Differing housework standards

[LovebirdsFlying]

I did an awful lot of house cleaning today. More than I actually thought I was capable of. I even got down on the floor and scooted underneath the computer desk to sweep with a brush where I couldn't reach with the vacuum cleaner. Mind you, I have mild mobility problems. I can't just sit down on the floor and get back up again. To accomplish this, I sat on the couch, slid forward on to the floor, and rolled (can't crawl because of knees) across the room to the computer desk. After I brushed that pile of dirt to where the vacuum cleaner could reach it, I reversed the process, rolling back across to where I could use the couch to pull myself up.

That was in addition to washing, drying, and putting away two loads of laundry, organizing our bedroom closet, gathering up extra sheets and blankets for my sister who's having a power outage due to weather, and the daily routine cooking and cleaning the kitchen. I'm sore all over. Church tomorrow is canceled because of the weather, which is why I went ahead and did all this. Otherwise I would have been in too much pain to go.

Hubby's not home yet. As a bus driver, he might be running late. All of the routes are behind schedule tonight. Of course when he's home, my first thought will be, I'm glad he's safe. I've been praying for him, his co-workers, and his passengers all day.

Second thought will be, I'd love to hear him say, "The house looks great!" But he probably won't. He barely notices these things. Not that he's a slob. He isn't. Not that he doesn't appreciate what I do. He does. But the difference between "great" and "meh" just isn't on his radar. As long as there are no dirty dishes in the sink (that is his pet peeve) the rest just doesn't make much difference.

Do you ever find that one of you is more predisposed to housekeeping than the other is, and/or that the other doesn't even really notice whether it's done well or not?

 

[Paidiske]

Do you ever find that one of you is more predisposed to housekeeping than the other is, and/or that the other doesn't even really notice whether it's done well or not?

A source of endless frustration in our household, too.

 

[snoochface]

All the time. My husband is okay with meh. Most of the time I'm okay with meh-plus-a-smidge, but once in a while I go all out and give the house (or, more realistically, part of the house) a really good deep clean and organization. Sometimes he notices, but more often than not he is oblivious to it.

I make a habit to point it out to him in a big, good-natured, hint-hint kind of way. He'll then stop and take a good look around and.... sometimes says something like, "You moved that picture?" which is completely not the case and makes us laugh at his obliviousness. Most of the time, though, he'll get it, and take notice, and I get the "Nice job, you did a lot of work!" I was hoping to hear.

 

[LovebirdsFlying]

When he got home last night, first I heard about his day, then I told him everything I did. This got a casual, "Looks good." I semi-jokingly answered that I was going for "great," but he said it won't be "great" until we get the carpet cleaned.

Not sure he realizes how much work was involved, even though I told him about the rolling under the desk thing.

I should be grateful (and I am) that this is different from my first two marriages. (The first having left me for another woman, and the second now passed away.) Both men were outright slobs. Neither one thought anything about making a big giant mess where I had just cleaned up. But while my abusive first husband expected and demanded that I clean up after him, and then always found fault with what I did, my second husband didn't care if I never lifted a finger. I don't know which situation was worse. Both resulted in me doing endless housework that kept getting undone. I don't have that problem now. Things just gradually revert to clutter if I don't keep up with it, but I think that's natural.

 

[mama2one]

would label house lived-in
we did have company lately, however, so we did the "company's coming pick-up"

 

[LovebirdsFlying]

"Who's coming over?" Heehee.

My late second husband, that was exactly his thinking. He believed the only reason anybody ever did housework was because they were expecting company. I'm not talking about "Wow, looks like a professional designer's been here." I'm talking about the "meh." I mean basic things like taking out the garbage, washing laundry and dishes, and putting things back when you're done using them. We never had visitors. He figured, if we're the only ones who ever see the mess, why bother cleaning it up? It just didn't penetrate his mind that most people clean because *they* want it clean, not because they're trying to impress other people. He was convinced that people who keep things tidied up and put away on a regular basis must have OCD or something.

I can think of a bunch of reasons to keep the house clean besides making it look good. Vacuuming regularly makes the carpet last longer, because dirt and grime corrodes the fibers. Spills and stains get harder to remove the longer they're allowed to sit. Not putting things back in a designated place means it will get lost or broken, costing time and energy to look for it, or money to replace it. Money is also wasted buying something you thought you were out of, but it turns out you had six of them in your cluttered, unorganized pantry. There they all are, right behind those potatoes and onions that are still in the bags but have gone bad because you forgot they were there. And don't you get some type of demerit or reprimand at work if you show up in wrinkled clothes that were sitting in the laundry basket for a week after you took them out of the dryer? But you didn't have time to iron anything, because by the time you even found it, you were running late for your job.

Yeah, all of that is more important than "ooh, pretty." But when I speak up about housework, most people tend to think I'm just complaining because of how it looks.

 

[Paidiske]

For me it's much more about making the household routine work. Being able to find things in the pantry, clean, dry (ironed if necessary) clothes for school/work, being able to enjoy the spaces I relax in because I don't have to move piles of clutter to sit on the couch...

Unfortunately, my other half (while he has many gifts and strengths) is quite possibly the least routine-driven person that I know. Which has a lot to do with why I've resorted to paying for a cleaner once a fortnight. It's not just what the cleaner does, but it's the enforced tidying etc before he gets here!

