hisbloodformysins said:
Yesterday I put this into practice. When my hubby got onto my son, or if my son experianced the slightest discomfort, he'd run to me for comfort, holding out his arms and crying. I have never realized this before, but my coddling of him has conditioned him to depend on me to make all his hurts go away. So yesterday I refused to pick him up. I told him I loved him and patted his head and stroked his hair, but I refused to pick him up. And he cried so frantically and continually because of this. But although I love my son and do want to hold him, I don't want to do it when he's upset about something or when he's in trouble (unless of course he falls down and really hurts himself) because I don't want him to depend on me that way. After he calms and gets over it I'll hold him and love on him while we are playing some game or something..... but this might actually make it easier for me to go to work and teach him over time that it's not the end of the world when I leave...so I can leave in peace. My son needs to learn coping. My hubbies right, it will make him weaker- not the kind of weak that says "boy, stop crying, crying is for sissies" but he has to learn to cope with frustrations, and if I cushion it everytime he feels frustrated over the slightest thing than he will always make a bigger deal out of things than they are I suppose. So, it's been trying, because I just started this, it's new to him and he cried a lot yesterday, having tantrums over it. And I occassionally told him firmly "no, I'm not going to hold you".
That sounds like a very good start hisbloodformysins. Let me tell you, it will be quite hard at first. It may seem like all he does is cry. Please be patient and remember that your son has spent the last two years expecting a certain response from you and it will take some time for him to learn this new expectation.
WITH REGARD TO HIS RELATIONSHIP WITH YOU, understand that this is a transitional period for him and I encourage you to avoid spanking him
for being upset that you won't coddle him, unless he is clearly out of control, i.e., throwing a fit. Let me stress the fact that I am
ONLY talking about the way he is responding to the change in your relationship. You should continue to train him as you always have in other areas. Give him some time, this depends on how often he looks to you to coddle him when he gets in trouble, and when you believe he has grasped the concept that manipulating mom is not allowed, then it becomes willful disobedience, which means that you should spank him for it.
And I spanked him yesterday also for something and put him in time out because of the huge tantrum he was having over it.
See, now this is good parenting. Parenting often requires creative methods of punishment. You did perfect with this episode. The reason is say that is twofold. First, as I said before, you dealt with his willful disobedience, i.e., stopping him from breaking your rule of no tantrums, and punished his inappropriate behavior with quiet time. The reason that this is so good is because the punishment, quiet time/time out (this should be a period of seclusion), directly dealt with an outburst. So, in effect, he had to practice controlling himself because he didn't control himself. That's perfect. I don't know how long you leave your son in time out but a good measure is one minute
of controlling his emotions for every minute of their life.
Remember, the punishment should directly relate to the transgression. For instance, if your child keeps putting their hands on stuff that they are not supposed to touch, you take away some toys that they are allowed to touch for a period of time. When my son touches the T.V. I don't let him watch T.V. for an hour.
I do want my son to learn self control and appropriate behaviors. It made me feel stronger myself and not worry about him so much (which he feeds into) and with my support of my hubby, and us working together will provide a better evironment and boundaries for my son.
I agree completely. And, at the risk of sounding cliché, the journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. You've started so as long as you stick with it and are consistant it will come to pass a lot quicker than you think, especially since both you and your husband are responding in the same/similar manner to inappropriate behavior.
Thanks for your help (my hubby still thinks I don't spank him hard enough) but atleast I'm working on discipline.....
Here's the general rule, woman never spank hard enough and men spank too hard. Here's a good gauge, your child, especially at two, should
know they've been spanked. Yes, crying will normally accompany a spanking, so get ready. You should only spank about 3 or 4 times but it should be firm, moreso if your child wears a diaper. Allow the crying to go for a few minutes and then have them dry it up. Children often try to manipulate with tears, especially their moms.
Well, now we'll be undertaking breaking him from using his crib to using the toddler bed, because the crib is becoming unsafe for him. That'll be fun, any suggestions??
I take it your son's crib doesn't convert into a bed? If not, take your son with you to pick the "big boy" bed out. If he feels like he is part of the process of picking out the bed he is less likely to fight against it. Also, get a safety rail/guard that partially slides under the mattress. Toddlers have been enclosed on four sides while sleeping prior to getting in a regular bed. The safety rail will protect them and help them feel like the transition is not so abrupt. After a month or so, take the rail out and put cushions on the floor beside their bed. After another month, remove the cushions.
Gradual is the key.
Again, good job with your son.
God bless
