Dicaplining your child?

Jones · Dec 27, 2002

Dicaplining your child, when is a good time I am struggling with this delima, can someone help!!!

Thanks

Brian Jones

VOW · Dec 27, 2002

To Brian:

How many children do you have, and what ages?

For a very young child, re-direction is typically the best. Of course, that means parents don't get to sit down much. You can't "parent" by remote control.

With older children, typically having them experience consequences of their misbehavior is effective. The suggested "time out" is one minute per age of the child.

We have some parents in the forum who are advocates of physical punishment, done in love. There are others who do not believe in any type of corporal punishment at all. I'm a middle-of-the-road, myself. I feel a toddler who runs out in the street deserves a swift swat on the rear end. But I don't feel spanking overall is effective.

Jump in, share your views!

Peace be with you,
~VOW

lucypevensie · Dec 29, 2002

I think these are the most important things to teach a child, Just my own opinion .

1. Teach them about God (start when they are born)
2. Teach them to obey and honor their parents, so that it will go well with them Eph 6:1 (again, start quite young)
3 Teach them to respect authority
4. Teach them to respect peers
5 Teach them to be thankful.

Now, how to do all this? It's kind of complicated to answer it all right here. I have concluded the above from some good books and from scripture. There are many godly people who have done a good job raising children and have shared their experience through books they have written. I can give you some titles if you are interested.

IslandBreeze · Dec 31, 2002

Proverbs 13:24(KJV): "He that spareth his rod hateth his son: but he that loveth him chasteneth him betimes."

Proverbs 22:15: "Foolishness is bound up in the heart of a child, but the rod of discipline will drive it far from him."

Proverbs 23:13-14: "Withold not discipline from the child, for if you strike and punish him with the rod, he will not die.

I'm for spanking. I was spanked as a child, and I don't have any emotional difficulties from it. I think you should start to discipline your children as soon as they understand right from wrong.

kimmee · Jan 1, 2003

my mom did the taking away the fave toy, then when i got older the tv, vidoe games then my phone.

Texas Lynn · Jan 2, 2003

Whatever you do, don't inflict punishment when you're angry. Make them wait. Use the time to brainstorm and pray about it. Stick by your decisions. That's a good start.

seebs · Jan 2, 2003

SSV posted something, I think, observing that the "rod" may not refer to corporal punishment at all; I'd have to find the post again.

Annabel Lee · Jan 2, 2003

CHILDREN
"And a woman who held a babe against her bosom said, "Speak to us of Children."
And he said:
Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you, yet they belong not to you.
You may give them your love but not your thoughts.
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;
For even as he loves the arrow that flies, so He loves also the bow that is stable."

-Kahlil Gibran

Annabel Lee · Jan 2, 2003

I know my previous post has almost nothing to do with disciplining a child.
But everytime I read, "He that spareth his rod hateth his son: but he that loveth him chasteneth him betimes." I have an uncontrollable urge to post it.

Martin · Jan 2, 2003

It is appropriate to discipline your child under certain circumstances. the guidlines ought to be:

1. Only discipline/punish for acts of willful disobendience and not childish irresponsibilty. By that I mean that you do not punish a child for knocking over a jug of milk or because they forgot to brush their hair - that's part of being a child, you have to educate them around such issues. However, you should punish them when you've told them to do or not to do something and they then go and disobey with the purpose of testing or confronting you on the matter (i.e. a challenge to your parental authority).

2. Set the boundaries of acceptable behaviour in the circumstances. Make sure that they clearly understand those boundaries and the consequences of stepping outside of them. You cannot punish if they do not know that they will be punished for disobeying and what that punishment will be. They must know the consequences of their actions before you apply any form of discipline. It should go without saying that any boundaries or requirements set must be capable of being achieved by the child and not impoossible to be achieved.

3. Punishmenet must follow the disobedience as soon as practically possible. I disagree with a previous post about waiting. However, I do agree that punishment must not be dispensed from anger but must always be from love, with a desire to see the child's behaviour changed for the good. Waiting dis-associates the punishment from the "crime". There must be clear association of the punishment with their disobedience.

4. Once the punishment had been dispensed, remind the child of why they have been punished i.e the boundaries set out in the first place and how they infringed those boundaries.

5. NEVER set a punishment for disobedience unless you are prepared to carry it out. If you fail to apply the punishment that you told them would follow if they have disobeyed, then your authority as their parent is diminished. Power struggles are then likely to ensue.

6. The punishment should be appropriate to the circumstances and the child concerned. It may be denial of privelages (i.e. grounded) or, I guess in this post we're considering corporal punishment. A short, sharp smack across the lower part of the legs or to "the seat of learning" will usually suffice.

7. NEVER hit a child across the head, ears or face. NEVER beat up a child (totally unacceptable) and never maintain physical punishment for longer than a couple of seconds at most. To be effective, physical punishment should be the exception rather than the norm.

