discipline...

[8462]

so I have a baby boy that will turn 1 this month. I have been trying to teach him the meaning of no. . . he started learning "no" at an early age. Recently I have begun popping his hand when he does something that I don't want him to do. He does not listen. I feel like I am beating my child to death. I have popped his hand, I have popped his diaper, it does not work. I have even picked him up and held him in my lap with his arms pinned to him. . . only for him to sqwirm and wrigle free. . . WHAT DO I DO???? HELP ME!!!!!!!!!!

 

[8462]

anyone know how to help this situation?

 

[b.hopeful]

well...I don't hit my children so any advice I have will not include that. Even if I did spank, I don't think it would work on a 1 yo. Pinning him will just frustrate him...at 1 he can't really grasp the concept that playing with something leads to being pinned up.

Just be consistent with telling him No and then redirecting so he learns that no means to stop. Also...offer an alternative. As well as keep him busy with constructive things so he's not apt to seek out the destructive. I wasn't much of a baby proofer...but to a certain extent I rearranged our living space so that the things that were most accessible were things that were appropriate.

I'm really trying to figure out how much trouble a one year old can get into. They are babies...they aren't exactly wondering off and sneaking stuff,lol.

 

[Robinsegg]

Babies can get into a lot of trouble, esp. when taken somewhere that's not "babyproofed". My baby just turned 1 (I also have 2 older kids). I tell her (and sign to her) "no" in a firm voice. I also use "don't touch" to good effect. If she doesn't stop, I pull her away or set her down away from it, and repeat the command. Sometimes, I lightly bat at her hands, to knock them away from the object, but never hard enough to hurt.
Physically removing your child after saying no may help him understand that he is to leave when told no. But it *is* a learning process and will probably take time and *will* take consistency.
Rachel

 

[CrystalBrooke]

Spanking obviously isn't working, so I would stop doing that. When he wiggles free, grab him up and sit him down again. I went through that with my daughter when she was that age. I also spanked her, but I don't feel as if everything warrents a spanking, so I'd make her sit for a few minutes. She would climb down off the couch and I would have to put her back up on it. We'd do it about 5 times before she would sit still. I'd let her up in about 5 minutes...to this day it's her least favorite punishment, but it works. Be consistent in whatever you do.

 

[8462]

well. I sign no to him and tell him no and he laughs at me. He will sign no back to me but he still laughs. I can't do anything that deters him from wanting to get these things... I move them but he is climbing and getting into all kinds of things... my biggest problem is plug outlets. He has figured out that he can unplug things... ugh it's a nightmare waiting to happen. No matter how many times i tell him no or move him away it never fails... he goes right back to it... do i need to start putting him in his play pen?

 

[CrystalBrooke]

That wouldn't be a bad idea. But if I were you, I'd remove him as many times as it took.

 

[b.hopeful]

If you absolutely can't watch, redirect and reinforce...and safety is a concern...then yes, playpen or child wearing...high chair next to you. Just know that at this age, confinement isn't going to be tolerated for long and really, it shouldn't be. They are developing so fast. Also...a bored child is a trouble seeker. Make sure that their surrounding is set up to encourage healthy exploration and challenging to boot. Make sure he's getting plenty of time outside of the house. They need to be stimulated.

Do you have Parents As Teachers in your area? You can call your school district and find out. I loved this program. They come to your home to talk about your child's developmental stage...how to interact with them and encourage learning...answer questions you may have and when the time comes...do developmental testing so you know if your child needs any services. It's premise is that you are your child's first and best teacher. So it's like "teacher" training for you. And it's free.

Also...seek out some playgroups. My playgroups were lifesavers. They always planned activities around town so the kids could entertain each other and the moms could chat. You can bounce ideas off of each other.

Good luck!

 

[PegasusOnFire]

just remember the rule of thumb when doing "time-outs" is 1 minute for every year of age. Your 1 year old will not remember what he is being punished for after 30-60 seconds, I know my 1 year old doesn't. For us redirection is key. "No" have no lasting value to her right now, but being taken away and given something else to occupy her does wonders.

I second b.hopeful on the Parents as Teachers program. It has been a lifesaver for me. My oldest has now "graduated" from the program as she is 5 years old, but it is still great for my 3 year old and 1 year old. Play groups are also great. If there isn't one near you make play dates with friends who have kids or people you go to church with.

