disciplining my child I have run out of ideas

[beccasmommy]

I have an extremely stongwilled little 5yr old boy. Iam having problems with him seemingly not understanding that his actions have consequences. For example: throws a controller at his cousin because he is mad = him not palying video games because he cannot control himself when angry

Has a tantrum when it is time to leave grann's= not going to her house.

today it had been all of the above + more. now we have a special outing planned for friday and he has been shown MUCH Grace and Mercy this week as his dad came home for the week (he works out of town) so today we had a rash of bad behaviour and he got the max punishmet that I can mete outas follows: strike 1 - early bed time
Strike 2 - no privs (tv, friends over, etc)
Strike 3 - Grounded (no outings)

no I am feeling extremely guilty because now he is SCREAMING that it is not fair that he cannot go and his siter can and I am sooo frustrated b/c I really try to mellow out the not fair thing and I just simply don't know what to do HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLPPPPP!

 

[map4]

Does you husband back you up on the disciplining and does he discipline also?
I ask because my husband drove a truck when our kids were young. He was gone for about 3 weeks at a time and home for about a week. I did all the discipline while he was gone. When he was home I wanted help but he wouldnt do it because he felt bad about being gone and didn't want to have to spend any of his time home disciplining them. He backed me up, he just didn't want to do it himself.
I didn't like that as I didn't think it was fair that I was the only one doing the disciplining. Thankfully our boys were usually good but there were still times when they needed their daddy to put his foot down.

It's hard to always know the right thing to do. Especially when those guilty feelings start coming. I'm not saying it would be wrong to change your mind about him going on the outing but your son also needs to know that when you say something, you'll do it. He needs consistency between your words and actions. If he senses that he can 'get to you' and make you change your mind he may play on that...kids are good at seeing the holes in our armor .
As you know, love is tough somtimes. But letting him miss something he really wants to do may teach him the lesson you are trying to teach him.
If you do change your mind, let it be because he has earned back the right to go and not because he has made you feel guilty. That is not a good pattern to start. It will only get worse as he gets older.
I've worked in an elementary school office for 10 years and I've seen kids do this to their parents. 'Make mom feel bad and I'll get my way'. And mom gives in.
A strong will in a child is not a bad thing. We just have to train them to use that will the correct way. It's not easy and you'll not make the right decisions everytime. But my advice is to be consistent, let him know you are the parent and he can't control you, and try to find a productive outlet for him to express his will. This will benefit you both when he gets older...a teenager...and your wills clash. Teach him now 'who's boss'

 

[beccasmommy]

Thanks sooo much! I reallllly don't want him to miss out but I am not sure how to get him to earn back the trip. He just doesnt get it, (I get the guilt part from my mother in law who seems to think that I need to love him more, whole nother story there) I am sad for him b/c he is usually very good. He trys the if I get to go I will listen thing. (doesn't work) I dunno I want him to earn it back but he has had sooo many chances and I am trying to do the right thing, God gives us unlimited chances to come back and do right but I have no idea when to say enough, I may just let him choose the punishment such as maybe he can come but no treats from the toy/candy store at the place we are going whaddya all think.

 

[dawnsday]

So, this isn't discipline, but it's something that worked for me while I cared for two very out of control children (not that yours is, but these kids were off the charts unbehaved).

I would watch Supernanny with them. For every bad thing they saw a child do, they got one point. For every good thing they recognized, they got one point. But they only got the point if they could say WHY it was good or bad. Then they could buy treats with their points.

It taught them what was good, what was bad and why. They became great counters in the process too!

 

[Robinsegg]

At 5, he should have some understanding of consequences, if you've been disc. all along and been fairly consistent. Have you talked to his dr or teacher about this?

Does he seem to process the world through sight, sound or touch? If you answer that ?, I might be able to give some specific ideas. Also, do you know his love language? Either of those would help.

Rachel

 

[HeKnowsMyName]

Could you start from this point on and tell him if he behaves - no more tantrums, throwing, etc - that he might possibly earn the trip back?

Do you think his actions might have anything to do with your DH being gone so much? Is this job new? The reason I ask is that my DH went on a mission trip last month and DS was not his usual self. He was hyper and even threw temper tantrums which is not normal for him. We associated it with DH being gone because he has been perfectly fine since DH has been back.

 

[bliz]

strike 1 - early bed time
Strike 2 - no privs (tv, friends over, etc)
Strike 3 - Grounded (no outings)

This is overkill and not immediate enough for a 5 year old. Going to be early comes at the end of the day, hours after the infraction he may hardly remember. Plus, it makes going to bed a punishment and ending days on a our note.

The grounding concept may work well with teenagers, who like to and who are accustomed to being out on their own, but to a kid whose favorite people on the planet are still you and his dad, it's not such a good deal. And it hurts sister as well, who may not be able to fully enjoy herself with a cloud over the outing.