I think that you will find most of these principles in the Bible. I have four children, now 19 to 27 years old, who have lived under these principles. We made EVERY effort to show them that they were loved by us such that when any punishment was given, they knew they had done something wrong and it was not simply their parents relieving some sort of frustration or anger out on them. It is a unwritten rule that you only have the right to punish them, if you truly love them and that they are undergirded with love.

The evidence that it had a good effect on them can only be seen by the relationship that they have with each other and with their parents - they still often contact us (more then once a week) and often come to see us. Furthermore, I would say (only for the purposes of this post) that we often get complimented by how well-balanced they are and what a great bunch of kids we have.

Punish - yes, but love even more.
Hope this helps.....

Texas Lynn · Jan 2, 2003

Originally posted by Martin
Punishmenet must follow the disobedience as soon as practically possible. I disagree with a previous post about waiting. However, I do agree that punishment must not be dispensed from anger but must always be from love, with a desire to see the child's behaviour changed for the good. Waiting dis-associates the punishment from the "crime". There must be clear association of the punishment with their disobedience.

We're really not in disagreement.  I have no problem with immediacy if the parent or caretaker is not overcome with anger.

considering corporal punishment. A short, sharp smack across the lower part of the legs or to "the seat of learning" will usually suffice.  NEVER hit a child across the head, ears or face. NEVER beat up a child (totally unacceptable) and never maintain physical punishment for longer than a couple of seconds at most. To be effective, physical punishment should be the exception rather than the norm.

Click to expand...

I compliment you on the excellent quality of this advice!  I might add there is a difference between spanking and abuse, but, if marks are left it can be considered abuse, and if marks are the result of a child squirming or struggling, that is no excuse.

jjoel · Jan 2, 2003

haha about hte person that said take your time before punishing hehe. good tip but it drives the child insane rofl. i've heard funny stories about the chidlren that would run out just crying because they couldn't wait any longer to get spanked lol.

Extirpated Wildlife · Jan 23, 2003

I am a spanker. And it seems to work. But right now he is only 1 yrs old. You can see the respect. But when he gets older, we probably will end up going to timeout. Depends.

wrench_twister · Jan 23, 2003

It is appropriate to discipline your child under certain circumstances. the guidlines ought to be:

1. Only discipline/punish for acts of willful disobendience and not childish irresponsibilty. By that I mean that you do not punish a child for knocking over a jug of milk or because they forgot to brush their hair - that's part of being a child, you have to educate them around such issues. However, you should punish them when you've told them to do or not to do something and they then go and disobey with the purpose of testing or confronting you on the matter (i.e. a challenge to your parental authority).

2. Set the boundaries of acceptable behaviour in the circumstances. Make sure that they clearly understand those boundaries and the consequences of stepping outside of them. You cannot punish if they do not know that they will be punished for disobeying and what that punishment will be. They must know the consequences of their actions before you apply any form of discipline. It should go without saying that any boundaries or requirements set must be capable of being achieved by the child and not impoossible to be achieved.

3. Punishmenet must follow the disobedience as soon as practically possible. I disagree with a previous post about waiting. However, I do agree that punishment must not be dispensed from anger but must always be from love, with a desire to see the child's behaviour changed for the good. Waiting dis-associates the punishment from the "crime". There must be clear association of the punishment with their disobedience.

4. Once the punishment had been dispensed, remind the child of why they have been punished i.e the boundaries set out in the first place and how they infringed those boundaries.

5. NEVER set a punishment for disobedience unless you are prepared to carry it out. If you fail to apply the punishment that you told them would follow if they have disobeyed, then your authority as their parent is diminished. Power struggles are then likely to ensue.

6. The punishment should be appropriate to the circumstances and the child concerned. It may be denial of privelages (i.e. grounded) or, I guess in this post we're considering corporal punishment. A short, sharp smack across the lower part of the legs or to "the seat of learning" will usually suffice.

7. NEVER hit a child across the head, ears or face. NEVER beat up a child (totally unacceptable) and never maintain physical punishment for longer than a couple of seconds at most. To be effective, physical punishment should be the exception rather than the norm.

I think that you will find most of these principles in the Bible. I have four children, now 19 to 27 years old, who have lived under these principles. We made EVERY effort to show them that they were loved by us such that when any punishment was given, they knew they had done something wrong and it was not simply their parents relieving some sort of frustration or anger out on them. It is a unwritten rule that you only have the right to punish them, if you truly love them and that they are undergirded with love.

The evidence that it had a good effect on them can only be seen by the relationship that they have with each other and with their parents - they still often contact us (more then once a week) and often come to see us. Furthermore, I would say (only for the purposes of this post) that we often get complimented by how well-balanced they are and what a great bunch of kids we have.

Punish - yes, but love even more.
Hope this helps.....

Well said IMO. Martin we think alike.

