Disagreement with MIL

[christiekkc]

Darlin', I don't bother to correct my mother at all anymore. I used to, and she would only get offended and then sulk and stop speaking to me. She doesn't need to see or admit the offense in order for YOU to get past it and move on with YOUR life. Don't give her that power. At the same time, don't write her off just yet. She's only been your MIL for a year. You can't know what kind of relationship you'll have in five or ten or twenty years. Set boundaries, by all means, but don't give up hope that it can get better!

Yes. I'm not giving up hope. But we'll definitely set boundaries.

Thanks!

 

[mkgal1]

Setting boundaries sounds right. DH has been very good at defending me each time she brings up things that question me and my character. And *sometimes* he tells her "We've researched and prayed over this, we have a plan." and leaves things at that.

One reason why I don't want to let things be as they are is that I don't want her to begrudge me or according to her "walk on eggshells" around me. This is my please personality showing through, but I don't want there to be tension between us and have DH caught in the middle.

I think just not mentioning anything further will leave the divide on her side, and on my side I'll be left thinking "how do I behave if she thinks I hate her?" And "She thinks I invented a probation period. She thinks it's MY baggage!" (And she did say that I may have foreign baggage that makes me think my in-laws are in to mess up my marriage; which is ridiculous! If anything my baggage is "you must keep the peace with the MIL at all cost")

And I do understand her concerns over her son. He went through a horrific experience. And I can see how the lack of boundaries bled into our marriage. Unfortunately, my wanting to please the MIL at all cost made me take the initial interaction in that living room. I think the pattern was set there. DH and I need to think about setting boundaries for the future. It will be tricky. Because the situation will now look like "The DIL is ruling things and causing "distance" between me and my son" .

I can really relate to this whole situation (including the people-pleasing characteristic). The thing is.......it's so liberating to find a proper balance with that. There may not be *anything* you can do in order to rid this relationship between your MIL and yourself of any tension---it may always be there.

Instead of trying to make it all right with her (which may end up making things worse).....I wonder if it would be more profitable to try to change your way of looking at things? Some people are *never* pleased....and all you can do is to do your best to not exacerbate that.

To be honest......I think your husband could probably improve on how he speaks to his mother on your behalf. When you wrote this:

I spoke with DH, and he called to speak with her. The phone conversation didn't go well. She said she thought we were friends, and didn't imagine I had negative feelings about her. He later asked his dad to talk to her, but the dad sent back an email that pretty much said "You should have dealt with that on your end and let your wife know that we love her as a daughter. Now you have two women mad at you. She isn't on probation, and there is no expectation from is for you to have kids within a certain timeline."

it gives me the impression that your husband presented things as YOU being upset (and later....upset at your husband). That's not a "united front. Anytime he confronts things with his parents......it really needs to be "one voice" (or....even better at this time......HIS voice).....something like, "It really upsets ME how you're treating my wife as if she's having to prove herself due to someone else's behavior. I really wish you'd trust ME. I'm a grown man that's mature and can make my own choices. I know you love me, but treating me as if I'm a minor is really demeaning." Something like that. The focus shouldn't be on you. Like you mentioned......you don't want it to appear that you're getting in between son and mother---instead, that the boundaries are being set by your husband of his own volition.

 

[christiekkc]

MkGal, I really hadn't thought about the possibility of having a balance rather than the ideal "perfect" relationship. You make such a good point. Some personalities can't "click" to the point of being buddy-buddies. My DH and my mom just click. And I don't think I could ever click that way with my MIL.

Yes, DH could have presented the situation in a more tactful way. But to be fair to him, I was mad at him by the time I told him he had to talk to his mom. The previous day, I had told him "I feel like I'm on probation with your mom, and she does not trust me." He chuckled, and proceeded to say that I was just imagining things. The conversation ended with "You can't see some things because you were raised in a certain way. She is your mother, so a blind spot isn't impossible". And that was going to be it. I was going to just shut up.

But the next day, I told him I had disliked his chuckling and quick dismissal. I told him that he had to figure out a way to tell his mom that the over involvement and questioning were too much for me. He acknowledged that he had had several conversations with her, months after our marriage, reassuring her that the ex and I were polar opposites, explaining why I was trustworthy, and that he knew what he was doing as we planned out our life. He wasn't being trapped into a life and going along with a wife's selfish plans out of sense of duty (what he had done before). So yes, I was upset at him for not enforcing those boundaries.

