disapppointment/resentment towards spouse

[Vicissa]

I posted this in WD as well, but I wanted to get a fair amount of feedback from the guy side as well. I am really interested in your responses, just ask that you please be as kind as possible. I'm having a hard time right now.

I struggle with this very thing. I resent that my husband isn't the father or even the person I believe he should be. I resent the fact that while he loves his kids, and sees them everyday, and every night he still isn't as "involved" with them as I hope he would be. You know, like playing games with them. He counts watching TV at the same time or playing video games with the kids watching as time, but I don't. It doesn't take much work or communication. I resent the fact that I feel like sometimes if I want things done in regards to our son, that I have to either pressure him or do it myself. And I resent that, because I cannot be his father.

I'm disappointed that he doesn't see the importance of how his own actions and words bear upon how our children will turn out. I'm disappointed that I have so many problems with my marriage, while he seems to be more accepting of it.

Anyone else have these experiences??? How do you work through them within yourself and not get to a point where you are just carrying around as much resentment as I am?
I love my husband, and of course I want to stay married. I know he loves me as much as he can himself, but I feel like we are on two different pages.

 

[BigNorsk]

One of the hardest things to do is to let others be themselves and accept it. So what we do is we become the law. We tell the person that they fall short, we condemn them for falling short, and we tell them what to do.

Often this results in short term gains. The person jumps up and does it. And so we are encouraged to do it all the more. Somehow it seems that we believe if he or she simply understood, they would then comply.

Problem is, law doesn't strengthen us, it doesn't make it possible for us to do what we want to do.

No it is grace, love, the gospel, that's what strengthens us.

It's one thing to hear how you are falling short and you better shape up. It's quite another to hear you are falling short, and you are loved even so, and the love really needs to dominate.

We really don't like the law. It makes us very uncomfortable. If the law dominates one of several things almost always happens.

1. The person flees. He out with his buddies, or lost in the shop, or buried in something else. He's just basically absent. Not being there either physically or mentally, means he doesn't hear how worthless he is. He just drops out, often with the excuse that there is no pleasing his mate.

2. The person tries to get the law to flee. This is where people lash back at the law bringer. They basically do a right back at you, where they too pile on law and condemnation trying to get you to flee. When people just explode for little or no reason at each other it's a real warning sign that they are walking on eggshells expecting to get hit with condemnation any moment.

3. They harden themselves. Requests become like water on the back of a duck, they just slide right off. The person becomes non responsive. They harden themselves to not face the condemnation.

You probably have some areas yourself where that sort of thing has happened. Maybe your husband or your father asked you to help with something or to do something. And yet when you tried to do it, he stood and all you heard was that you were doing it wrong and so now you don't help him with that anymore or you fear the next time he asks or something but in any case a barrage of being told you weren't very good at it sure didn't make you good at it, you just want nothing to do with it.

Take the children. He probably didn't have a lot of experience with children. Probably honestly wasn't too good at a lot of things. Yet if you actually want him to get good, he needs to practice. If he tries to dress a child, and instead of praising him, you tell him the outfit is wrong or put on wrong or some such thing isn't right, he will tend to say, you do it, and he will never get good at it. Then you will get resentful because why should you do it all the time?

Take it down to the level of your children, and we are all really children, especially with those whom we most desire approval. Let's say they are starting to walk. Do you holler at them, and tell them they are doing it wrong when they stagger and fall? If you did, you would be a really unusual mother. You smile, you encourage them, you praise them. If you hammered them with they aren't doing it right, then you'd probably have children that never stopped crawling. They would be afraid to walk, after all what they hear is they aren't good at it and aren't doing it right and so they don't please you by walking.

Your husband, nor you for that matter, really aren't that different than that toddler starting to walk. You want love, encouragement, smiles and hugs, and when you receive it you work at getting better and you develop. Scowls and condemnation and such tends mostly to result in crying, and avoidance, even lashing out in anger.

For your husband with the children. Instead of giving him the children, you as the more experienced should involve both the children and him. Maybe come up with some game to play outside where the tv doesn't distract. Though it could be inside as well. As you set things up and your husband is involved in activities with the children, he will get better at them.

