Disagreement with MIL

[christiekkc]

Sorry, long post. I'll try to make it easier to read my having paragraphs.

DH and I have known each other for 3 years and have been married for a little over a year.
A few months into dating, he introduced me to his family. They were very welcoming.

However, I came back from the trip a little shook up because his mother at some point had me answer a bunch of questions in the living room (a few of DH's younger siblings, DH and his dad were also present). Questions included my past romantic and sexual (none at that point) history, what I liked about DH, whether I felt ready to date seriously and get married (I was 28 then), and more pointed questions about my family's background.

Long story short, that felt like an "assault" to me. This was somewhat magnified by the fact that 1) I'm an introvert and quite private 2) I'm the oldest of my siblings and my parents trust my judgement. Being questioned in such a way in the presence of siblings in their teens felt like such a slap in the face. I companies to my then boyfriend later, and the next day he confronted his mom. I learned she had a very "sharp elbows" way of communicating with folks, and that because we lived so far away, she wanted to maximize our visit time and get to know me. She usually ask the same type of pointed questions to her adult children. She apologized and we moved on.

FFW 2.5 years, and DH and I were about to make a huge life decision that would lead to is living apart for 9 months (professional school). One evening, my MIL called him and gave him a lecture about not repeating mistakes from the past (he had married a teenage age sweetheart and she had turned his life into a nightmare for 5 years before they finally annulled the marriage ---yes annulled, not divorced. It hadn't been consummated. His family had always been against the marriage, but both he and the girl rebelled and went ahead with it. He put on a happy face for 5 years, before finally telling his family that things had spiraled out of control).

So, hearing my MIL bring up the previous marriage, in association with our current marriage made me feel like I was and would remain on probation until we had a kid (not that marriages without children don't break down). It is the norm in their family to have a kid within a year of being married (happened with 3 of his siblings). We want kids but because of the upcoming 9-month separation, want to "time it" so I'm about to deliver after he's relocated to where I am, and his done with his grad school/started his job.

Anyway, I felt so hurt by that comparison. First on DH's behalf because she wasn't trusting a 30+ man who had obviously suffered and learned from his previous mistake, and second on my own because I was the "danger" being warned against. Again, the next day, DH called her and explained that he was happy, we were a team, and making wise decisions together.

Because she is my MIL, and a very good woman really and the rest of the family is loving, I decided that my "burden" for being wife #2 would be to prove to her over time that I was in for the long haul. I didn't share this with DH though. I just figured "In a year or so, hopefully we'll be pregnant and she'll be convinced".

That was 5 months ago. Last week, she posted something on my FB page (on a food picture) saying it was nice, but that she wanted to see pictures of us, since they rarely got to see DH and I in person. I read that post and for close to an hour, was unable to focus. I guess the lingering frustration of having to "prove our happiness" overwhelmed me and I became so angry. I don't think she intended it maliciously, but my reaction to a request like that's de me realize I needed to address the underlying thoughts of feeling like a DIL on probation.

I spoke with DH, and he called to speak with her. The phone conversation didn't go well. She said she thought we were friends, and didn't imagine I had negative feelings about her. He later asked his dad to talk to her, but the dad sent back an email that pretty much said "You should have dealt with that on your end and let your wife know that we love her as a daughter. Now you have two women mad at you. She isn't on probation, and there is no expectation from is for you to have kids within a certain timeline."

DH replied and said that just his words of comfort hadn't been enough (true), and it was my mom's place to tell me those things directly. Right now, the plan is to pray and determine whether I should call her over the weekend to talk with her.

Here is what I want to say:

1) I don't dislike you (her fears. She says I'm always dressed neatly, smart, etc, and probably look down upon her...). I admire you actually. You are a brilliant renowned woman with a successful business and a great family. I'm actually intimidated by you if anything.