 

[Stan53]

Umm, should have started training about 6 months ago. NOTE: Training, not discipline. That comes when your little man knows what no means. In fact your training should have started the day he was born. Hang on, it did. You taught him it is OK to touch and not obey. Oops, did I say that. Yep, sure did.
So, first of train him that No means No. And yes means yes. For example. Don't touch. You can either say "don't touch" or no. If you say no, what do you mean. Stop. What does this mean and what will it look like at his age.
Did I happen to mention training? Oh, well that's what it is all about. Training takes time. Lots and lots and lots and lots of it. Did I happen to mention training takes time? And consistency. He wont get it first time. He will need to be reminded. Lots. And getting frustrated is of no help. He is a boy. We boys take a while to catch on.
Set up a training session to teach him "don't touch". When he reaches out to touch a forbidden object say "don't touch" and move him away from the object. Repeat. many time. Lots of times. He will/may get cranky. Too bad. Up till now he has been in control. All of a sudden some one else is calling the shots. But keep at it. At my wife's first session with DD2 it took 1 solid hour of gentle persistent training until she got it. But it only took once. And she is now and obedient thoughtful little 3 year old. But it takes time. He must learn first what don't touch means. Then the objects he is not aloud to touch. Remember no spanking. Spanking shows frustration on your part and the child learns nothing.
By now you should be teaching him to come to you. Again it will take time. Call him to you. Get some help. You call him to you and have a helper bring him to you. Make a game of it. Keep at it. Again it will take time. lots of time. Remember no hitting smacking spanking at this time. You are training not disciplining.
You see before you can expect a child to know what to do, you have to teach him and assess if he knows what is required. And that takes time.
If you don't train, your child will get frustrated and will throw tantrums.
Hope this helps.
Oh, did I mention, training, and time. Lots of time.

 

[Prisca982]

My son is about to be 2, and there was a point when I felt the way you do - he KNEW what 'no' meant, but he'd still do it, and whatever I did made no difference. He'd laugh at me, even when I spanked him hard.
What I've learned is that training/discipline starts with the parent. You have to be disciplined yourself to discipline your child, especially when you are tired and they repeat the same bad behaviour again and again.
EVERY TIME your child touches those sockets, say no, flick his hand, and remove him. It may take several days if you have a very determined child, but keep at it and you WILL outlast him! Remember that you are disciplining him for his own good (teaching him to respect authority, and obedience), and keep a calm but firm tone of voice.
Also, pick one or two things to focus on at a time. A child who is constantly hearing 'no' will become negative. Pick safety issues first (for example, we dealt with touching the oven and the cat food first; current issues are deliberately tipping juice and not coming when called since ds has mastered a few other issues).

My son knew from about 11 months when he was disobeying me - he would look in my direction before doing something I had rebuked him for.

Blessings and sympathy!! xx

 

[Johnnz]

Some children are very determined. That can be a real strength later in life if it's not crushed during the early years. Often it's curiosity, attraction, boredom, wanting to imitate what mummy or day are doing without real understanding. Discovering life is not rebellion or naughtiness, just childhood zest for living and should be handled accordingly.

John
NZ

 

[PlanN2WalkONwata]

Umm, should have started training about 6 months ago. NOTE: Training, not discipline. That comes when your little man knows what no means. In fact your training should have started the day he was born. Hang on, it did. You taught him it is OK to touch and not obey. Oops, did I say that. Yep, sure did.

Umm, wow. I don't know if you meant it this way, but this sure seems sarcastic and like you're... well.. trying to call somebody out. She posted for help, not to be belittled. Sometimes we need to be told something we don't want to hear, but there are also respectful ways to go about that. The rest of your post seemed like you were genuinely trying to help, but the beginning felt like it was a little uncalled for. I'm sorry if I'm seeing something that's not there, but let's try to be a little more heartfelt (right word?) to others asking for help.

 

[clep]

I think what you are describing is a blessing. Really. It appears you have a strong willed child, and channeled the right way is a wonderful attribute.

My way is time consuming and not for everyone, but here it is.

Regarding safety issues, like plug ins I would remove that issue. I would put something that cannot be moved by the child in front of them.

A baby does not have the ability to exercise self control and will not have that capability for a couple of years. That is why telling your child "no" isn't working.
A baby's job is to learn and explore so hindering that process is confusing for the baby. A baby being popped on the hand is confusing for them as they have no concept of right and wrong or of consequence of punishment, so in my view that is completely ineffective and hard on the child.

I looked into the next couple of years as well as now in deciding what to do about this. At other people's houses I did not have the ability of moving their house around so I had to get around that.

I went with both of my children and showed them everything. I picked the item up, allowed them to explore it and then went on to the next item. I would say "uh oh" when they tried to explore on their own. I would go to them again and aid in the exploration.

When they weren't free exploring with me like this, I would busy them doing other things so they could only free explore with me. I would have them busy in their high chair, outside with me, in the bath, etc.

After a few months of that, they would let me know they wanted to see something, I would go with them and they never touched things they shouldn't be. At other people's houses they never broke a thing, came to me to see things and no one was ever worried about my children in their home.

