Did I do the wrong thing?

[truthhurts]

I found out that my brother-in-law was sleeping with a few different women and I told my sister. I felt it was the right thing to do since I know for a fact that he's cheated before they married-I even caught him in the act one time. He cheats so close to home too that I was concerned something horrible would happen to my sister- she's already been confronted by an angry husband who accused my sister's husband of sleeping w/ his wife. Over the yrs I have discussed this w/him & he has expressed his love for my sister...begged me not to tell & I honestly did think he would stop when they got married so I was shocked to find out that not only is he still doing it..it seems like he's stepped it up! He & I did have a close brother sister relationship & my family adores him. Although there have been many accusations of his cheating over the years my sister thinks he's just a flirt. When I told her I said...I would not judge her, I would not discuss w. anyone else in the family..the info was hers to do something about it or not...it was up to her. Well needless to say said she didn't believe it...she went right to him w/the info & he denied it of course....she has cut me off...they have shared it with my family & now I'm the outcast. My grandmother says I was wrong for saying anything even if it is true...it was none of my business and the bible even says to stay out of married people's business. It was a tough decision & at this point I wish I'd never said anything but I don't see why it was wrong to tell my sister. I wasn't telling her to leave him or passing judgement. I felt like how could I look my sister in the eye knowing something & not say anything. Everyone is mad at me. Was I wrong????

 

[Dislike]

AHH FALLING WALL OF TEXT.

But yeah, you did the right thing. Honesty is never wrong. I reccomend getting pictures of him in the act.

 

[chipmunk]

You did the right thing. One day perhaps she will learn the truth and she will remember you'd tried to tell her and she wouldn't believe. Evidence is what she needs to see. Some women unfortunately go through life with blinders if that makes dealing with unpleasantries all better. You can't make them see what they refuse to already. It's sad, but it is, what it is.

If they are mad at you they are as psycho as my family(no offense meant, I dearly love my family even through their eccentricites). When did preserving family happiness become covering up thier lies and indescretions? Not suggesting we bring the world our problems, but we should at least acknowledge they are problems amongst ourselves. Sorry, I have very similar family situations and it just makes my blood curdle at their willingness to wipe it all under the table. We do indeed kill the bringer of bad news.

 

[Spinrad]

I suppose it was the right thing. Or maybe not.

 

[Ryal Kane]

I think you did the right thing. It's unfortunate but not surprising that she chose to reject your truth for his (or more accurately her) fiction.
I'd say do what you can to keep the lines of communication open with her and let her know you support her no matter what. In time she may come to realize the truth.

 

[MJ421]

The problem here doesn't lie with you, but your sister. I would also recommend getting pictures, or some sort of concrete evidence. If for no other reason than to prove you weren't lying.

 

[Moros]

Your sister sounds like an ingrate.

 

[Gracchus]

You did the right thing. He is putting your sister's health and life at risk. She would not have reacted so negatively if she did not know, on some level, that what you reported was correct. That's what humans do.

 

[Jacob4Jesus]

You did the right thing. He is putting your sister's health and life at risk. She would not have reacted so negatively if she did not know, on some level, that what you reported was correct. That's what humans do.

That was what I was going to say. She probably knows that you are telling the truth deeper inside, and that is why she rejected you. I know that sounds weird, but it's fairly common for people to do that. They don't always WANT to know the truth if it can interfere with their ideal realities.

But I think you did the right thing. Unfortunately, doing the right thing doesn't always guarantee people reacting in the right way.

 

[DrummerWench]

If he is sleeping around, she's at risk for more than betrayal. She's at risk for assorted STDs and a surprise stepchild. I think you did the right thing.

DW

 

[Harlan Norris]

I found out that my brother-in-law was sleeping with a few different women and I told my sister. I felt it was the right thing to do since I know for a fact that he's cheated before they married-I even caught him in the act one time. He cheats so close to home too that I was concerned something horrible would happen to my sister- she's already been confronted by an angry husband who accused my sister's husband of sleeping w/ his wife. Over the yrs I have discussed this w/him & he has expressed his love for my sister...begged me not to tell & I honestly did think he would stop when they got married so I was shocked to find out that not only is he still doing it..it seems like he's stepped it up! He & I did have a close brother sister relationship & my family adores him. Although there have been many accusations of his cheating over the years my sister thinks he's just a flirt. When I told her I said...I would not judge her, I would not discuss w. anyone else in the family..the info was hers to do something about it or not...it was up to her. Well needless to say said she didn't believe it...she went right to him w/the info & he denied it of course....she has cut me off...they have shared it with my family & now I'm the outcast. My grandmother says I was wrong for saying anything even if it is true...it was none of my business and the bible even says to stay out of married people's business. It was a tough decision & at this point I wish I'd never said anything but I don't see why it was wrong to tell my sister. I wasn't telling her to leave him or passing judgement. I felt like how could I look my sister in the eye knowing something & not say anything. Everyone is mad at me. Was I wrong????