2) Certain things that you say may not intended maliciously, but they do hurt. You can't say you hope I'll catch the "baby disease" and at the same time say you are in no rush to see us have kids. I'm 30, and have my internal pressure to have a kid. Jokes about that topic are tactless. I don't need extra pressure from you. Your own kids sometimes push back against "too much good advice". Being a parent or PIL of adult children doesn't mean they have to give you all bullet points on their planning list. Trust that you raised them well, accept what they are willing to tell you, give your opinion, then pray for them. Do not think they MUST be on a path towards destruction unless they follow your detailed outline.

3) acknowledge that you are, at least part, judging me based on the history with the ex. Even if that's not the case as we speak, admit that up to 5 months ago, you still had reservations about my character or what I could be putting your son through.


I know these points are way too rough, but those are the general lines. I'm not ready for that phone call. I'm not angry at her, I'm just frustrated that unless we get to the root of the issue, 5-6 months from now I'll have another "I can't believe she thinks THAT!" episode.

Advice? Thoughts?

 

[Inkachu]

It sounds to me like you're holding onto past grudges far more than she is. Her comment about the food picture on Facebook sounds completely harmless and understandable. She wants to see pictures of her son and daughter in law - how in the world could that be interpreted negatively? Your husband needs to stop getting in the middle and fighting your battles for you as well. If your feelings got hurt over something that was really nothing, making your husband call his mother and stir up a fight over NOTHING was really foolish. Your mother in law doesn't owe you any phone calls or explanations. Everything that I'm reading is YOUR feelings, YOUR reactions, YOUR defensiveness. Your MIL hasn't done or said anything (that I see in your post anyway) that would warrant all these bitter, resentful feelings in you.

It's normal for a mother to advise caution in her son when he marries again after a failed marriage. It's normal for a mother to question her future daughter in law about herself and her intentions (I concur, it was uncomfortable and unnecessary, but not outlandish). It's normal for a mother to ask her son and daughter in law about having grandchildren.

I'd look inside and ask myself where all this is coming from.

 

[christiekkc]

Thanks for your opinion, Inkachu. Believe me, I understand her perspective as a MIL. Wanting to protect her son and make sure he's OK. I beg to differ about the ex-baggage. I do not think I should be judged based on another girl's behavior. And after being married to her son for close to a year, questioning him about whether he was going "to pay another girl through school" (mind you, I've been able to secure my own scholarships) meant she still didn't trust me.

You have to understand there are some cultural differences undertones to this as well. Where I come from, being at peace with your MIL is a big part of having a successful marriage. So my goal has been to "please her". In spite of feeling like an outsider each time she questioned the "truth" of our relationship, I've shut up and just told myself "time will prove that I'm genuine". Yes, I was wrong for holding those feelings in. But I can't just "deal with them" without having a discussion with her about having being hurt. And no. It wasn't my place to talk to her straight. My husband is her son. And I had a duty to speak to him first.

One other thing: my own parents are not all up on our business. They love DH as a son, and if there was EVER some sort of marital issue, or he was accused of something by a stranger, my parents would be behind DH 100% because they trust his character. I was saddened to realize that my MIL wouldn't think of me that way after I had been married to her son for a year. That's all.

 

[Inkachu]

How are you being "judged" by your MIL? What specifically has she done or said that directly compares you to your husband's ex wife? Asking if he would "pay another girl through school" might sound callous and harsh, but it's a legitimate question. If his first wife took advantage of him financially, why is it unreasonable to ask if he's learned his lesson and won't repeat the mistake? Frankly, it sounds more like she was questioning him than you.

Again, how has she "questioned the truth" of your relationship? What, specifically, has she said?

You were saddened to realize that your MIL thinks of you "that way"... what way? What did she say or do to confirm what she thinks of you as a DIL? Can you give me an example other than what you felt after she did x-y-z? Cause it still seems like you're just giving us your "feelings" other than actual things your mother in law has said or done that would warrant all this upset.

I totally understand the desire to "be at peace" with your MIL. I don't think that's cultural, I think that applies to just about every marriage! I don't know what culture you come from, but here in the US, the meddling, intrusive MIL is VERY, very common. It's annoying, it's irritating, and it can cause strife, but it's not uncommon at all.

