Difficulty Blaming My OCD

[blartz]

I have not made much, if any, progress since sharing my story. So I'm still facing the same struggles of doubting God's existence, doubting the Bible, doubting my salvation, wondering if I have any real, sincere, faith, and my nonstop thinking/obsessing over it all. I am seeing a counselor now which is giving me new perspectives, but I am having difficulty trusting what he's saying. He is convinced I am saved and that my struggles are OCD-related. In fact, he doesn't even like getting into the spiritual side of things too much because he knows that just feeds into my obsession. He wants me to not let myself get discouraged by my obsessive thoughts and to tell myself they are merely a result of my mental illness.

I don't want to get into too much detail about what his advice is, because the advice he's given does give me a small sense of hope and I'm honestly scared someone may disagree with the advice and then I'll be even more confused.

That being said, I'm greatly wrestling with this perspective. I'm admittedly very new to OCD and new to how it affects me in particular, so I should be very open to the advice and direction I'm given. But, I'm finding it difficult to say, "This is because of OCD." It feels like I'm really struggling to know God, really struggling to believe the Bible, really struggling to love him, really struggling to have a pure heart, really struggling to convince myself it's all true. Do I have a sense that my OCD causes a lot of confusion and unwanted thoughts? Yes I do. The most certain I am of anything is that I've allowed myself to become totally obsessed with trying to convince myself to believe, trying to muster up faith, and trying to be confident of my salvation. And am I expected to get over this obsession instantly? No, I know that's not realistic.

But so far I'm just not making progress because I'm having difficulty blaming my OCD. I need to get my mind on other things to get over the obsession, but my mind is telling me in so many words, "No! You still need to resolve this! Because what if this isn't just OCD talking? What if you are spiritually dead and need to do more studying, searching, praying? If you stop obsessing this will never get resolved!" Therefore, I'm stuck in the mud. Is it going to take a leap of faith and simply trusting that all my struggles are OCD related and hope I am in God's hands? Is it that I just don't yet understand OCD very well yet? I am very confused, very anxious, very afraid and very sad.

I would again appreciate any support from those who understand this illness a little better. And of course I would appreciate prayers.

 

[Daphnelover]

I'm so happy you posted. I've been worried about you. I would send you a PM here, but I don't think I have enough points.

I understand what you're saying. It feels like a cop out, blaming your OCD. I still feel like I should be able to be confident if I try hard enough, not that it's ever worked. I would really like to know what your therapist is recommending. Would you mind sharing it with just me? There's no way I will debunk it, but maybe it would help me, too?

You are the first person I've met like me, even in the OCD world. There is a facebook group for people with religious OCD. I think my struggle is different, but maybe someone there could help? Search scrupulosity religious ocd if you're interested.

I'm sorry I have no real advice for you. All I can say is that I understand and hope and pray that we both find our way.. it sounds like you found an understanding therapist at least.

 

[Leet]

Praise and worship will be the most beneficial to you IMHO.

 

[Davidabear]

What you are describing is the fight of faith. A couple of books i suggest. When the darkness will not lift, and morning and evening by C H. spurgeon

 

[theniceiceman]

I get like this too. I just wrote in another post, it's basically like I'm doubting my doubts. I don't know my own motives and my own feelings. I don't even know myself. I've told my mom several times lately that this is so HARD. It's mentally and emotionally exhausting and draining. Everything I do 'religion-wise', it's like I have to force myself. None of it really comes easy. I tell her, Jesus said that his yoke was easy and his burden was light; it doesn't feel that way for us.

It literally shocks me how some people are so normal. Like, there's some scary Bible verses, let's not deny that. I read them and my heart starts beating faster and I feel terrified. My dad reads it, shrugs, and says, 'Well, that can't possibly mean what it sounds like it means' and moves on. My mom's the same way. My friends are the same way. They're literally not affected in the least by those verses, and I'm sitting here like, 'HOW DOES THIS NOT SCARE YOU?'

I never know what's a compulsion or not. When I think about praying for other people, is it because I want to, or because the OCD tells me I should? What about just normal prayers? What about listening to worship songs?

It's all so, so hard, that's for sure. Just hang in there!

 

[blartz]

What you are describing is the fight of faith.

This comment struck me as very simple, yet profound. I believe you're essentially saying not to worry, that if I had no faith I wouldn't even be in a fight.

 

[blartz]

I don't know my own motives and my own feelings. I don't even know myself.

I say this all the time. What motivates me really concerns me, and I'm obsessed about it. My pastor has told me that I shouldn't worry over this, because nobody really knows all the things that motivates them to obedience.

I've told my mom several times lately that this is so HARD. It's mentally and emotionally exhausting and draining. Everything I do 'religion-wise', it's like I have to force myself. None of it really comes easy. I tell her, Jesus said that his yoke was easy and his burden was light; it doesn't feel that way for us.

I've thought the same thing. I've thought that since the burden isn't light, well then there must be something wrong with me. Then comes all the gloomy thoughts I'm so accustomed to these days.

It literally shocks me how some people are so normal.

I know we probably shouldn't compare ourselves to others, but I can relate to this thought as well. For me, it's how easily other people "just believe." I've been told that many times throughout this: "You just have to believe!" And I think to myself: Yes, I know, that's the point, that's exactly what I'm struggling to do. "Just believe" turns into: "Okay, well, I think I might believe. I have doubts though. Oh no! I have doubts! That might mean I don't believe! Doesn't it? Am I really believing or just trying to get myself out of hell? Do I have any love? Do I have any evidence of the Holy Spirit?" and on and on it goes.

It's all so, so hard, that's for sure. Just hang in there!

This is by far the most difficult trial I've faced in my life. Thank you for the support and encouragement.

 

[Davidabear]

A great prayer is "Jesus, i beleieve, please help my unbelief." Wrestle with God like Jacob. Its just hard right now, but i fully believe that you are on the right track. Many Christians go through this.