Difficult time controlling sexual arousal (little TMI)

[ElectricBlueBauble]

I'm a firm believer. My boyfriend is, too. We are waiting for marriage (should we decide we are meant to be married) before sexual contact.

We've officially only been a couple since Valentine's Day (9 days ago).

I had a total hysterectomy and both ovaries removed due to problems with them in November. So, I am in menopause and seemed to have gone through the hot flashes and other issues already, which included rather uncomfortable dryness in that region. But suddenly since spending time with him my arousal is ridiculously heightened. I'm need to start using panty liners.

I'm having a difficult time figuring out what to do, how to address the problem. I consider it a problem because we aren't doing anything more than an occasional hug, hand-holding, and the like. But after he leaves my home I still can't calm down my urges. I don't know if this is a temporary thing as my nerves in the area have been "activated" and since they were possibly damaged mildly from the surgery maybe this resurgence is temporary - or maybe I just haven't been in a relationship for so long (let alone one which is as pure as it is) that I no longer have the ability to manage this like most others do?

I am continuing to pray that God calms this part of me down, because I won't have sex until I marry. I've been down that path a few times before and it always felt wrong - this - this relationship feels perfectly God-sent. I'm in awe with this man, that God sent to me. I won't mess it up by getting physical before marriage. But my dilemma lies in the self-gratification area.

We all know that lust is sin. Until tonight I've not had fantasies pop into my head, or flashes of sexual acts with him, but this continued arousal issue started well before tonight. So it has now mildly progressed into a few brief flashes in my mind as I sat down to my computer after he left. I certainly don't want to perpetuate the lust that is starting to form, because I firmly believe he was meant to be my husband. I have self-gratified all my post-pubescent life. I didn't come to Christ until 2007 or 2008 but it continued past that date. But this is the first relationship I've had in 10 years. I'm 33 years old, and now in menopause.

I guess I'm just asking for guidance and discussion on the moral dilemma I'm now facing.

Not that it matters - but I've grown in my ability to NOT lust while self-gratifying. So, my question is - does God see that as sin even though no lust is involved? If so, how we we know? Which scripture reveals that?

Honestly, I'm trying to get a handle on the arousal issue because I can't spend time every night trying to resolve it, that itself seems unhealthy.

 

[BoLeVi]

It is sin to have boyfriend.

 

[Brotherly Spirit]

Little can be done about thoughts that surface, I wouldn't worry too much about it. What you can do is as you've done is recognize it. Then you can have a conscious effort to put your mind elsewhere, continue doing so praying to God in all forms available to you. Whether it's kneeling to talk, sitting to read the Bible, or go somewhere off-line or on-line for fellowship.

I can't say with certainty if masturbation without lust is a sin. But my experience has been it's better not to flirt with temptation. It's easier to have sexual boundaries when we're clear about it, not having reasons and excuses. Even if you don't lust during it, which is the sin; was it what lead you to do it or as a result cause you to feel the need to ask?

 

[HereIStand]

It sounds like your boyfriend has a nice Christian lady. If lustful thoughts occur, try to focus your attention elsewhere -- walking, reading, listening to music, or other diversions. God bless.

 

[Theodoric]

I don't know of a verse I can give you that speaks directly to the subject. The Bible speaks about purity in general and specifically to the thought life, but it sounds to me as though you're already on that track.

If this is a "sin", it's a sin with a lower case 's'. That is to say, in the general category of "things we all do while becoming transformed into the image of God". Don't obsess over it, but don't beat yourself up about something you're going to wind up doing anyway.

God forgives, and He knows your heart in this matter.

I would caution you to try to control your thought life more so than any physical urges which are largely chemical in nature.

 

[essentialsaltes]

I can't see why it would be wrong to desire your boyfriend, and to desire him sexually. Quite the opposite.