It sounds to me like your MIL is just a woman with a strong, outspoken personality who's concerned for her son. We have to grant that she watched him go through five years of a failed marriage in the past, and as a mom, she's naturally concerned for his new marriage. Your FIL has reassured you that they both love you, there is no "probation" going on, and there is no pressure for grandchildren. Why isn't that enough for you?

 

[ValleyGal]

My husband had a long term relationship with another woman before me, and from what I hear, she was not a good catch. In fact, the in-laws eventually refused to see her. They did not like what she was doing to their son. I am fortunate that they do not compare me to her. Rather, they compare their son when he was with her, with who he is now with me. They can tell what kind of person I am based on who my husband is now compared to then.

If you talk with your MIL, buy some clothes that are more casual and in line with what she wears so she won't assume you think you are better than them. Adopt her style of talking...maybe grow a bigger elbow. All I would ask her, though, is to never mind the women in their son's life, but to focus on who he is now compared to then. Is he happier, is he more mature, does he have more purpose, is he calmer, etc. If she likes who he is and trusts his judgement, then there is no need to question you about your past, who you are or make judgements about you. After that, just be her friend and try to interpret her comments as her unique style of reaching out.

As for the discussion from when you were dating, it sounds like this is still something that you feel hurt over. You might want to bring that up and let her know that you are a very private person, and let her know not to be offended if you simply decline to answer.

 

[christiekkc]

That way as in "woman looking to prey on and use her son". Is that normal to you?

We dated for a year, did pre-engagement counseling, then premarital counseling. Because of their "hands on" approach in their children's life, they had been aware of every step in our lives. They were at the wedding and celebrated with us. Asked for a version of the bloodstained sheet to ask whether the marriage had been consummated (ok, texted to ask whether we had had sex) on our honeymoon. We had talked about school and moving plans, financial implications, etc, repeatedly, and in person, when DH and I would visit.

Then, when I started getting admission into schools, and we called to share what was good news, the questioning ensued.

"Are you sure that you want to put another girl through school?"

"Are you sure you really want this life?"

"Are you making decisions because she wants to do those things?"

"Are you sure you are not being trapped into a life you don't want?"

Is it just me, or are these questions not a reflection on who she thinks of me?

His first marriage happened when he was 23, barely out of college, and the girl was 20, in college. They had both been under the scrutiny of their families. Marriage for the girl was a way to escape from her parents' scrutiny.

I'm a 28 yr old who've lived independently for 9 years, have had a career and am a balanced adult with a background she can check and double check. My social media past is up there for her scrutiny. I'm a mature woman. Never married. No reckless single dating history. Christian, involved at my church, etc...

When we started dating, he was a mature man at 31, and had had time to grow. Why should every single life plan or decision have to be seen through the lenses of what the other girl did?

I agree that it's questioning his judgement, but in this situation, don't you see that I'm the thing being judged? How can you separate her questions from judgement? She is pretty much saying "Even though we've talked about thins back and forth and front and center, are you sure you can trust this woman enough to follow through with those plans?"

Please explain to me how this statement isn't a reflection of her distrust in me?

I know you probably have children, and are viewing this as a mom. Have you tried once putting yourself in my shoes?

 

[christiekkc]

@ValleyGal

You are right. Her son is the happiest he's been as an adult. And everyone in his family comments on how good looking/healthy/happy he is every time we visit. His close friends saw his transform begin once we started dating. We are both pursuing things that we are passionate about, and our life is interesting and e joy able even if we don't plaster pictures on FB.

I don't dress sharp just to visit. But I'm slender, tall, and have posture that looks good in even casual clothing. I also have a terminal graduate degree, so that may color her view. My DH has told me she is intimidated by my appearance and think I judge her (she is obese), but I don't! What should I do? As a woman I know we all have insecurities. Mine happen to not be weight but being on good terms with people, which in this case led me to stay silent about my feelings regarding the questioning.

