Different Denominations and Dating

[dbUNIT16]

I am almost 23, and I have been dating my girlfriend for about a year and a half. We both are Christian and go to church, however, she recently wanted to start going to church together, and I agreed.

She is Evangelical, and I am Lutheran Evangelical. They sound similar, but to me, couldn't be more different...

I agreed to visit a new church with her a few weekends ago that she feels God has told her she belongs at. I was very uncomfortable, and almost felt as though I was sinning by being there. I prayed that God might give me an open mind throughout the experience.

I felt uncomfortable, as I am from a small, more conservative and structured Lutheran church. I walked in to a rock band playing and people dancing. After about 20 minutes the church leader (not sure when they call them there, as it is a "bible church") emerged with his wife. She had clearly had plastic surgery on her face, and they were very flashy... not my style. Then the first thing that comes out is praying for people's sinuses. I was very disturbed. For me church is a place to be humble and pray for those in need. We are blessed, and praying for a sinus infection in church just seems silly to me, rather than the starving people around the world.

The sermon was okay, about will power, and faith in God, but the whole thing seemed very materialistic. Wanted to build a stadium for the congregation, armani suits, plastic surgery and flashy jewelry.

So last night she asked me if I would be going to church this morning, and I told her that it was very hard for me to be there, and pretty much express what I just said. I told her I had been praying since I last went to the church with her. She told me that she had prayed and this was the church "God wants her at". We pretty much agreed to disagree. She is unwilling to compromise on her church, I can compromise, but that church is to far out for me, i need something more in the middle.

We both feel very strongly about our beliefs and are stubborn. We had a little debate, and I told her I needed to leave to get some air. As i didn't want to start a holy war with her and thought it'd be better if I just left, as there was no apparent solution in sight.

We have been talking about getting married in a year or two, but this prevents a challenge. I told her that it'd be ridiculous to be married and not go to church together, and that I didn't see an easy solution.

I really am not sure what to do. I love her so much, we are both Christian, but apparently have different beliefs regarding church and "healing" and "speaking in tongues".

I'd appreciate any feedback, experiences of advice... I'm kind of stuck, which is unusual for me, I'm a problem-solver, but don't see an answer here.

Thanks!

 

[RobinRedbreast]

You are in what we around here call an "unevenly-yoked relationship". Unlike an unequally yoked relationship where one partner is Christian and the other is not, in an unevenly yoked situation both partners are Christian but have severely different religious beliefs (and as we all know, the religious beliefs within the large world of Christianity can vary to huge degrees).

I recommend checking out the Unequally/Unevenly Yoked section of the Marriage Ministry forum here to read some stories on what people go through in that situation.

Basically, I'll boil it down for you and you can take it for what it's worth:

- You won't change religious practices for her, and that's fair. You shouldn't have to.
- She won't change religious practices for you, and that's also fair. She shouldn't have to.
- Either you both accept each other's differences and live happily ever after, or you should up and end it now, because you cannot marry each other expecting that the other will change. You have to be 100% in acceptance of each other and the situation exactly how things are now.

There are many compromises to be had if you want to go to church together. One week you could go to her church, one week she could go to yours, or you could both go to both churches every weekend by just going to offset services that don't overlap each other.

Or, you could both go to your individual churches, and that's just how it will be.

At the end of the day, if these aren't compromises you are willing to make, and the whole "go to MY church" (or at the very least, "I won't go to YOUR church") thing is really huge? You've got to start looking at parting ways, because this isn't just going to "go away"

Typically, for me, that kind of a solution isn't even an option. I don't understand why religious beliefs are so huge that two people of -differing- beliefs actually need to split up just because of it. But, having been on CF for 5 years, I do understand on some level that other people do have beliefs that are that strong and/or that strict that they cannot compromise for a differing belief system. If that is truly the case, then you shouldn't have been dating someone with a different denomination in the first place, I don't know how you got to the "talking about marriage" phase without ever having addressed this issue.

