Difficulties

[sparkle123]

i posted a thread here earlier about my marriage. We have been married a little over a year and are having a lot of problems. I need to talk about it. When we got married neither were Christian. I was practicing Buddhism but felt unfulfilled. Our marriage was not in a church or a courthouse but is legal. We talked about not wanting children and shortly after marriage he made an appointment for vasectomy. I felt fine with it at the time because I didn't want children at 29. I had been a left of liberal feminist with a lot of issues with men and gender so that is the standard line.. Sure you see where this is going.

I had a vivid dream after the vasectomy that my child had been stolen from me. I recounted it to my therapist who suggested I was not perhaps so settled on the child issue. In the space of our first year of marriage I found fulfilling work, the foundations of my "feminism" and politics crumbled, I travelled abroad to experience a Buddhist culture and came back home to Christianity, the conversion process I am in, church going, and an increasing feeling that life might not be the same without kids...

My husband has not changed with me. I am turning 31. He says he needs time to possibly want children, that I have no right to extract promises from him given that I've broken mine and that I've deceived him, and while I understand that... I don't know.. None of this was intentional. I am a different person than I was when we married, and it's happened fast. I was in the process of change when we met, I'd never forgotten the God I grew up with, and I worry he probably just thinks this is symptomatic of my craziness (i have a history of MH issues) and doesn't consider that this is real for me no matter how many times I say it. I've apologized so much and I feel so lost. I don't want to divorce, but I don't know how this can work. I feel utterly depressed thinking of a childless life, even though I'm sure children would be incredibly hard. Maybe I could be ok without though? I don't know. Maybe things will change and I can learn to accept our marriage and him as he is. I don't have much hope for him coming around to me. I really don't want to lose this marriage but the road to preserving it is very hard to see right now.

 

[Hank77]

You made an agreement and your husband trusted you. What do you believe is the moral thing to do?

 

[sparkle123]

...it feels wrong not to be open to children. And I am contemplating my declining fertility and feeling deeply regretful of the life choices that got me here, in a situation where it looks like I will never have a family that includes kids. I just hope I can feel ok with it someday and not depressed. And perhaps it is selfish of me, but this is how I feel, I am not so spiritually advanced as I'd like to be... When I look at it all it does seem the just outcome of a life lived largely for myself. The promise of marriage is bigger then my current feelings or conversion, that is what i understand. I don't know what the right thing to do is though and that's the whole point of my post. Like how to get over it, how to come to terms with my past and my present, or how choosing childlessness fits with a Godly Christian life -- I don't know the answer and can't see it. Just staying is what I am doing but it doesn't change how awful it feels or the tension in my marriage over our fundamental difference in what kind of life we want. Then I just end up beating myself up for being unhappy because it must mean I'm truly selfish, letting my feelings mean so much. thinking about it has me feeling a really dark sadness coming. Praying about it.

 

[ValleyGal]

Why not take a look at other options? I mean, the ministry is always looking for foster parents. Or perhaps you could become a "big sister" to someone who has no mom or an absent mom. These kinds of options may help satisfy the mothering instinct without having to change the arrangement between you and your husband.

As for the spiritual part of your marriage, what would happen if the two of you talked about a spiritual journey together? He may be interested in seeking a spiritual path, too, and doing it together would enable you to grow together rather than separately on such an important issue.

 

[mkgal1]

how choosing childlessness fits with a Godly Christian life

That's your main question.....right? So.....it sounds as if you're being influenced by others since you previously agreed with your husband on being child-free. Am I right? "Being open to children" isn't for every person (nor do I see that specified in the Bible as a mandate for married couples). If beliefs of your church (I'm assuming that's where that's coming from) are getting between you and your hubby, I'd seriously consider taking a step back to reflect. I'm of the belief that God wouldn't want for our church or faith to come between us and our spouses (unless our spouses are into some toxic beliefs of their own. In that case.....it would be the toxicity that's coming between the couple).

There is a book that may allow you and your hubby to find some common ground (maybe you could read it together and do a sort of book study---if that's your sort of thing). It's called: 8 Habits of Love: Overcome Fear and Transform Your Life

http://www.amazon.com/Habits-Love-O...8&qid=1438470757&sr=1-1&keywords=rev+ed+bacon

Loving God shouldn't cause us to have a divisive attitude---it should be an inclusive attitude that draws people together.