You know, I don't disagree that our first encounter did color my perception. But that was ok. I learned that she communicates that way. She did apologize and said she was just trying to get to know me. That was the early stage of dating. I assumed she would get to know me over time and no longer question decisions in such a hurtful way. I really thought I had been totally accepted until that phone call about schools. I mean, we called to share the good news just like I would be happy to call my own parents, and instead the feedback was "can you trust her?". Why don't I have the right to tell her "your comments hurt me!"? She is his mother but every life decision that he makes affects me even more than it does her, and given my history and track record, you'd think I'd know better. If I had been fully trusted, the questions would have been

"Are you guys sure you want to do this?"

Addressed to both of us as a couple. Not addressed to him as if I were the gambling chip we was about to pocket.

 

[ValleyGal]

Inka, you are so right! I actually saw a documentary about parents who refused to allow their children any autonomy in college! They insisted the college inform them of their adult child's grades, missed classes, partying behaviour, etc. They would regularly check in on their adult children by surprise visits at campus, etc. We are babying our children all the way through college and into marriage! I actually know one man who made his wife live with his parents for their first decade of marriage because he was such a momma's boy and wife was very unhappy.

I'm not sure why this trend is happening, either.

In the OP's case, imo, a precedent was set that first day in the living room. That would have been the ideal time to set a boundary by saying "I'm really uncomfortable with these questions, and would really rather just enjoy spending time together rather than getting so personal with people who are still strangers to me."

Now the problem seems to be how to set the boundaries now, in spite of how the past has gone. I can see how christie would feel judged as a result of being compared. Yes, some of those questions are valid from a parental standpoint. But I can also see how they would cause discomfort and even feeling falsely accused or judged as a result of the previous wife's behaviour.

Christie, if you had dated a man you put through school for four years, and who had never even consummated with, and who made your life miserable for several years, wouldn't you be more cautious the next time around? That could be all that's happening here....your MIL is probably just much more suspicious as a result of a previous experience. It happens....it's called baggage.

Your MIL has a really enmeshed life with her family, and this reflects poor boundaries. It is NOT okay for her to text about whether or not you've consummated. It's none of her business, and so when she asks things like this, it is important for you to start being an example of what boundaries looks like by not giving in to her lack of them. When she says something that makes you uncomfortable, there is nothing wrong with you saying directly to her that that kind of questioning is not okay with you because it's a subject that is between husband and wife. It doesn't have to be all serious either....you can make it respectful and fun...to the text, I would have responded with something like "If I was going to fill you in on our sex life, I'd have put you on video-cam. But I didn't, so.....NOT!" And end with a happy face.

The thing is, your husband will need to do boundaries along with you. Together with your husband, learn what you can about boundaries, and start living out your own boundaries. If he is a Christian, it is important for him to have the "leave and cleave" foundation of boundaries in marriage. Together, figure out what other people can and can't know about your marriage, and stick to it. Stand up for each other, and present a united front in protecting the privacy and sanctity of marriage.

 

[Inkachu]

That way as in "woman looking to prey on and use her son". Is that normal to you?

Was this phrase actually used or spoken?

Asked for a version of the bloodstained sheet to ask whether the marriage had been consummated (ok, texted to ask whether we had had sex) on our honeymoon.

That is WAY out of line, but how is that aimed at YOU? It just sounds like they were being extremely nosy.

Then, when I started getting admission into schools, and we called to share what was good news, the questioning ensued.

"Are you sure that you want to put another girl through school?"

"Are you sure you really want this life?"

"Are you making decisions because she wants to do those things?"

"Are you sure you are not being trapped into a life you don't want?"

Is it just me, or are these questions not a reflection on who she thinks of me?

OK, once again, look at this from the viewpoint of a mother who watched her beloved child (the fact that he's over 18 doesn't change that he's her "baby" and always will be; if you ever have kids, you'll understand!) suffer through a failed marriage, and she doesn't want him to repeat the same mistakes. I don't see accusations, I see questions.

Why should every single life plan or decision have to be seen through the lenses of what the other girl did?