For me, DH isn't even a practicing Christian. *shrugs* No big deal, to each his/her own. Everyone's different. But there are people who wouldn't even consider that an option in a partner, and again to each his/her own: however, the people who do care about it significantly need to consider that about their potential girlfriend or boyfriend, ie: consider it before dating even begins, not by the time the marriage talk comes around

Regardless, here you are now, at a cross roads. There are only two options: Accept it, or don't. And from those two options, you have an additional two options: Compromise, or split. Because a relationship will not survive without compromise, especially if it's on an iissue strongly important to both parties.

 

[unkern]

Here is the perfect book for you both to read "Pagan Christianity" read it together it will show you so much

 

[Atlantians]

I am almost 23, and I have been dating my girlfriend for about a year and a half. We both are Christian and go to church, however, she recently wanted to start going to church together, and I agreed.

She is Evangelical, and I am Lutheran Evangelical. They sound similar, but to me, couldn't be more different...

I agreed to visit a new church with her a few weekends ago that she feels God has told her she belongs at. I was very uncomfortable, and almost felt as though I was sinning by being there. I prayed that God might give me an open mind throughout the experience.

I felt uncomfortable, as I am from a small, more conservative and structured Lutheran church. I walked in to a rock band playing and people dancing. After about 20 minutes the church leader (not sure when they call them there, as it is a "bible church") emerged with his wife. She had clearly had plastic surgery on her face, and they were very flashy... not my style. Then the first thing that comes out is praying for people's sinuses. I was very disturbed. For me church is a place to be humble and pray for those in need. We are blessed, and praying for a sinus infection in church just seems silly to me, rather than the starving people around the world.

The sermon was okay, about will power, and faith in God, but the whole thing seemed very materialistic. Wanted to build a stadium for the congregation, armani suits, plastic surgery and flashy jewelry.

So last night she asked me if I would be going to church this morning, and I told her that it was very hard for me to be there, and pretty much express what I just said. I told her I had been praying since I last went to the church with her. She told me that she had prayed and this was the church "God wants her at". We pretty much agreed to disagree. She is unwilling to compromise on her church, I can compromise, but that church is to far out for me, i need something more in the middle.

We both feel very strongly about our beliefs and are stubborn. We had a little debate, and I told her I needed to leave to get some air. As i didn't want to start a holy war with her and thought it'd be better if I just left, as there was no apparent solution in sight.

We have been talking about getting married in a year or two, but this prevents a challenge. I told her that it'd be ridiculous to be married and not go to church together, and that I didn't see an easy solution.

I really am not sure what to do. I love her so much, we are both Christian, but apparently have different beliefs regarding church and "healing" and "speaking in tongues".

I'd appreciate any feedback, experiences of advice... I'm kind of stuck, which is unusual for me, I'm a problem-solver, but don't see an answer here.

Thanks!

It is not "the church God wants her at".
It is the Church "she wants to be at".

Being at the Church we want to be a part of is not a bad thing.
But trying to say that its God's will when it clearly isn't, is a redflag and wrong.

I would caution you to be careful and wise.

What you perceived about that Church was accurate.

 

[E.C.]

I have seen similar scenarios. There are a few married couples in my parish where one person is Orthodox and the other is either Roman Catholic or Protestant.

There are some times when one person will 'see the light' so to say and join the other's Church.

It may seem near impossible, but there are ways to make it work. For example, the husband was Roman Catholic and the wife was Orthodox. On Sundays they would go to the Roman Catholic mass at 7:30 and afterward would go to the Orthodox Divine Liturgy at 10. They did that for years until eventually one 'saw the light' and joined the spouse's Church.

This is one method that worked. Do what you can.

 

[deCarlos]

I've been in exactly the same situation. I am a Presbyterian, and am happiest in traditional church services (and also happy in Anglican or Catholic churches). My ex-girlfriend was a baptist, but with very evangelical/charismatic/"bible church" leanings. A rock band seemed to be an essential part of church for her.

We tried going to the same church, but it didn't work. I didn't like her type of church, she didn't like mine.

I also felt like she was judging me because I was less "spiritual" than her, and had less belief in "healing" or "speaking in tongues". I felt like she disrespected my faith because she mocked the religious traditions which my family and community have kept for hundreds of years. To her, if it was more than a couple of years old, it wasn't worth keeping.

