Differing beliefs...

[MomentsOfGrace]

Hi all,

I'm currently in a long term relationship with another Christian, and we're very much in love. However, we do have a few conflicts of faith, of varying degrees of importance, which neither of us feel we can back down on.

I've had a brief look at some of the other threads on the board, and it seems that people generally advise finding someone with the same beliefs as you.

My question is what you think someone should do, having fallen in love with someone whose beliefs do not entirely correspond.

 

[bliz]

It depends on what the issues are. If you disagree on who Jesus is and His role in salvation, that's a big difference you cannot ignore.

If you disagree on what beverage should be used in communion and how often it should be offered, that's not such an important matter.

What kind of things ae the two of you clashing over?

 

[MrsSeptemberPenguin]

It really depends on how important the differences are to you. Are they things you could live with? Are they they things that are going to cause major problems in your marriage? God doesn't want you unequally yolked, but doesn't expect you to agree on everything either.

 

[whatdoesitmatter]

Quite simple. you can either change your beliefs or changes hers, or find a new...........gf?

 

[cardfan1]

First off, pray about it. There is nothing the Lord can't handle.

I am currently in a similar situation. I am engaged to a wonderful woman I love very much. Over the last couple of years we have had many disagreements and arguments over Christian beliefs. (baptism, church denomination, doctrinal beliefs, etc.) Most of this came because she did not know Christ early in the relationship, but through MUCH prayer and talking with her, and showing her passages in the bible that support what I was trying to share with her, she has grown into a wonderful young christian woman. And looking back, I have grown alot too, and learned a lot from her.

We still don't have every little detail worked out, but we agree on one main thing: that you need Jesus Christ as your personal Lord and Saviour. It is the most important decision anyone will ever make - including your significant other. And it is very important both the man and the woman agree that they need to grow in Christ together.

Also, we are both somewhat stubborn people, and it provided some difficulty. Along the way, I have had to swallow some pride, I had to go to churches i didn't neccesarily agree with to show her I was willing to work with her, but I never compromised my faith and salvation in Jesus. If I did not agree with a particular church or doctrine, i would tell her and backed it up in Scripture.

You need to realize that neither one of you are perfect and neither one has all the answers. if you disagree on some doctrinal issue, i would sit down with her and search the issue in the bible. But if your disagreements are more like one of you thinks their shouldn't be a guitar on stage and the other thinks that's fine, i wouldn't worry about it too much. The main thing is that you give the glory to God, and that you both agree on the fundamental Christian gospel - salvation through Christ and Christ alone.

God bless!

 

[tessas212]

Hi all,

I'm currently in a long term relationship with another Christian, and we're very much in love. However, we do have a few conflicts of faith, of varying degrees of importance, which neither of us feel we can back down on.

I've had a brief look at some of the other threads on the board, and it seems that people generally advise finding someone with the same beliefs as you.

My question is what you think someone should do, having fallen in love with someone whose beliefs do not entirely correspond.

I disagree. I find it disgusting that we now live in a world where even two people that love each other cannot get past differences of opinions and beliefs. My current boyfriend and I struggle a bit with this as well. I'm more down to earth in my beliefs, more practical, where as he is very open to new outrageous ideas that I can't bring myself to believe. This did tear us apart once, but we are learning slowly how to deal with these differences of belief. We'll always love each other, it is only a matter of learning how to be open minded and caring and accepting of other thoughts and opinions that are not your own.

So for that thought that you should be iwth someone that thinks and believes just like you, garbage!! If you love him, and he loves you, it just takes effort to slowly learn to be patient and open minded. Heck, I think everyone could do a lot better job of that open mindedness idea even outside of couple relationships, but in relationships with everyone in everyday life.

 

[-Kyriaki-]

I'd stick with it. My fiance and I had differing beliefs earlier in our relationship - I'm very into trinitarian based theology, and he had been brought up in a pentecostal version of the Arian heresy (Jesus is not God, there is no Trinity, the Holy Spirit is purely the power of God not a person of the Trinity etc etc) and we stuck with it, and eventually we both came to see the other person's point of view and he realised his error.

So stick with it, discuss things without debating, find out if what you disagree on is really that drastically important. If you both believe the basic tenets of the Nicene Creed, then the rest is details - details that need working out, but not reason for the dissolving of a relationship! If you dont both hold to the Nicene Creed then life gets a little more interesting, but I'd advise to continue with it regardless, see how it goes. If it's not meant to be it will become more apparent as time goes on.