I used timeouts, administered the way the Nanny does on TV, one quiet minute in a safe, no fun, spot, per year of age (which means that 5 min. peacefully may take 25 minutes to an hour to accomplish) and logical consequences, which you are using. Tumeout is not so much a punishment method (though it will at first seem so so your kids) as it is a self control method. Some day when you are having a hard time with things, take a step back and say "You know what? I'm going to give myself a timeout!" And go and sit quietly by yourself for 10 minutes.

You also need to give him acceptable means of expressing his feelings. Can he draw a picture of how angry he feels, instead of shrieking or hitting? Can you listen to him, providing language he might not yet be able to use? "I see that you are very upset. You are frustrated! You want very much to do X, but you have to wait for your turn and it's hard to be patient. Is that it?" Kids are often feeling beyond what they can express but often we can do it with and for them.

That strong will is a God given personality trait, and it will serve God and your son well in years to come, but I know it is really hard right now.

There's also nothing wrong with showing your child mercy. If you do it all the time, it's meaningless, but God has been merciful to us, how dare we not demonstrate mercy for them?

 

[suzybeezy]

As a mother of a strong willed child myself, one lesson that I have learned is to never start the "earn it back" game. I mean you will be teaching him that he can do what he wants, your punishments are meaningless cause he can just earn them back. The earn it back game is played best when you have parental guilt. The best way to truly send the clear message, especially at this age, is follow through. If you want him to understand there are consequences, then make sure there ARE consequences. If he is told if you continue this behavior then you won't get to go and he continues then its his choice and he has to accept the consequence - there should be no guilt for you as it was his choice.

And trust me when I say it is far better to stick to your guns and not given in by playing the earn back game now when he's young then letting this continue - cause as he gets older it will be 10 times harder to teach as the pattern will have been established in his mind.

As hard as it is, be consistent and follow through - best advice for dealing with a strong-willed child.

 

[beccasmommy]

There's also nothing wrong with showing your child mercy. If you do it all the time, it's meaningless, but God has been merciful to us, how dare we not demonstrate mercy for them? I agree totally, in life there is still consequneces for sin, yes we are ultimately shown mercy and grace but we do still have consequences. I have not decided what to do, but thank you all for you ideas it is nice to have some other views on the stiuation.

 

[Robinsegg]

For the immediate situation, I would choose between the following 2 options:
1: Stick to my guns and re-evaluate how immediate future consequences should be, having decided the original punishment was valid
or
2: apologize to my child for making an unrealistic punishment, assure him that such will not happen in the future, and tell him the original punishment is rescinded along with what it *will* be for the next such behavior.
R

 

[joey_downunder]

I have an extremely stongwilled little 5yr old boy. Iam having problems with him seemingly not understanding that his actions have consequences. For example: throws a controller at his cousin because he is mad = him not palying video games because he cannot control himself when angry

Has a tantrum when it is time to leave grann's= not going to her house.

today it had been all of the above + more. now we have a special outing planned for friday and he has been shown MUCH Grace and Mercy this week as his dad came home for the week (he works out of town) so today we had a rash of bad behaviour and he got the max punishmet that I can mete outas follows: strike 1 - early bed time
Strike 2 - no privs (tv, friends over, etc)
Strike 3 - Grounded (no outings)

no I am feeling extremely guilty because now he is SCREAMING that it is not fair that he cannot go and his siter can and I am sooo frustrated b/c I really try to mellow out the not fair thing and I just simply don't know what to do HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLPPPPP!

Boy you made me remember my boy when he was 5!!! He was and still is very strong-willed and sensitive at the same time. I wanted to tear my hair out at times. Unfortunately my husband had to go away overseas for 6 months as well so I really had to do it all by myself!

I was very fortunate to get a family counsellor during that time. She gave me the advice to set firm limits and not give into any guilt games or manipulative behaviour. "Like it's not fair" when I had to spend more time with my toddler. I had to count 1-2-3 and then give an immediate punishment that I had already warned him he would get. That way the punishment was given a lot more rationally and before I lost my temper and totally over-reacted.

It took quite a while and the behaviour got worse before it got better but it did work eventually. It's like they have to test you to see if you'll stand your ground! I had to remind myself that I was just as stubborn when I was little and I grew out of it as well!

 

[Robinsegg]

Oh, at our house throwing fits must be done in one's own room with the door closed.

If your son is really strong-willed, I recommend the book
Aaron's Way: The Journey of a Strong-Willed Child by Kendra & Aaron Smiley. It's by a woman and her now-grown strong-willed son. They have a lot of insight about strong-willed kids

R

 

[myanchor]

Do stick to your guns once you've announced the punishment, even if you regret it.
Timeouts work for our daughter. And yes sometimes it take a long time for her to calm enough to accept it.

