Dilemma in love

[Roy Dean]

Dear brothers ad sisters.

I am in a situation that I preferred not to be in, but I want to handle this that our Father would like me to handle. A friend of mine has met a lovely lady that he invited to the Alpha course of the church. He met her at a dating app. My fried is very fond of her but I get clear signs that this lady is fond of me. And to be honest, I like her very much as well. So I am struggling with my conscience. One part of me says. Respect the feelings of your friend and at the other hand if I keep distancing myself from her it is possible that we both will be left behind with a heartbreak.

I pray for my friend and I pray for the Lords guidance on this matter but I still can’t figure it out. I keep thinking on both of them, and I have no clue how to handle this situation. For now I keep my emotional distance to her but it is eating me from inside. Not wanting to hurt my friend and maybe losing the love of my life. Or could it be a test from God to see how loyal I am towards my friend. Being in love doesn’t help the thinking process. So I hope someone here can help me with som wisdom that is related to the Bible. Because I could not find any answers on Google about this subject that refers to the Bible.

Bless you all

 

[Reluctant Theologian]

A difficult situation indeed ... I would say you can only make a move once she has clearly and unambiguously rejected the interest of your friend. Until that moment you can be kind but stay clear. And you can ask your friend about the actual status of that. You can't help she being interested in you, but it's polite and wise to first let the (im)possible click between your friend and her be settled clearly.

How is the Alpha Course itself going?

 

[Roy Dean]

A difficult situation indeed ... I would say you can only make a move once she has clearly and unambiguously rejected the interest of your friend. Until that moment you can be kind but stay clear. And you can ask your friend about the actual status of that. You can't help she being interested in you, but it's polite and wise to first let the (im)possible click between your friend and her be settled clearly.

How is the Alpha Course itself going?

Apologies for my late response, and thanks for taking the time and effort to answer my question. Now that friend of mine hasn't said anything about whether she has provided that clarity, but all non verbal signs point to it. We also have another participant in the group who spoke out of turn, which showed that the lady seems to like me in front of him. He didn't argue and I pretended I hadn't heard. I didn't know how to behave in his presence, but also out of respect for him. I think you are right to ask and be clear. Yet it also feels a bit like betrayal. But feelings are not guided. It comes and you have to deal with it. Hope it won't change our friendship.

The Alpha course was fantastic. We have gained a nice group of friends, in which that friend and his guest (that lady) also participated. It's wonderful to see people discovering about and growing in Christ so clearly.

 

[Reluctant Theologian]

Apologies for my late response, and thanks for taking the time and effort to answer my question. Now that friend of mine hasn't said anything about whether she has provided that clarity, but all non verbal signs point to it. We also have another participant in the group who spoke out of turn, which showed that the lady seems to like me in front of him. He didn't argue and I pretended I hadn't heard. I didn't know how to behave in his presence, but also out of respect for him. I think you are right to ask and be clear. Yet it also feels a bit like betrayal. But feelings are not guided. It comes and you have to deal with it. Hope it won't change our friendship.

The Alpha course was fantastic. We have gained a nice group of friends, in which that friend and his guest (that lady) also participated. It's wonderful to see people discovering about and growing in Christ so clearly.

Sounds great ... I've been involved in Alpha in Holland in the past as well .. so it still has my interest.

 

[Jo555]

A difficult situation indeed ... I would say you can only make a move once she has clearly and unambiguously rejected the interest of your friend. Until that moment you can be kind but stay clear. And you can ask your friend about the actual status of that. You can't help she being interested in you, but it's polite and wise to first let the (im)possible click between your friend and her be settled clearly.

How is the Alpha Course itself going?

A rare case where I don't feel like I have anything of value to add as I see this as excellent advice.

 

[Roy Dean]

Sounds great ... I've been involved in Alpha in Holland in the past as well .. so it still has my interest.

Wow, are you Dutch as well?

 

[Reluctant Theologian]

Wow, are you Dutch as well?

I am, but don't live there normally, but still visit occasionally.

 

[com7fy8]

If she is sharing in an Alpha group, she might need to keep her attention mainly to God and her life with God, while also sharing with and loving everyone.

It might be a little fast to be getting interested in you alone more than others. And she could need to share first with more mature Christians so you can mature in how to love with various people who are God's family.

 

[Jermayn]

Dear brothers ad sisters.

