Discipline dilemma

[Stringaling]

I have a four year old daughter. Every morning my husband has to get up at 4AM to get ready for work. i get up and fix his unch, breakfast, or whatever to help get him on his way. I often go back to sleep after he leaves becuse , well, 4 AM is no fun! Well My daughter has the habit of getting up around 6:30 and leaving her room and going to her brother's room and playing while I am still asleep. The problem is that his room is next tomine and they get loud and wake me, sometimes by messing around and buming the wall. She has been directed a million and one times NOT to leave her room until I get out of bed, that way I can get some rest. A million and one times she has disobeyed and done it anyway, going to her brother's room and playing loudly , waking me up only 30 minutes after I went back to sleep. Two days ago she did it again and I spanked her for disobeying by doing this particular offense for the thousandth time. I emailed her father and he said to ground her to her room. He was very angry, because he has told her and I have told her not to do that, but she still does it anyway. So she was grounded to her room, she took her lunch in her room and could only play in her own room and not with her brother until her daddy came home. He went to talk to her and spanked her too, because of her direct disobedience and told her that if she does it again that she would be grounded to her room for three days. Well, this morning she woke up about the same time I was about to lay back down and go to sleep and I specifically told her not to go to her brother's room----She did it anyway, and they woke me up with their loud laying...I talked to her about it. Reminded her that she was spanked two times for it the other day, and that she had to spend the entire day in her room the other day, and that I had told her just an hour before not to go to her brother's room...So she is grounded to her room again, took her breakfast ther and cannot play with brother at all today.
What should we do to get the message acroos to her?? How do you make a child stop disobeying for the same offense over and over and over? Wht do you do when spankings and grounding to the room etc.. dont work?????

 

[Katydid]

Well, the problem is, is she is getting a reward as long as she is quiet. So she may be getting a spanking only, not until she has been playing for 30 minutes. See, so she is still benefitting. The only thing you can do is this....

1. Make sure she has something to do on her own for the hour or so in the morning that she is supposed to spend alone.

2. Try keeping her up later in the evening so that she sleeps later in the morning.

3. Give up your extra sleep for 2 or 3 days while sitting outside her door ready to discipline AS SOON AS SHE opens the door.


After a few days of her getting punished EVERY time she opens the door to go to his room, she will see that there is NO benefit. Now, this will only work if you are only sleeping until around 8 or so. IF you are sleeping until 10, then you need to adjust the kid's schedule so that they are more likely to sleep later. Perhaps get them up at 4 and all of you see daddy off, then put naptime at around 8 or something interesting like that.

 

[Stringaling]

I think I'll try the haning out outside her door thing. No, ther is no way I could sleep till 10 with three kids in the house--Ahhh I miss those days when i could.....

 

[Entertaining_Angels]

How dark is her room? My daughter was getting up with the birds every morning but when we moved her to her room with thick curtains blocking out all the light, she started sleeping later and later. She now sleeps until about 7:30am and some mornings, even later.

I know I value my sleep as well. Hope you get this resolved soon.

 

[dews]

My suggestion is to prepare lunch the night before and he can give you a kiss goodbye while you are still in your bed. I'm sure he can fix his breakfast himself too. Mine does. Maybe have her come see you in the morning when she gets up and you can be together. My girls come and see me in the morning and I turn the tv on for them and I can sleep for another half hour or so. Obviously the spanking isn't working and I think she is too young to be grounded. Sleeping in is over. Does she wake her brother up? My daughter used to go see her sister too when she was younger. She wouldn't wake her up, she would just go in there and hold her hand while she slept.

 

[Stringaling]

Yes, she sometimes wakes him up. He is a sleeper. If completely left alone he culd sometimes sleep till 8:30.............

 

[Stringaling]

I would love for him to let me sleep, but it will not happen. He gets up and turns on the telivision and both lamps in the room and watches the news for a while(we gave up our living room to use it as a bedroom when our third child was born so there is no living room for the TV to go in--small house) He thinks he is incapable if doing things for himself....

