Discussing Intimacy With Sibling

[Redguard]

Brothers and sisters should not, at any time in their life, talk about sex and intimacy with each other. I think it crosses too many lines.

I'd be interested if you could elaborate on this thought.

I'm not saying that I'm promoting brothers and sisters discussing sex with each other, but I'm just curious to know if your angle is one that suggests the dangers of "incest" or something.

 

[MikeK]

In my case, I will discuss it with my like-sister (best friend who is like a sis).... it's rare that we do, and when we do it's to work out difficulties.

If I were your husband (and of course I am not), I would expect that any such "difficulties" were discussed with me, your life partner, frankly and honestly before you went discussing our sex life with a 3rd party, no matter how good of chums you are.

 

[Filina]

Sad to say, at times are abusive husbands who want
to keep too many things as a secret... (and I'm not talking about sex life only)...
NO counsellor of any kind is welcomed in the couple so he can go on and on doing as he pleases.

 

[HeatherJay]

Sad to say, at times are abusive husbands who want
to keep too many things as a secret... (and I'm not talking about sex life only)...
NO counsellor of any kind is welcomed in the couple so he can go on and on doing as he pleases.

One of the exceptions I was thinking about...

Also, I think there are certain physiological issues that very few men can understand and identify with about a woman's sexuality. I sometimes need good girlfriends to discuss certain things about my body with. If I had a sister who wasn't 13 years younger than me, I'm sure I would have shared my questions and concerns with her.

I don't suggest going behind your husband's back to talk to other females about sex, but I think that men should be more understanding in that sometimes we just need a woman to say, "yeah, been there, done that, sis."

I get grossed out whenever my brother makes sexual references about women (even his wife)...because he's my brother and he's just doing it because he knows it grosses me out...so no, I'd never go to my brother with concerns or questions. Simply because that's not the type of relationship that I have with my little bro. But I always thought if I had a sister close in age, it would have been different...mainly because my girlfriends and I have always shared so openly with each other.

I've always talked openly with my hubby about our sex life...and he knows the kind of open relationship that I've always had with my girlfriends, and he understands the need I have to have other women to identify with. So in our relationship, it's really a non-issue. He's fine with it.

Not all relationships are as open and relaxed as ours is, apparently.

 

[MikeK]

Sad to say, at times are abusive husbands who want
to keep too many things as a secret... (and I'm not talking about sex life only)...
NO counsellor of any kind is welcomed in the couple so he can go on and on doing as he pleases.

I should have clarified that a bit, I wasn't talking about an abusive relationship. If you're being abused, you would be wise to take it up with the Police.
I certainly was not implying that abuse should be tollerated, I was saying that if either partner is expiriencing sexual difficulties of any sort, they should NOT keep this secret from the people that they choose as their partners for life. You aren't doing your spouse any favors by failing to share your true feelings about the intimate details of your marriage with them.

 

[Daisy321]

I discuss all kinds of life issues with my sisters, but I should never discuss anything about my marraige that would offend my husband.
He is my top priority and his concerns are my concerns.

Consider your spouse and his/her feelings about this issue first. Then go from there.

 

[Filina]

The issue we are discussing it's kind of complicated one.

Of course a balanced and clever woman is not prone to discuss her sex and intimate life, if there's no need to do it.

Sometimes though there are things which even
a good husband doesn't understand, because of the well known differences between sex.

A mature and understanding male has to trust his wife. She needs to share and learn from other women.

Even in forums like CF people talk all the time about sex and the related issues.
It's very clear that there is a need to be met.
To deny it, is asking for troubles.

 

[MikeK]

Sometimes though there are things which even
a good husband doesn't understand, because of the well known differences between sex.

Maybe so - but even these issues should be discussed with the spouse first and honestly. If I have an issue with our sex life, I let it be known to my wife exactly what I'm feeling, without holding anything back, 100% honesty. I like to think that she would do the same. I don't go running off to my brother to ask him about it. I am blessed to have a brother who I am very close to, and a best friend who I am very close to. Neither have any idea what happens in my bedroom, how satisfied I am with my sex life, etc. I'll talk fishing with them all day long, but if I have an issue with an intimate part of my marriage, you better believe I'll seek my spouse's council before I seek anyone else's. We might be different, but we are one.