Because it wasn't THAT long ago (I'm guessing he's 30ish and his marriage would have ended when he was 25-26?). A mother's memory is LONG. If someone hurt her son, she'll be ready to defend him from similar threats forever and ever. And I still don't see this as them viewing you like "the other girl"... they seem to question HIM, not YOU. I see them questioning HIS choices, HIS wisdom. I see parents who want to make sure their son isn't being hasty and heading for a second disaster.

I agree that it's questioning his judgement, but in this situation, don't you see that I'm the thing being judged?

No, I see them questioning their son and his choices. None of the questions you posted (from their point of view) are aimed at you, they're all aimed at their son.

I know you probably have children, and are viewing this as a mom. Have you tried once putting yourself in my shoes?

I'm not viewing it as a mom, just as a person.

 

[christiekkc]

Setting boundaries sounds right. DH has been very good at defending me each time she brings up things that question me and my character. And *sometimes* he tells her "We've researched and prayed over this, we have a plan." and leaves things at that.

One reason why I don't want to let things be as they are is that I don't want her to begrudge me or according to her "walk on eggshells" around me. This is my please personality showing through, but I don't want there to be tension between us and have DH caught in the middle.

I think just not mentioning anything further will leave the divide on her side, and on my side I'll bs left thinking "how do I behave if she thinks I hate her?" And "She thinks I invented a probation period. She thinks it's MY baggage!" (And she did say that I may have foreign baggage that makes me think my in-laws are in to mess up my marriage; which is ridiculous! If anything my baggage is "you must keep the peace with the MIL at all cost")

And I do understand her concerns over her son. He went through a horrific experience. And I can see how the lack of boundaries bled into our marriage. Unfortunately, my wanting to please the MIL at all cost made me take the initial interaction in that living room. I think the pattern was set there. DH and I need to think about setting boundaries for the future. It will be tricky. Because the situation will now look like "The DIL is ruling things and causing "distance" between me and my son" .

 

[christiekkc]

Inka, I think we're talking past each other and will agree to disagree. You are EXACTLY making my point about a probationary period. How many years should I remain married to him before my character as a wife is established? You just made my point.

It was not a hasty decision to get married. If anything, I thought and prayed a lot about the previous marriage. I'm not a fool. That's why I did not want to even accept a ring before we had undergone some counseling. In my mind, I knew I'd only take a ring from a man is be ready to marry the next day. I wouldn't make that first commitment without having older mature Christians vet us both.

DH is an amazing man. His ability to recover from that experience and trust again is incredible. And don't think he isn't different. He is not the same man he was at 23. When do you think his mom needs to stop worrying that his WIFE will "do him good" just like the previous one did? According to you, when should my probation period end?

 

[JCLover779]

I think that you should not send a message to your MIL at this time. (Re: the outline of what you want to say that you listed in your first post.) ESPECIALLY do not do item #1. The first two sentences of item #1 might be OK, but everything after that...well...just don't go there.

Both Inka and Valley Gal have some very good points and I'd really encourage you to let some time pass and keep rereading what they are saying before you confront your in-laws. Also, keep rereading what your FIL said until you take it to heart. Right now, you are feeling pretty defensive and it's likely hard to see it with outside eyes like we are.

The fact that you feel like you have to prove yourself against his first wife is understandable. I think it is a combination of his past and normal insecurities that you - and everyone - has. Your MIL went way out-of-line several times here.

In regards to your question about how long is it going to take - probably more years than one. And if you are separated, just accept that it is going to take even longer. It just is. But the two of you will move on with your relationship during that time.

 

[Inkachu]

Inka, I think we're talking past each other and will agree to disagree. You are EXACTLY making my point about a probationary period. How many years should I remain married to him before my character as a wife is established? You just made my point.

It was not a hasty decision to get married. If anything, I thought and prayed a lot about the previous marriage. I'm not a fool. That's why I did not want to even accept a ring before we had undergone some counseling. In my mind, I knew I'd only take a ring from a man is be ready to marry the next day. I wouldn't make that first commitment without having older mature Christians vet us both.