We talked again today, and he said we had to visit them while in town next month, to address the issue lest it grows bigger. He said he'd mediate and tell his mom beforehand that the questioning/meddling is too much for me, and that because if my introverted personality, I may not always speak up when I disagree with her, like her kids do.

I think he is pretty good at standing up for me, but I think it's always after I say "Hey, this isn't right or normal!" I guess he has some tolerance to his mother and only says "enough" when she goes really really far. And the mileage of how far differs from mine because I wasn't raised in the same way and had parents that fully trusted my judgement from my late teenage years. Having this MIL is truly making me having to stretch myself mentally/emotionally, especially with an "authority" figure/elder. I was raised to respect elders, so balancing the boundaries/respect line is tricky.

 

[christiekkc]

DH just called her, and she did admit this time that 1) she had worried he'd end up in a bad marriage and because of the baggage, had kept badgering him about whether the ex situation was repeating itself long after our marriage and 2) had kept second-guessing every plan we'd made. She acknowledged that she had done so well into our marriage, but after seeing us happy and balanced in our approach to life, she had begun to understand that we were truly committed to each other.

He told her to me mindful of a few things:

- The ex repeating itself
- Baby pressure
- Second-guessing life choices
- Introversion & feeling like "have to play nice"
- Keeping it superficial and not personal on Facebook (other people reading)

She said she would do so in the future, but was still angry that her questioning stressed me out. She said it was in her nature to plan out people's lives as much as it's in mine to be introverted. She said she'd try to tone it down, but that some might still get out, and I should feel free to not play nice.


At the end she said, "ok, but can we please just never talk about this again?" To which he said, "Well, unless I see you doing it again and it's bothering my beloved wife."

I think it's resolved. I feel the weight lifted up now. And I'll be graceful in the future and accommodate her nature within reason/boundaries. And I'm happy to never have to talk about this again.

 

[mkgal1]

We talked again today, and he said we had to visit them while in town next month, to address the issue lest it grows bigger. He said he'd mediate and tell his mom beforehand that the questioning/meddling is too much for me, and that because if my introverted personality, I may not always speak up when I disagree with her, like her kids do.

This is what I'm meaning when I said he shouldn't make the discussion about you (or else it is going to be the perception of "that wife getting in between us"). He needs to make it about HIM (what hurts you ought to hurt him in the same way----as you *should* be one).

This article may be of some help: http://www.covenantkeepers.org/online-articles/47-general-marital-issues/345-dealing-with-in-laws

 

[christiekkc]

Oh wow! That article hits the nail on the head. You are right that making it "my" issue vs. our issue has a way of pitting the spouse against the in-law parent.

I'll share this article with my DH. Hopefully we'll have a more cohesive approach if she starts acting up again.

Thanks for the link.

 

[mkgal1]

Oh wow! That article hits the nail on the head. You are right that making it "my" issue vs. our issue has a way of pitting the spouse against the in-law parent.

I'll share this article with my DH. Hopefully we'll have a more cohesive approach if she starts acting up again.

Thanks for the link.

That's it exactly (how it being "your" issue pits you against your MIL)!

I'm glad it seems to be settled for now (and it's an area of continued growth, I'm sure). Having a cohesive approach planned out sounds perfect. For instance.....just one little tweak in what he said to his mom would be:

When she said, "ok, but can we please just never talk about this again?" and he responded....I think all he needed to say was, "Well, unless I see you doing it again." The rest about you didn't need to be included (to me......that's him distancing himself a bit from your feelings).

 

[christiekkc]

That's it exactly (how it being "your" issue pits you against your MIL)! I'm glad it seems to be settled for now (and it's an area of continued growth, I'm sure). Having a cohesive approach planned out sounds perfect. For instance.....just one little tweak in what he said to his mom would be: When she said, "ok, but can we please just never talk about this again?" and he responded....I think all he needed to say was, "Well, unless I see you doing it again." The rest about you didn't need to be included (to me......that's him distancing himself a bit from your feelings).

Got you. Thanks for explaining.

 

[christiekkc]

just one small suggestion that may help the healing along- send MIL a card or a note soon- tell her that you are more peaceful about the situation now and thank her for raising the man you love to be the man he is. A

Great suggestion. I'll do that. Thanks!