 

[lin1235]

I won't discuss particulars of our sex life with anyone, including my sister and brothers. But then, we haven't had problems that I needed to discuss with anyone yet! I generally don't feel the need to talk about sex with anyone - I mean, I don't hide the fact that we have a sexual relationship (we have a daughter, for crying out loud, if us having sex is a surprise to anyone they need a lesson in the birds and the bees) but I will never give particulars. It's just too special between my husband and I, nobody else needs to stick their noses in.

 

[DaffodillysDad]

One of the things that makes my relationship with my wife so special is knowing that some things are ours and ours alone.

I can not think of any situation where I'd be comfortable having such a conversation with anyone other than my wife. And maybe I'm insecure, but I would be hurt/disappointed to know Barb was discussing the intimate details of our marriage with anyone other than me.

 

[Mskedi]

My siblings and I don't have that type of relationship, so that's not an issue on my side at all.

My husband's family is very open about such things, though, and I just assume they talk about it. Doesn't bother me. Sibling relationships are incredibly important and I wouldn't dare set boundaries on it, just like I would expect he not set boundaries on mine.

 

[JCmyFriend]

We joke about it. No serious conversations though. I don't think it's wrong, just weird.

 

[seamonster]

Intimate issues we discuss.

Intimate details we do not discuss.

I would much rather my siblings feel comfortable talking and asking questions with me (since they're unmarried) than with their friends, who might give them bad/unchristian/incorrect information.

 

[Filina]

Intimate issues we discuss.

Intimate details we do not discuss.

I would much rather my siblings feel comfortable talking and asking questions with me (since they're unmarried) than with their friends, who might give them bad/unchristian/incorrect information.

Clever comment!

 

[CuriousInIL]

Intimate issues we discuss.

Intimate details we do not discuss.

I would much rather my siblings feel comfortable talking and asking questions with me (since they're unmarried) than with their friends, who might give them bad/unchristian/incorrect information.

This distinction is one I made in my head and not on screen here but it does point out what I was really asking about--issues--not details.

Does that change anyone's answer? Is it okay to discuss issues?

 

[Evangelina]

Here are a couple of examples that I'd be comfortable talking to female friends about:

- pain/discomfort during sex
- tiredness/loss of libido during pregnancy

Both things that a hubby can't help too much with when it comes to experience and advice... and that other women can.

 

[MikeK]

Is it okay to discuss issues?

It is if your spouse says it is. They come first. If, after these issues have been discussed fully and frankly together, your spouse says you should seek outside council, so be it. If they are not comfortable with such, you should not. It's very simple.

 

[CuriousInIL]

It is if your spouse says it is. They come first. If, after these issues have been discussed fully and frankly together, your spouse says you should seek outside council, so be it. If they are not comfortable with such, you should not. It's very simple.

I guess I do not see it so simply especially if there is an ongoing unresolved issue between the spouses. It just doesn't seem right to me that especially then (although for me other times as well) that one spouse can just trump the other and say--you cannot get any help with this because you cannot discuss it with anyone but me.

I think each spouse has the right to discuss "issues" with whomever they see fit--but, of course need to keep foremost in mind the intimate natuire of these things and thus choose those that can do so properly.

 

[MikeK]

I tend to think that our spouses kind of "own" us in this regard. If it makes your spouse uncomfortable, just don't do it. Would your spouse be cool with discussing the issue with a profesional who has dedicated their life to working out intimate problems with her present rather than someone she knows, someone who may or may not have helpful advice to give?

 

[Ragedy]

I so agree with Seamonster. That is the line that my siser and I draw with our discussions on sex. I don't go into intimate details, just issues that I might be having. I would never discuss my husband's issues. Only as I know he would be so upset and it would compromise our trust. But as my sister is not married, it is nice to have someone else to talk with about it and get a different perspective.