Spanking was the only thing that did work with our son.

Remmber you are his mom, not his friend, being a mom is not a popularity contest. Nor is being a dad.

Getting the best of your child now is essential. You and hubby getting on the same page is also essential. We didn't with our first two, and we paid, boy did we pay. Now the youngest can't find a way to split us and she generally goes along with us.
She's tried the shopping of an answer bit and found out it doesn't work. She also one time asked me if she could do something and I asked what did mom say. She told me mom said yes. I then said why are you asking me, you already have the answer you want. Did you want me to say no? Her eyes got big and she shook her head and went on to play.

 

[MLEN]

Hi Beccas..

This may be controversial with some parents, but I do believe that in the earlier years of childhood a spank may sometimes be required to teach obedience and respect. For some this may be unthinkable, but when administered in the right way, it will make a big difference.

I speak from experience. My darling son (who is now 6) has always had a strong will. He spoke very well from a young age and could reason his way out of anything. I clearly remember not wanting to spank him from the time he first showed signs of willful rebellion as a toddler for fear that he would learn to hit others. I did time outs, took away things, offered incentives - nothing worked. But after much prayer God revealed to me through various avenues that one or two firm spanks on the bare bottom was necessary for him. First, a warning. Second, a spank (administered without anger) for continued willfully rebellious behavior. Afterward I would remind him that his punishment now is because I love him too much to see him suffer greater punishment later in life due to disobedience. Then we would pray and ask God to help him to obey next time. This takes consistency, patience and time from the parent - but it pays off in the end. I only started such form of discipline when he was about 3 1/2, but by a little after 4 years old his behavior improved tremendously. To this day, he understands that his actions will either earn him favorable or unfavorable consequences. And he even told me on occasion that he knows I love him because I discipline him now in order to prevent him from getting into a lot of trouble later in on in life.

We still have our moments, but they are no where near what they used to be when it comes to discipline. And now that he is older and can reason even better, the time outs and negative/positive incentives work like a charm!

With God's guidance and your cooperation with him, this phase too shall pass.

P.S. - He still has a strong will, but he tries more so now to use it to do what will work out to give him favorable consequences in the end.

 

[bliz]

Forgot to mention earlier...

You son needs some areas in his life where he can exercise his will and have things be done as he would like them to be done. He might like choosing a dinner menu, rearrranging his room, having a choice of which shirt he willl wear, choose the sequence of errends. If he is having to conform his will to yours about everythig alll day long, a lot of anger can build up.

 

[Robinsegg]

We actually give our kids *lots* of choices, where we can. It helps with the frustration level a lot.

For instance: When I fold laundry, I put their clothes into outfits before hanging them up or putting them in a drawer. Then, the child can choose anything in closet or drawer because it's already in an acceptable outfit.

R

 

[LovesToBless]

I've kindof flown through this thread, skimming the replies, and I'd like to give a big AMEN to the strong-willed thing being a personality type. All 3 of us in our family have the middle name of "stubborn".

I've been there with a strong-willed 5 year old son. I know what you mean. Maybe I missed this if you already mentioned it, but I would suggest making sure your son has LOTS of running off steam opportunities...such as playing in the yard or at the playground in an unstructured way. If it was a nice day when my son was young, I was taking him to the local playground as much as I could so he could run around with the other kids - playing tag and jumping and all that. Kids need to get that energy out of themselves, and they need to do it their own way in play.

I'd also like to share that - although he still can easily drive me crazy (and I drive him crazy too ) my son is now in college and using that energy in very productive ways. He still is very physically active, but he also uses it for helping other people. And...his stubborness shows itself in the positive when he sticks up for and stands by his moral standards.

Most importantly....at least at this point in his life, he is strong-willed solidly in his faith. He's far from perfect and I'm not trying to paint him that way at all. I just want to encourage you that it has it's positive side, as someone else posted...and God can use this personality trait in a powerful way.

 

[super mom]

reading alot of these has helped me alot and has saved me from starting the same type of thread!!!!!

 

[Stan53]

he got the max punishmet that I can mete outas follows:

Am I to understand that swatting and spanking are not permitted?
Then you will need to be as strong willed as he is. [I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me] You will get down on the floor at his level and in his face and inform him that his behaviour is not acceptable and that he will not come out of time out until he apologises for his rude behaviour. You will do this because you love him and God loves him and God is merciful to us. But God has standards and when we violate those standards there is a consequence.
You will not play his guilt game because he is the one offending, not you. He is the one who has hurt others not you.
And you will do this because God has commanded you to train up your son in the way he should go and when he is old he will not depart from it.