels it would be an insult to his mom.

My ex left the country without a word. He stopped paying child support about a year after he started. I do not need to tell my kids about this or put him down. They can figure out this stuff well enough as they get older. The only thing I told my son who was about 10 at the time was that it was wrong for a father to leave his kids. I wanted him to know that that wasn't what men should do. I have reminded my dh to be careful about what he says about his son's mom and he has trouble at times. It never helps.
You really aren't supposed to be his friend yet. You are his step-mom. That comes later toward the late teens.....hopefully.

 

[ImperialPhantom]

Yup. I have divorced parents and one loved to put the other down. Guess which one is out of my life now???