 

[bluegreysky]

Well I am just a newlywed with no plans for babies or big moves, but I can already relate.

My husband has a younger brother and a younger sister.
Nearly 4 years ago, when his brother was 19, his sister was 16 and at a high school party,
She introduced him to this girl whom she said she only meant for him to dance with that night. Well, he liked her and they started going out. Right away, my hubby’s family disapproved. She was a dropout, atheist, liked occult stuff and was a smoker and drinker. She also had a potty mouth and no morals. And his family was Christian.
Instead of honoring their wishes and breaking up with her, he ran away to go live with her. 2 years later, he got her pregnant.

They never liked her, but suddenly when there was going to be “the first grandchild!” it was like they forgot all of that and their home and hearts were open for the couple and the new baby to come live there! Rent free! So last summer, they moved in. At that time, my now husband was living there too to save up money and pay off debt. So I would go see him there a lot. I’d cook meals and hang out with him there. Of course, the girl as a person had not changed. She was rude, obnoxious, disrespectful and messy. She’d leave dishes everywhere, sticky messes, diapers, and she smoked so cigarette butts… EVERYWHERE. UGH!!!! She mouthed off to her man, his family and was just overall not a nice person.

Where we felt burnt was that we were trying to follow God and the bible, be strong Christians, and at Christmas we set a date and started planning to get married. We were also clean, respectful and I did my part to help out even though I didn’t live there.
The brother never married his girlfriend, never planned to, and they were living in sin with a out-of-wedlock child and there was the added bonus she was not a nice person.

But of course! If she did something wrong and we tried to correct her we got yelled at! We weren’t allowed to speak up! She was allowed to rule the house! Everything revolved around her! Because my MIL felt sorry for her!

After awhile, my hubby had enough and he moved out. And we went forward planning our wedding and doing what we know is right. But I felt hurt sometimes because in the past, they’d doubted me and if I was good for my now-hubby so I was doing a lot of updating on facebook to show them how happy we were and the Christian community surrounding us but it always seemed like my MIL gushed about the baby and the baby momma more than she appreciated us. I know I shouldn’t have worried about it, but I did.

How did this story end? Divine intervention.
3 weeks before our wedding, my FIL had a heart attack. He needed triple bypass, and he lived. But he couldn’t go to the wedding. He has been out of work for over a month now, and just now got home. Prayer worked a miracle because he almost died. But this situation showed our true colors- mine. And hers.
Baby momma was only in it for a free roof, free food and free baby sitting.
When that dried up, she was like “I’m out!” and she moved back west this week, with the baby. Which is sad, but she was always threatening to do that when she didn’t get her way. And we were all tired of it.
On the other hand, because I knew it was right, I went wayyyy outside my comfort zones and spent time with my FIL in the hospital (I haven’t had experience with sick family), sent well wishes and gifts and followed facebook updates. We made a tribute to him at our wedding. And now we are going to make dinner for the family now that he’s home.
I did that to be nice, not to show her up.
There was nothing to “show up”. She didn’t give a durn from day 1. she mentioned him on facebook exactly one time and then went back to being selfish.

Now my MIL has had the sobering revelation who is “for” this family and who isn’t.

 

[seeingeyes]

She said she'd try to tone it down, but that some might still get out, and I should feel free to not play nice.

I think you should take her up on this. I'm an extroverted woman myself and this is flat-out an invitation to friendship.

Your husband has done very well in handling this, but he cannot build a relationship with her for you.

 

[akmom]

The interrogation in the living room was rude, and I can understand why you'd be in defensive mode afterward. The "warning" and reference to your husband's previous marriage was not exactly out-of-line, but it's a sensitive subject and probably should have stayed between him and his mother (although some believe that nothing should be private between spouses); I can understand how you would feel judged and compared, but she wasn't necessarily out-of-line to communicate that to her son. The last thing - the Facebook picture request - was totally benign and you're going to humiliate yourself if you "confront" her about it. It's normal to want to see pictures of your children. And it's not her fault that you had a crazy and unreasonable reaction to it.

Your bullet list sounds unnecessarily patronizing. I think it will show your immaturity more than it will establish boundaries. It was awkward to read, and I'm not even you!