 

[Entertaining_Angels]

Could you talk to your husband? I'll be honest, that seems a little inconsiderate. My hubby often gets up at 4am and, true, he does make some noise but he puts all his clothes in the bathroom the night before and doesn't turn on the lights in the room at all. I think it is great that you get up with him but he ought to realize, with three children to care for, you have a job of your own and need your sleep. Your husband can learn how to pour himself a bowl of cereal and if necessary, you can set the coffeemaker the night before and fix his lunch for him. I am guessing he knows how to pour a cup of coffee and open the refrigerator? He can also catch the news on the car radio.

I think you and hubby ought to have a talk about your job.

 

[Stringaling]

I do think the whole grounded to theroom for three days is excesive, and i don't think it will last that long...wht do you do when your child consistantly disobeys one specific rule over and over agian???we are at a loss....We have talked about it through email adn will discuss it more tonight.

 

[Stringaling]

Could you talk to your husband? I'll be honest, that seems a little inconsiderate. My hubby often gets up at 4am and, true, he does make some noise but he puts all his clothes in the bathroom the night before and doesn't turn on the lights in the room at all. I think it is great that you get up with him but he ought to realize, with three children to care for, you have a job of your own and need your sleep. Your husband can learn how to pour himself a bowl of cereal and if necessary, you can set the coffeemaker the night before and fix his lunch for him. I am guessing he knows how to pour a cup of coffee and open the refrigerator? He can also catch the news on the car radio.

I think you and hubby ought to have a talk about your job.

I've tried but to no avail...It only turns to fighting which just makes things worse between us....He would like me and the rest of the family to keep the same schedule as he has--everyone getting up at 4 and the kids giong to bed at like 6.. that is his solution...

 

[Entertaining_Angels]

I am so sorry. You might want to consider counselling. If your husband is unwilling to take into account your own job, sounds like there are some problems. Honestly, I am far more concerned by your hubby than I am your daughter.

 

[dews]

Well no wonder your daughter wakes up. Your husband is being very insensitive to everybody in the house. My husband gets up pretty early somedays. He turns on the light in the hall to find his clothes. He makes his own breakfast and if my daughter gets up, he will make her breakfast as well. How much would your husband like to spend 3 days in his room? My niece was treated like that when she was a child and still remembers it today. Ease up. It is difficult but they remember things like this when they get older. You may just have to get up earlier. I know... I hate getting up early too. She is too young to understand why she is being punished for 3 days for one disobedient act. Maybe her sitting in one spot for 3 minutes will work better (one year per age). It works well in our house.

 

[Athene]

I'm with OreGal on this, you need to deal with your husband, it's not fair to expect you to get up that early especially with 3 small children. You need all the sleep you can get.

Just an observation but you don't seem like a happy bunny.

 

[snarfywarning]

I think that is out of control.

So your husband wakes up, is noisy,and you wake up to help him fix breakfast, your daughter probably hears the noise, it wakes her up, and when she can't go back to bed, SHE is punished? I think you are expecting a little bit to much out of your PRE SCHOOL AGED daughter. She isn't 7 or 8, she is 4.

I say ground your husband for 3 days, or tell him to not make so much noise when he wakes up. He doesn't need to turn on the TV or anythig else other then put on clothes and pour a bowl of cereal.

A spanking is okay for a 4 year old, but grounding shouldn't be used. She is a 4 year old wanting companionship and to play, because to her, everyone else already woke up, she isn't sticking her fingers into electrical sockets or breaking all the eggs in the fridge, she is just playing with her brother. Maybe you just need to give up sleeping in early until she can get herself back to sleep. I know that from the age of 4 or 5 until probably..18, I could NOT fall back asleep once I was woken up.

 

[ShannonMcCatholic]

I had a friend who sawed her daughter's door in half--the bottom could be locked, and the top could be left open so she could call for her mom in an emergency. That solved the problem for them!

 

[Leanna]

LOL Shannon.... saw the door.... Somehow that is funny to me.

I think that it is rude of your husband to act that way. Grrrr.

Does your 4 year old know how to read a clock? Maybe if she knew exactly until what time she must stay in her room, given an exact time, that would help. When it is 8:00, she can go wake her brother. Also, give her something to do in the early morning time. Such as, you can read these books in the morning while you wait, or you can color with these crayons while you wait, etc. I feel it is too general to just ask a 4 year old to stay in her room until "later"..... a more specific goal would be helpful.