 

[ElectricBlueBauble]

... I can't say with certainty if masturbation without lust is a sin. But my experience has been it's better not to flirt with temptation. It's easier to have sexual boundaries when we're clear about it, not having reasons and excuses. Even if you don't lust during it, which is the sin; was it what lead you to do it or as a result cause you to feel the need to ask?

So far, the brief moments of lustful imagery I worked hard to ignore only happened after my aroused state had been active, and only after he left. I fell asleep last night praying for help on the matter. So, last night was successful.

It's been so long since I've been in a relationship - and add in my new resolve to "do things the right way" I'm having a tough time with how to handle my own body's response. I have no problem waiting for marriage, I want that. Mentally, that's no problem. And even if things got "hot and heavy" I would still not allow it prior to marriage. I know that. I just don't know how to handle the times when I'm alone.

Hes open to talking about his own struggle with it but I am concerned that if I openly talk about the struggle that it may make him have more of a struggle with it, if that makes sense. We all know that talking about something puts it in the forefront of our minds, so, by that reasoning I want to avoid talking about it with him. I would love to discuss it with him, but I'm not sure that's the right thing to do. I'd love to pray together about this, but the last thing I want to do is cause him to lust.

 

[Brotherly Spirit]

So far, the brief moments of lustful imagery I worked hard to ignore only happened after my aroused state had been active, and only after he left. I fell asleep last night praying for help on the matter. So, last night was successful.

It's been so long since I've been in a relationship - and add in my new resolve to "do things the right way" I'm having a tough time with how to handle my own body's response. I have no problem waiting for marriage, I want that. Mentally, that's no problem. And even if things got "hot and heavy" I would still not allow it prior to marriage. I know that. I just don't know how to handle the times when I'm alone.

Hes open to talking about his own struggle with it but I am concerned that if I openly talk about the struggle that it may make him have more of a struggle with it, if that makes sense. We all know that talking about something puts it in the forefront of our minds, so, by that reasoning I want to avoid talking about it with him. I would love to discuss it with him, but I'm not sure that's the right thing to do. I'd love to pray together about this, but the last thing I want to do is cause him to lust.

It's only a matter of finding something else to occupy your time. A busy mind full of other thoughts is difficult to distract, same with a busy body doing something else. Problematic behavior is reinforced by habit and it's true for productive behavior too.

Actually I think talking about it would be similar to prayer. It's when we confess to God we're able to let it out and not have it weigh us down inside. Just a manner of how you approach it as you would praying, there's a genuine need for it and not to be done in vain. If you do the same talking with him, y'all can help each other when needed.

 

[Nithavela]

Your strong reaction may be a result of hormonal imbalance. You might wish to talk with your gynecologist about it. Perhaps some supplements can help you.

Other than that, masturbation might relieve some of the pressure. The question of "is masturbation a sin" is quite debated even among christians. Maybe talk to your pastor about this or research the subject online and see which feels right to you.

 

[ElectricBlueBauble]

... Actually I think talking about it would be similar to prayer. It's when we confess to God we're able to let it out and not have it weigh us down inside. Just a manner of how you approach it as you would praying, there's a genuine need for it and not to be done in vain. If you do the same talking with him, y'all can help each other when needed.

I did talk with him today about this, but in relation to his own potential health problems. He has a minimally or non-functional pituitary gland and has basically zero testosterone as a result. He told me about a week ago that he was considering going back on the med but was scared of going through "puberty" because it would cause that same kind of hormonal rush, or so he believed. I told him I was here for him and I recognize his concern. Today I told him that if he was overcome from any of the potential side effects (we had been speaking in regards to sexual urges, mostly) to call me, no matter the day or night and I'd just talk to him, I could read to him, or sing to him, anything just to help calm him down. Today he told me he took the shot Tuesday morning. So far, no issues, but anything's possible as each weekly shot continues on. I reassured him that I am here for him, that we will get through it all, together. And I told him that I would love to be able to be open and honest about everything, no matter what it is, as it helps to build strong trust and love in the relationship. And it's true, I'm not one to play mind games, and if I'm going to have him as my husband in the future, I want that kind of complete honesty. But I may be in the minority on that.

