Disability

[Hendrica]

Hello, I am new to this forum. I suffer from chronic depression and possibly bipolar disorder and am on indefinite disability from work because of it. I am a Christian and am believing that God is with me in all of this. I was wondering if there are any others who are in the same position as me and what do you do all day with your time. I have a hard time with this.

 

[alsughasoughaiuyfygh]

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[Tempura]

Hi. To some extent, I can relate. Been depressed for a long time, although I am now a lot better. Not bipolar though, but I have experiences of people that are. I had to quit my job years ago because of my depression, and years after that, I was put on a disability pension.

At first, I didn't do much with my time. And when I did, it was all the wrong things (drinking, for example - which made it worse). I started to gravitate towards things I'm interested in, in time. I've always loved music, so I started to play my guitar again and write/record songs. Haven't been doing that for a while, but it's there when I get around to it. And even if I don't play or sing, I can always listen to music, which is the greatest thing.

I also started to read the Bible, some other religious texts and simply think about these thins. In fact, my depression got me searching for God. In depression and all its darkness, I found a light that would have been hard for me to see otherwise. It wasn't a sudden burst of joy, but more like hope and resilience. I continue to think about these things, and I was blessed in a way that made me embrace my weaknesses, my limits and my regrets, instead of beating myself in the head with them. It can be a humbling and a wonderful thing. It made me accept God's grace in Jesus Christ with an open heart, instead of fighting it, instead of "needing to be better, and not this lump of shame", as I would put it. Being humbled, instead of humiliating and hating myself. And since I accepted that love and grace, it has carried me, even when I thought I was at a rock bottom. It's easier to "breathe" spiritually, and also accept the faults of others. Not that I am saint, I am far from it. Often proud, quick to anger, often negligent and inconsiderate. But I put my hope in something else that is perfect love, and it helps.

I read a lot more nowadays too. Sometimes religious stuff, sometimes scientific, sometimes something else. So much to learn, so much to wonder. There are things we are drawn to, even if it can be hard to see when one is depressed and bombarded with demotivation. Sometimes I do "vain" stuff, like play video games and watch nonsensical action movies.

Lately I've been starting to exercise a little. Jogging/walking, some simple muscle exercises. It makes me feel better, more focused and stronger, which always helps our minds too. And I'm not even strong or in a good shape, quite the opposite, but it's still a little better than before. And if I am blessed one day with a meaningful job or activity involving other people, I'll be more ready for it this way. If not, I'm still doing something that makes me stronger physically and emotionally.

When depressed, it's easy to crawl back into a little corner, and make it your comfort zone. I'm not saying I'm not guilty of that - I certainly am - but we are not doomed to be in that corner. We can learn, we can have passions, we can do something, and we can challenge our fears. And if we try and fail, it's okay. As long as we live, we have unlimited tries. We can learn plenty of good things from our failures, instead of beating ourselves in the head with them, which doesn't do anything. No fear, Christ has already won.

God bless you.

 

[Hendrica]

I suffer from Asperger's Syndrome, anxiety, depression and possibly Complex PTSD. I'm on disability while working as much as I can at a job that tries its best to help disabled workers.

You are not alone.

Thanks so much for sharing. I am glad you are able to work as much as you can at your job. It is a relief to know I am not alone.

 

[Hendrica]

Hi. To some extent, I can relate. Been depressed for a long time, although I am now a lot better. Not bipolar though, but I have experiences of people that are. I had to quit my job years ago because of my depression, and years after that, I was put on a disability pension.

At first, I didn't do much with my time. And when I did, it was all the wrong things (drinking, for example - which made it worse). I started to gravitate towards things I'm interested in, in time. I've always loved music, so I started to play my guitar again and write/record songs. Haven't been doing that for a while, but it's there when I get around to it. And even if I don't play or sing, I can always listen to music, which is the greatest thing.