I am in a situation that I preferred not to be in, but I want to handle this that our Father would like me to handle. A friend of mine has met a lovely lady that he invited to the Alpha course of the church. He met her at a dating app. My fried is very fond of her but I get clear signs that this lady is fond of me. And to be honest, I like her very much as well. So I am struggling with my conscience. One part of me says. Respect the feelings of your friend and at the other hand if I keep distancing myself from her it is possible that we both will be left behind with a heartbreak.

I pray for my friend and I pray for the Lords guidance on this matter but I still can’t figure it out. I keep thinking on both of them, and I have no clue how to handle this situation. For now I keep my emotional distance to her but it is eating me from inside. Not wanting to hurt my friend and maybe losing the love of my life. Or could it be a test from God to see how loyal I am towards my friend. Being in love doesn’t help the thinking process. So I hope someone here can help me with som wisdom that is related to the Bible. Because I could not find any answers on Google about this subject that refers to the Bible.

Bless you all

I really appreciate your desire to honor God in this situation and to avoid hurting your friend. Romantic feelings can be powerful and confusing, and you’re wise to pause and seek counsel before acting on them.

That said, there are a few red flags I’d encourage you to consider carefully. First, it sounds like your feelings for this woman developed very quickly, possibly to the point of saying you’re in love. That’s not wrong in itself, but in emotionally charged situations like this, things can escalate fast and lead to a kind of love triangle dynamic that rarely ends well for anyone involved.

Second, from what you’ve shared, it doesn’t sound like you’ve received any clear, verbal indication from her that she feels the same way. Strong emotions can cause us to interpret friendliness or basic connection as something more romantic than it actually is. Unless she’s clearly communicated romantic interest, it’s best not to assume it’s there.

Third, and most importantly, your friend would almost certainly be hurt if you were to pursue her right now. Even if they’re not officially in a relationship, it sounds like he’s emotionally invested, and this would feel like betrayal to him. Worst-case scenario, you could damage both your friendship and your standing as a Christian brother.

If God intends for you and this woman to be together, it won’t come through confusion, secrecy, or betrayal. It will be clear, honest, and honoring to all involved. If I were in your shoes, I’d continue praying, spend time in God’s Word, and create some emotional and physical distance from her until either:

1. Your friend makes it clear that nothing will come of their connection, and
2. You’ve had time to check your motives and emotional clarity before moving forward.

If, after that, you still believe there’s mutual interest, I’d strongly encourage you to seek your friend’s blessing before pursuing anything further. That kind of humility and respect could actually preserve your friendship, and your witness.

 

[Roy Dean]

Thank you so much Jermayn for your well substantiated answer. The situation is that a few weeks ago I accidentally showed my interest in her on a moment of silence when she brought me back home, parked in front of my house. I was shocked by my own action and left her car immediately when she started to as questions about telling her this. Once home I immediately messaged her that it was a mistake. She messaged me back a little later to tell me she was ok with it, and understood my moment of panic and unthoughtfulness. She did sent me some sweet messages after this but I kept my emotional distance again, not wanting to develop this in a way that is treasonous towards my friend.
Right after messaging her about my mistake, I messaged my friend to make an appointment to have a walk with him with the intention to explain this situation. A few days later we meet and it was a very intense moment but a very beautiful one. He was shocked, but he was very impressed that I opened myself on this and that I messaged him immediately after my moment of stupidity. Our friendship became stronger and I decided to leave this situation for what it is.
I still don't know for sure her feelings towards the both of us, but I do know his feelings for her, and I can't live with myself to disturb our friendship this way. Sometimes love means to let it go. So I distanced myself from her for further approach. It hurts on one hand but on the other hand it feels like a victory to preserved and strengthened our friendship with honesty and respect for each other. Feels like another little step forward in spiritual growth towards Jesus.

Praise the Lord
​

 

[Jermayn]

Thank you so much Jermayn for your well substantiated answer. The situation is that a few weeks ago I accidentally showed my interest in her on a moment of silence when she brought me back home, parked in front of my house. I was shocked by my own action and left her car immediately when she started to as questions about telling her this. Once home I immediately messaged her that it was a mistake. She messaged me back a little later to tell me she was ok with it, and understood my moment of panic and unthoughtfulness. She did sent me some sweet messages after this but I kept my emotional distance again, not wanting to develop this in a way that is treasonous towards my friend.​