We broke up after 3 years together, mainly because of this issue. I hate to say it, but I don't think your relationship is going to work either.

I've since started dating a girl who is not a Christian, but she loves me and respects me enough to come to church with me when I go, and she respects my faith. In my experience, I'd rather be unequally yoked (with a non-Christian) than unevenly yoked (with a Christian of a different denomination). It's incredible that I often find non-Christians to be more respectful of my religion than other Christians!

Peace be with you.

 

[E.C.]

I've since started dating a girl who is not a Christian, but she loves me and respects me enough to come to church with me when I go, and she respects my faith. In my experience, I'd rather be unequally yoked (with a non-Christian) than unevenly yoked (with a Christian of a different denomination). It's incredible that I often find non-Christians to be more respectful of my religion than other Christians!

Peace be with you.

I hear you there.

To most Protestants and Roman Catholics, we Orthodox are seen as "popeless Roman Catholics" and sometimes treated with the same disdain as our Roman counterparts by both Roman Catholics and Protestants alike.

Yet, once in a while I will be blessed with running into a neo-pagan, Atheist or any other non-Christian folk where when we start talking religion they show respect and sometimes a quasi-interest.

 

[Sketcher]

You visited her church, has she visited yours? Is she open to that? If not, that's unfair.

 

[joanna1]

On the one hand, I think i you are really happy with her otherwise, it would be silly to start thinking of putting the relationship in jeapordy over this question.

On the other... the whole "it's where God wants me" speech sounds quite self-deceiving and dare I say, even a bit manipulative. She's cornering you into agreeing to go to her church, implying that things can't really work out unless you come as well...and that's blackmail. Not really a godly characteristic: it's hardly a situation that has "God's will" written all over it, if you ask me.

Maybe ask her calmy "and what would you say if God asked me to go to a different church?" and see how she reacts.

 

[AetheriusLamia]

I'd say go -- and take her -- to your local Catholic church (the best kind!), and remain friends with her. Sounds like something's not right, though, from your description. Looks like a red flag to me, though.

At the very worst, if she's not cool with you going to a different church and holding to your beliefs that that congregation is screwy (which it sounds like), then it seems your marriage wasn't meant to be.

 

[jdorsey]

First of all, God is supposed to be number one in your life. I think we can all agree on that. So no matter who goes where, if you aren't both actively seeking His will on where you need to be, there's a problem.
Secondly, the Bible is very clear about being unequally yoked. And if youtwo don't believe in the same thing, God says no.
And third, do you plan on having children? I am married and one of the things you talk about in pre-marital counseling is how you will raise your children. Will your son go to her church or yours? What if you want to teach his Sunday school? Any church-related events will be stressful, because it will never be unified among your family.
It's better to seek God and make a wise decision now. This is a preview of what is yet to come. Compromising isn't easy and it doesn't just get easier. One or both of you will always resent the other for being stubborn about your own wants.

 

[Trashionista]

It's hard enough just finding someone who is truly compatible, so I don't understand why one would make it more difficult for themselves and demand they must be a member of this or that denomination, personally...

 

[Parian]

I agree with Quirk.






Believe in God, follow His Word, that's it.
Denominations, in my own honest opinion, segregate God's children for the worse.
It's already an incredible blessing for you to have a significant other who also worships the same God.

 

[Corri]

My dilemna as well.

 

[Slider1]

Ok, a year and a half seems like an awfully long relationship to just end over the 'feeling' of being called to different churches. Its obviously not God's call for the two of you to be together and go to separate churches. So it either means one of you is NOT called to go to one of those churches, or that you are NOT called to be together. Seeing that you have spent a year and a half building this relationship though, I would pray long and hard about what the answer is. Don't let self-righteous biases get in the way ("Lord I know its not Your will for us to go to her church"), but just come to God humbly and earnestly, and you will find the answer. Also have you thought about both finding a different church yet? like, one that is maybe halfway between the rock band and the traditional?
Personally, I go to a "rock-band-church" myself, and I've seen God move powerfully through that kind of worship and church culture. Unbelievers are more easily and quickly drawn to God when they can relate to the music, at least by style if not by lyrics and meanings. Please do not discount my answer because I told you this

 

[waxlion10]

To me, this sounds like more than an attempt to bridge two denominations.