Your strong reaction may be a result of hormonal imbalance. You might wish to talk with your gynecologist about it. Perhaps some supplements can help you.

Other than that, masturbation might relieve some of the pressure. The question of "is masturbation a sin" is quite debated even among christians. Maybe talk to your pastor about this or research the subject online and see which feels right to you.

I just had my hormones and many other blood tests done about a month ago and all results are within normal limits (especially the reproductive hormones as they are in the appropriate "menopause" stage according to the lab references.

I don't attend a local church.

I have researched this subject but it is rare to find any information where the three subjects are separate (arousal, lust, masturbation). For me, there is a definite difference between my arousal because of lust, versus my arousal without it. Different not in the sense of intensity of desire but in the simple fact that the majority of the time I don't lust - unless I've been "on high alert" for many hours. I'm quite surprised by my brain's ability to separate the two, to be honest.

 

[devolved]

Honestly, I'm trying to get a handle on the arousal issue because I can't spend time every night trying to resolve it, that itself seems unhealthy.

Generally, sexual arousal is natural response to various signals that are interpreted a potential signals by your brain. These are reflexive, and generally we use our consciousness to keep these in check.

The very reason why sex is pleasurable is because that "arousal" is triggered as an "itch" that would either require one to ignore it, or "scratch it" on one way or another. So, the alleviation of that "itch" is a part of what contributes to the pleasure of that experience.

The problem with that is that you don't really want that "itch", if it's over-triggered by your body/psyche makeup, to control the rest of your experience as a human being. Sex is an important part of our being, but relative to everything else that we do, it is a minor part of our overall human activity.

So, my advice would be to do the same thing I did when I was younger... if you do set these boundaries for yourself... make sure to take care of that "itch" prior to a date. If you don't, then it will amplify and your reflexes will take over and will overpower your conscious decision to follow certain boundaries.

Secondly, if you are aware that your condition is such, you have to really be careful about choosing a partner in life. If your partner is hyposexual, then you may have severe problems down the road. Many marriages break down because one of the partners in a constant state of "unsatisfied sexual frustration".

Likewise, I would keep that matter out from a pastor. It's not the job of a pastor to advice on these matters. Pastors today are trained theologians that are raised in an environment where sex is a taboo hence they tend to avoid the subject like wildfire... so it's highly unlikely you will find a good advice on how to deal with your situation there. If you do want help beyond random opinions in the forum, then seek out a professional counselor that actually trained to think about those things and how to deal with them.

 

[ElectricBlueBauble]

Generally, sexual arousal is natural response to various signals that are interpreted a potential signals by your brain. These are reflexive, and generally we use our consciousness to keep these in check.

The very reason why sex is pleasurable is because that "arousal" is triggered as an "itch" that would either require one to ignore it, or "scratch it" on one way or another. So, the alleviation of that "itch" is a part of what contributes to the pleasure of that experience.

The problem with that is that you don't really want that "itch", if it's over-triggered by your body/psyche makeup, to control the rest of your experience as a human being. Sex is an important part of our being, but relative to everything else that we do, it is a minor part of our overall human activity.

So, my advice would be to do the same thing I did when I was younger... if you do set these boundaries for yourself... make sure to take care of that "itch" prior to a date. If you don't, then it will amplify and your reflexes will take over and will overpower your conscious decision to follow certain boundaries.

Secondly, if you are aware that your condition is such, you have to really be careful about choosing a partner in life. If your partner is hyposexual, then you may have severe problems down the road. Many marriages break down because one of the partners in a constant state of "unsatisfied sexual frustration".

Likewise, I would keep that matter out from a pastor. It's not the job of a pastor to advice on these matters. Pastors today are trained theologians that are raised in an environment where sex is a taboo hence they tend to avoid the subject like wildfire... so it's highly unlikely you will find a good advice on how to deal with your situation there. If you do want help beyond random opinions in the forum, then seek out a professional counselor that actually trained to think about those things and how to deal with them.