Tough call. Frankly I'd say that it's likely she already knew.It's her life and her marriage.I have to say stay out of it.

 

[gwenmead]

It's a tough call to know how to handle a situation like the one you described. But I certainly don't think your telling was wrong at all. If it were my sister, I probably would have told her too. Not from a desire to interfere with her marriage, but because I don't want to see my sister, whom I love and adore dearly, get screwed over by some selfish spouse who won't keep his marriage vows. (I have no sympathy whatsoever for chronic cheating.)

What's wrong is the conspiracy of silence and rejection that your family has created in order to hide what's happening, so that your BIL can go about his merry way doing exactly what (and who) he pleases.

At this point, at least you know that your sister now has the information she likely needs to figure out what to do with her marriage. It's up to her how to handle it now, even if her way of handling it is to ignore it. And any of a number of things could happen. If she comes up in future with a surprise stepchild (and the accompanying child support payments her spouse would likely have to make) or an STD, she can't say she wasn't warned.

On the other hand, it's very possible she'll open her eyes someday too. As others have mentioned here, she probably already knows and just doesn't want to admit it to herself. Having been through a divorce myself, I know that it's extremely difficult to admit that your marriage is a failure - probably even more so if you have children together. I know I spent a long time pretending everything was okay before I was able to gather enough strength to admit it wasn't. Maybe just give her some time, and let her know you love and support her whatever she wants to do.

I'd be tempted to ask your grandma what the Bible says about adultery. Then I'd be tempted to ask her what the Bible says about sitting around and lying so that an adulterous spouse can keep at it. I'd also be tempted to ask her exactly what Bible verse says "Thou shalt stay out of married peoples' business."

But that's just me.

In any case, no. You didn't do anything wrong.

 

[truthhurts]

Thanks for your response. It was comforting..smiles. The whole thing has been a mess bc my sister & I are very close.We're twins. I've never gone this long without talking to her & it hurts that she seems to be able to cut me loose so easily. I'd never do anything to intentionally hurt her...God knows my heart and my intention. I was curious about other people's opinions bc my grandmother seems so adament saying ask anyone...& especially someone that has lived long enough & they will tell you...you were wrong. She is also of the belief though...brush it under the rug, keep it quiet...carry the burden.

 

[morningstar2651]

I wouldn't exactly say you did the wrong thing, but it would have been wiser to let her discover it for herself.

 

[Talyn]

I think it's right to tell someone that you care about, if their partner is cheating on them. But if it's an aquaintence, someone you're on friendly terms with but don't "hang out" with all the time, then you leave it alone.

 

[koolist]

I think you did the right thing. It is never really any good to keep secrets and at some point it was going to come out. I would think of it as at least you told her when you did. had you have left it longer or waited till someone else said something it could have been a heck of a lot worse!!

I hope things work out and you and your family are in my prayers.

God bless

Koolist

 

[Kroger99]

You did the right thing, but the ball is in her court now. If she stays with this loser, it is her bad judgement...Not Yours.

I would back out of it now and only speak up to defend yourself. You did your part in exposing this bum. Good Job!

 

[NothingButTheBlood]

This is a tough situation. I am sorry you all are going through it. My brother and sister-in-law went through something like this. My brother stayed with me while he and his wife were separated. He was sure she cheated on him but, she would not admit it. Without a lot of detail I will just say there was a way for him to be for certain and he chose not to check it. I told them both I loved them and that they had children and should concider carefully what to do. He chose to work it out and we ( the whole family) supported them both. There marraige is stronger for it. Your sister knew before she married him he cheated and probably knows he was still. She was chose in to ignore it and you burst her bubble. You have two choices at this point. Tell her your sorry and let her have her world or tell her you love her too much to watch her go through this and step out of the way. I had a friend I suspected was being beat up by her boyfriend. I confronted her and she said I was wrong. I told her I knew I was right and would not encourage the relationship. I would not go to her home and he was not welcome in mine. I kept in touch with her but would not build up that match. When she ran from him she come to my house for shelter. It may have strained us bit but in the long run it strengthen our bond. I don't envy you at all in this. I will pray for you and hope things turn out well for you and your sister.

 

[butterfoot]

Its hard when you see something such as this going on. My first wife cheated on me and my friends around me knew and didn't say anything about it. I had to actually catch her on my own. After I caught her my friends then came and told me about other situations. I wish they would have said something. By not saying anything they allowed her to my life and livelyhood in danger. If I would have caught something that wouldn't be curable because my friends would have told me I would have been Highly Upset. Luckily I found out before that happened.

I guess the only thing other than what you did do was leave her some evidence or when you know he is cheating lead her to the evidence. The covers have been pulled so far over her head. Your family treating you that way is wrong too.


-cw