I also started to read the Bible, some other religious texts and simply think about these thins. In fact, my depression got me searching for God. In depression and all its darkness, I found a light that would have been hard for me to see otherwise. It wasn't a sudden burst of joy, but more like hope and resilience. I continue to think about these things, and I was blessed in a way that made me embrace my weaknesses, my limits and my regrets, instead of beating myself in the head with them. It can be a humbling and a wonderful thing. It made me accept God's grace in Jesus Christ with an open heart, instead of fighting it, instead of "needing to be better, and not this lump of shame", as I would put it. Being humbled, instead of humiliating and hating myself. And since I accepted that love and grace, it has carried me, even when I thought I was at a rock bottom. It's easier to "breathe" spiritually, and also accept the faults of others. Not that I am saint, I am far from it. Often proud, quick to anger, often negligent and inconsiderate. But I put my hope in something else that is perfect love, and it helps.

I read a lot more nowadays too. Sometimes religious stuff, sometimes scientific, sometimes something else. So much to learn, so much to wonder. There are things we are drawn to, even if it can be hard to see when one is depressed and bombarded with demotivation. Sometimes I do "vain" stuff, like play video games and watch nonsensical action movies.

Lately I've been starting to exercise a little. Jogging/walking, some simple muscle exercises. It makes me feel better, more focused and stronger, which always helps our minds too. And I'm not even strong or in a good shape, quite the opposite, but it's still a little better than before. And if I am blessed one day with a meaningful job or activity involving other people, I'll be more ready for it this way. If not, I'm still doing something that makes me stronger physically and emotionally.

When depressed, it's easy to crawl back into a little corner, and make it your comfort zone. I'm not saying I'm not guilty of that - I certainly am - but we are not doomed to be in that corner. We can learn, we can have passions, we can do something, and we can challenge our fears. And if we try and fail, it's okay. As long as we live, we have unlimited tries. We can learn plenty of good things from our failures, instead of beating ourselves in the head with them, which doesn't do anything. No fear, Christ has already won.

God bless you.

Thanks so much for sharing. You have practically voiced everything that I have been going through. I have been on disability actually for two years. I had been told I was ineffective at my job and encouraged to go on disability. My superiors knew I struggled with depression and fibromyalgia actually. I just could not keep up efficiently. The first year wasn't too bad. I had a few months on short term disability. Then, the depression got worse and I knew I could not go back to work as I didn't feel ready. My psychiatrist said I needed more time as well. Then, I applied for the long term disability and it was a fight that made me even more depressed and it was during this time that my doctor suspected bipolar 2. As well, the medications were not working. Finally I was approved and I was okay for awhile, then starting in January of this year began having suicidal thoughts and very dark depressive days. These are still continuing to a greater or lesser degree. Today, I received notification that I am on the long term disability indefinitely. I feel a mixture of relief and thankfulness but also I feel I have failed as a Christian and as a productive member of society. I have taught for twenty years and have raised a son as a single parent, have worked previous to attending university and my counselor reminds me to be proud of these accomplishments. Today, upon receiving the news I felt relief and I know God will help me. I am glad you gave me some ideas. I know I have to take care of myself because I struggle with an illness. So, I will concentrate on exercising and eating well. I want to develop a relationship with God as well so I am going to read my Bible, or listen to it in audio. I will have to get rid of feelings that I am only living for myself and I am sure God will help me. I have a guitar but I have to get the strings for it so I will take that up. I am also trying to reassure myself that I am close to retirement anyway and I know deep inside that I cannot do a fulltime teaching job again and my union leader said that that is all that is available. I am trying to stay positive and I want to enjoy life again after these two very trying years.

 

[Tempura]

I feel a mixture of relief and thankfulness but also I feel I have failed as a Christian and as a productive member of society. I have taught for twenty years and have raised a son as a single parent, have worked previous to attending university and my counselor reminds me to be proud of these accomplishments.

One important thing to ponder: we have all failed. That's why Christ came, to do what we never could, so that we would have hope in Him. So in a sense, we have all failed, but those failures are now victories in Jesus Christ.