DH is an amazing man. His ability to recover from that experience and trust again is incredible. And don't think he isn't different. He is not the same man he was at 23. When do you think his mom needs to stop worrying that his WIFE will "do him good" just like the previous one did? According to you, when should my probation period end?

I dunno, maybe you're just not "hearing" what I'm saying. You're still making it all about you, when most of what I've read is them posing questions and concerns to HIM about HIS CHOICES. If anyone is "on probation" right now, it's him, not you! You bring up comments and things that were said months or years ago, as if they happened last week. How long do YOU hold onto grudges, I wonder? It doesn't seem like you let things go very quickly yourself. You've been married for a year. ONE YEAR. The whole thing is still brand spankin' new. Give it some time to settle down and work itself out. You seem hyper-focused on whatever negatives you can latch onto, and I don't see you giving much weight to the positives at all (like the extremely kind things your FIL said about you).

 

[christiekkc]

I dunno, maybe you're just not "hearing" what I'm saying. You're still making it all about you, when most of what I've read is them posing questions and concerns to HIM about HIS CHOICES. If anyone is "on probation" right now, it's him, not you! You bring up comments and things that were said months or years ago, as if they happened last week. How long do YOU hold onto grudges, I wonder? It doesn't seem like you let things go very quickly yourself. You've been married for a year. ONE YEAR. The whole thing is still brand spankin' new. Give it some time to settle down and work itself out. You seem hyper-focused on whatever negatives you can latch onto, and I don't see you giving much weight to the positives at all (like the extremely kind things your FIL said about you).

I regret being too weak to set boundaries early on. I'm not holding on to grudges. I have profound triggers (I have a childhood abuse past), so I do not decide when events that I had decided to ignore to keep the peace come back up. Her insistence on seeing photos of us (which I admitted in my first post was not malicious) triggered the reaction and made me realize I didn't want to keep living wondering if she already trusted me. I wasn't cursing her under my breath waiting for an opportunity to say "Bad woman". Pictures on FB would be a terrible "excuse" to latch on for that. Like I said, my reaction made me realize I had to let her know about my feelings.

And I honestly don't see how even going by your explanation (him being on probation) doesn't affect me. You do heartily agree that she is asking those questions because of what happened with the previous wife, right? So, with what happened with X, are you sure you want to be away from Y for 9 months? How in the world is that not using X's history to judge Y? My "hearing" is defective, because I simply don't get it.

Again with the new wife we have to talk about every single decision 100X times just to make sure history does not repeat itself. That's not firm boundaries IMO. That's projecting her insecurities and fears upon me.

And yes, I seem to be making this about me because I'm entitled to a voice. Just because I married a man with a previous terrible ex-wife does not mean I can't share my feelings with my MIL when I'm hurt (this totally escapes my understanding!) If I were truly a DIL that is judged on her own merit, we'd be talking about this. I wouldn't have to stay quiet. My bad for not having the guts for saying "Not answering that" when I was being badgered. DH's bad for not enforcing boundaries when he should have done so. Her bad for not observing boundaries with her adult children.

Yup. Our marriage is spanking new. But I don't intend to live under a microscope.

Oh, FIL told DH the first time we visited that I was quite a catch. I've never had any doubt that he sincerely loves me. My MIL is the one that takes the lead with questioning and wants to know everything. She has a totally different personality. Like DH often says, she has a favorite saying: "Paranoia pays".

Based on your view of the situation, what are you advising? That I just stay quiet? She is on her end thinking that I loathe her. From my end I don't want her to keep thinking that. I'm not going to apologize for bringing up the issue. Because it was either that or letting it eat up at me once I realized how much of an effect she had on me. I just want her to understand that when she contrasts DH's past marriage with mine, she is hurting me. There is a way to advise an adult son without comparing two people.

Are you a MIL? Wouldn't you want your DIL to tell you how she felt about some things you did/said? Or as the mother are you entitled to a blank card for questioning your son's family life because he had a prior failing in judgement?