He is hyposexual, he told me. I don't have a problem with that, IF he is okay with me "scratching my own itch from time to time" so that is something we will need to discuss further. With him starting back on the testosterone, anything can happen. If he continues it throughout the rest of his life, he could very well be nearly on-par with my own levels. And right now my body is still getting used to menopause, so I could be less "itchy" in a year or so simply because the hormones have settled into what they will be.

I'm betting that the reasons I'm experiencing this are #1 I'm in a new relationship after many years of having nobody to focus on, and #2 the hormonal difference is still new (it's only been 3.5 months since surgery).

Thank you, devolved. I appreciate your input.

 

[Kylie]

If you've only been together since Valentine's day, then you're probably still experiencing NRE - New Relationship Energy. It can be hard to think clearly about a relationship while that is going on. From what you said in the post above this one, you seem to have a pretty good idea what's going on, so my advice is to wait.

 

[ElectricBlueBauble]

If you've only been together since Valentine's day, then you're probably still experiencing NRE - New Relationship Energy. It can be hard to think clearly about a relationship while that is going on. From what you said in the post above this one, you seem to have a pretty good idea what's going on, so my advice is to wait.

Thank you, Kylie. I think that's probably what this is, for the most part.

 

[Dave-W]

He is hyposexual, he told me. I don't have a problem with that, IF he is okay with me "scratching my own itch from time to time" so that is something we will need to discuss further.

Until you are married, that decision is entirely your own.

And you are waaayyy too early in the relationship to be talking marriage.

With him starting back on the testosterone, anything can happen.

True. He may have his own "itch" to scratch.

 

[Dave-W]

If you've only been together since Valentine's day, then you're probably still experiencing NRE - New Relationship Energy. It can be hard to think clearly about a relationship while that is going on

Very true. Good point.

 

[ElectricBlueBauble]

Until you are married, that decision is entirely your own.

And you are waaayyy too early in the relationship to be talking marriage.

True. He may have his own "itch" to scratch.

We aren't talking about marriage as in - we will get married - but instead in the general sense that if we find that we are compatible enough, marriage is a possibility.

 

[Dave-W]

We aren't talking about marriage as in - we will get married - but instead in the general sense that if we find that we are compatible enough, marriage is a possibility.

OK - that is understandable.

In that case it is not really any of his business whether you scratch your itch or not. At least not YET.

 

[ElectricBlueBauble]

OK - that is understandable.

In that case it is not really any of his business whether you scratch your itch or not. At least not YET.

Very good point. Thank you.

 

[Dave-W]

Not that it matters - but I've grown in my ability to NOT lust while self-gratifying. So, my question is - does God see that as sin even though no lust is involved? If so, how we we know? Which scripture reveals that?

I do not believe so.

Song of Solomon 5 v 2-5 gives a poetic picture of Shulamite self-gratifying. And she is called "undefiled."

2 “I was asleep but my heart was awake. [a dream or fantasy]
A voice! My beloved was knocking:
‘Open to me, my sister, my darling,
My dove, my perfect** one! [** KJV, ASV, WEB: undefiled]
For my head is drenched with dew,
My locks with the damp of the night.’
3 “I have taken off my dress,
How can I put it on again?
I have washed my feet,
How can I dirty them again?
4 “My beloved extended his hand through the opening, [lit: put his hand by the hole]
And my feelings were aroused for him.
5 “I arose to open to my beloved;
And my hands dripped with myrrh, [symbolic of female wetness]
And my fingers with liquid myrrh,
On the handles of the bolt.
​

What was the "hole?" The word for "hole" is used for either a snake den or a body cavity elsewhere in the OT.

And why did having his hand there arouse her? 2 chapters earlier this happened:

Song of Solomon 2:6 (NET)
“His left hand caresses my head, and his right hand stimulates me.”
​

She was dreaming or fantasizing of him doing that to her again.