On top of that realize that a father is not just another mother. He will indeed do things differently than you. That difference will actually be a good thing for your children. You might even find there is a stage of your children's development where he is better at it than you.

Marv

 

[Vicissa]

One of the hardest things to do is to let others be themselves and accept it. So what we do is we become the law. We tell the person that they fall short, we condemn them for falling short, and we tell them what to do.

Often this results in short term gains. The person jumps up and does it. And so we are encouraged to do it all the more. Somehow it seems that we believe if he or she simply understood, they would then comply.

Problem is, law doesn't strengthen us, it doesn't make it possible for us to do what we want to do.

No it is grace, love, the gospel, that's what strengthens us.

It's one thing to hear how you are falling short and you better shape up. It's quite another to hear you are falling short, and you are loved even so, and the love really needs to dominate.

We really don't like the law. It makes us very uncomfortable. If the law dominates one of several things almost always happens.

1. The person flees. He out with his buddies, or lost in the shop, or buried in something else. He's just basically absent. Not being there either physically or mentally, means he doesn't hear how worthless he is. He just drops out, often with the excuse that there is no pleasing his mate.

2. The person tries to get the law to flee. This is where people lash back at the law bringer. They basically do a right back at you, where they too pile on law and condemnation trying to get you to flee. When people just explode for little or no reason at each other it's a real warning sign that they are walking on eggshells expecting to get hit with condemnation any moment.

3. They harden themselves. Requests become like water on the back of a duck, they just slide right off. The person becomes non responsive. They harden themselves to not face the condemnation.

You probably have some areas yourself where that sort of thing has happened. Maybe your husband or your father asked you to help with something or to do something. And yet when you tried to do it, he stood and all you heard was that you were doing it wrong and so now you don't help him with that anymore or you fear the next time he asks or something but in any case a barrage of being told you weren't very good at it sure didn't make you good at it, you just want nothing to do with it.

Take the children. He probably didn't have a lot of experience with children. Probably honestly wasn't too good at a lot of things. Yet if you actually want him to get good, he needs to practice. If he tries to dress a child, and instead of praising him, you tell him the outfit is wrong or put on wrong or some such thing isn't right, he will tend to say, you do it, and he will never get good at it. Then you will get resentful because why should you do it all the time?

Take it down to the level of your children, and we are all really children, especially with those whom we most desire approval. Let's say they are starting to walk. Do you holler at them, and tell them they are doing it wrong when they stagger and fall? If you did, you would be a really unusual mother. You smile, you encourage them, you praise them. If you hammered them with they aren't doing it right, then you'd probably have children that never stopped crawling. They would be afraid to walk, after all what they hear is they aren't good at it and aren't doing it right and so they don't please you by walking.

Your husband, nor you for that matter, really aren't that different than that toddler starting to walk. You want love, encouragement, smiles and hugs, and when you receive it you work at getting better and you develop. Scowls and condemnation and such tends mostly to result in crying, and avoidance, even lashing out in anger.

For your husband with the children. Instead of giving him the children, you as the more experienced should involve both the children and him. Maybe come up with some game to play outside where the tv doesn't distract. Though it could be inside as well. As you set things up and your husband is involved in activities with the children, he will get better at them.

On top of that realize that a father is not just another mother. He will indeed do things differently than you. That difference will actually be a good thing for your children. You might even find there is a stage of your children's development where he is better at it than you.

Marv

Thank you for your response. I appreciate the advice you give, and it makes a lot of sense. What do I do if he doesn't WANT to get involved? I don't know how many times I've asked him to play a board game with us, or go to the park with us, and he rarely wants to do anything.