 

[Inkachu]

I have profound triggers (I have a childhood abuse past), so I do not decide when events that I had decided to ignore to keep the peace come back up. Her insistence on seeing photos of us (which I admitted in my first post was not malicious) triggered the reaction and made me realize I didn't want to keep living wondering if she already trusted me. I wasn't cursing her under my breath waiting for an opportunity to say "Bad woman". Pictures on FB would be a terrible "excuse" to latch on for that. Like I said, my reaction made me realize I had to let her know about my feelings.

Then you need to stop making other people responsible for your reactions and feelings. If you feel hurt or defensive or mistrusted, you need to examine yourself first and foremost. The fact that you're related to these people doesn't give you a ticket to drag them into your hyper-sensitive, defensive arena, and force them to constantly soothe and reassure you. You need to learn to just let things go. Your mother in law sounds intrusive and nosey and annoying. That's not a crime. That's common to millions of mothers in law around the world. You can either constantly bring up every offense and drag your husband and father in law into it and make it a family drama, or you can say "OH, there goes Mom again! God bless her, I am not going to give her the power to upset me, I choose to forgive her and let it roll off my shoulders".

And I honestly don't see how even going by your explanation (him being on probation) doesn't affect me. You do heartily agree that she is asking those questions because of what happened with the previous wife, right? So, with what happened with X, are you sure you want to be away from Y for 9 months? How in the world is that not using X's history to judge Y? My "hearing" is defective, because I simply don't get it.

Of course it affects you. My point was that it isn't aimed at you. It's not a personal attack on you. It's not that your mother in law is out to destroy you or get rid of you. Your mother in law is not using "X" to judge "Y". She's showing concern for her son in regards to his past, because she doesn't want it to be repeated. Let's say my son has a Camaro, and one day the brakes give out and he crashes and gets hurt. As a mother, I'm distraught and horrified! Once he recovers from his injuries, he buys a Corvette. If I call him every day and say "OK, have you checked the brakes? Are you sure this is a good car to have, after what happened with the last one? Have you really thought about how you need to be careful and make sure everything's working properly on this car?" Am I attacking the Corvette? Am I "judging" the new car? NO, I'm showing concern for my son's actions and choices, because I saw him get hurt before, and as a mother, my biggest concern is that it not. happen. again. I would show the same concern no matter what new car he bought. I may be excessive in my worry and my questioning, and it may get to the point where I just flat out get on everyone's nerves. That doesn't make me a mean, awful, wicked mom. It makes me pretty normal, actually.

Again with the new wife we have to talk about every single decision 100X times just to make sure history does not repeat itself. That's not firm boundaries IMO. That's projecting her insecurities and fears upon me.

So.... stop discussing everything with your mother in law

And yes, I seem to be making this about me because I'm entitled to a voice. Just because I married a man with a previous terrible ex-wife does not mean I can't share my feelings with my MIL when I'm hurt (this totally escapes my understanding!) If I were truly a DIL that is judged on her own merit, we'd be talking about this. I wouldn't have to stay quiet. My bad for not having the guts for saying "Not answering that" when I was being badgered. DH's bad for not enforcing boundaries when he should have done so. Her bad for not observing boundaries with her adult children.

You're entitled to a voice, but you're also responsible for making sure that you don't use that voice so excessively and freely that you make the universe revolve around you and your feelings. You don't have to air every little grievance. You don't have to take a single comment from your MIL and turn it into a war that you still complain about years later. And I agree, all three of you have issues with boundaries. Since you can't control your MIL, you and your hubby need to discuss how to better set boundaries for yourselves as a couple.

Yup. Our marriage is spanking new. But I don't intend to live under a microscope.

Then stop allowing it!

Based on your view of the situation, what are you advising? That I just stay quiet? She is on her end thinking that I loathe her. From my end I don't want her to keep thinking that. I'm not going to apologize for bringing up the issue. Because it was either that or letting it eat up at me once I realized how much of an effect she had on me. I just want her to understand that when she contrasts DH's past marriage with mine, she is hurting me. There is a way to advise an adult son without comparing two people.