Right after messaging her about my mistake, I messaged my friend to make an appointment to have a walk with him with the intention to explain this situation. A few days later we meet and it was a very intense moment but a very beautiful one. He was shocked, but he was very impressed that I opened myself on this and that I messaged him immediately after my moment of stupidity. Our friendship became stronger and I decided to leave this situation for what it is.​

I still don't know for sure her feelings towards the both of us, but I do know his feelings for her, and I can't live with myself to disturb our friendship this way. Sometimes love means to let it go. So I distanced myself from her for further approach. It hurts on one hand but on the other hand it feels like a victory to preserved and strengthened our friendship with honesty and respect for each other. Feels like another little step forward in spiritual growth towards Jesus. ​

​

Praise the Lord ​

​

That’s amazing, Roy. It took real courage and spiritual maturity to respond the way you did, I know it couldn’t have been easy. Your selfless decision shows not only your desire to honor God, but also your deep care for your brothers and sisters in Christ.

The Bible speaks of our actions being tested by fire, and of the reward that remains when they endure. “Each one’s work will become manifest, for the Day will disclose it, because it will be revealed by fire, and the fire will test what sort of work each one has done. If the work that anyone has built on the foundation survives, he will receive a reward.” (1 Corinthians 3:13–14, ESV)

I truly believe the way you handled this has added treasure to that reward.

Praise the Lord indeed!

 

[Roy Dean]

Wow, thank you so much for your beautiful encouragement Jermayn that touched me deeply. :') For me it is not really the reward that drives me. It is about the desire of being part of His Kingdom, making myself useful towards Him out of love and gratefulness for what He did for us. We never can pay back His ultimate act of love. His act of love, by paying for our mercy with His blood, washing away our sins is the biggest treasure we can ever receive. Still fighting, sometimes still making wrong choices to learn making the right ones, but that's part of our training to be a civilian, soldier and missionary of His Kingdom. Being one of His is a reward by itself.

 

[Scoutship]

I pray for my friend and I pray for the Lords guidance on this matter but I still can’t figure it out..

We've all had women fluttering their eyelashes at us from time to time, but we won't or can't respond for various reasons. (I could tell you stories).
Personally my first thought is "Satan has probably put her in my life to ensnare me", so rather than give him the satisfaction of falling into his trap I maintain a polite distance from her..

 

[com7fy8]

The situation is that a few weeks ago I accidentally showed my interest in her on a moment of silence when she brought me back home, parked in front of my house. I was shocked by my own action and left her car immediately when she started to as questions about telling her this. Once home I immediately messaged her that it was a mistake. She messaged me back a little later to tell me she was ok with it, and understood my moment of panic and unthoughtfulness. She did sent me some sweet messages after this but I kept my emotional distance again, not wanting to develop this in a way that is treasonous towards my friend.

You say, "she started to as questions".

I think you mean she started to "ask" questions about you telling her this. So, she seems able to communicate as a sister in Jesus. So, she could be a worthy friend, too.

And in Jesus we are family. So, we should not be picking and choosing favorites, but dearly love all our Christian brothers and sisters in Jesus.

Every Christian lady is dearly loved by Jesus Himself; so why would you not dearly love her, and all the others who are so loved by Jesus? And you need to share with much more mature Christian women so you can discover how God has a sister grow in Jesus and His way of loving.

And pray and be able to communicate so you know what is going on with each woman you know. If you are not sure, I would be careful and be ready to welcome a dearly loved sister to marry someone else. And be ready to discover who really belongs with you

In my case, I have my lady friend of about eleven years. At times, I sense how different Christian women are, and I can tell we have God's love together, but no one else can take her place. But other ladies of Jesus are special to Jesus Himself. So, they should be dear and special to me, too. So, I need to pray and discover how to share with each one; and the real and reliable communication is in God's gentle and quiet love, deeper than feelings.

Now, there is woman who is I would say a beautiful and kind person; so of course any Christian man could be very satisfied with her. But God's love with her is deeper and nicer and better than any feelings I have had for her. And my lady friend is mature; no one new in Jesus can love and communicate like a lady who has decades of Christian growth and maturity.

So, I would say, grow in God's love which is all-loving and deeply quiet and perfectly satisfying and which does not have you confused. And He will guide you right, with each person. And you can tell people that you need to grow in Jesus more so you are more able to be clear about how to dearly love every child of God.

As we grow in Christ, we will discover more and more fine men and women to be our Christian friends. God does bless us with more than we can handle; because He is growing us to be able to handle more and more of all His blessing.