 

[sageoffools]

First, realize that you are definitely not alone. We guys are just plain dumb sometimes.
I know this may seem obvious, but have you ever sat down and talked this out with him? I don't mean that I would recommend telling him that you resent and are disappointed with him, but just tell him that it bothers you that he does not spend time with you or the kids.
Secondly, realize that nagging him or yelling at him is definitely not going to change him. I don't know, but I imagine this is true for your hubbie, we hate to be nagged and we hate to be told what to do.
Try to come to a compromise with him. Try to designate one or two nights a week to keep the TV off and spend time with the kids. Or perhaps talk about setting a "no tv till the kids go to bed" rule. That way he still gets to watch TV, but he is also helping and interacting with the kids.
If, no matter what you do, you cannot seem to communicate with him, I would recommend talking with your pastor and getting some counseling. That is why your pastor is there, let him help.
Finally, realize that it is God that changes people. It is your job to be the best and most loving wife that you can be. Do everything that you can to help and be understanding, and let God work on him. Trying to change him yourself will just get in God's way and make both of you miserable.

 

[MandM]

Here is something you may find helpful:

http://www.fourspirituallaws.org/laws/english/flash/

 

[vic74]

One of the hardest things to do is to let others be themselves and accept it. So what we do is we become the law. We tell the person that they fall short, we condemn them for falling short, and we tell them what to do.

Often this results in short term gains. The person jumps up and does it. And so we are encouraged to do it all the more. Somehow it seems that we believe if he or she simply understood, they would then comply.

Problem is, law doesn't strengthen us, it doesn't make it possible for us to do what we want to do.

No it is grace, love, the gospel, that's what strengthens us.

It's one thing to hear how you are falling short and you better shape up. It's quite another to hear you are falling short, and you are loved even so, and the love really needs to dominate.

We really don't like the law. It makes us very uncomfortable. If the law dominates one of several things almost always happens.

1. The person flees. He out with his buddies, or lost in the shop, or buried in something else. He's just basically absent. Not being there either physically or mentally, means he doesn't hear how worthless he is. He just drops out, often with the excuse that there is no pleasing his mate.

2. The person tries to get the law to flee. This is where people lash back at the law bringer. They basically do a right back at you, where they too pile on law and condemnation trying to get you to flee. When people just explode for little or no reason at each other it's a real warning sign that they are walking on eggshells expecting to get hit with condemnation any moment.

3. They harden themselves. Requests become like water on the back of a duck, they just slide right off. The person becomes non responsive. They harden themselves to not face the condemnation.

You probably have some areas yourself where that sort of thing has happened. Maybe your husband or your father asked you to help with something or to do something. And yet when you tried to do it, he stood and all you heard was that you were doing it wrong and so now you don't help him with that anymore or you fear the next time he asks or something but in any case a barrage of being told you weren't very good at it sure didn't make you good at it, you just want nothing to do with it.

Take the children. He probably didn't have a lot of experience with children. Probably honestly wasn't too good at a lot of things. Yet if you actually want him to get good, he needs to practice. If he tries to dress a child, and instead of praising him, you tell him the outfit is wrong or put on wrong or some such thing isn't right, he will tend to say, you do it, and he will never get good at it. Then you will get resentful because why should you do it all the time?

Take it down to the level of your children, and we are all really children, especially with those whom we most desire approval. Let's say they are starting to walk. Do you holler at them, and tell them they are doing it wrong when they stagger and fall? If you did, you would be a really unusual mother. You smile, you encourage them, you praise them. If you hammered them with they aren't doing it right, then you'd probably have children that never stopped crawling. They would be afraid to walk, after all what they hear is they aren't good at it and aren't doing it right and so they don't please you by walking.

Your husband, nor you for that matter, really aren't that different than that toddler starting to walk. You want love, encouragement, smiles and hugs, and when you receive it you work at getting better and you develop. Scowls and condemnation and such tends mostly to result in crying, and avoidance, even lashing out in anger.

For your husband with the children. Instead of giving him the children, you as the more experienced should involve both the children and him. Maybe come up with some game to play outside where the tv doesn't distract. Though it could be inside as well. As you set things up and your husband is involved in activities with the children, he will get better at them.

On top of that realize that a father is not just another mother. He will indeed do things differently than you. That difference will actually be a good thing for your children. You might even find there is a stage of your children's development where he is better at it than you.

Marv

BigNorsk speaks the truth. But out of experience, this is sometimes a hard pill to swallow. I feel your pain Vic. The only thing I can tell you is stand strong in the Lord and stay as loving as you can. Although it is much easier said than done. Be blessed.