 

[whatdoesitmatter]

actually, u need similar beliefs in order to be able to really bond. unless u just wanna superficial relationship where u just stick to simple matters. but life isnt simple. in times of crisis, it could be ur shared beliefs that gets u thru together. ive seen how friends desert u in such times, not just coz they werent true friends or lacked loyalty or were uncaring, but coz they didnt share ur heart (i.e. beliefs), and u were in a whole different world as far as they were concerned. and i dont mean just similar experiences either (tho they can contribute to ur beliefs).

and where there are differing beliefs, it always means that one or the other has wrong ones. we all like to think ours arent wrong, but the truth of the matter is that some of them, or many of them, are. truth is not relative. God knows what's right in every situation, and He wants us to find out. we were wrong when we didnt believe in God, and we're wrong about certain things even now. (of course in some cases both parties may be wrong.)

and within a relationship, when one is right and the other is wrong, then its their business to find out which belief is right and not just go on as if "this one's right for me and that one's right for you" is OK. Whether that means conflict or not, if u really cared about not just ur relationship but having the truth itself, whether for u or the other person, then u gotta deal with that. for most ppl that often leads to conflict, coz there's lack of respect, spiritual understanding etc. its ur choice what kind of relationship u choose to be in, whether u stick with one with differing beliefs or not, but i think the bottom line is that u must care about the matter either way. and deal with it within or outside of the relationship (that is, if you wanna have one).

its hard to have a truly deep and lasting connection even with friends who believe differently (in the end), so how harder is it to have with someone closer than that. If you read Paul's writings, you see him always encouraging all the believers to be united in mind and spirit and that isnt apart from their beliefs (or else why did he go thru the trouble of teaching them and correcting them so much?). "how can two walk together unless they be agreed?" and its fine to agree to disagree, as seems to be a favourite here, when things are relatively good, but when heartache and trouble come you'll see thats its hard to walk together then. you'll see that it does matter very much.

if you believe something thats wrong, you're believing a lie. how can you, as one who claims to care about your brother/sister, not care that they believe a lie and say that thats OK? or how can you not care if you yourself believe a lie? which is what you do by saying that it's OK if what we believe is different.

which goes back to what i said eariler. you can either struggle and work thru ur beliefs to achieve greater unity of mind, or ditch that person and find one who's as enlightened or blind as u. depends on how much u beileve that beliefs are important in the end, doesnt it? everything, incl. how you accept my comment, depends on what u believe, doesnt it. u live according to what u believe, so how can u live well with someone else who believes and therefore lives differently (wants to take different paths from you in certain situations...). Its like being tied to someone in a three-legged race, who insists on going left when you're meant to go straight. if u've ever tried it, u'll know the difference in speed, comfort, etc, depending on your partner. u can survive with one that's out of step with you, of course, but the difference is b/ween having either a good or bad relationship in life.

 

[whatdoesitmatter]

First off, pray about it. There is nothing the Lord can't handle.

I am currently in a similar situation. I am engaged to a wonderful woman I love very much. Over the last couple of years we have had many disagreements and arguments over Christian beliefs. (baptism, church denomination, doctrinal beliefs, etc.) Most of this came because she did not know Christ early in the relationship, but through MUCH prayer and talking with her, and showing her passages in the bible that support what I was trying to share with her, she has grown into a wonderful young christian woman. And looking back, I have grown alot too, and learned a lot from her.

We still don't have every little detail worked out, but we agree on one main thing: that you need Jesus Christ as your personal Lord and Saviour. It is the most important decision anyone will ever make - including your significant other. And it is very important both the man and the woman agree that they need to grow in Christ together.

Also, we are both somewhat stubborn people, and it provided some difficulty. Along the way, I have had to swallow some pride, I had to go to churches i didn't neccesarily agree with to show her I was willing to work with her, but I never compromised my faith and salvation in Jesus. If I did not agree with a particular church or doctrine, i would tell her and backed it up in Scripture.

You need to realize that neither one of you are perfect and neither one has all the answers. if you disagree on some doctrinal issue, i would sit down with her and search the issue in the bible. But if your disagreements are more like one of you thinks their shouldn't be a guitar on stage and the other thinks that's fine, i wouldn't worry about it too much. The main thing is that you give the glory to God, and that you both agree on the fundamental Christian gospel - salvation through Christ and Christ alone.