I'm advising that 1) You learn to let things go! Just because your MIL says or does something that plucks your nerves, you don't have to respond or react! Think first, what will bring about the most constructive change? Brushing it off, or forcing my husband to call my FIL to talk to my MIL and getting the whole family upset? If there is a serious offense, then by all means, deal with it. But what I've seen in your posts sounds more like comments and questions that are annoying and maybe a little intrusive, but not deeply offensive and requiring action. And 2) Get together with your husband and discuss the boundaries that you currently have in place, and talk about how you might improve them to make your lives run more smoothly and with less drama.

Are you a MIL? Wouldn't you want your DIL to tell you how she felt about some things you did/said? Or as the mother are you entitled to a blank card for questioning your son's family life because he had a prior failing in judgement?

No, I'm not a mother in law lol. Not quite old enough for that role yet I'm actually your age (30 something). I would definitely want my DIL to feel free to talk to me about anything that concerns her, BUT your MIL is not me. She doesn't sound anything like me. So the way I would treat my DIL might be completely opposite of her ways. And to be fair, if my son got his heart broken and went through something as serious as a failed marriage, I would DEFINITELY be concerned and asking questions if he were getting married again. Probably not to the extent that your MIL is (I mean, after the wedding, it's a done deal, time to back off), though.

I DO have a mother who can be intrusive and nosy and overbearing, though! She actually seems to like my husband better than me lol. And she does things that I consider "crossing the line" sometimes, like the other day she took my son aside and told him that I don't discipline him harshly enough. I don't think that was appropriate. But I shrugged it off because it's not a big deal. I'm confident in how I raise my son. He came home and told me what she said, and he and I sat and talked about it. And that was it. No drama required. I love my mom to bits, but I have had to learn to just ignore her sometimes, and not respond to things she says or does. Sometimes she'll email my husband instead of me about something, like she's "bypassing" her daughter. I honestly just laugh about it! I can laugh because I love her, I know she loves me, and it's so NOT worth it to me, to get upset.

I still think you need to be patient and give this some time. One year is such a tiny slice of time in the overall spectrum of life. Let your MIL see that her son is happy and safe and has a good, loving wife for a while longer, and see if that helps her calm down and chill out and back off a bit. In the meantime, try to learn to keep the peace and let things go.

 

[christiekkc]

I get your point. My mom does the same thing with my husband. She doesn't meddle, but they call each other to chat on a regular basis. She gives me messages through him once in a while.

Your reasoning is in line with what I was thinking. I'll just let things be so we can each have some space. We'll provably skip on meeting them next month when we're in town.

School will start in August. It'll be busy and 9 months will be gone pretty fast. Hopefully when she sees us back together in the same city and pregnant she'll start backing off.

I'm going to let go of the desire to have her admit she has been judging me unfairly. But I'll need my space.

 

[Inkachu]

I wish you all the best, Christie.

 

[christiekkc]

Lol, this feels like stubbornness, but it's not. I'm not making her feel (unjustly) responsible for my feelings. She is the special character.

I get that I have to forgive and move on, but it's frustrating when the person does not even see or admit the offense. Inka, you clearly say she needs time, and that was my whole point. But she would never admit this. She is not even aware of her own bias.

So yeah, I'll let things go. But I'll need some space.

 

[christiekkc]

I wish you all the best, Christie.

Thanks for your advice.

 

[Inkachu]

Lol, this feels like stubbornness, but it's not. I'm not making her feel (unjustly) responsible for my feelings. She is the special character.

I get that I have to forgive and move on, but it's frustrating when the person does not even see or admit the offense. Inka, you clearly say she needs time, and that was my whole point. But she would never admit this. She is not even aware of her own bias.

So yeah, I'll let things go. But I'll need some space.

Darlin', I don't bother to correct my mother at all anymore. I used to, and she would only get offended and then sulk and stop speaking to me. She doesn't need to see or admit the offense in order for YOU to get past it and move on with YOUR life. Don't give her that power.

At the same time, don't write her off just yet. She's only been your MIL for a year. You can't know what kind of relationship you'll have in five or ten or twenty years. Set boundaries, by all means, but don't give up hope that it can get better!