As they grew older the parameters were extended according to developmental stage until they could touch anything in the home. My son at 7 still asks me when shopping what he can hold and what he can't. At he crystal shop, I still hold it and he checks it out.

For me this worked like a charm.

 

[clep]

Umm, should have started training about 6 months ago. NOTE: Training, not discipline. That comes when your little man knows what no means. In fact your training should have started the day he was born. Hang on, it did. You taught him it is OK to touch and not obey. Oops, did I say that. Yep, sure did.
.

Her little man may know what no means, but he does not have the emotional maturity to be able to exert self control at his age. Children run completely on emotion and do not grasp the ability to even learn self control until after two years of age.

She did not teach him it is OK to not obey and to touch things, Mother nature beat her to that.

Children are not trained, they are taught imo.

The ages and stages of child development play a vital role I believe in determing how to go about what, when and how to teach our children.

The line in bold was very rude and I personally found you belittling. Just my ideas.

 

[8462]

thanks all i really appreciate the help and the advice. My son is 15 months now and ugh thank the LORD he is finally starting to listen to me. Only problem we are having to put an end to right now is hitting when he gets mad.... We will keep working on it though. We will get through it... JUST PRAY FOR US!

 

[Jilly123]

Glad to hear things are getting better. I think what John said is very true - discovering life is not naughtiness, it is normal for his age. Although hitting is not ok, it is also normal 1 year old behaviour.

I found with my DD it was important to teach her that although it's ok to feel angry, it's not ok to hurt people. They need to learn appropriate ways to express negative emotions. It was hard work at that age but it has paid off...just the other day DD (now 4) was angry with me because I wouldn't let her have her way about something or other, so she came to me and said "Mommy, I'm feeling very cross. I need to draw an angry picture". I gave her crayons and paper, and ten minutes and one big scribble later she was all smiles again.

Do you enjoy reading? A book that totally changed the way I parent that I highly recommend is "Loving our kids on purpose" by Danny Silk. It teaches you how to build a heart to heart connection with your child, parenting without fear and intimidation. It has changed the whole atmosphere in our home.

Praying for you

 

[Everlasting33]

It sounds like you may be overusing the word, "no." Instead use, "off! hot! ouch!!" children tend to find the same word amusing and it loses its meaning over time. Words with an exclaimation point tend to be more effective.

 

[Prisca982]

I don't have all the answers by any means, but I just want to humbly correct a few false assumptions I come accross all the time in parents.

Psychological studies have demonstrated that children have a moral sense from the age of six months (these are secular, university studies, not Christian and therefore not biased).

Discipline has become a bad word in parenting. Reading the Bible shows us a Father who corrects and disciplines his children through pain and suffering. He has disciplined and corrected me by driving me through some very deep and hurtful waters at times, but always I have seen his loving hand behind these things. If love is your motive, and you are seeking the good of your child (i.e. their eternal salvation) then discipline is ALWAYS a good thing.

You cannot start too young. Pray for wisdom to tailor your expectations to your child's age, and for discernment - willful rebellion and hardness of heart should always be challenged and disciplined, even at a young age.

If you leave it later rather than earlier, your child will have some big adjustments to make when you suddenly start expecting certain behaviours and you may find it a bigger challenge to discipline them. My mother always said that a child's behaviour was pretty much fixed by the age of three - now that doesn't mean a child can't be corrected after that age, but it takes a lot more work!

Can I recommend the book 'Gospel Powered Parenting' by William Farley? It has transformed my parenting simply by reminding me that my goal is not to have perfectly obedient children, but to lead these precious souls entrusted to me to Christ.

 

[tansy]

HI, although my kids are all grown up now, I just thought I'dput in a word.
With anything that was dangerous I used to put it out of the way, put something IN the way, put child locks on low cupboards, and plastic safety plugs in low sockets. Not because I didn't want to teach my child not to touch these things, but for their own safety - as no matter what one does, little kids (not to mention older ones!) will still get into things. Especially when they're still too youing to understand WHY they shouldn't touch some things. And especially as some children are a lot more strong-willed and adventurous than others.
But from a young age..even befor I thought they could really understand, I would always explain WHY they shouldn't do something. Don't touch the oven..it's hot, you'll get burned, stay on the pavement, you''ll get squashed by a car etc etc. Sometimes I think I just bored them into not doing these things! LOL Not, of course, that they were all paragons of virtue or anything. Oh and when they were very small, I found that just a frown and shake of the head would stop them doing something. But really kids are so different, what works with one isn't necessarilly what's best for another.
Shame they don't come in identikit packages with exact instructions! But that'd be boring LOL