It's mostly boundries, they must kow there are boundries,what they are,and the consequences of crossing them. We still struggle with those in our family.My step daughters have been in the home for almost 6 years.They came in at ages 9 to 4, and I was so busy trying to bond with them, that I forgot to set boundries,and now that 3 of them are teenagers,I am reaping the benifits of that bad decision.
Are they bad kids, no, but do they have respect,not much.No boundries,no concern for self appearance.I know some of this is just teen behavior, but had they lived in the home from birth I can't help but think it would be different.
Also by the time they reach 10-11 spanking should not be needed, I think they're to old, and if you haven't got respect and obediance by 13-14, it's just too late,and nothing but divine intervention is going to help.Hopefully I'm wrong on this, but from what I have seen I'm not.

Just how it looks from the drivers seat
WT

OracleX · Jan 24, 2003

We have a two year old daughter who is the best thing that has happened to our life.  But she is a two year old.  We are still trying to get the best method that works for her, but this is where we are now and it is working well:

We try to get her to do something else.  Ask her stop what she is doing and point her something better.
Ask her to help me with something.  This one works great!  If she won't get changed for bed I will ask her to help Daddy get her changed for bed.  She loves to help with anything.
Using a stern voice.  This doesn't work that well yet, either that or I don't have a very stern voice
Holding her.  If she is not listening then I will hold her till she gives me her attention.  Then try steps 1 thru 3.
Time outs.  This works very well and she is good at them.  She stands in the corner for a period of time, depending on what she has done.  We are lucky in that she won't get out of the corner till we tell her she can.
Spanking.  Last resort.  Only done once so far, and she hasn't repeated that mistake again.

One thing that I always try to keep in mind when I am disciplining my daughter is that I never do it in the heat of anger.  If she has done something to make me angery, she ends up in the corner or sitting on a chair till I gather my thoughts and emotions.

So far my daughter has progressed well.  She knows when she is doing something wrong, she knows why she is getting disciplined (usually) and she almost always says sorry afterwards without being asked.

I hope that as she grows that talking with her will be all that is needed.  She really is a well behaved kid and I hope she continues that way.

Dewjunkie · Jan 25, 2003

I tend to only spank my daughter in the event of willful disobedience (she's 2, so telling us "no" has become an issue. But only for a few seconds at a time....). She is good about listening to me when I tell her something is bad and she can't do it anymore. But, I get down on her level (literally) when I talk to her so she knows I'm talking to her and only her, and I am not distracted. I believe that a stern voice only works if there is no mistake that the voice is directed at her for a specific reason. Me continuing to watch The Golf Channel and hollering at her to stop something is pretty ineffective.

gwyyn · Jan 25, 2003

Well I have been blessed with a VERY curious 2 year old son. There have been a couple situations where we have had to spank him. One was opening the oven door to use as a stool to get to the microwave, and the other was getting in the fridge. Yea I had the ovendoor safety lock, but it only lasted a week before it broke.
We also do timeouts for temper tantrums. I usually just tell him to go sit on the sofa until he can act nicely. This usually works.

I also believe slapping and name calling are degrading to the child.
And I aslo think making the child go get the belt, or get a switch is cruel. Ugh how I hated it when I was told to go do that.

gwyyn

OracleX · Jan 25, 2003

Wow there are a lot of parents here with 2 year olds! There is also probably a lot of people in here who pray a lot. I think they go hand in hand. We need God's guidance day by day and moment by moment when raising children, especially young children. What we do with them at a young age will point their lives in a direction. We want to make sure that the direction they are pointed is good. Matters of love, money, sharing, truth and honesty, right and wrong, respect of others, and so many other things are developed in their first years. It is not impossible to correct mistakes made and change the intitial direction (I am a living testement to that - adopted when I was 5), but it is some much more difficult and there are usually many wounds and scars to heal.

Pray everyday (with your spouse if possible) that God directs your words and actions that you may be the best parents you your children. Shower you love on your children just as our heavenly Father showers His love on us.

forjesus · Jan 27, 2003

The most important issue when disciplining your child is to do it out of Love, not from anger. The three stages should be Love, discipline, and back to love. If you punish your child don't ever stop with the punishment, always go back to love. Let them know why they were punished and also let them know how much you love them, and how it hurts you to punish them. I believe in a spanking when nesseccary, but I believe more in talking over the problems. Remember always go back to LOVE. God Bless

paulewog · Jan 28, 2003

It depends on the kid, heh....

My parents almost always spanked us. Occasionally got sent to bed with no dinner Not ALWAYS spanked us, a lot of time it was just go-to-your-room (espeically for attitude stuff). And of course, taking away events, going out with friends, whatever.

I think they started spanking us as a kid (the kid is not going to obey a timeout or just a simple "no" ) around age one I think. Maybe a bit earlier. My pastor recommend six months, hehe... they DO get the ability to willfully disobey pretty quickly.

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