You have taught for twenty years? That is amazing. I still have warm memories of certain teachers I had. Some of those memories could just be about little fleeting moments that left an impression on me. And those teachers will never know about it, I doubt I'll see them again. Likewise, you have no way of knowing how many lives you touched in a positive way. And you have raised a son! Isn't that the most wonderful thing: raising and nurturing a human being. You have been a productive member of a society in a manner that I never could, even if I hadn't become ill and even if I lived many lifetimes. There is no reason to downplay what you have done. I say well done!

Think of someone who has touched you. Preferably someone who might have felt worthless too. It could have been just a moment for you, but would you say to them: "yes, you are worthless."? You wouldn't. And you know it wouldn't be a lie. So why would you be a special case? When we give love to someone, without wanting anything back, we know it's honest. Our real struggle is within ourselves. We find it hard to let love relieve us. And it's many times harder if we're depressed, because we're bombarded with guilt, shame and everything useless that doesn't help us in any way. We become obsessed in what we have or haven't done, it's like staring at our supposed failures, sins and regrets and worshiping them in a manner. But we can see the true nature of things when we think about someone we love and appreciate in this same setting.

I've eventually learned that I can acknowledge those feelings of worthlessness or despair, but I don't have to obey them. That feeling of despair isn't a truth, it's not a compass. It's tunnel vision of the worst kind, and it doesn't build anything, it doesn't do anything good to anyone. I can feel it, and there was a time when I thought it will swallow me and kill me, but I can tell it to sod off, and focus on Christ and His grace instead. He doesn't put more chains on me, He does the opposite. And no matter how many times I fail or stumble, He doesn't. In the end, it isn't even about me or what I can do, it's about God instead. This way, we are truly free.

I had to get into treatments at some points, and I've been through the circus. All of that helped too. Even some of it that didn't, because it paved the way for something that eventually did work. But I thank God and everyone who helped me.

Today, upon receiving the news I felt relief and I know God will help me. I am glad you gave me some ideas. I know I have to take care of myself because I struggle with an illness. So, I will concentrate on exercising and eating well. I want to develop a relationship with God as well so I am going to read my Bible, or listen to it in audio. I will have to get rid of feelings that I am only living for myself and I am sure God will help me. I have a guitar but I have to get the strings for it so I will take that up. I am also trying to reassure myself that I am close to retirement anyway and I know deep inside that I cannot do a fulltime teaching job again and my union leader said that that is all that is available. I am trying to stay positive and I want to enjoy life again after these two very trying years.

Oh yes, He will help you. That is good, inspiring faith. Strength in weakness.

Sometimes things take time, but it's usually a good thing. If I, when I was at my worst, had received an instant miracle healing, I wouldn't have learned anything. Least of all patience. In fact, I would have probably lost it all in an instant.

My mother had to quit, also close to her retirement. A few years earlier. She couldn't handle the stress, and she was tired all the time. So she quit. The pension was smaller than what it would have been otherwise, and she probably felt some guilt too, but she's doing a little better. I hope and believe that you will too, no matter what it takes. Said a prayer for you.

Please stick around, if you like. Plenty of different people on this depression forum, plenty of experiences and I see a lot of people encouraging each other. We have that "what are you feeling..." - thread here, people usually say hello to each other there and sometimes we talk about our feelings, sometimes we vent a little, whatever it is. I liked reading everything you wrote.

 

[Press On]

Hello, I am new to this forum. I suffer from chronic depression and possibly bipolar disorder and am on indefinite disability from work because of it. I am a Christian and am believing that God is with me in all of this. I was wondering if there are any others who are in the same position as me and what do you do all day with your time. I have a hard time with this.

Hello and welcome. Please stay around as there are a lot of good people here who will understand and support you because we are going through similar struggles.

I am 63 and was forced into early retirement at 60 because I could no longer do a job I had done for 28 years. Hard on my pride, but necessary. Some doors closed and others opened. I now have time to do volunteer work and revive a long dead musical career part time again.

I was on antidepressants for nearly 25 years and the side effects of the meds, perhaps more than the depression itself, caused me to have to end my career about 10 years earlier than I wanted.