 

[LovebirdsFlying]

My loving hubby is driven by routine (oh boy, is he!) and he does do the chores, but he tends to do them halfway. You can tell which one of us did the laundry by whether the clothes are hung neatly on the hangers, or whether they're just tossed on haphazardly. No sense pointing out the difference, because even if you put it side by side, he's not going to see it.

And that's not about making the closet look pretty. That's about the clothes not being wrinkled when you go to put them on. Similarly, my half of the closet has the clothes separated by category. Pants, skirts, dresses, sweaters, shirts. That's to make it easier for me to find. If I know what's where, I can go right to it, and don't have to dig. His half, well, as long as it's on a hanger and in the closet, then it's put away.

Our cat likes for the bed to be made. If I make it, the bedding is lying smooth, flat, and even. (That could be my nurse's aide training, perhaps.) If he makes it, the fitted sheet might not be all the way down on the corners of the mattress. The blanket may be dragging the floor on one side, at say a 30 degree angle to the mattress rather than straight. Again, he doesn't see it. Even if I went in there later and re-made the bed myself, he wouldn't notice anything different.

I can thank God that I have a husband who is at least willing to do the chores, even if they're not always done to the standards I like.

 

[Paidiske]

Yes, I live with my own version of this!

 

[Saricharity]

I'm kinda new to the married life still, but so far, most of the household cleaning falls on me. I'm okay with that. I am home more often than he is and often I'm working from home so it's easier for me to do laundry or vacuum a room. Being that it's just the two of us and an animal or two, it's not difficult to keep the place tidy. Growing up, I was used to a busy household with a lot more clutter so keeping our home tidy and clean is easy peasy.
Weekends look a little different and hubby pitches in with bathroom cleaning and laundry chores. Honestly, it only takes me a few hours each week to keep the house clean and tidy. Decluttering just isn't an issue yet but I imagine in the future it might.
Outside chores...car maintenance and yard stuff falls on my husband and he is glad to take on that responsibility. I love flowers and outside decoration so I do that...and this year, I am hoping to plant a veggie garden as well (Well, a salad garden mostly...nothing like fresh garden veggies in the summer)

I know my mom employed a cleaner now and then when she felt like she couldn't dig out of the mess so I'm open to that in the future...especially as children join the family and we gain more mess and clutter.

 

[Paidiske]

For me the tipping point with the cleaner was when I was working more than half time. When you've only got one day off a week, who wants to spend it mopping and scrubbing?

 

[LovebirdsFlying]

There are five adults living in this house. Me, my husband, my nephew, my daughter, and her boyfriend. Nephew's in his 20's, daughter and bf in their 30's. Fortunately my daughter does as good a job as any hired cleaner. The men in the house are "meh" in the case of hubby and daughter's bf, "poor" in the case of my nephew. They will do chores, but they have to be specifically asked to. They won't simply see something that needs to be done, and do it. The day I was rolling around on the living room floor to reach under the computer desk, both of the younger men were in their rooms watching TV or playing video games.

Then when they are asked, they figure oh well, it doesn't have to be right now. As long as it's done some time today or tomorrow or next week, that's OK. Insist on doing it now, and I'm being unreasonable. My nephew has gotten a lot better lately, but he's had a problem with having to be reminded again and again, daily, and not just by me, to do the one chore we ask of him. That's taking out the garbage. Instead of taking care of it as soon as he sees that the trash can is full, he figures he'll get to it some time. He might wait until 11:00 PM or so, and meanwhile it's overflowing and in the way as we try to work in the kitchen. He has to be told to do it. And then he feels nagged.

"Whose coat is this on the couch? Who left the half empty glass of milk on the table? Did you leave that food in the sink drain?" This is not a conversation I should need to have repeatedly with adults. That's the unfortunate aspect of it. Everybody seems to have a mindset of "That's not my mess, and I'm not going to clean it up." So guess who gets stuck doing it? And before you say, "Well, as long as they know you're going to do it, there's no reason for them to...." If I didn't, this place would be a dump tomorrow.

 

[Paidiske]

That doesn't sound fair, LBF. Is it time for a household meeting?

 

[LovebirdsFlying]

Another one?

We had one a couple of weeks ago. There was some progress from it, in that we all decided we need to make a dump run, went through the house, collected 10 30-gallon bags full of worthless clutter, and took it to the dump. I am functioning so much better now. It's easier to be organized if there isn't so much to keep track of, and it's faster to wipe down a surface if you don't have to move twenty or thirty things off of it first.

We could need another meeting soon. I do think they should happen regularly, to keep everybody on the same page. Complicating matters: Everybody in this household, possible exception of daughter's bf, has PTSD. Call a family meeting, and what they hear is, "You're in big trouble now, and I'm about to lower the boom on you."

 

[LovebirdsFlying]

^^New in town, was living in Boston last year, no place to go. As "wrong" as it may be for them to be living together, it feels even wronger to turn him out. This city has a major homelessness problem, and there's a horrible blizzard out now. He just got a driving job at the same transit center my husband drives for, and now they're saving to get their own place so they can tie the knot and be together.

 

[Deidre32]

My husband cleans the cars, inside and out, empties the garbage, puts it out for the garbage collectors, and does the grocery shopping. (he thinks I overspend) I vacuum, do the laundry and dishes, and then we tend to split everything else evenly, but it's not like we keep track. We just do whatever needs to be done, when we see it. He is obsessed with making the bed, whereas, I couldn't care less lol