God bless!

thats good if you can keep working thru ur different beliefs like that, but it doesnt happen easily with many and many give up on it coz its difficult (not necessarily on the relationship but on achieving that unity, which leads to problems in the relationship so in the end its the same thing).

also, many are married to their doctrine and u'll find that divorce will be very hard. unless they're totally willing to listen (in a state where they're truly OPEN and not just looking like they're willing "yes, I'll hear you but I already know what I believe and I doubt you can teach me"), u'll find the whole thing just a mental exercise (resulting in headaches) instead of a real growing spiritual experience.

as many lack spiritual revelations and attempt to arrive at truths thru brain wrestling, it's usually one so-called logical argument up against another (just look at some of the debates, like egarding salvation), both (or more) sides backed by scripture, which doesnt achieve nethin. many ppl are willing to debate till they drop but few are willing (and able) to receive spiritual revelations from God regarding esp. controversial subjects. which leads to difficulties for ppl within or outside of relationships trying to achieve unity in whatever way and i feel sorry for them.

ppl say they listen to each other but i dont think they really do most of the times. but do u see the way many accept what their pastors (or some bible teachers) tell them? its coz they accept their higher spiritual position (taking that for granted), tho they may be a wolf in disguise. but in other words, there's an openness that comes from respect. when one is unwilling to believe what you do, despite having little knowledge themselves, that shows that they dont really think much of your spiritual experience and understanding, and there's little respect there. you wont get very far with such ppl, and the best you can do is leave them to their wish to build with the help of idiots.

hm I'll stop here as there's prob no point in sayin all this. just felt like it.

 

[tessas212]

actually, u need similar beliefs in order to be able to really bond. unless u just wanna superficial relationship where u just stick to simple matters. but life isnt simple. in times of crisis, it could be ur shared beliefs that gets u thru together. ive seen how friends desert u in such times, not just coz they werent true friends or lacked loyalty or were uncaring, but coz they didnt share ur heart (i.e. beliefs), and u were in a whole different world as far as they were concerned. and i dont mean just similar experiences either (tho they can contribute to ur beliefs).

and where there are differing beliefs, it always means that one or the other has wrong ones. we all like to think ours arent wrong, but the truth of the matter is that some of them, or many of them, are. truth is not relative. God knows what's right in every situation, and He wants us to find out. we were wrong when we didnt believe in God, and we're wrong about certain things even now. (of course in some cases both parties may be wrong.)

and within a relationship, when one is right and the other is wrong, then its their business to find out which belief is right and not just go on as if "this one's right for me and that one's right for you" is OK. Whether that means conflict or not, if u really cared about not just ur relationship but having the truth itself, whether for u or the other person, then u gotta deal with that. for most ppl that often leads to conflict, coz there's lack of respect, spiritual understanding etc. its ur choice what kind of relationship u choose to be in, whether u stick with one with differing beliefs or not, but i think the bottom line is that u must care about the matter either way. and deal with it within or outside of the relationship (that is, if you wanna have one).

its hard to have a truly deep and lasting connection even with friends who believe differently (in the end), so how harder is it to have with someone closer than that. If you read Paul's writings, you see him always encouraging all the believers to be united in mind and spirit and that isnt apart from their beliefs (or else why did he go thru the trouble of teaching them and correcting them so much?). "how can two walk together unless they be agreed?" and its fine to agree to disagree, as seems to be a favourite here, when things are relatively good, but when heartache and trouble come you'll see thats its hard to walk together then. you'll see that it does matter very much.

if you believe something thats wrong, you're believing a lie. how can you, as one who claims to care about your brother/sister, not care that they believe a lie and say that thats OK? or how can you not care if you yourself believe a lie? which is what you do by saying that it's OK if what we believe is different.

which goes back to what i said eariler. you can either struggle and work thru ur beliefs to achieve greater unity of mind, or ditch that person and find one who's as enlightened or blind as u. depends on how much u beileve that beliefs are important in the end, doesnt it? everything, incl. how you accept my comment, depends on what u believe, doesnt it. u live according to what u believe, so how can u live well with someone else who believes and therefore lives differently (wants to take different paths from you in certain situations...). Its like being tied to someone in a three-legged race, who insists on going left when you're meant to go straight. if u've ever tried it, u'll know the difference in speed, comfort, etc, depending on your partner. u can survive with one that's out of step with you, of course, but the difference is b/ween having either a good or bad relationship in life.