Maybe you already do this, but what about a mandatory afternoon nap? Then you could catch your sleep up during that. Of course I don't know how old the 3rd child is.

 

[Ms.Garnet]

First of all - the punishment the poor little thing was given does not fit the crime she committed. For waking you & your son up - you spanked her, told daddy, he grounded her, and lectured her & spanked her again. That's a lot for one offense. I know you are trying to make an impression on her - but I think the biggest impression she has had is the total disrespect & disregard your husband has for the rest of the family. By what you have said, HE has clearly taught her that He is #1 and that others who wish to sleep can just tough it because if he has to get up early - so can everyone else! That is just my personal opinion based on the posts I have read. It really sounds like to me that your husband hates having to get up early & (whether he realizes it or not) he is punishing you by insisting that you get up and cater to him. Or is it that he loves to get up early and resents the fact that you don't? Either way, he sounds self-centered and is punishing his dear little daughter for being just like he is! And why does he have to sit around watching TV? Again, that makes me wonder if he loves getting up early and resents that you don't. See, if he is an early riser by nature - your daughter may be that way also - she may just be confused about her dad's total disregard for everyone's need for rest. Whatever the reason your daughter can't or will not obey - I feel it is the husband who has taught her by example that when you wake up - you're up & you do as you please , regardless of who else is trying to sleep. Also, when she wakes up does she need to eat immediately or is she ok waiting awhile - what about using the bathroom? I think the suggestion to try rewards if she can stay in her room quietly until you are up is a good idea and the dark curtains are a good suggestion also. But, be sure she can go potty & if she needs to eat make sure she can quietly get something to eat. You have my sympathy. I know you need rest and I know you need to appease your husband. He needs to be more thoughtful of everyone & what he is teaching his children by his own example.

 

[Leanna]

She does have a point there with the thought that daddy gets up early, and so then does daughter..... daddy does not get in trouble, but daughter does.

 

[MrsSeptemberPenguin]

Just be carefull everyone, getting a little off topic here...

 

[HeatherJay]

First of all - the punishment the poor little thing was given does not fit the crime she committed. For waking you & your son up - you spanked her, told daddy, he grounded her, and lectured her & spanked her again. That's a lot for one offense. I know you are trying to make an impression on her - but I think the biggest impression she has had is the total disrespect & disregard your husband has for the rest of the family. By what you have said, HE has clearly taught her that He is #1 and that others who wish to sleep can just tough it because if he has to get up early - so can everyone else! That is just my personal opinion based on the posts I have read. It really sounds like to me that your husband hates having to get up early & (whether he realizes it or not) he is punishing you by insisting that you get up and cater to him. Or is it that he loves to get up early and resents the fact that you don't? Either way, he sounds self-centered and is punishing his dear little daughter for being just like he is! And why does he have to sit around watching TV? Again, that makes me wonder if he loves getting up early and resents that you don't. See, if he is an early riser by nature - your daughter may be that way also - she may just be confused about her dad's total disregard for everyone's need for rest. Whatever the reason your daughter can't or will not obey - I feel it is the husband who has taught her by example that when you wake up - you're up & you do as you please , regardless of who else is trying to sleep. Also, when she wakes up does she need to eat immediately or is she ok waiting awhile - what about using the bathroom? I think the suggestion to try rewards if she can stay in her room quietly until you are up is a good idea and the dark curtains are a good suggestion also. But, be sure she can go potty & if she needs to eat make sure she can quietly get something to eat. You have my sympathy. I know you need rest and I know you need to appease your husband. He needs to be more thoughtful of everyone & what he is teaching his children by his own example.

I absolutely agree. I have a 4 year old and I really feel for your daughter. Why not invite her to lay down and rest with you? Or lay down on the sofa to nap while she plays with her toys on the floor. I don't know, but to me it just seems like a disrespectful situation all around. I think your husband's inconsiderate behavior is the root cause of your daughter's disobedience. I think he's the one whose behavior needs to be addressed. Sorry, but that's my take. I hope you guys are able to come to a compromise in this situation...I know you just want some sleep, but it sounds like your husband who's hindering that and not so much your poor daughter.