There were some things about her church that, if you have described them accurately and objectively, seem (to me) to indicate a lack of humility and correct focus, on the church's part.

While you won't be able to change her mind, and she won't be able to change yours, you can BOTH attempt to try out different churches together. You didn't like hers? OK. Now it's her turn to try yours. If she refuses to do so, you have a bigger issue on your hands than worshiping in different denominations, imo.

My fiance and I have some different beliefs and are comfortable in different worship settings, but we are OPEN to what the other thinks and feels and is ok with... not selfishly insistent that it's our way or the highway. I don't really know you or your gf, so I don't know what your relationship is like, but imo, a married couple should attend church together because the spiritual foundation for a marriage is very important (at least to me it is, and it sounds like it would be to you, too).

 

[Mrs. Luther073082]

I think the two of you should have been going to church together a lot sooner than after you'd been dating for almost two years. Not trying to offend, but just being honest. Maybe the two of you can get counseling and try to work out a compromise.

 

[the_box_of_giggles]

While- right now I don't think that differing churches is a problem- in your current relationship.

And even if you two get married- i do not see it as being a huge problem- as long as you don't have children.

But if you two want kids then it could become a huge problem.

 

[Slider1]

I'm sorry, but I can't believe that God would call a couple to be married to each other and attend different churches. "the two shall become one flesh"
wouldn't it be God's will for "one flesh" to attend the same church?

this 'flashy materialistic church'...might it have just shocked you because it is different from what you are used to? God can STILL WORK MIGHTILY in a 'flashy materialistic church" that has all the latest gizmos, gadgets, powerpoint screens, amplifiers, keyboards, drums, and guitars....
EVERY church is imperfect. People are not perfect, so as soon as there are people attending a church, it becomes imperfect. I have attended churches which have made me downright uncomfortable, and I have had to remind myself that they are still CHURCH. Defined as :the children of God, forming a bond of unity by coming together to worship God corporately and learn about Him together.
Sure, it wasn't my favorite expression of worship, and the sermon was dry like bran flakes with no milk and raisins, but it is still CHURCH.

Did the people or leadership at this church worship their 'stuff'? "before I start my sermon I'd like everyone to see the new gold rolex watch that I have bought with your tithes...yes, lets give my watch a round of applause" ...We live in north america. Materialism is so entrenched in our culture we have a hard time escaping it to some degree, and often the 'purists' who have TRULY escaped it, become so caught up in their own self-righteousness "thank God we didn't fall into the trap of materialism...we must be something special" that they miss the point and over-correct in the other side. Sure, the canoe at this church might be tipping more towards the side of "stuff" than you're used to, but if they're not worshiping their stuff, I really wouldn't worry about it.

you mentioned something about your denomination and hundreds of years of tradition... if you ask me, this sounds "religious" and not neccessarily "holy"...

If you're really looking for bare-bones-church/christianity, go back to when Jesus was discipling the 12 apostles to build the church and spread his name around the world. Something I'm reminded of is when paul said "I will be all things to all men that by all means I might save some" ...to the poor we need to be humble, caring, and generous...to the punk kid wearing crazy clothes we need to remember what it was like when we were young and looking for basic love, attention, and something good in this world. To the affluent businessman we need to be successful in what we do, honest, hard-working, and intelligent. Sure, I might not be a millionaire myself, but if I want to invite a millionaire to my church, I'm not going to befriend/impress him if I am not at least honest, hard working, gutsy, and intelligent.

I'd say, give her church a second chance. don't discount it right away as the wrong choice.

 

[Luther073082]

Honestly buddy I'm a Lutheran and thats why I decided that I wouldn't date someone who wasn't either a Lutheran or willing to become a Lutheran.

The doctrines of many evangelical churchs are not anything I accept.

I do not advise comprimising your beliefs on this.