*Replying to the bolded

Why must it mean one always has the wrong ones? Why is one always wrong, and why is it I assume that you believe it is the one that do not hold your own? What if both beliefs/opinions have truth to them? Whatever happened to a world of open mindedness, compromising and learning from each other?

"But if you walk the footsteps of a stranger, you'll learn things you never knew you never knew."

We can all and all are wrong. None of us know it all. We're always learning. A believe in God does not make one always right. It does not make every thought and every belief that has to do with God right. We all are our own persons with our own experiences and we'll all learn our own lessons from that.

"I've learned that two people can look at the same thing and see something totally different."

What is so wrong about letting another person be different than you, yet still love them? Why do some in this world see that as a bad thing? Why can't a person be their own person, and not just like you, for you to love and form a relationship with them?

Its a matter of state of mind. Do you think you are right and everyone else around you is always wrong? Or are you willing to admit that you can be wrong as well, and learn to love and care about another individual that doesn't look or think like you. We have a lot to learn from people that think differently. I personally will try to avoid making the mistake of surrounding myself with only people that think like myself. What a boring and closed minded world I would live in if I did. We're always learning from each other, and just like when searching for answers, you never look at just ONE side of the issue or your newly formed opinion will be biased and possibly incorrect. YOu need to look at both sides, and to do this you must be willing to share your life with others that are not like you. They have a lot to teach you, and possibly you a lot to teach them.

And with that, I will end it with a quote I do believe has a large impact in my own relationship with my boyfriend of differing beliefs at times:

"Let me never fall into the vulgar mistake of dreaming that I am persecuted whenever I am contradicted." -Ralph Waldo Emerson

 

[MomentsOfGrace]

Thank you all so much for your responses, they've been for the most past very encouraging, and if not encouraging then well-considered. I should have specified that we both hold to the Nicene Creed, so we have a solid core of shared belief, and we're just now sorting through the extras.

Since my original post my girlfriend and I have had a fairly lengthy discussion about the areas we see as possible problems: I'm now aware of some more differences that she feels are important, but more encouragingly, we've found that we can accommodate some of our different beliefs, and we're praying about those which seem as though they might become problems later on.

Thanks for all your advice! God bless.

 

[whatdoesitmatter]

*Replying to the bolded

Why must it mean one always has the wrong ones?

Why is one always wrong, and why is it I assume that you believe it is the one that do not hold your own?

What if both beliefs/opinions have truth to them?

"Let me never fall into the vulgar mistake of dreaming that I am persecuted whenever I am contradicted." -Ralph Waldo Emerson

1.I never said always, but meant usually.

2. becoz who believes in something that they think is wrong?! you believe it coz u think it's right. ppl believe what they believe is right, which implies they believe the other is wrong, just by them believing what they believe, which the other doesnt. even if u can say at least that u might be. if ur meaning me, i never said that IM never wrong. (hm, if one user sees this, i do believe they'll believe i used the word too many times.)

3. I did say that both parties may be wrong. plz read carefully.

4. vulgar... yes, well, u may not be being persecuted but the truth is. (or may be, as u prefer, but in most cases it is, where it's either/or. such as, u say that abortion is right or wrong, tho there's the third posssibility to some that it's neither - which really makes it OK, therefore right - or it all depends on each situation).

so whether its u or the other that's wrong, in relation to one of u at least, when ur contradicted the TRUTH is persecuted.

as for the rest of what u said, im sure they'll seem very nice to someone.

 

[whatdoesitmatter]

Thank you all so much for your responses, they've been for the most past very encouraging, and if not encouraging then well-considered. I should have specified that we both hold to the Nicene Creed, so we have a solid core of shared belief, and we're just now sorting through the extras.

Since my original post my girlfriend and I have had a fairly lengthy discussion about the areas we see as possible problems: I'm now aware of some more differences that she feels are important, but more encouragingly, we've found that we can accommodate some of our different beliefs, and we're praying about those which seem as though they might become problems later on.

Thanks for all your advice! God bless.

Creed... well its a start. the most basic. id say that alone (tho u might have some others) aint enuf, as ive seen some big clashes arising from differing beliefs in "smaller issues", but if u think its good.

not to discourage you. do your best.