 

[mkgal1]

Here's an article for you, Sparkle:

http://www.crosswalk.com/blogs/chri...ld-free-by-choice-for-the-kingdom-of-god.html

 

[sparkle123]

Valleygal - Thanks for the suggestions. BBBS has always been interesting to me. I have also considered that my work might be an outlet for me to feel like I'm not pursuing a solely selfish lifestyle. (work in mental health) Unfortunately my husband was not brought up religious and he is not interested in exploring Christianity. Overall he isn't as interested in a spiritual path as much as I am, but he isn't uninterested either... it's just not as big a deal for him.

mkgal1 - Thank you for asking the question you did. I was at some point open to child free life. I do worry that the end of life will be sad without having raised children, but maybe I wouldn't regret it? You did pick up on what's underneath all of this, though. The biggest problem is feeling like children are a mandate for marriage. I am not a member of a church yet, I have only been attending different ones and trying to make the decision. The two churches I was most interested in clearly include an openness to children in the definition of marriage. I can't help but feel I would be a pariah if my situation were known, but already I recognize myself as the odd one out as a single woman in churches full of families. I don't want to change church tradition, but I can't help but feel how I do. I don't know how either church would look on my marriage but I know it is very far from the ideal.

Thank you for the book suggestion -- I ordered it today. We frequently read together, so looking forward to it! I also thank you for the essay. Even if he did get a reversal on the vasectomy, we are still very poor, working on fixing up our first house (in a gentrifying neighborhood, so it needs tons of work), I am coming off disability payments and only working part time. By the time we are stable and ready I likely wont be fertile anymore. He had to point this out to me... I think I will step away from the Catholic church/forgo the RCIA (also, Orthodox) while I try to figure this out. Thanks again for your kindness.

 

[LinkH]

My wife was 36 when we had our last baby (so far). Some women have children at 40+. You still have some time for him to come around. I wouldn't hound your husband about it if I were you.

I Peter 3 offers some good advice for winning husbands who do not obey the word. It's possible he can be won over by your lifestyle. Right now, he's probably shocked by the change, but as God's grace works in you, he may see that having a godly Christian wife is so much better than having an ultra-left-wing feminist Buddhist wife, and it might make him curious about what changed you.

As far as the child issue goes, that's something you can pray about. There is such a thing as a vasectomy reversal operation. That's something to pray about rather than pester him about, and see if the Lord would change his heart. There is also adoption if he changes his mind down the road.

 

[faroukfarouk]

Sparkle123: Hi there; my wife and I don't have kids, either; if at an earlier stage of our lives the Lord had brought us together, then kids would have been great, but there is a sense in which God strengthens us to move forward from the stage at which we are now, and this can involves many profitable activities and roles, in any case, by His grace.

On another thread you were describing some other regrets and again the suggestion was put that one moves forward from now onwards rather than re-living the past, so to speak.

God bless you guys.

 

[sdmsanjose]

Sparkle
First, I do not see any scriptures that talk about divorce when the husband has complied with your combined decision to not have children. Why have you mentioned divorce? Is he an abuser, an adulterer, or has he abandoned you? Forgive me if I am way off track here but are you looking for a way to divorce your husband? Are you thinking about divorce because your husband agreed to do what you both agreed to do?

You may have to live with the full consequences of your previous decision and not have children from your husband but that does not have to be a life of misery. As ValleyGal has stated you have options.

You come to terms with your past and your present by accepting God’s words that you can be forgiven and in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight. Maybe you do not need to be forgiven for anything but your posts seem to lean in the direction that you feel guilty about something.

Hanna and Sarah were childless but God changed that. God can change your husband if he is receptive. Joseph raised a child that was not his own so your husband could accept a child that is not of his seed. I know that child was Jesus and am not talking about having a perfect child I am talking about your husband raising a child that is not from his seed and that is acceptable to God.

Stop beating yourself up because you made some wrong choice in the past. God is great at taking a person that has made wrong choices and then guiding them to a good life. Of course your part is to trust and obey God, just like that simple song we sang in Sunday School. If your Sparkle is a little dim right now remember that you can sparkle again!

 

[arabianhorselover]

First of all, you probably still have plenty of time to have children if that is what you decide to do. Putting pressure on him about it will only make things worse.